Monday Morning Critic – 6.2.09

.On tap this week:
— Screaming bloody murder
— Remakes
— Firefly

One of the downsides of playing soccer is occasionally you get hurt. Anytime you play a competitive sport you run that risk, and for me it’s a matter of timing. My timing is always bad and usually I can walk away from most things without a problem. This past year I’ve landed right on my neck and on the wrist, full force, and walked away with minor scrapes and bruises. So imagine my surprise when a shot kicked off my hand at an odd angle left me in a severe amount of pain.

I pull my glove off, to assess the damage, and my finger is crooked. Not a good thing. So I immediately head to the local emergency room; if I hadn’t looked at it I probably would have played on and part of me was tempted to play with a dislocated finger because of some altruistic machismo about not letting my teammates down or something. But sanity prevailed and I bailed immediately, stopping at home to pick up my father so I would have someone there in case I was all doped up.

After checking in and getting x-rayed, the E.R doctor diagnosed it as a dislocation but nothing else and wanted to pop it in immediately. I agreed, knowing it would be painful but wanting it to be over so they could give me some good pain killers. My father left the room, wanting to give me some privacy in what should be a painful situation. But it didn’t go as smoothly as I thought it would.

“SWEET JESUS” I yelled the first time, and it was a bad dislocation apparently because it hadn’t moved.

“OH FREAKING CRAP” I yelled and he got it in partially, but not all the way.

“BLOODY MURDER” I yelled as he couldn’t get it in all the way again. My father ran in the room by now, thinking I was being tortured. Three nurses also looked in as my screams apparently were heard through the Emergency Room.

“AHHH” I yelled and the fourth time was the charm, as the finger finally went back in and I am typing with a splint. I won’t be in goal for another month or so, but they gave me Tylenol 3 with Codeine. That night I slept better, but maybe if I hadn’t I would’ve gotten into the good colleges.

Random Thoughts of the Week

There’s been a bit of a mixed reaction from the usual suspects online due to word that another classic of science fiction is going to be remade: Alien. Predator is looking to be remade as well, and I’m a bit leery of that. My hope is that it’s a hard R rated action flick about a bunch of 20th century samurai with no qualms about death or dying, but my presumption is that it’s going to be a PG-13 film that preaches about moral equivalence and makes the Predator itself to be some sort of creature worthy of pity as opposed to being a badass hunter who likes to kill stuff for fun and honor. And while I disagree with the prospect of seeing it remade, as well as Alien as they both are masterpieces as far as I‘m concerned, I can agree with the sentiment. Film remakes need to happen, just not for everything.

As always, listen to me now and believe me later.

Every generation I think needs to show its wares off in terms of movies, and I think certain films directly should be remade every 20-30 years to show how far cinema has come. Every crop of directors needs certain things we can judge them by that are universal, and I think a good comparison could be fun. And there are several films that are relatively easy to remake for the time and context. If Seven Samurai can turn into The Magnificent Seven and not miss a beat, I think it’d be interesting to see what a similar film about gun hands protecting a small town in rural Montana in modern times would be like. And in that vein, I think a handful of films should be remade every now and again to show how things have changed.

The Longest Yard – If the Burt Reynolds masterpiece can be turned into a good Adam Sandler film and an interesting film about rugby starring Jason Statham, one imagines that a film about prisoners versus guards could be done relatively easily in the future.

The Towering Inferno – Every generation needs a big ensemble disaster film and this would be a great vehicle for a huge, once a generation cast to come together.

Alfie – If Jude Law can take a great Michael Caine vehicle and turn it into a terrific film on its own, English lotharios in America can have their once a generation womanizer be a different young actor every year.

There’s dozens of films that should be remade, but alas it’s the ones that don’t need it that are probably going to get remakes.

A Movie A Week – The Challenge

This Week’s Film – Firefly


Ok, so this isn’t a movie. Technically it was a film in Serenity, but it was originally a TV show called Firefly that was extraordinarily brilliant and extraordinarily abused by Fox. I went and saw Serenity without ever having watched the TV show, and loved the film too, but it’s interesting watching the source material behind it. The series itself would’ve been great to see go beyond a season, as it’s about the best example I can find of one show that is set up for long term success and not getting that second season.

What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Harps and community college girls with low standards at The Alumni Club

The Hangover – A bunch of guys get so wrecked during a bachelor party that they all black out. Shenanigans ensue when they try to trace their path back.

See It – Any R rated comedy has a problem with the trailer because all the good, filthy stuff can’t be shown. This looks like it’ll be disgustingly funny.

My Life In Ruins – Nia Vardalos returns to Greece.

Skip It – The time to capitalize on My Big Fat Greek Wedding wasn’t seven years after the film was a hit; it was in 2003, when Vardalos and the original cast returned for My Big Fat Greek Life failed spectacularly. This is an actress grasping at straws, as the entire marketing campaign is based on the following pitch: “Hey, she had a hit once right?”

Land of the Lost – Will Ferrell resurrects the old television show about a Doctor and his family marooned in a place before time. Danny McBride and his mullet are there, too.

See It – McBride and Ferrell are a combination I’ve been waiting to see and I think this could be absolutely hilarious.

Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.

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