Are you hyped up to see the real Top 2? After weeks of pondering what contestants were nabbing the most votes, we’ll get the proof. Are Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert really dominating? Or has Kris Allen been scoring high with his ability to use his cute nature to snag the Jonas Brothers fanatics? Is he ready to for his own Disney series? The show kicks off with the highlights from last night including Jamie Foxx’s mentor moments. Jamie swears these five people will shock the world. Is he practicing to play Don King?
Ryan comes down the staircase, but he’s not up to Adam Lambert entrance strut. He says 47 million votes were registered. Simon Cowell is wearing a white t-shirt. I can see his nipples. He really should have electrical tape on his chest. Don’t they have standards at Fox?
Taylor Hicks is going to be on the stage! He got someone to cover his shift at Der Waffle Haus. Natalie Cole and Jamie Foxx will also perform. Maybe Jamie will sing from the Eddie Murphy songbook? Right off the bat they give us the Ford commercial. It’s the kids running around in the desert while praising the Focus.
The group sing doubles up with “If it Ain’t got That Swing” and “I Got Rhythm.” They don’t do too much fancy footwork. It’s a live microphone tonight. Adam’s Axl voice doesn’t cut it on this piece. Kris is in a plaid shirt and ripped jeans. Was he waiting in line for an Archers of Loaf reunion gig? I was just informed that Throbbing Gristle is touring America. If you want to have the greatest family night out, take the wife and kids to see the Gristle for a night of old school industrial music.
Ryan sounds so thrilled that Taylor Hicks is back. There’s no cutaway to Simon to see what he thinks of the Goose that killed a golden egg. Now they give us a visit to the Idol mansion with the gang making birthday cakes. It gets nasty as cake goes flying. Who could have imagined the mess? Hopefully the guy renting out his mansion is watching this and deducting the destruction from the security deposit. Danny Gokey gets a gift from Ryan. It’s a bill from the maid service. Supposedly it cost $6,000 to get the cake off the floor.
The line up the kids at the front of the stage. Matt Giraud is first under the spotlight. He’s told to stand on the right hand side of the stage. Danny Gokey gets the praise reviews recounted. He’s sent to the left side of the stage. Allison Iraheta hears Simon’s mark for death review. She’s told to step next to Danny. Kris Allen was loved by the ladies last night. Kris is told to stand next to Matt. Adam Lambert is still in the zone. Ryan asks which group does Adam thinks he belongs with? Adam wants to stand with Danny and Allison, but Ryan takes him to the other side. Adam, Kris and Matt are the bottom three.
Simon’s mark for death against Allison backfired. She got the massive sympathy vote. Randy points out that all five of them are unbelievably talented. The judges waste time about why the Bottom three is who they are. Simon won’t admit that his attack on Allison gave her a bounce. This still doesn’t change the sense that Matt is the deadman on the barstools of death.
Here comes Natalie Cole with “Something’s Got to Give.” She’s dazzling in a gold dress, but her legs are like Whitney Houston skinny. Nat King Cole smoked cigarettes thicker than his daughter’s legs. She towers over Ryan. Joel McHale should have fun with that piece of video.
They give us Matt, Ryan and Adam in the backstage area. They’re chatting away. But their fate must wait for Taylor Hicks’ comeback. Is Taylor wishing he had Justin Guarini’s career at this point? At least Justin has that TV Guide gig. That means Justin can qualify for the next season of Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice. Or he can star in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
Ryan reminds us that Taylor Hicks won season five. He’ll be serenading us with “Seven Mile Breakdown” from his new album The Distance. It’s really light honky tonk action. It’s like a Kid Rock song that won’t cause your cat to spasm. The sound mix is a polywog stew. Taylor looks old enough to play a young Matlock. Time for them to chant “Soul Patrol” one more time. Simon actually stands up and applauds at the end. He does talk about being Teen Angel in Grease.
Adam, Kris and Matt are brought out. One of them will be sent to the safety of the sofa. Kris gets the pass. He will get to hear Jamie Foxx without fear that he’ll be stuck in dance rehearsals for the tour over the next three weeks. Matt and Adam get to sweat it out.
So You Think You Can Dance is coming back on May 21. I’ll alert Sen. Brad Honeycutt of this upcoming event. At least there’s one good piece of news as Swine Flu 2: Electric Fever-aloo sweeps the country.
Now we must endure Jamie Foxx’s “Blame It.” I think he’s lipsyncing. It’s processed like the last batch of Kayne stuff. Couldn’t Stephen Hawking duet with him at this vocal level? It’s supposed to be a party song, but if I’m drunk this vocals passed through a Hoover vacuum would make me want to puke. This will not be an entertainment landmark like Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time.” What is up with the kids ripping off Kraftwerk to get some soul in their music? Amazing that he hasn’t even come close to plugging The Soloist. The movie is about music. He finally plugs it as his last word.
Ryan will kill the dream of either Matt or Adam. But before the result, Ryan calls out Simon for being off his game in the reviews last night. They dim the lights before the cat fight. Adam is safe. Matt Giraud is sent back to the world of dueling pianos. Well he’ll be dueling Scott back at the Idol Mansion and preparing for the “preview” dancing they do on finale night. Matt gets one last crack at “My Funny Valentine.” The knees of his jeans are ripped. Wonder how that happened and he still was eliminated?
In a bit of a twist, they’re actually having to kill three minutes of time at the end of the show. They let Paula babble about Matt’s talent. Kara is thankful she saved him. Randy wants him to continue the heat. The Final Four theme is rock and roll. Simon’s advice to the other contestants is to not listen to him. Ryan thanks everyone including the citizens of New Zealand. Slash will be the guest mentor. My wife points out that Slash doesn’t sing. He wears the stupid hat and plays riffs that are 20 years old. Couldn’t they get Axl Rose? It will be interesting to see his reaction to Adam hitting the Axl notes.
What did we learn tonight? Simon picked the wrong girl to mark for death. Taylor Hicks wasn’t put into a witness relocation program. And Matt Giraud should have stuck with the piano during his performances.
