R0BTRAIN's Bad Ass Cinema: The Rob Days of Summer 2009, Part 4

August closes us out!

Holy crap! Summer is almost here and we’re just around the corner from the possible euphoria that is Hollywood’s biggest season. If Crank: High Voltage, which I saw this past weekend, is any indication, we’ve got complete insanity coming up and bring it on! Alright, let’s finish this baby up…

Rob’s Summer Movie Preview, Part 4

August 7th


G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – The 80’s TV show and toy line has made quite a resurgence in the last few years, with Action figures and DVDs populating plenty of shelves at your local Wal-Mart, but just like Transformers, no comeback is complete without a major motion picture. Snake Eyes and Baroness fans finally get to see their idols on screen for the first time, with Mummy and Van Helsing director Stephen Sommers behind the camera orchestrating his usual popcorn mayhem. Wait, what is that Wayans brother doing in the cast?

Could this Suck? – Well, Van Helsing is probably one of the worst summer blockbusters I can think of from recent memory, and The Mummy films haven’t exactly aged like the classics that Sommers probably thinks they are. Plus, the lone 30 seconds of footage from the movie’s Super Bowl ad was fun, but no footage since has popped up anywhere and with every additional still the movie seems to look worse and worse. Sommers has known how to pass out the cinematic equivalent of cotton candy in the past, but after eating too much, it can just make you sick.

Could this be Awesome? – In my mind, I’ve had an all-star cast for this movie for years, and the cast in the actual film is nowhere near that, but there are still some interesting choices here. Mostly, I’m excited about Ray Park as Snake-Eyes. Look people, I know Star Wars: Episode I is considered an abomination by many, but it’s hard to argue Park’s Darth Maul to be anything but iconic. Maul is now considered to be one of the great cinematic henchmen, and I also love Park’s scenes as the Headless Horseman in Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow, so here’s hoping he has the same screen magic this time around. The rest of the movie could really be terrible, but if Park’s stuff as Snake Eyes is as cool as it should be, I’ll at least give the movie a look.


Paper Heart – This one just looks really cute. Charlyne Yi, the little stoner chick from Knocked Up and real life girlfriend of Michael Cera, stars as herself in this mockumentary about a girl that doesn’t believe in love. Cera stars as the guy who might end up changing her mind.

Could this Suck? – It’s possible this one could end up a little too sweet or clever and end up turning off audiences, and is it possible that Cera’s unsure dork persona has a glass ceiling?

Could this be Awesome? – The trailer for this makes it look pretty offbeat and funny. And really, who am I kidding? I really love what Michael Cera’s been able to do so far and I hope this is just another in a line that has turned out pretty well all things considered. Hopefully, this is a wonderful set for Cera’s big turn in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.

August 14


District 9 – Don’t know too much about this one other than I think it’s supposed to be about aliens landing in Africa and the local population turning those aliens into slaves.

Could this Suck? – Again, don’t really know too much so far, and the director has had virtually no experience directing full length features before. Low budget Sci-Fi can also just be a risky proposition in itself. This could be the next Equilibrium or it could be something that looks like it belongs on the Sci-Fi Channel.

Could this be Awesome? – The big thing that gives me hope about this film is that Director Neill Blomkamp was the man who was tapped to direct the Halo film before it fell into financial troubles. I think the guy has Peter Jackson’s ear, and really you don’t get much better a mentor when it comes to Sci-Fi/Fantasy these days.


The Time Traveler’s Wife – This one is about a man (Eric Bana) with a genetic disorder which causes him to time travel when he gets stressed (bummer). Even though this could be hell on a relationship, he tries to build one anyway with a local artist (Rachel McAdams).

Could this Suck? – This one’s had some ups and downs with its production so far. Big name directors like Spielberg and Fincher turning down the project before serious consideration from Oscar nominee Gus Van Sant started up. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out either, and the director of the forgotten Jodi Foster vehicle Flightplan came in to take up the reigns. Now, this thing finally has a release date, but no footage so far has shown up.

Could this be Awesome? – The book has a pretty big following from what I can tell, and the concept itself is pretty neat. Also, I’m a big fan of Eric Bana, and I’m pretty much willing to give anything he’s in the benefit of the doubt. Thankfully, if this doesn’t work out, I’m already pretty sure I’ll love Star Trek.

August 21


Inglourious Basterds – This may end up being one of the ultimate tests for Quentin Tarantino’s drawing power as a director. While he’s always been a critical darling, its up in the air whether audiences really have a taste for the QT, but with a summer release date and one of the biggest stars in the world topping the bill, we’ll see if Tarantino has what it takes to draw in the crowds as the summer season starts to wane.

Could this Suck? – While many of Tarantino’s earlier films are undisputed classics, many don’t really have a taste for the director’s last few installments, such as the two Kill Bill volumes and the box office failure Grindhouse of which he directed half. I don’t share that opinion, but there are some who have it, and for them, another trip into the director’s cinematic fetishes may not exactly turn that opinion around. Plus, being that this movie is taking place in WWII, there’s probably no chance of getting some crossover from some other Tarantino characters (i.e. Earl McGraw, the Vega brothers).

Could this be Awesome? – Tarantino has described this movie as a Spaghetti Western that just happens to have WWII iconography and takes place in that time period. I say “Sign me up!” Kill Bill is an absolute masterpiece in my opinion and to think that QT would get his own take on not only War films, but the subgenre of the “Men on a Mission” War film (The Dirty Dozen, The Guns of Navarone), and then add in the Spaghetti Western themes he’s utilized in the past; well that sounds like absolute heaven.

Unbelievable bad asses have been a staple of Tarantino’s work since the beginning, and I can’t see this being any different. When Brad Pitt goes over the top, both hilarity and brilliance usually ensue, Eli Roth looks to embody vengeance as Sgt. Donnie Donowitz and Basterds is even narrated by Samuel L. Jackson. There’s a short list of movies that I’m excited about this summer over all others, and QT’s latest is definitely up there.

August 28


Final Destination: Death Trip – um what?

Could this Suck? – Why are they still making these movies?

Could this be Awesome? – I’m not a huge fan of this series, so I’m not really giving this one a lot of hope.


H2 – Rob Zombie once again will probably fuse his Horror/rednexploitation style to this sequel to the horrible remake of the greatest Slasher movie of all time.

Could this Suck? – Recent reports have said that Zombie plans on unmasking Michael Myers for about 75% of this new movie and then giving him a brand new mask at the end of this movie. This further gives credence to my theory that Zombie has absolutely no idea what made Halloween great in the first place. Myers has always been the scariest of Slasher psychos because you DIDN’T know what was under the mask. You couldn’t see his face and that blankness made what was underneath the mask the most horrible thing you could imagine. THAT’S WHY JOHN CARPENTER ORIGINALLY CALLED HIM “THE SHAPE”! YOU‘RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE ANY EXPRESSION IN HIS FACE! Zombie, much like he did in the first movie, wants to pull back the curtain and show us exactly why Myers is so scary, only just like the last picture’s exploration of Myers’ youth, taking off the Shape’s mask will be the Horror movie equivalent of “Greedo Shooting First“.

Could this be Awesome? – Maybe I’m completely wrong and Zombie is going to knock this out of the park. Maybe he’s going to show the energy and odd ingenuity that made The Devil’s Rejects kind of enjoyable. I doubt it.

Alright folks. That’s it for this week, which brings us to the end of my Summer Movie Preview. Let the games begin and bring on the popcorn!

Robert Sutton feels the most at home when he's watching some movie scumbag getting blown up, punched in the face, or kung fu'd to death, especially in that order. He's a founding writer for the movies section of Insidepulse.com, featured in his weekly column R0BTRAIN's Badass Cinema as well as a frequent reviewer of DVDs and Blu-rays. Also, he's a proud Sony fanboy, loves everything Star Wars and Superman related and hopes to someday be taken seriously by his friends and family.