The good news is that tonight will be the crowning achievement in a young man’s career. The bad news is that either Kris Allen or Adam Lambert will be forced to sing that hideous “No Boundaries” song one more time if they win. No one will ever say they didn’t pay their dues and suffered to get to the top. Now we must wait two hours and at least seven minutes. This is the super duper finale night marathon. Remember to pack a lunch before turning your TV on.
We get the recap of last night minus the real music. Adam and Kris wear completely white outfits. Are they guest starring on Big Love afterward? Janice Dickinson is in the audience. Adam and Kris better makes sure she doesn’t come after them with those botoxed lips. Ryan says that barely under 100 million calls came through last night. Randy wears a Velvet bowtie. Did he raid a Pip’s closet? A montage shows all the times Kara said “honey” and “sweetie.” Paula gets her amazing vocabulary exposed. Simon is doing the low budget Tom Ford look with unbuttoned white shirt and black jacket.
Adam and Kris descend the stairs together. Once more Simon Fuller won’t admit that Kris’ wife is in the crowd. Kris and Adam have dead microphones. Guess they’re the prop mics from the earlier group sings. We are taken to Conway, Arkansas to see Kris’ rabid fan base. In San Diego there’s Carly Smithson is hosting the viewing party. She doesn’t sound too Irish when screaming.
“So What” is sung by the Top 13. They’re all dressed in white, too. Is there a party at Puff Daddy’s house afterward? Are they now putting all 13 kids on tour instead of just the Top 10? What happened to rules in this world? This is still rag tag. They are the new version of Up With People, but less clean cut on the music. They are so unconvincing when they declare, “I want to start a fight.” Let’s take that attitude down to the Hell’s Angels headquarters.
They’re having Land of the Lost cups at Subway! I might have to get one just to be able to drink out of Danny McBride’s head. In case you have a few bucks laying around, the re-issue of The Land of the Lost DVDs comes in a reproduction of the original lunchbox.
Ryan tells us how a bartender turned into the American Idol. Now David Cook returns to perform “Forever.” The stage is bathed in green with this sad composition.
Ryan gives out the first Golden Idol Awards for Outstanding Male. It goes to Nick Mitchell. He’s back. Shame they won’t let him sing Kara’s song.
The first duet has Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah on “Cue Rain.” It so doesn’t work. This isn’t quite Bob Dylan and Celine Dion. But there’s no magic here.
Jason Mraz comes out and sings “I’m Yours” with Anoop and Alexis. Why isn’t he singing with Kris since that’s who Kris patterns himself after? Guess they don’t want a “who is the clone” reaction.
We get a montage of Kris’ climb to the top of the show.
Kris Allen and Keith Urban sing “Kiss A Girl.” The kid holds up well next to Mr. Nicole Kidman. Wonder if Keith has told him rehab tales to scare Kris into staying clean on the road. These guys look like they’re pulling off a duet at any other lame award ceremony. Kris should do well in showbiz.
The Frosty Five guys are singing for Wendys. They’re also dressed in white. Is this where Simon Fuller got the dress code for tonight?
All five girls are on the judge’s desk singing Fergie’s “Glamourous Life.” I forgot just how bad Megan Joy. Fergie comes out. She’s got dark hair and wearing an outfit that looks like a hooker on the set of Dune. How much does she pay to have her hair look unbrushed in a week? And now we get the Black Eyed Peas. Something went wrong. They cut to the an American Idol and kill the sound when Fergie started her lame wrap. Was there a technical difficulty or did we just see the seven second delay in action? This song is uninspiring. I’m not going to be a party person to those beats. Their new album is called The End. One can only hope.
Another Golden Idol is given out for best composure under pressure. Bikini girl giving Kara lip is highlighted. Bikini Girl is the winner. She’s received implants. Ryan actually notices her C cup enhancement. She should have gone for D Cups. Ryan allows her a chance to sing. It’s hard to take her seriously in the bikini with the new rack. She’s really lame doing “Vision of Love.” Kara sneaks up behind her and turns the song into an unexpected duet. Bikini Girl just gives up singing until the end when she yelps. Kara flashes her own bikini. Ryan says she did the swimsuit moment for a charity donation.
Allison Irraehata and Cyndi Lauper perform “Time After Time.” Cyndi’s playing an acoustic lap guitar? I keep thinking about Captain Lou Albano as they sing. Isn’t it time to bring back the Rock and Wrestlin’ Connection? It’s a sweet duet.
Ryan interviews Kris Allen’s parents. They ask about what’s going through their head. Why doesn’t Kris’s wife how it feels knowing her husband is on the brink of stardom? He proceeds across the floor to the Lamberts. There must be a blood feud between these families.
Here comes Danny Gokey! He’s doing Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello.” Thanks to Entertainment Tonight, I know that Lionel is showing up shortly. This song isn’t nearly as fun without Lionel stalking the blind girl in the art class. Here comes Lionel. These guys ought to be performing outside so they can really get to the middle of the road. These two are ready to rock the casino in Reno.
Ryan said only the Top 10 is performing this summer. Guess three people are getting their last last shot with the group tonight.
Adam Lambert’s time on the show is highlighted. He wants to surprise us. He’s wearing a outfit that looks like it was borrowed from Hellrasier‘s Pinhead. He’s doing Kiss’ “Beth.” Who will be the duet guest? Did they find Peter Criss? It’s a soft performance. And now they bring out Kiss for Detroit Rock City. Oh wait – it’s Half Kiss since the guys dressed in Ace and Peter’s make up are replacements. Paul is shamed by how his vocals can’t his Adam’s notes. He’s partying with the guys. They do their best to keep fake Ace and Peter off the close up camera.
We’re still 45 minutes from the end.
Here comes Carlos Santana to pimp his two year run at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas. Will this cut into his time designing women’s shoes? Matt Girad joins him for “Black Magic Woman.” He’s probably auditioning to be a guest vocalist during the stay. The rest of the Kids Incorporated storm down to “Smooth.” Heather Locklear is in the crowd. Where’s Heather Thomas tonight?
We get final Ford commercial. They have clips from the earlier ones behind Adam and Kris. Hopefully Ford will be around next year. David Cook surprises Adam and Kris by giving them both Ford Fusion Hybrids. They both get cars? What? Where’s the winner gets all spirit?
Megan Joy and Michael Sarver sing with Steve Martin’s banjo folkie crew. Nick Mitchell thanked Steve Martin. He should be on stage. This is rather weak. It won’t help move too many copies of Steve’s new banjo record.
The guys arrive in black suits doing Rod Stewart’s “If You Think I’m Sexy.” It’s so unsexy to do this as a group sing along. Rod Stewart would be rolling in his grave if he wasn’t coming down the staircase. Rod skinned my parent’s old plaid sofa for his dinner jacket. He’s croaking out “Maggie Mae.” Forget the morning sun showing Maggie’s age – Rod’s looking worse than Abe Vigoda at Hedonism II. Bo Bice is in the audience. Rod sounds like they pumped his stomach before the show.
The Golden Idol for outstanding female goes to Tatiana Del Toro. She’s in the audience, but Ryan says she can’t get the Idol cause they’re out of time. Ryan keeps swearing they need to take a break as they chase her around while she sings Whitney Houston’s “Saving All My Love For You.” I keep waiting for the Whitney surprise duet. And it doesn’t come. They fade out. I think she really did just steal network time and forced the Idol producers to pay extra for her little song. Although it could be staged. I once thought The Hills was real.
Before one is crowned, Adam and and Kris duet on Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” They ought to just call it a tie. They gave them both the same cars. Brian May and Roger Taylor are on stage with the band. It’s half of Queen. They ought to join up with the real half of Kiss for a super duper group. Wife is relieved that the choir didn’t get dressed up in church robes. Roger and Brian ought to just play on Adam’s first record.
Ryan swears this is it. Adam and Kris hold each other and wait for the results. But we have to hear from Simon. He thinks they’re both talented and nice people. The future is all yours. It’s almost like it doesn’t matter who really wins. Now they bring out a guy with the envelope. He’s from something called Telescope. He’s got an accent. I don’t trust him. But Ryan will open the golden envelope to let us who got the most of nearly 100 million votes. The winner is……………..KRIS ALLEN!
I called it.
San Diego cries. Ryan calls Kris the underdog, but since we never knew how he really ranked during the season, he might have really been the top dog all along. They have a microphone trophy this year. That seems to be what the winner gets. Is this the only TV gameshow where they don’t tell us what the winner gets?
Adam gives Kris a bit of business about having to sing that craptacular Kara song. How come Kris’ wife didn’t get to charge up on the stage to embrace him? He didn’t even thank his wife from the stage. Like a tuna fish pizza, “No Boundaries” does not taste better the next day. This song is truly a boobie prize.
Justine Guarini gets a close up at the end! That guy is a survivor. They finally bring Kris’ wife onto the stage. But the microphone is dead.
Expect to read speculation that Simon Fuller forcing Adam to sing “A Change Is Going to Come” caused people to vote against the theatrical wonder by raising “that issue.” Adam’s career won’t suffer from not winning. It will flourish thanks to the fact that he won’t have to sing “No Boundaries” ever again.
Thanks for reading all these updates. See you in January.
