Smack YOU! May 29th 2009

This is probably the latest I’ve ever had a column. I’ve had this hand written since the weekend but just not had time to type it up. Hopefully I can get my lap top sorted out soon and I won’t have to keep hand writing the reviews. I am torn though because I think the quality of the reviews have gotten better but it’s just not as time effective.

We’re in some building where the Los Angeles Clippers team and some other lesser team whose name escapes me

Rey Mysterio starts us out. He’s happy to be back in Cali, so much so that he starts speaking Spanish! He’s excited to battle Jericho at Extreme Rules. “Off the Hook” was the term I believe he used. Jericho interrupts in a wicked suit to retort the claim that the match will indeed be “off the hook”. Jericho mentions that he can hit Rey with a chair at the PPV and give him a concussion. I won’t point out the obvious reason why that comment is in poor taste. Needless to say, I was shocked Jericho didn’t threaten to leave Rey with the mind of an 80 year old Alzheimer’s sufferer. Rey says Jericho’s word is worthless and points out Mickey Rourke in the crowd. Jericho mouths off to Rourke and the insults Rey’s fans, managing to get the word “gelatinous” into a wrestling promo which is quite the achievement. Jericho threatens to take Rey’s mask so Rey sends him packing to end the segment.

R-Truth and Great Khali Vs Dolph Ziggler and Mike Knox

Truth and Khali dancing together is money. Knox’s beard is stupendous. I wonder if there’s a small family of squirrels living in there. What do you think lives in Mike Knox’s beard? Answers by email and if it makes me chuckle enough I’ll put it in next weeks column. Ziggler and Truth start with Ziggler going to the arm bar. Khali gets tagged in and Ziggler runs to his bearded night in hairy armour. Knox gets slapped around by Khali but uses the POWER OF THE BEARD to clothesline Truth and bring him to the heel corner for some heat. Truth gets worked over for a while. Ziggler and Truth both go for a cross body and they’re both down. Khali gets the hot tag and runs wild on Knox. Ziggler tries something from the top rope but Khali catches him around the throat. Knox saves and Ziggler runs for the hills leaving Knox to take the Tree Slam for the three count.

WINNERS – KHALI AND TRUTH

* – Not awful or anything and I’m perversely enjoying this Khali/Ziggler feud

Melina Vs Alicia Fox/ Michelle McCool

Alicia needs a new hairdo, it’s at Ricky Ortiz levels of bizarreness. Slapfest to start which goes Alicia’s way. Alicia tries a clothesline but Melina pulls out the “matrix” move to dodge and send Alicia outside. McCool provides a distraction allowing Alicia to cut Melina off for some heat. That doesn’t last long as Melina fires back with a clothesline and a sloppy dropkick. No heat for any of this by the way. McCool tries another distraction but Melina shrugs it off and gets her splits leg drop move for the win.

WINNER – MELINA

½* – That was pretty ugly. Alicia bumped well for the finisher though. McCool lays claim to the Women’s Title post match which she may get depending on how much a certain tattooed biker gets nagged back home.

Josh Matthews is with John Morrison. He thinks Umaga is like a tree or something. Okay then. Shelton crashes the interview to remind Morrison they have unfinished business. Morrison verbally owns him and then leaves him seething.

Jeff Hardy is walking……..backstage! Oh the humanity!

Jeff Hardy joins us for some promoage. General gist of the promo is that he’s comfortable in ladder matches and he wants to prove that his first title reign wasn’t a fluke. Short, concise and to the point. Me likey.

Umaga Vs John Morrison

Umaga overpowers Morrison to start. Morrison tries to stick and move to little success. Umaga gets low bridged and Morrison follows with a body press. Morrison keeps using his speed to stay on top but Umaga shrugs it all off and flattens him with a Samoan Drop.

Commercial

We’re back with Umaga having Morrison in a nerve pinch. Morrison manages to fight off but then stupidly tries to Suplex Umaga and that goes about as well as expected. Umaga suplexes Morrison mid section first on the top rope and then kicks him off the apron to the floor. That’s actually a technique Samoans use to hunt Yaks in the wild. Umaga tries to bring Morrison back in but Morrison drops him throat first on the top rope but then takes a clothesline and sells it Marty Jannetty style with a flip. Umaga goes back to the nerve pinch. I’ve explained why I hate big guys doing that move before.

To me, the whole point of the nerve pinch is that it’s not about strength but knowledge of the human anatomy. That’s why it works in Star Trek and it’s really cool because it allows a normal size guy to take down massive guys because it’s a fucking NERVE hold. How would a wild Samoan savage know how to decimate someone with pin point precision? Put him in a camel clutch or something! Anyway, back to the match. Morrison fights out again and gets the Pele Kick but ends up taking a Gun Stinger and we’re back to the nerve pinch. Come on, that’s a bit excessive, find a new hold Ekmo. Morrison finally gets out and counters a tilt a whirl into a DDT for two. Morrison runs wild on Umaga but can’t knock him down. Morrison finally bumps him with the springboard back kick. The fight spills outside and Umaga whips Morrison with a strap for the lame DQ.

WINNER – JOHN MORRISON

** – Not bad at all until the crappy DQ finish. Umaga beats Morrison down until a random hobo runs down, possibly looking for change, and Umaga flees because he probably only has a 20. Oh wait, that was CM Punk, sorry about that.

Punk cuts a promo post match saying he’ll find a way to beat Umaga at the PPV.

Cryme Tyme Vs TWGTT

JTG and Haas start us out with JTG getting the better of things and bringing in Shad for some cool double teams. Shad eats some knees on a corner splash and Shelton comes in to pound away on Shad. Shad comes back and uses JTG as a weapon, kind of like a human axe, to flatten Shelton. TWGTT cheat and cut off JTG as we take a break.

Commercial

We’re back with JTG desperately needing a tag. TWGTT get the heat on JTG for a while and get some nice stuff in. JTG eventually hits Haas with a move of some sort. No idea what they were going for there. Shad gets the tag and is a House En Feugo. Shad gets a Power Slam and elbow on Shelton but Haas breaks up the pin at two. JTG and Haas spill outside and Shelton nails Shad with the Pay Dirt during the commotion for the win.

WINNERS – TWGTT

**1/2 – A very enjoyable TV match. Good heat by TWGTT and JTG was a fine face in peril.

Recap of the insipid Layla Vs Eve feud. Which of course leads to…

Dream Match of the Decade!!!
Layla Vs Eve

As a matter of reference I personally find Layla more attractive. Cat fight to start! Where’s Joey Styles when you need him? The fight spills outside where Layla sends Eve spine first into the apron. Back inside, Layla works the back with simple stuff. Not a bad heat segment at all actually. Both women face crush each other at the same time and then fight off into an awesome slugfest, man they are up for it tonight. Eve hits a pretty tight little comeback showing some good fire and gets a sunset flip for two. Layla fights back and goes for a cross body but Eve rolls through for the win/

WINNER – EVE

*1/4 – That wasn’t bad at all. They worked a basic match and didn’t do anything too complicated or dangerous and the crowd was pretty receptive. There was a story, a logical heat segment and a well constructed finish. There were certain problems with execution here and there but that’s to be expected as both women are still pretty green. Thumbs up from me girls, I’m happy to be proven wrong!

Edge and Jericho bitch backstage and Jericho threatens to make Edge wrestle the match by himself.

Edge and Chris Jericho Vs Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy

But wait! Jericho doesn’t come out at first but it all turns out to be a ruse as he jumps Rey during his entrance from the crowd and gives him a brutal beating making this now a handicap match.

Edge and Chris Jericho Vs Jeff Hardy

Jeff runs wild to start sending Edge outside. Jeff follows with a dive but gets caught with a dropkick by Jericho on his way back inside. Edge works Jeff over for a large portion of the heat. Jeff is bleeding from his right eye, possibly as a result of the dropkick. Jericho gets nothing but knees on a Lionsault attempt and Jeff uses the opportunity to fight back. Edge gets knocked into the corner and then takes a mule kick right in the gob. Edge and Jericho collide and Jeff gets a school boy on edge for two. Jeff flattens both men with the Whisper in the Wind and then nails Jericho with the Twist of Fate only to turn around right into a Spear for the win.

WINNERS – EDGE AND CHRIS JERICHO

**1/2 – Good match but I’m sick of all the handicap matches recently. Edge mauls Jeff with a ladder post match.

The match quality was down from pervious weeks but Smackdown is still my favourite wrestling show of the week. Hopefully the Smackdown matches at the PPV will deliver because the build, especially for Jericho/Mysterio, has been really good.

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