The SmarK Rant for WWE Extreme Rules 2009

The SmarK Rant for WWE Extreme Rules 2009

– Do they really pay people to think up these names?

– Live from New Orleans, LA

– Your hosts are JR, Todd, Cole, King, Striker & Josh.

US title: Kofi Kingston v. William Regal v. Matt Hardy v. MVP

Hasn’t the Fatal Four-Way traditionally been elimination rules or I am just losing my memory again? Kofi clears the ring to start and hits MVP & Matt with a pescado, then comes back in with a high cross on Regal for two. Kofi and MVP collide in an ugly botched spot and Kofi recovers with his wacky back elbow, but gets attacked in the corner by Regal. He tries a butterfly superplex, but MVP brings them both down instead and Matt covers all three of them in turn for two. Side Effect on Regal gets two. Yodeling legdrop on MVP gets two. Kofi comes back on Hardy and dropkicks him, then slams Regal onto Hardy and hits his wacky legdrop for two. He tries the spinkick on Regal, but gets tossed into Hardy and falls on top for two. MVP hits Kofi with an overhead suplex for two. The ring gets cleared and MVP does what I guess is a Ballin’ Elbow. Regal clears the ring, but Kofi hits the spinkick to finish at 6:40. Kinda short and hard to follow. **1/2

Meanwhile, Josh Matthews bugs Big Show about his strategy for tonight.

No Holds Barred, Intercontinental title: Rey Mysterio v. Chris Jericho

Jericho’s evil pre-match promo is great stuff ("I decided to become one of you…DON’T TOUCH ME!"). Rey charges in for the takedown and they brawl to the floor already, as Rey chucks a piece of the table at Jericho and dropkicks him into the railing. Jericho comes back with a whip into the stairs, but Rey does a flip off them and dropkicks them back into Jericho again. That’s a cool spot. Back in, Rey with a springboard legdrop for two. Jericho drops him onto the top rope to slow him down, then does the catapult under the ropes for two. Rey tries to go up, but Jericho shoves him down and stomps away on the apron. He tries the springboard dropkick, but Rey gets his feet up to block and then follows Jericho down with a bodypress to the floor. Back in, legdrop gets two. He sets up for the 619, but Jericho evades him. Rey blocks a blind charge and rolls him up for two, but Jericho reverses for two. Nice reversal sequence into the Walls, but Rey reverses into a cradle for two. Rey with the head kick for two. Jericho clotheslines him for two, and then slides him right out of the ring like they were in an old Western. Jericho with a front suplex on the floor, which gets two back in the ring. Jericho hits the chinlock and tries for the mask, but Rey fights out and dodges a blind charge. Jericho hits the floor and Rey follows with a tope suicida over the corner. Back in, Rey with a headscissors and a bad-looking rana for two. Not sure what happened there. Rey tries the 619 again, but Jericho catches him with the spinning backbreaker and gets two. He blocks a rana attempt with a powerbomb, but the Lionsault misses and Rey hits a 619 to the back of the head. He goes up for the splash, but Jericho counters with the Codebreaker in a great spot and that gets two. Jericho gets frustrated and grabs a chair, but Rey dropkicks it back into his face and gets two. Arabian Facebuster gets two. Drop toehold onto the chair gets two as we get all the ECW tribute spots tonight. Jericho finally counters into the Walls, but Rey grabs the chair and nails Jericho with it to break. Another 619, but Jericho unmasks him in mid-move and rolls up the stunned Mysterio for the pin at 14:32, giving him another IC title. I liked last month’s match a bit more because it had a better pace and more crazy reversals, but this was entertaining and hard-fought. ***3/4

Samoan Strap Match: CM Punk v. Umaga

This is the lame "touch all four" rules instead of the better "beat the fuck out of the guy with the strap and pin him" rules. There’s a graphic in the corner that shows who has touched what corners, but it’s way behind the action and thus useless. Umaga beats on Punk and touches two to start, but Punk kicks him down and gets two himself. Umaga takes him down with a samoan drop and whips him, then drops a headbutt. They head to the floor and Umaga wraps his arm around the post and pounds on it, then superkicks him off the apron. With Punk out, Umaga touches two turnbuckles unchallenged, but can’t get a third one before Punk gets back in with a flying clothesline. Punk tries the GTS, but come on, and indeed Umaga flattens him with a leg lariat. Umaga charges and hits the post, and Punk goes low with the strap and puts Umaga on the floor. Back in, high knee in the corner into the bulldog, and Punk touches three turnbuckles. Umaga stops him with the uranage and touches three himself. Punk tosses him to break it up. He manages to touch three, but as Matthews notes, geometrically speaking it’s impossible to hit the fourth one with Umaga on the floor. So he yanks Umaga back in to knock him down, and gets another three turnbuckles, then catches the charging Umaga with the GTS and touches the fourth one at 8:59. Kinda slow and plodding. **1/4

ECW World title: Christian v. Jack Swagger v. Tommy Dreamer

This is basically Christian’s title v. Tommy’s career. Swagger takes Christian down and out of the ring, then tackles Dreamer , prompting the babyfaces to load up the ring with plunder. Tommy beats on Swagger with the cane, and a legsweep gets two. Pumphandle suplex on Christian, but Swagger lays Dreamer out from behind and pounds him in the corner. Dreamer dumps him and somersaults off the apron with a garbage can, and back in for a cane-assisted clothesline off the middle rope on Swagger. He hangs Swagger in the Tree of Woe, but stops to declare his love for ECW and gets laid out by Christian as a result. Swagger comes back and canes Christian down for two. Gutbuster into a press slam gets two. He undoes the turnbuckle, but Tommy hits him with the cane and Christian gets two. Dreamer misses an elbowdrop, but Swagger hits the flying Christian with a garbage can, leaving us with Dreamer and Swagger. They slug it out with weapons and Swagger suplexes him down, then piles cans in the middle of the ring and sets up for a superplex. Christian brings them both down with a powerbomb and covers Dreamer for two. The crowd is just dead for this. Christian comes off the top with a crutch and tries the Killswitch, but Swagger sends him into the steel turnbuckle to break. Dreamer hits Swagger with a crutch, however, and DDTs him for the pin and the title 9:36. Kind of a shock since they usually go for the downer ending when someone is about to retire, but I’d say Tommy deserves a longer reign than his first one was. The match was a huge step down from the last couple of PPVs, though, as it was kind of meandering with a dead crowd and could have used some blood. **1/2

Hogpen Match: Santina v. Vickie Guerrero

Chavo gets drafted into the match by Vickie to somehow make it even stupider. Chavo and Santino throw mud at each other, and Santino reverses a piledriver attempt into the mud. Chavo tries to toss Santino into the pen, but gets thrown in there himself as irony strikes again. Vickie decides to get involved and gets a bucket of slop thrown at her, which is apparently the funniest thing ever on WWE TV according to Michael Cole, and Santino pins her at 2:43 to end this horseshit. Or pigshit. Whatever. -*** I felt sorry for the pigs who had to sit there and watch this because they were confined by their pen.

Cage match, RAW World title: Randy Orton v. Batista

Orton makes a run for it immediately and gets yanked down by Batista, who slugs away in the corner. Orton climbs again and gets pulled down again, and Batista clotheslines him and follows with a suplex for two. Orton fights him off and goes for the door, but Batista hits him with a corner clothesline. Orton sends him into the cage and gets a neckbreaker, but can’t crawl out of the door. Batista with a powerslam for two. Orton fires back in the corner, but Batista hits the spinebuster. Orton counters the powerbomb attempt and backdrops him into the cage, however. Orton dropkicks him into the cage and climbs again, but changes his mind and tries the punt, which Batista evades. Orton escapes the powerbomb and Batista escapes the RKO, and the powerbomb finishes at 7:00 to give Batista the belt. Huh? That was barely even a finishing sequence. **

Submission match: John Cena v. Big Show

Cena immediately tries to take him down for the STF, but Show is just too big. It’s not humanly possible, you know. Show pounds Cena down as Cole continues his obsession with talking about the size of Show’s hands. Wow, he wears a size 22 ring, give him the World title again and shut the hell up. Cena tries to overpower Show and gets tossed as a result, and Show pounds the ribs on the way back in. Show gets a sleeper and Cena reverses to his own, but Show powerbombs out of it and goes back to work on the ribs again. And that just keeps GOING, until he finally tries a pump splash and Cena moves. Cena tries a slam for some reason and Show puts him in the CUDDLE OF DOOM on the mat. Cena miraculously breaks free of this devastating submission move, but Show tosses him as this somehow manages to get even more boring. And we’re back in for the only thing that could make this thing suck even worse, the ABDOMINAL STRETCH. Cena escapes that, so it’s now time for the bearhug. Cena fights out of that and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and FU, but still can’t get that darn STF. Show puts him on the floor with the knockout punch, but Cena recovers long enough to send him into the post. Show heads back and Cena hits the legdrop, then tries to tie up Show’s leg in the ropes and hooks the STF for the submission at 19:01. This looked really stupid, as Show’s leg came loose and it was just Cena doing a crossface while Show was in the ropes. On the bright side, at least it ended this awful, awful match. *

Ladder match, Smackdown World title: Edge v. Jeff Hardy

Hardy with a corner clothesline, but Edge elbows him down and spears him in the corner, but Jeff comes back with a front suplex and retrieves the first ladder. Edge baseball slides it back at him, but charges and gets backdropped onto it. Jeff makes the first climb, but Edge hauls him down and flapjacks him into the ladder. Which didn’t go very well. Jeff and the ladder kind of flop into the ropes off the bump, and Edge whips Jeff into the ladder in the corner to follow. Edge tries another spear and hits the ladder by mistake, but recovers by ramming the ladder into Jeff’s knee. He follows with a Sharpshooter, which of course goes nowhere. JR likens a leg injury to "A one-armed man in a paper hanging contest". Um, if you say so, Jim. Edge climbs and Jeff dropkicks him down, then catches him with another ladder shot. He fetches an even bigger ladder and hits the Twist of Fate, but takes so long climbing the giant ladder that Edge is able to roll away from the swanton. However, Jeff goes with Plan B and dives onto the hanging belt instead, but is unable to unhook it before Edge pulls him down. Jeff climbs again and hits Edge with the Whisper in the Wind off the ladder, then brings a normal-sized ladder in before tackling Edge out of the ring. Another ladder gets set up on the railing and Jeff tosses one at Edge, but gets whipped into the stairs as a result. Jeff tries to charge and gets dumped into the front row, but puts Edge onto the ladder. He climbs yet another ladder and Edge follows, and they both go down and through the horizontal ladder. Is it any wonder guys are still getting as injured as ever? Back in, Jeff climbs first, but Edge dives off the huge ladder and Jeff catches him with a Twist of Fate in mid-air to bring him down. Jeff climbs again but Edge knocks him down, so Jeff ties Edge in the ladder to incapacitate him, then climbs and wins the title at 20:03. Now that’s a cool finish. Felt like a bit of a spot show at times, but that’s what people wanted. ****

However, the celebration is short-lived, as it’s MONEY IN THE BANK time…

Smackdown World title: Jeff Hardy v. CM Punk

BIG heel reaction for Punk, who immediately gets the GTS for two. Hardy reverses another one for two, but he’s done and a high kick and Go 2 Sleep finishes to give Punk another World title. Oh, the little girls are not going to be happy about that one.

The Pulse:

Pretty glad I picked WEC over this show, actually, as there was nothing here that was a must-see and some of it was just plain awful or bizarre. Main event almost saved it, but this was otherwise the definition of a middling show. Thumbs in the middle.

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