For Your Consideration…An Extreme-ly Special RAW Recap

Wow, studying for the Bar exam sucks. I mean it really, really sucks. I thought the whole point of graduating law school was that the three year ass kicking I took was finally over, but that ass kicking was really just a warm-up for the colossal whooping Bar exam prep is. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason I haven’t had a For Your Consideration up in several weeks. This is also the reason I look so exhausted, with bags under my eyes and a demeanor that could at best be called borderline psychotic. Seriously, to quote “How I Met Your Mother”, “being a lawyer better be awesome.”

The plus is that I somehow found a two hour window with which to watch RAW this week. Normally, my enjoyment of Monday Night RAW consists of me waking up early on a Tuesday morning before school or work and zipping through the DVRed program, merrily skipping over any segment featuring terrible wrestling or lame comedy. A few months ago, I wrote a stream of conscience column while I watched RAW live and people seemed to like it. I got a ton of great feedback. This column, however, probably won’t be as witty or funny because I spent the bulk of my day reviewing Constitutional Law. On the plus side, when I do have those moments of wit, I have gone to what has quickly become the bane of my existence, Twitter. Those of you that follow me know that at least four times a day I’ll go on there and post something that’s guaranteed to make you chuckle. Since PulseWrestling is all about the Twitter (as you can see from the incessant Twitter updates that make our site so un-navigable now…in addition to the overhall of the site that is really clunky and confusing), I’ve been a loyal PulseWrestling writer and constantly update my Twitter to sate the needs of the IWC. If you haven’t followed me yet, its not too late to get on the bandwagon. My Twitter is http://twitter.com/awheeler316. While most would argue that a law degree is a pretty good accomplishment, that alone isn’t enough. I want to have more followers than the other writers on the site, so cue hyper-competitiveness.

With that said,

“Yes sir, we promised you a great main event tonight.” I never get tired of that sound clip, especially when you consider the logistics. Would they ever have promised a crappy main event? Hell, even WCW never had the gall to promise a crappy main event, and they had Schiavone behind the mic.

Nice addition of John Morrison to the Signature. I don’t remember who he replaced and I’m too lazy to go look, so I’ll just assume that was the spot reserved for Tito Santana and continue to perpetuate the belief that the WWE hates Latinos (hey, May was Lucha month on 24/7 and May is over, so take THAT Hispanic viewers).

We open right with the cage. The ominous steel cage. Orton and a shirtless Legacy are in the ring. Randy is proudly holding the belt for all to see. We get an odd shot of old people giving him the thumbs down. Where did they get this crowd from, the 80’s? On the plus side, Randy still has nuclear heat despite being in a feud with Batista. Randy is blathering on about how he’s gonna defend his gold in a steel cage against…pause…Batista…mild pop…continue. He asks the fans if he should be worried. Obviously the fans read the script and they said, “No Randy, its Batista. He’s a transitional challenger at best and you’ll probably win with some sort of shenanigans.” It was a long chant from the audience, I’ll give them that.

On a side note, saying you “kicked someone in the head” isn’t as ominous as it sounds. Randy also keeps talking about doing things to Dave’s face. Words like face and head don’t really inspire fear. Dave is gonna get his chance tonight to “prove him wrong”, kinda like the Springfield kids did with Skinner. Oh, and Dave has a steel cage match tonight with either The Dream or the Million Dollar Man’s sperm. We’re deciding via a coin flip. Wow, that’s really inside and breaking kayfabe, since I’m pretty sure that’s how Creative booked the show. And look, Cody won. Uh oh, here comes a Cody Rhodes promo. When his balls drop, he’s gonna deliver some great promos. Cody drops his dad’s name and says Dusty was in some great cage matches, so through genetics his match will be awesome. Really? Ask David Sammartino.

Randy is giving us the image now of him walking out of the cage, which will happen on Sunday. Then, like a James Bond villain, Randy has to explain what leaving the cage meant. And here comes Ric Flair, jumping around like he’s hopped up on something. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, reid between the lines. What? Too soon?

Ric is now out to tell Randy what he’s gonna do to him tonight. I guess everyone is a James Bond villain. Ric just called Randy a punk, but it was so muddled it sounded like a c-word you would never call a woman. So Ric, in a striped shirt that looks like a pirate, keeps calling Randy a punk, which is a bad thing unless you’re a Smackdown face. Flair is still calling Randy out, but it’ll be in the parking lot. A fight to the finish…which is pretty much how every fight works. Flair is now still calling Randy a punk in rapid succession, and sounds less like a badass and more like a clucking chicken. The crowd wants to chant “punk” but even they think it sounds too much like “Punk”. “This is a night you won’t forget, Ric, because it’s a night you won’t be able to remember.” Oh, sick burn. I thought Creative fired the guy who used to write for “Friends”. I guess tonight’s RAW is called “The One Where the WWE Tries to Distract the Fans from the Fact that Batista is the #1 Contender as Ric Flair Continues to Tarnish His Reputation…Part 2.:

Commercials.

The cage is still down and the Cody Rhodes (who STILL doesn’t get an entrance) is in the ring. Poor Cody. So this is an escape only match, like Sunday. Sadly, there is no escape for Cody, or the paying crowd who has to sit through a Batista cage match. Dave stumbles out next, looking lost. For a guy who’s main eventing two PPVs in a row, you think they’d do better than to just use him in the second segment of the show. Sure, later on tonight he’ll probably come to Flair’s aid in the parking lot massacre, but let him do something more than wrestle at 9:15 against Cody.

Michael Cole is now AGAIN explaining the rules of a cage match. How stupid can the audience be? I know they’re in Alabama but this is ridiculous (p.s. Go Gators!). Cody tries to climb out of the ring and Batista throws him down by trying to depants him. Nah, wrestling isn’t the least bit gay. Dave is now ramming Cody into the steel cage. And now he’s stepping on his head. Sure, job out Cody. It makes sense. Cody and Teddy are hardly an impressive team anymore. They just seem to lose and take finishers in brawls. Fall guys are fine, but does it always have to be the future of the company?

Randy Orton has come down to the ring as Michael Cole says that he is “looking into a crystal ball”, which I guess makes sense somewhere in Cole’s mind. Dave is now staring Randy down as Cody Rhodes crawls on the floor. Dave starts stomping his food and Rhodes grows a brain and tries to climb out. Batista caught him and is setting him up for a Batista Bomb. And it hits. And now it’s a pinfall. Wasn’t Cole earlier tonight saying multiple times that this was ESCAPE ONLY?! I guess Cole didn’t get it. Randy seems shocked. Why would Randy seem shocked about this? Batista is a former multi-time world champion and Cody Rhodes is a skinny kid who loses every week. Randy is now staring daggers into Batista and we go to the back.

Vickie and Chavo are yelling at Big Show. Big Show doesn’t like the Miz or the way he runs his mouth about beating Cena. Apparently it is Big Show and Miz versus Cena and a mystery opponent. His mystery opponent is in a bag. Seriously, all the booking secrets are coming out tonight. Cena’s partner is Chavo Guerrero…what a swerve! Chavo had a nice bit of facial comedy after Show said he’d hurt the Latino if he got in the way. The hatred of Latin wrestlers continues!

Commercials.

Here comes Kelly Kelly in hot pink. In the most objective way possible, Kelly Kelly has an insanely amazing ass. Objectively. And her partner, in a jaunty hat, is Mickie James. The divas are “sexy, smart and powerful” according to Michael Cole. You could practically see the memo on his desk. “Remember Cole, the Divas are not whores anymore.” Their first opponent is Beth Phoenix who is dressed like the fat bee girl from Blind Melon’s “No Rain” music video. Her partner is the uber-hot Maryse. Sold. Mickie and Beth are locking up first and they just seem to be going through the motions. I’m pretty sure that the Diva storyline going on right now is that Maryse is the champ and Mickie is the contender we’re supposed to care about. In a month it could be Kelly as the contender and Mickie as the one we’re not supposed to care about. Kelly’s in now and through some sort of combination of moves is sitting on Beth’s face. Alrighty. Maryse just got tagged in and we are informed that Maryse was the most downloaded woman on WWE.com. The last woman I know to hold that was Sunny, so congrats Maryse, it’s back to porn. Micke James just dove off the top rope onto Beth Phoenix and Rosa’s interference leads to Kelly eating a DDT. Maryse straddling Kelly for the pin might have been the best moment of the year in wrestling. Seriously, most of the WWE T&A nonsense is juvenile, but that moment was insane.

We get a promo for Show/Miz v. Cena/Guerrero and a “Fight to the Finish” with a graphic showing a picture of a parking lot. Feel the ratings soar.

Commercial.

We get a replay from Superstars where Cryme Time interfered to cost Benjamin and Haas their match with the useless Colons. How the hell did Priceless get edged out of the tag team picture for these teams?

And here come the Colons. Guess the WWE forgot about anti-Latino RAW. The Unified World Tag Team Champions are in the ring wearing all the belts and we still don’t know if this is for the gold. Here comes William Regal in the best robe that ever was once a rug. His partner is Cowboy Matt Hardy. Matt’s now wearing an arm sock on the other arm. This is an “important” match according to Michael Cole, because if they win, they will get a future shot at the meaningless tag belts. I thought the storyline on RAW was The Brian Kendrick trying to find a partner. So the Colons are feuding with Benjamin/Haas who are feuding with Cryme Time and John Morrison while the Colons are also feuding with The Brian Kendrick but are fighting Matt Hardy and William Regal who are feuding with MVP and Kofi Kingston who are fighting later on tonight. How the hell can I remember all of that nonsense and not remember everything I learned in law school?

Hardy and Regal are double-teaming Primo, who I still can’t stand. His stupid mustache alone makes me want to see him get shot out of a cannon like Luke Perry. Regal is walloping Primo. With Mister Kennedy…Kennedy gone, I bet Regal will get a slot in the new opening. Poor Kennedy. Kennedy. If I had time to do a column this week, you know that would be the main thrust of it (since I was the site’s top Kennedy proponent). This match is still going on as Regal and Hardy are walloping Primo. Matt just tagged in when Primo was down, much to the chagrin of Regal. Matt Hardy, with the cast, tries to do the V1. Then, as soon as Primo gets the hot tag, in comes Regal. Carlito botches a dropkick and is now “supplying plenty of offense”. He sure is offensive. Matt Hardy lays out Primo. Hardy accidentally hit Regal with the cast and here’s the backstabber. Damnit, the Colons win. Latino anti-appreciation month just took a few steps back. Vince isn’t gonna be happy.

The heels argue as we go to commercial.

Our RAW fact is 1.5 million women watched RAW. Not my fiancé though. She’s tried but just doesn’t “get it”.

Flair is in the back with a bored Batista wearing a towel around his neck (a tribute to The Coach?). Flair is again telling Batista that Flair that he has to keep doing it and misses wrestling. By wrestling he means money and the spotlight and anything to take him away from his personal disaster. “You tell me I’m the man one more time I’m gonna vomit.” Okay Ric, you’re not the man. You WERE the man, but if you keep doing this, you’re gonna tarnish your rep. You can do a few backstage things, but you really cannot wrestle anymore. Flair, you wanna be in the business still? Be a manager. It worked for Harley Race, who did a great job as Vader’s manager. Flair standing by Batista would probably elevate him.

Regal and Hardy are backstage with the GM. They want another rematch. They “have a plan” and they are now interjecting themselves in the ridiculous Santino/Santina nonsense. Matt tells Vickie his plan, but unlike all the other James Bond villains, he whispers in her ear.

John Cena is walking…and meets up with Chavo who is warming up. Chavo promises to have his back. Trust him John, it’s a bad month for Latinos on RAW and he needs all the help he can get.

Here comes The Miz, who is 6 and 0 against the “corporate brown-noser” John Cena. Cena has captured the hearts of millions of nine-year-old kids. The kids love Cena like they love the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana. Yeah, if only Vince made that much money. The Miz is in his own category, which opens way too many jokes. Who knew this guy had the microphone skills to be a top shelf heel when he first debuted? “I’m the Miz and I’m Awesome!” is a sold catchphrase.

Commercial.

The Miz is still in the ring explaining through pantomime what his Chick Magnet shirt means. And here comes The Big Show. Wow, Show is walking with some hustle. Apparently catering is offering those chocolate rice krispe treats and he doesn’t want to miss out. Show even rushes his “lift arm in the air and yell” move. We get a replay from last week of the double-suplex and they manage to show minimal Kennedy.

Ooo Chavo. That little “ooh” thing is so great. Chavo in his custom t-shirt strides down to the ring. On the plus side, Chavo isn’t gonna lose in 10 seconds to Cena. That’s a plus. Cena’s music hits and the…uh…superstar is here. The fans go absolutely nuts for John Cena, who, if he were over like this everywhere, would make Vince even more money (if that’s possible). Cole talks about how Cena needs a miracle in the submission match. No argument here, as making that match watchable would take a miracle. In order to hype their match, Show should make someone tap. My guess is Chavo will be tapping in a few minutes.

Big Show just grabbed Miz and told him to stand on the apron. Miz postures for a second and then runs to the corner. Cena and Show start it out and they hammer each other. After seeing them wrestle at the last PPV, does anyone really want to see them go at it again and have to rely on wrestling? Lawler just said being knocked out by a fist might be a submission and Cole agreed. How the hell does that make any sense? Are they even reading the scripts anymore or are they just winging it to see if anyone pays attention?

Big Show and Miz are arguing after Miz tried to attack Cena. Show said there is no team. Cena dodges the splash and tries to slam Show but he collapses. Wow, there’s a spot I haven’t seen him do in like 6 days. Fresh. Miz tagged himself in and Show looked like he was gonna kill him. Miz goes for the pin but Cena kicked out. Miz is now walloping Cena and hits the flying clothesline in the corner. Cole craps all over Miz’s offense, so way to build new stars. Cena now gets the comeback and it culminates in the FU but he gets chokeslammed. Show drags Miz to the corner but Miz won’t tag Show. Show lays out Miz with a punch. Chavo hops in and gets the pin. Hmm…maybe the WWE IS trying to do a make-good for the Hispanics. Wait, now Chavo is getting an FU. Haha…take that Latin American wrestlers! Cena is attacking Show but gets knocked out midair. Show better make him tap here since you know Show’s tapping on Sunday. Show’s going for the worst looking camel clutch this side of a Legends of Wrestling PPV.

Commercial.

We get an MVP/Kofi joint interview as they blow each other. They’re “friends”. Both think they are gonna leave with the US Title. MVP does a Jamaican accent, which would be racist if done by anyone by Porter. Now they bring up “The View”. Oh man, black-on-black violence…TONIGHT.

Lawler and a profusely sweating Cole take us to the ring. The match gets a full entrance for both guys. The announcers mention that Porter’s first night on RAW he called out Orton and Kingston’s first night on RAW saw him win the IC Title. This turned into a hype for tonight’s parking lot nonsense. MVP and Kofi are at a stalemate as they pretend like we’re gonna get a full wrestling match. If this goes more than 5 minutes I’ll be thrilled.

The match is still slow to start, but Kofi is picking up the pace a bit before another stalemate.

Commercial.

And we’re back as MVP has another resthold. These two with no restrictor plates could be amazing, but we’re getting an oddly paced match. Kofi dives on top of MVP but it turns into the big boot. The audience for this one is dead, which is a bad sign. MVP should be a top face, and with Kennedy gone, give Porter the spot. The audience has no clue who to root for until MVP does the Ballin’ Elbow, because it’s something they know to chant along with…like lemmings.

Kofi is now on the top rope but gets caught and crotched by MVP (wow that doesn’t sound right). MVP now looking for a superplex. And he hits it, but MVP looks like he landed on his neck. We trade some near falls before we do the Bret/Lex double clothesline. Big German Suplex by MVP only gets two, but Kofi kicked out. “What’s it gonna take?” asks Lawler. Gee, I don’t know. If only the two had time tested moves that win every time. Like a “finishing” move.

MVP must have heard me as he goes for the Playmaker but that gets turned into a Trouble in Paradise but that misses and we get a roll-up that gets reversed and Kofi Kingston wins. Huh? I hope (I really, really hope) that this is what I said a while ago that this will free MVP up to go for the main event. MVP passes the belt to Kofi and we get sportsmanship. Kofi celebrates as he is now the proud winner of a feud with William Regal and Matt Hardy.

Ted and Randy are backstage and Teddy is basically saying he doesn’t believe in Orton. “Flair is capable of anything.” Because Orton isn’t? Orton pretty much killed the McMahon family, not to mention he has 2 disciples, so why is he scared of an old man?

And here comes Vickie Guerrero. She’s got buckets. When they said she couldn’t carry a match, this isn’t what they meant. Oh good, the slop bucket is back. Cue Henry Godwin. We’re bringing back all the mid-90’s awfulness.

Commercial.

Santino is here as we see footage of pigs in a pen. This is an intergender match between a widow and a man who pinned Umaga. That’s entertainment. She is now scared of the buckets that SHE BROUGHT TO THE RING. Ah, logic. Regal and Matt Hardy run to the ring but regal gets covered in slop. He is apparently paralyzed by the slop. Regal awakens from his Festus-like coma to wail on Santino. Matt cracks Santino with the cast and knocks him (and the crowd’s interest) out. I like to see midcard heels get a shot, but when it’s to enhance a comedy match, I get annoyed. Why the hell didn’t Regal and Hardy go over earlier tonight? Vickie has another slop bucket and is gonna pour it on the unconscious Santino, who is lucky that he doesn’t have to see this. She is pouring it on his crotch. Oh no! The horror! Now its on his face. The announcers are selling this like she’s lighting him on fire. This is so beyond the realm of stupidity that Vince needs to reevaluate his career.

Flair is in the back and he looks forlorn. Why? Because he has to fight Orton or because he has to follow that segment?

Holy crap, a Savage DVD promo! This is SO getting my money. Loved Savage. Savage with the teacup is hilarious. Too hot to handle, too cold to hold.

Commericals.

We now get the in-ring hype for the PPV. I’ll try to do the Roundtable to give my thoughts on the show…you know, other than just saying it’s a repeat of last month but with stupid gimmicks.

Commercials.

Orton is in the parking lot looking for Flair. He hops the railing and now is surrounded by cars. It’s like watching a rerun of the old Eddie/Cena car rumble. Flair just jumped Orton right after Orton yelled “Flair?” Did he expect Ric to just say, “Come get me!” Flair has ripped Orton’s shirt off and is chopping the hell out of him. Flair just got whipped into a bunch of clearly empty crates. Flair now wheels Orton into a table and there’s a crowd of people in the back watching this. Right now the fans in the arena who paid for a main event are watching monitors. They’re heading close to Gorilla Position and are now in the back of the arena where it’s too dark to even see.

They’re now on the ramp as Orton goes for the Garvin Stomp. Randy Orton, with his torn t-shirt, is assaulting Flair in a slow, dull beatdown. How does this sell Batista/Orton? Flair just hit Orton with a low blow which means this thing is continuing for some reason. Ric’s hair is all disheveled and he looks like someone’s grandfather who broke out of the home, but he’s getting offense on the world champion. Seriously, how the hell is THIS selling your PPV? Now the fans want to see Flair/Orton even though they don’t want to see Flair wrestle ever again. Instead, we’re getting Orton/Batista, which has zero build-up. Randy’s actually bleeding, which means that no one can get color to enhance a storyline except Flair…who isn’t even part of the damn storyline! Flair is making Orton look like a little bitch. This is the same Flair who got like zero offense on Jericho a few months ago. Flair is clearing off the announce table. Where’s security? I know there was a graphic, but this isn’t a sanctioned match. Since this is unsanctioned and Flair is a retired ex-employee, the liability the WWE is opening themselves up to is immeasurable. Thank goodness this is a fake sport.

Flair’s got Orton on the announce table and he’s trying to break his ankle. Flair has the Figure Four on the table, which I can’t imagine does too much extra damage. Legacy finally saves Orton (and this segment) by jumping the retired ex-wrestler. Ric is now being dragged into the cage that just happens to still be down from the hype segment earlier. Flair is suplexed by Priceless as we wait for Batista’s inevitable run-in. Ugh. Orton is huddling with Legacy and sends them out of the cage. The door is locked shut, which means we could get the spot where Batista rips the padlock off the door. Orton is still standing over the nearly dead Flair, but NOW Batista comes out…you know, well after the door was locked. Where was he for all the minutes the door was OPEN?! So now we’re making our challenger look like a freaking moron. Dave is trying to pull the padlock but to no avail. Flair is trapped in the cage as Batista finally realizes he can climb the cage. Flair just ate an RKO as Dave runs around the outside like a puppy chasing after the beam from a flashlight. Batista looks like he’s gonna cry. I will remind Dave that Ric challenged Orton to this thing and Orton laid him out per the specifications. Talk about a bunch of sore losers. Dave is waiting out Orton. Orton is waiting out 11:05 when the camera goes black and the show has end. Orton just kicked Flair in the head (or tried but missed) and is now swinging on the second rope staring down the Animal with a psychotic look. This is STILL going on. There’s the copyright so it’s over. How did Orton escape? Will we ever learn?

Tune in Sunday…or don’t. I really could care less.

This has been for your consideration.

Questions? Comments? Desire to wish me luck on the exam? Shoot me a message on the Twitter gimmick or e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com.

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