TNA iMPACT Report for 05.07.2009

Now how do we start tonight’s episode of Impact? A 20-minute match between Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles? How about an announcement that Jarrett, Steiner, Nash and Mick Foley have retired for good? Nope. TNA is all about shaking things up. Therefore, we get something that hasn’t opened every Impact for the last eight f*cking months. A Main Event Mafia promo.

I guess Angle is a rose-wielding mobster now. But instead of coming off like a Kingpin, he’s about as threatening as Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon. Angle more or less recaps last week, he kicked Foley’s ass and will sacrifice his position as Godfather of the Mafia if he is pinned. The job description of Godfather is quite undefined so whoever pins him might not know what he’s getting himself into. He calls out Foley to explain the 10-man tag match Foley has booked. Angle thinks it’s stupid to book such a loaded match for free with no build. I can just see the writers backstage scratching their heads wondering the same thing now that Angle brought it up.

Foley limps his way out with Daniels at his side. Foley admits he booked the match just to flex some muscle to make up for the chairshot Sting laid him out with last week. Foley brings up his 25 stitches so Angle sets him straight by reminding everyone he won a gold medal with a “broken fricken neck.” Foley credits himself for rocking TNA into the stratosphere. Heh. Hopefully TNA takes note that the crowd booed Jarrett and Joe when Foley mentioned their names. Joe getting booed might be excusable seeing as how he’s being booked semi-heelish, but Jarrett…that’s just embarrassing.

Speaking of which, out comes the least over “superstar” in wrestling history with the man himself, AJ Styles. Jarrett’s pissed but Mick thinks they should show some solidarity and repair their relationship. Jarrett tells him to kiss his ass and walks off. Angle wants to know why we can’t all just get along.

Joe is in the parking lot having been dropped off by a mystery man. The intrigue builds. He ignores Lauren on his way in.

Consequences Creed vs. Suicide
Now here’s something that confuses me. Why is Creed fighting Suicide? I understand that it’s a non-titlev match but Suicide is, nevertheless, the X-Division champion. His matches should be built up like we’re seeing one of the best the company has to offer, and the person he is facing should have some beef or attained merit enough to fight a titleholder. Anyway…

Suicide with a kick to Creed’s shin and follows it up with a legdrop to the back of Creed’s head. Cover gets two. Suicide hits a series of clotheslines on Creed. Cover gets two. Suicide jumps off the turnbuckle but takes Creed’s fist to the gut. Cover gets two. Creed with a spinning neckbreaker. Cover for two. Creed does his ridiculous Shuck N Jive punches and follows up with a low dropkick. Creed drops an elbow to Creed’s back. Cover gets two. Suicide comes back with a Russian Legsweep for the double KO spot. They trade punches before Suicdie drops Creed with a double dropkick. Suicide rams Creed’s head into the middle turnbuckle and covers for a two and a half count. Fireman’s carry slam gets another two and a half count. Suicide Solution is blocked and Creed and hits a gorgeous enzuiguri. Pin gets a 2.8. Suicide whips Creed into the corner and follows-up with a double knee to the face. Suicide hits a filthy double-knee facebuster for the three.

Winner: Suicide (*1/4 – These X-Division matches have become so familiar, I practically sleep through them. Each week two talented performers try to put together a good match in four minutes. It’s stupid, especially when one of your champions is wrestling in a blink-and-you’ll-miss it match.)

 

Morgan goes into Foley’s office asking for a match tonight in order to prove himself to the MEM. Foley suggests he beat up their security. Morgan leaves and the ever-delusional Foley says he has to make an important call. It kind of reminds me when a friend says he’s calling up the hottest girl on the planet but accidently puts the call on speaker phone and you find out he’s called 411.

My baby Velvet Skye is terrified that Kong will mess her up real good after what she did to Madison Rayne last week. Angelina could care less.

And as course, as contractually obligated, we need yet another MEM interview, as it’s been past the requisite 15 minutes since we’ve last seen them.

Lauren talks to Taylor Wilde about Awesome Kong but somehow talk devolves to Wilde and her “secret admirer”. I call it stalking but whatever. If it was a black man sending Wilde creepy, anonymous text messages, he’d be waiting arraignment as we speak. So, we can scratch Lethal, Creed and Booker off the list of potential admirers.

 

Main Event Mafia Security vs. Matt Morgan
Make this quick. Please. Shouldn’t we be listening with rabid attention to Jeff Jarrett describe his emotional state after Foley did blah blah blah? After getting tossed halfway across the ring, Sal works a headlock. Morgan throws him off the ropes and lays the clown out with a shoulderblock. A headbutt sends Sal reeling into his corner. He tags out to Rocco. Listen closely and you can hear an already laborious workrate grind to a miserable halt. A lockup ends in a stalemate. The tension in the arena is palpable. Morgan beils Rocco out of the corner and then uses his agility to dodge Rocco’s charge. A Morgan chokeslam draws applause from the crowd. A powerbomb attempt is thwarted by Sal. The lack of a tag is ignored by everybody, most importantly the referee. Sal beats on Morgan and reaches to tag Rocco back in but Rocco is so gassed he can’t reach Sal’s hand. Morgan absorbs an elbow before succumbing to a single-leg takedown. Now the tag is made. Rocco climbs but Morgan recovers and slams him off. Sal runs into clotheslines and gets Rocco whipped into him. A miserable dropkick deposits Rocco onto the floor. Carbon Footprint on the illegal man is good for the three and the win.

Winner: Matt Morgan (1/2* – The match was about as good as it could be. It’s quite sad that it was given as much time as the Creed/Suicide match but oh well. At least the match made its point: Morgan is not to be f*cked with.)

 

Eric Young feels disrespected. But he promises to win the match tonight. Jethro channels Chris Benoit and snot rockets on the floor. You know, because he’s an outlaw and all.

Team 3D Tag Team Invitational Semifinal Match
Beer Money Inc. vs. Eric Young and Jethro Holliday

Team 3-D joins the commentary. Eric Young backslides Roode off a go-behind for two. A crucifix pin also gets Eric a two-count. A Young sunset flip gets two again. Roode runs into boot but Storm kills Eric’s momentum with a kick to the back of his head from the apron. Roode with a spinebuster for two. Storm gets a tag and Beer Money proceeds to stomp Young down in the corner. Storm connects with a back elbow, then follows with a one-armed sideslam. The pin gets two. Roode comes in and Beer Money hit a double suplex. A Roode elbowdrop gets two. Roode locks in a sleeper. Eric fights out and flips over the top turnbuckle. He baseball slides back into the ring and gets a belly-to-belly suplex. Hot tag to Jethro who cleans house. A bulldog on Storm gets 2.85. Roode clotheslines Jethro into a Storm backstabber. Pin nearly gets the three but Holliday kicks out. Blind tag to Young who hits a double flying dropkick on Beer Money. Eric hits the flying legdrop on Storm. The pin is broken up by Roode. Storm hits a superkick out of nowhere on Young which sets up the DWI for the win.

Winners: Beer Money (**1/2 – Beer Money have pretty much hit their stride as a tag team. Every match they participate in is guaranteed to be decent at worst.)

Backstage, Saeed blah blahs about Kong getting her revenge on the Beautiful People. Kong says “dumb blonde, dead blonde” and we’re out.

Stretcher Match: Velvet Skye vs. Awesome Kong

All principals not involved in the match are sent to the back. The destruction begins with Kong laying Skye out with a clotheslines. She follows it with five (!) Implant Busters and a Awesome Bomb. Kong puts Velvet on the stretcher and Hebner fast counts to ten to save Skye from a further beating.

Winner: Awesome Kong (* – It wasn’t a match really but it was still fun watching Skye take all those Implant Busters)

Abyss babbles to Stevie about the office. Stevie doesn’t care because he wants Abyss to be in Daffney’s corner when she participates in the FIRST EVER Knockouts Monster’s Ball match. Botchamania should be able to reach its 100th incarnation off this match alone. Everyone wins. Except for the inevitable Knockout to break their neck.

More of my time threatens to be wasted as Creed and Lethal come down to the ring. Creed calls out Daniels and also wants to know if he’s Suicide. Daniels is indignant. How dare Creed call him out? Lethal gets in on the hilarity, referencing Savio Vega and Kim Chee. Daniels becomes my favorite wrestler ever by calling Lethal the biggest joke in the company. Lethal slaps him and Creed intervenes. Out come the Machine Guns. They promise to unmask Suicide next week.

JB is backstage with Jarrett. JB is at his absolute worst here. He’s made a bunch of notes on a paper seemingly plucked from the dumpster in the parking lot. He proceeds to list off a series of injusties carried out by Foley in the most smug little voice I’ve ever heard. Sting comes in and asks to be put in the Sacrifice 4-way if he pins Foley tonight. Jarrett reminds him that he’ll have to sacrifice something. Sting agrees, saying the word sacrifice a dozen times.

On the heels of Skye’s beating earlier, Angelina is terrified. She calls a man on the phone and asks him to be there next week. If it’s Billy Gunn, I’ll turn off my TV.

Main Event Mafia (Kurt Angle, Sting, Booker T, Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash) vs. Samoa Joe, Daniels, AJ Styles, Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley

The hilarity begins early as Foley steps on Jarrett’s entrance. Foley has the plastic barb-wire bat with him. Jarrett is UPSET. Steiner starts in on Joe with chops and kicks. Steiner runs into a one-armed overhead suplex, Joe knocks Steiner down with a shoulderblock and tags out to Daniels. A Daniels bodypress from the top-rope gets two. Steiner counters a backdrop by clubbing Daniels back and tags out to Angle. Daniels tries to roll out of an Angle armbar but Angle simply tightens it. Daniels tries to handspring out of it so Kurt takes him down. Daniels rolls Kurt into a pin for two. Daniels sweeps Kurt’s leg from under him and tries another pin that gets two. Angle puts a stop to this shit with a European Uppercut. But Daniels comes back with a kick to Angle’s face. AJ takes the tag and bulldogs Angle into Daniels’ knees. Cover gets two. A vicious eyerake allows Angle to tag in Booker. Booker with some knees but AJ ducks the hook kick and slams Book. AJ comes off the ropes with the leaping kneedrop and gets two. AJ locks in a rear chinlock but Booker comes out with a spinning side kick for two. All hope of this match continuing to rock the party are thrown clear out the window as Nash takes the tag. Thank the lord for commercials as I only have to witness him land one punch before tagging in Sting. Not much of an improvement but an improvement nonetheless. AJ misses a dropkick and Angle tags back in. AJ tries to fight back but takes a knee into the gut for two. Angle tags Booker back in. He hits the Harlem Sidekick and follows it with the Spinearooni. Steiner tags in  A Steiner belly-to-belly almost gets three but Joe breaks the pin. Angle back in. AJ counters the Angle Slam with the Pele. AJ with the cool tag to Foley, while Kurt reaches Sting. Foley goes on the pathetic offense, finishing with a spinning neckbreaker. Kurt sneaks back in an gives Foley a belly-to-back suplex. This draws in Jarrett who drills Angle with a Pedigree. The most ridiculous part is that the ref was prepared to count the pin when neither man was legal. Nash breaks it up but eats a couple kicks from Joe, sending him outside. Joe proves he has maintained at least 40% of his past agility by diving onto Kevin through the ropes. AJ and Daniels both jump onto Booker and Steiner with pescados. Angle grabs the barb-wire bat but Jarrett nails him with a low blow right in front of the ref. Jarrett goes to hit Angle with it but Foley stops him. Jarrett shoves Foley so follow decides to hit him with the bat. Jarrett ducks and low blows Foley. He then hits the Stoke onto the bat and Sting sneaks in for the pin.

 

Winner: Sting (**3/4 – Really good match that smartly kept Jarrett, Foley, Sting and Nash out of the ring for the majority. This match has really made me want to see some combination of Angle, Daniels, Joe and Styles. Hell, even Booker can still go those three days a year when he’s motivated.)

The losers all congregate in the ring to argue about how they lost. A better question would be what took Samoa Joe so long to get back in the ring after diving onto Nash three minutes ago.

We come back from the break for a post-match interview. So, now that Sting has pinned Foley, he’s in the main event at Sacrifice. Sting says that if he loses, he’ll retire. Yay!

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