For Your Consideration…Three for One and One (Review) for All

For Your Consideration…Three for One and One (Review) for All

I wrapped up all my Bar work so that I can enjoy RAW tonight, and by enjoy RAW I mean pray that they don’t screw this one up. As a reminder, you can follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316 or e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com.

Tonight’s RAW is a very interesting opportunity for the company. They are trying very hard on a night with minimal competition to put forth what is essentially the 21st Century equivalent to “Clash of the Champions”. However, unlike “Clash”, where you were pretty assured that WCW wouldn’t deliver a new champion for free, the WWE has guaranteed that we will see a new WWE Champion. On top of that, we’re getting an ECW title match AND a World Championship match.

The logic the WWE is employing makes perfect sense here, because nothing will get people to tune in like a title match. Even better, we’re promised to get three full matches. The WWE isn’t going to do what they normally do on RAW when the promise a main event and just do a run-in finish after about five minutes of actual match time. Here, with three hours to kill, there’s no reason why they can’t let the Smackdown triple threat just cut loose and blow everyone away. As for the RAW main event, there’s no way Vince is going to end the show without a champion, since I’m pretty sure the next PPV is gonna need to be built up soon.

Since I’ve got some time before the show, I’m going to go out on a limb and talk about some of the stuff that might happen tonight (kinda like what Widro did earlier).

First up is the WWE Title match. Last week I was talking to the now ubiquitous Pulse Glazer about the RAW title situation and I thought for sure I had come up with the best idea. Considering the timing of year and the length of the RAW, why not do a King of the Ring for the belt? Why highlight four guys when you can highlight eight? Obviously you’re gonna have Hunter, Cena, Show and Orton in regardless, so why not spice it up? RAW’s got some solid upper midcard guys like MVP and Matt Hardy, not to mention The Miz or even The Brian Kendrick.

If you’ll indulge a moment of logic (not fantasy booking because I’m trying hard here to justify what’s gonna happen beat by beat), it could play out like this. Hunter /Show, Orton/Kendrick, Cena/Miz,, Hardy/MVP. By having that bracket, you’re teasing the crowd with the possibility of seeing Hunter/Orton round two, with the winner of that match all but assured the title. Doing Hunter/Show allows the company to NOT have us see Hunter/Orton or Cena/Show a thousand times. In that match you’d have Big Show go over to again avoid the inevitable Orton/Hunter match. How do you accomplish this? Priceless does a run-in and attacks Show, drawing the DQ. It would say a lot about Orton’s fear of Hunter that he’d rather face the Big Show than get in the ring with Triple H. Assuming at this point that Triple H is irate and kicked out of the building, you can do the rest of the tournament free and clear of Game-ference. Orton can go over Kendrick quickly, with Brian serving as the random jobber. You can’t use Kofi because he’s got the US Title and you can’t use Regal because he’s more of an ally to Legacy than a foe. Also, you don’t want Santino because he’s even less of a title contender than The Brian Kendrick. Whatever, point is, Orton goes over quickly so as to save himself for later. John Cena and The Miz provides a unique opportunity for Miz to actually get a win over Cena, albeit by a fluke. Priceless can again come down to the ring like they’re trying to attack John, and when Cena’s not looking he gets rolled up. This now knocks Cena out of the picture and now John’s got a legit gripe against Legacy. On top of that, you’ve given The Miz an actual win over Cena, something he can hang his hat on for years to come (like Jericho does with beating Austin and The Rock in one night). The final match of MVP/Hardy plays out like all of their other matches do, with MVP beating Hardy in a solid bout. Round two is Show/Orton and MVP/Miz. Here, since Hunter’s already been tossed from the ring, you can have Cena interfere and attack Orton. Why? Because he gets his revenge on Randy while also screwing over The Big Show. Considering this is a free show and you need to have short matches to keep the talent fresh, screwjobs aplenty are okay. On the other side, MVP can go over Miz cleanly. This sets up a main event of Randy Orton versus MVP, and after a solid match Orton can go over and win the gold with Cena and Hunter banned. Now you’ve managed to further the storyline of Hunter/Orton as well as give Cena and Show legitimate gripes with Randy. Suddenly the entire RAW main event revolves around your heel champion.

Alright, enough of the fantasy booking, but thanks for the indulgence. As for what’s gonna happen, there are some interesting (and not-so-interesting) scenarios. First up is the obvious scenario of Hunter going over. It seems predictable that Triple H will, upon his return, immediately get his belt back, but I don’t think they’re gonna do this. Next up is Orton winning. Randy lost the belt to Batista in an underwhelming match and the next night made Dave a truly lame duck champion. Giving Orton the belt would be like pushing the reset button on Extreme Rules. Again, I don’t think they’re gonna do that.

Why?

Batista won the belt for a reason. Creative needed Dave to win the title because that was what they booked. They wanted the gold off of Orton. They also didn’t want the gold on Hunter. My guess is that the company was going to play off the fact that Batista was the one who cost Hunter the title, and morph the summer storyline into a triple-threat feud between Hunter, Randy and Dave. The Evolution feud. Triple H has unfinished business with Orton (apparently) and by Dave holding the gold, both Randy and Hunter have a common enemy. Creative put the belt on the injured Batista because they needed the belt off of Orton. Its clear that the intention for the title was that it wasn’t going to land on Randy or Hunter, so why throw everything out the window?

This is where it gets interesting. By not having Dave, the potential triple-threat scenario is out the window. Since coming up with a whole new storyline would take too much work, why not throw the title into another already made feud? Cue John Cena and The Big Show. Cena and Show seem to be continuing this never-ending suckfest of a feud, with the only benefit being that it was two world champion contenders not competing for the belt itself. My guess? One of them is leaving with the gold tonight.

The obvious option is Cena. John Cena is, for all intents and purposes, the face of the WWE. On top of that, RAW finally has HIS belt back. John Cena hasn’t held the spinning belt in what feels like forever. Watching other people walk around with it is like watching Batman walk around with Superman’s cape. Giving Cena the gold would be great, but it’s unnecessary. Nope, I am going to have to disagree with Widro and say that I think tonight The Big Show is walking out of the arena with the WWE Title.

Yes, you read that right, The Big Show. Why? Well first off, Cena or Hunter getting the gold deserves to be on a PPV after a long chase. The WWE can get a lot of money out of people’s desire to see one of those men climb to the top of the mountain. On top of that, giving Orton the gold again just makes the last PPV seem like a mistake (even if it was). Batista was designed to be the placeholder champion and the third wheel. He was a perennial challenger who hasn’t held the belt in a while and needed to hold the title to justify his place. He was a guy who could lose the belt to any of the three guys and it wouldn’t hurt him. Hmm…kinda sounds like The Big Show.

I say put the gold on Show, let him and Cena have a feud over the title, free up Orton and Hunter to war over something personal instead of using the belt as a prop, and burn the clock until Summerslam.

As for Smackdown and ECW, I say let it lie. CM Punk is finally being used in the exact right way. Punk needs to be the character that is nonplussed about everything. Don’t make him a cowardly heel, don’t make him an annoying babyface, just make him a competitor. CM Punk should be portrayed as a UFC fighter. He should focus in on the guy he’s fighting, face or heel, prepare and go wrestle. If he’s fighting Edge, let him badmouth Edge. If he’s fighting Jeff Hardy, let him badmouth Jeff Hardy. Don’t have him interfere to attack a guy or go out and save his opponent. Let him be an island unto himself. The fans will turn him however they want, but if the WWE tries to play him straight and not make it clear, it could be a hell of a lot of fun.

Tommy Dreamer as the ECW Champion is in fact awesome. He’s a guy who has deserved it forever, and to see him hold it for longer than his last reign makes me happy. Christian and Swagger quite frankly don’t need the title. Keep the belt on a guy that can get beaten any week by anyone. Use Dreamer to put the gold on Mark Henry if you want. Or Koslov…who seems to be turning face based on the fact that he smiled a lot on ECW last week. If the ECW Title revolved around only Christian and Jack Swagger, it would get even older even faster. Now we can see Swagger face Evan Bourne or Christian feud with the Hart Dynasty AND get a world title match.

Alright, time to buckle up and enjoy RAW.

Signature for some reason still has Michelle McCool.

We open with Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole looking all serious about Vince naming a new GM. Oh no, Vince is not only here to name a new GM but…for…something…ELSE!

This leads to a video package reliving (AGAIN) how Big Dave lost the gold. These video packages are always 100 times better than the actual beatdown. I hated the attack on Batista last week because he couldn’t sell an injured arm…and he HAD an injured arm. If you’ve just had your arm broken, you’re not gonna be talking. You’re going to be screaming in pain. Oh, also, the video package has the luxury of correcting the video screwup involving the ambulance and the random Triple H shot. Sloppy stuff last week that only now looks cool. Hunter takes off his shirt and here comes the beatdown. And we are still seeing Hunter in his British Bulldog jeans attacking Orton. I thought the point of the video package was to shorten the long and uninteresting beatdown.

RAW open. I wonder who’s gonna replace Kennedy in the video. Hmm..a lot more Matt Hardy and somehow still no William Regal. Damn Brits get no respect I guess. I think it would have been cooler if the WWE made a special opening for the Three-For-All.

Oh good, another shot of Cole and Lawler at ringside. Michael Cole just looks neutered at that point. Here’s Matt Striker and Josh Matthews, who look like miniature versions of real commentators. Finally we get Todd Grisham and an apparently napping Jim Ross. All three brands run down their respective world title matches.

Hey, we’re opening with Chris Jericho! Good to see him on a Monday night. Also good to see Justin Roberts doing the commentary. I know it sounds sexist and insensitive, but after ten years I still can’t stand Lillian Garcia. Justin Roberts sounds like a legit ring announcer. I’m also glad Jericho’s on RAW because I always forget that they switched the US and IC belts.

Jericho promo to open the three hour show. Jericho says the show’s gone in the toilet, which is actually pretty true. The GM quit, the championship’s vacant and all of the fans are still ignorant. Don’t forget that the WWE went ahead and fired Ken Kennedy and resigned Chris Masters. Oh yeah, and they allowed Santina to have a slot on the PPV. Someday Rey Mysterio will learn that Jericho is truthful and the mask will be Mysterio’s downfall and Jericho is his savior. What a great turn for the Jericho character. If anyone can pull off the cultlike character its Chris.

Rey Mysterio is coming down to the ring in yellow gloves that look like they’re used to wash dishes. That’s not a joke about Mexicans working in kitchens, I swear. I like how Rey is now wearing even easier to remove masks. Its like the late 90’s and early 00’s when The Kat would wear revealing outfits that could easily fall off and then they would…gasp…fall off. Only instead of seeing The Kat partially nude, it’s Rey’s childlike face.

I like how Jim Ross is turning slightly heel in his color commentary role. He’s still objective but he compliments the heels just as much as he compliments the faces. Jericho and Mysterio are going brutal early in this match as Chris just tossed him into the announce table. For some reason we get a countdown to the WWE Title match like its New Year’s Eve. Uh oh, why is that not the main event? I sense a screwjob.

Commercial. Seriously, how long has this Duralast commercial been on? I miss the Dualast commercial with the guy doing the brakes test to see if it wakes babies. Nothing made me laugh more than the guy waking the babies with the door and giving a thumbs up. The joke is lame but he SELLS that Duralast thumbs up.

And we’re back as Jericho is about to get hit with a 619 but turns it into a great tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. It looked more like a tilt-a-whirl torture rackc. Jericho now trying to remove the mask again to save Rey. I like how Jim Ross is actually giving the history of Rey wearing the mask, which would be a great story except for the fact that he unmasked ten years ago. Its as if the WWE tried to redo revealing the Higher Power and we had to act surprised when we found out its Vince.

A lower third just popped up with Breaking News that Mr. McMahon is revealing the new GM. Really? So the fact that Cole said it 15 minutes ago meant nothing. Vince doesn’t even trust Michael Cole to get THAT fact over that we need a graphic? Hahaha…Cole sucks so much in his eyes.

Mysterio with a suicide dive to the outside and Todd Grisham said it was a courageous dive. Commenting on courageous suicide attacks, Todd? Isn’t that what got Bill Maher kicked off ABC? Jericho and Rey are now back in the ring going back and forth and Chris is setting Rey up for the Walls but Rey reversed it into the 619 attempt but now Chris has him set up for a 619 but Rey turns it into a springboard. Hell of a series of moves. Normally when I comment on a RAW match I can make smartass comments but frankly Smackdown knows how to bring it. 619 hits, goes for the West Coast Pop, Jericho grabs the mask, Rey tries to stop him and eats a Codebreaker for the win. Solid as hell opening match.

Well, I guess Rey is clearly the first Wellness Policy victim. Rey jobs again to Chris, so clearly Rey’s back on the juice.

Here’s another graphic for the fatal fourway match, with challengers laid out on the screen like a Twister board. Vince McMahon is being set up for his “BIG” announcement in the back. Why isn’t he coming to the ring? Why is the title match not headlining the show? So many questions, so little chance they aren’t going to end in disappointment.

Commercial.

And we’re back and this week’s RAW fact is that 2 million females watched RAW last week. That reminds me, a few weeks ago I mentioned that my fiancé didn’t “get it”. Well, it turns out I was wrong. She actually has developed an appreciation of the WWE on a different level than I have. Perhaps that’s the key to Vince widening his audience, luring in people who would have no interest in wrestling and framing it in a way that appeals to them. She has a theater background so she can appreciate the “showy” aspects of it, not to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure she thinks Edge is cute. She’s a little sad that Vickie is gone, though, because the grating “Excuse me!” usually got a chuckle out of her. (Not to mention the fact that she sat through an entire ROH live event surrounded by sweaty ROHbots and endured Adam Pierce booking).

Josh Matthews doing double duty as he interviews Randy Orton. Josh looks about 2 feet tall standing next to Randy. Orton cuts off Josh’s recap of last week because he’s taking his heat. Yeah, because Josh is the Tough Enough vet you have to worry about getting over. “You think I’m gonna stand here and look like an idiot while you recap?” How the hell after all these years of wrestling did a heel not think to do that? Seriously. Randy mentions Flair for a decent “Wooo” pop. Once Randy wins the gold, he said Hunter will be irrelevant. Speaking of irrelevant, the camera pans to John Cena. Cena is now being jokey. “The WWE Universe will be talking about Randy Orton…like they do every week.” This coming from the guy who was the center of the world. Cena is now mocking Orton and called him the Grand Wizard of the Baby Oil. Why the hell hasn’t Orton just attacked him? Seriously? Make it a triple threat! Do something! Cena again talking about Orton and his oil…guess that’s a shoot. Orton just walks away. WTF?

Michael Cole thinks that we’re gonna have some breaking news tonight. Clearly Cole’s been reading the script. Here’s a replay of Vickie quitting and we get one final “excuse me” soundclip. As great as that is, do we need to see all of Vickie’s speech? Apparently so as the b-roll continues to roll. Oh great, Lawler and Cole and STILL pontificating about why Vince is there.

Vince in the back to announce the new General Manager. They get right to it and he’s name…wait, he’s not naming the new GM. He’s letting someone else name the GM. His hair is looking really ridiculous. Someone gave Vince an offer he can’t refuse. Vince McMahon’s announcement is…dramatic pause…he is selling Monday Night RAW? Oh just kill me now. What did I say about the stupidity of this show? And he’s doing it after the match. Vince is now sounding all dramatic about…this person…that there’s no chance in hell he’d sell it to him. You know, like his catch phrase. Does anyone in the world actually believe for a second Vince would sell his show? Can he even sell his own show? Seriously, how the hell does any of this make sense? At least with a GM you can have a fake figurehead. We all know Vince is the President and Linda is the CEO. Further, there’s no one that could be really surprising. We’ve already seen Paul Heyman and Eric Bischoff run a WWE brand. We’ve seen Flair and Foley own part of the company. Short of Vince pulling out Jeff Jarrett, I have no clue what’s gonna make us go WOW.

Commercial.

Cole is using his “serious” voice and we see the announcement we just saw three minutes earlier. This show must be popular with senior citizens because they are treating us like we’re Alzhemiers patients. Lawler just said that this is the most shocking news of his tenure. Really? Really? Aside from all of the “real” horrible stuff that’s happened in the WWE since 1993 like the death of Owen Hart, the death of Eddie Guerrerro, the death of Chris Benoit, the death of Brian Pillman and the storyline stuff like the appearance of Eric Bischoff, the return of the n.W.o., the return of X-Pac, the purchase of WCW and Mae Young giving birth to a hand…no, no, Vince fake selling the show is the most shocking thing ever. No hyperbole there.

Here comes the ECW Title match. And now Tony Chimmel is announcing this, even though Justin Roberts is the ECW announcer. Christian in his sleeveless t-shirt is coming down to the ring. He looks even skinnier without sleeves. If Christian’s a Wellness violator, it must be that he’s on diet pills. And, for the first time in a long time, HERE COMES THE ECW CHAMPION TOMMY DREAMER. I’m excited for Tommy as champion not as some delusional ECW mark but because its just awesome to see a guy who actually worked his ass off in the WWE and got a happy ending.

Christian and Dreamer lock up on RAW for the ECW Title. I love Striker and Matthews on commentary. Actually, I love Striker as a color guy (considering I called it two years ago) and can tolerate Josh Matthews. The match itself is kinda secondary right now but its interesting that Striker brings up that no one has won a major title in Charlotte in a decade. That’s an interesting fact. On the bottom lefthand corner we see 10 minutes until the WWE Title match. Now explain this one to me, how the hell can they predict that this match will end in 10 minutes? I thought this is all real and this match could go for hours? Oh well, if they’re gonna disrespect a title, might as well be the ECW Title.

Christian’s now going for the Killswitch, but Tommy turns it into a small package and…wins? Hmm…odd. First off, it was awesome when Christian went for the Killswitch and Josh Matthews squeeked “Killswitch!” like an eight year old. I hope WWE Mobile makes that noise a ringtone. Dreamer is still celebrating in the ring. That was a crazy-short match and made Christian sure look like a chump. Guess Christian really was a Wellness Policy violator. Damn you, diet pills! Damn you!

Here’s the fatal fourway twister graphic.

Commercial. Sneak preview of “Year One”. I don’t get how Harold Ramis, the man who did “Groundhog Day”, one of the funniest movies ever, could have made that.

We get a “Don’t Try This at Home” promo. Hey. A new one. I miss “bodies have been bruised!”

The Bella Twins and Kelly Kelly are in the back in a lot of yellow as they are pretending to talk about who bought RAW. Even they don’t seem fooled. If you can’t fool them, who can you fool?

We AGAIN see the video package from what happened last week. You know, there’s insulting your audience and then there’s this. We now get a shot of Batista having surgery done on his arm. Lovely. I’m hungry now. It looks like shawarma.

Lillian Garcia is now in the ring sucking the fun out of life. Randy Orton comes out first. Well, Lawler’s called Randy “viper” about ten times, so I guess we better get used to this as his new nickname. Michael Cole just asked if Randy is “invincible”. No, Cole, he isn’t. What a stupid question to ask. Ah, he’s using it for what my fiancé called a “shameless plug” for the WWE Magazine. Cole didn’t used to suck this much.

Speaking of suck, here comes The Big Show. Bare in mind he’s the guy I called to win the belt, but that was before we found out about the “shocking” news of Vince selling RAW. He sold RAW for oceanside property in Nebraska.

Cena’s out next. The crowd is going apeshit for him in Flair Country. Frankly, the guy deserves it. I say it all the time but John Cena deserves the Hulk Hogan push way more than Hogan did.

Finally, here comes The Game. You know, the WWE could have saved his in-ring return for The Bash and sold more buys. Oh well. “For the first time since being punted in the head…Triple H is in action.” Seriously Cole, you’re getting into Schiavone territory. Why is Hunter posing? Just go in the ring and beat the hell out of Randy Orton. Or hey, Randy, while Hunter’s posing with the water bottle like he’s done for like a thousand years, why not jump him?

Oh good, Lillian Garcia is going to announce everyone again one at a time. I like that they do this before title matches, but do we need to highlight the annoying Lillian Garcia like this. And why the hell is she wearing what looks like a potato sack? Wow, Hunter’s pop really sucked. How soon until he demands to be turned again?

Cole is now AGAIN explaining that Batista was taken out last week. For the thousandth time. Show and Cena go after each other as Hunter and Orton battle outside by the announce tables. Orton gets knocked into the crowd as Show just launched Cena. Now its show and Hunter in a great face-off. Here’s something we haven’t seen in quite a while. This should be a great showdow…wait…commercial.

We’re back and AGAIN Cole is mystified as to the fact that the guys that hate each other are going after each other. Why the hell is he so shocked about that? Remember how Orton beat the crap out of Hunter’s wife and kissed her? Why wouldn’t Hunter go after him? And remember the suckfest of the feud between Show and Cena you’ve hyped? We’re now entering the 9:00 hour and just as the copyright appeared in the bottom corner, we see only Cena and Hunter in the ring going at it. The two of them try to give it a big match feel but the crowd doesn’t bite. Cena’s dominating Hunter and is going for the “You can’t see me” but the crowd just buries it. Hunter hits a spinebuster instead and the crowd doesn’t buy that either. Cena turns it into the FU but Big Show clotheslines both of them. Now we’re back to the SHOCKING paring of Cena/Show and Hunter/Orton. By the way, in the past three minutes we’ve been reminded twice that Vince made a shocking announcement earlier. And now Lawler is AGAIN reminding us that Batista was injured by Orton and that is why this match happened. Now even Alzheimer’s patients are getting pissed.

Show just chased Orton out of the ring and is going to try and chokeslam Cena and Hunter. Does that spot ever work?! Hunter and Cena do the same spot that Dave and John did at Staples Center. Big Show countered the “punt” by grabbing the foot. Or, you know, he could have just moved.

Lawler AGAIN comments about how we’re getting a new owner. Seriously, this has moved on from amusingly stupid to downright embarrassing. Big Show is going to the second rope to splash Cena and he actually hit it. “Cena’s been squashed!” There’s a sentence you never thought you’d hear. Show just speared Hunter! Athleticism and motivation from Show? He must be getting the gold. Wait, nevermind, he’s going for the splash again. I’m sure Hunter will move and…he does. Stunning. Orton just “slithered” into the ring…like a viper. Just club it into our heads. Hunter hit the Pedigree and now is about to eat the FU. Cena goes for the pin on Show but Show kicked out. Lawler is now screaming “What a match!” when it really has been kinda lackluster. Cena hits a great FU on Show but Orton attacked him. Orton just hits the RKO and he’s won the gold. Alright, then I guess Flair’s the new owner of RAW.

Randy Orton is a five time WWE champion. At least it took a Pedigree, an FU and an RKO to keep Show down. Randy is holding the gold. Hey Lawler, stop talking about what happened and remind us again that the show was sold. I dare ya!

We get a replay of the finish where everyone hit a finisher on everyone, kinda like the end of a 4th of July fireworks display. Cena looks pissed and Hunter is just seething and frozen. Why? Go run after him! You’re not paralyzed! The title doesn’t give Orton a forcefield around him! Go beat the crap outta him!

Mr. McMahon is McWalking in the back. What a dramatic moment…NEXT. Wait, Lawler, why is he coming out to the ring?

Commercial.

ECW Promo for tomorrow. Bourne/Henry. Again. Eh, it’s not too bad.

We get yet another replay of the finish of the match. You know, it might be a three hour show, but by night’s end we’ll have had one hour of original programming followed by two hours of replays and then talking about replays and then a replay of Cole talking about the replay.

Here comes Vince. “We have a new WWE Champion…and we have a new owner! I’m in shock!” Seriously Lawler, unless you’re the mysterious owner, why the hell are you THIS into it. Some fans do the haphazard bowing for Vince, but most of the fans are just sad for him. With all this hype, this better be HUGE. If it’s Stephanie or Shane or Flair then it isn’t shocking.

Vince has been soul searching and has talked to his inner circle and at this stage he’s made the right decision to sell RAW. Yeah, not in 2000 when the show was at its peak. Oh good, he’s selling it to someone he has had prior dealings with. Is it Billionaire Ted? Not Turner but the guy who played Turner.

It’s…Donald Trump?! Donald Trump?! Are you freaking kidding me? On top of that, Donald did a pretape?! The audience is dead silent. This is shocking on a stupid, stupid level. Vince is trying to cut a promo on the pretape and sounds like a fool. This is sloppy and stupid as hell. I really hope this bites him in his ass. Donald’s first move is an unheard of move. Next week’s RAW is commercial free, which is actually a cool move. The stupidity of this pretape nonsense is making me want to hurt myself. Oh good, Donald’s gonna be there live next week. How the hell didn’t they get him to do this live? This is embarrassing. I hope the WWE Production Team can fix this.

Vince is delivering a farewell address next week and tonight Vince is still in charge. Before we go off the air, we find out who he’s facing at The Bash. There’s a 10-man over the top rope battle royal. Will they elevate MVP, maybe?

Vince actually takes us to Commercial. So we didn’t get a new GM? Or is Trump the GM and the Owner? What the hell is going on? Seriously…SERIOUSLY?!

We now get a replay of Trump’s commercial-free announcement. Eh, I don’t care, I watch this on DVR.

Now Cole and Lawler are talking about this in the “super cereal” voices again. This now leads to Mickie James coming out in the standard jaunty cap. From stupidity to stupidity.

Mickie’s entrance leads to a WWE Rewind. They are showing the Diva battle royal that Kelly won. Forgot all about that. And Rosa Mendes is going to have her first match on RAW on her own. Rosa does her own stripper-y entrance thing. Eh, it’s been done. Maryse is coming out for some reason. Lawler just called Rosa Mendes Eva Mendes. Bravo. Even better, Cole just used the world scuttlebutt. Why the hell did they bother bringing the Smackdown crew if they only get two matches and we get this Diva nonsense. Hmm…Rosa hits a nice neckbreaker. Maybe she learned enough to not suck. Speaking of suck, Lawler is now talking again about the new owner, Donald Trump. Now passing judgment early is obviously too premature, but come on! Trump doesn’t have the time to appear live every week. His involvement will only court scorn and ridicule from the mainstream media. Its going to overshadow everything else on RAW. Mickie and Rosa are having a decent little match, but no one is paying attention. The Trump thing has just murdered this audience. They were expecting Flair and instead they got Trump. Mickie gets the win with a DDT and Maryse is storming off. Mickie invites her in the ring and Maryse…takes her up on it? No, she just gets on the apron to flip her hair. So now we get to hear Maryse’s must twice tonight. Huzzah. Bleh.

Cole is hyping the battle royal and thankfully we have a graphic ready. MVP, Kofi, Regal, Teddy, Cody, Hunter, Cena, Show, Hardy and Miz. This is kinda close to what I talked about above.

Commercial.

We’re back with Hornswaggle and Goldust and a t-shirt gun. One Rhodes kid is in the main event and the other one is shooting clothing at hillbillies with an Irish midget. Miz’s music hits. He’s still rocking his anti-Cena shirt and looking more and more like a big time player. I don’t get why they want to put Miz in the same ring as the freakshows since he’s trying to be perceived as a true main event guy. Miz has a message for Trump. Super. Miz just called himself the new face of the Trump owned RAW. Cena is the face of the past. Miz is the wave of the future…like Lisa Simpson (there’s your obscure reference for the week). Miz talks about how he left Cena unconscious in the ring. Wow, I hope Miz eliminates Cena tonight. That would be…awesome. Get it? Like his catchphrase. Miz wants it all, like Veruca Salt. Best moment of the night, nay the year, was Miz interrupting his promo to just yell at Goldust and Hornswaggle “Why are you two still in the ring?” Goldust just referenced Ahmed Johnson on TV. Wow. Goldust is still good on the stick. Hehehe. Goldust tells him to change his name to the Wiz because everyone goes to pee when he shows up. Miz is now calling out Goldust, saying this is his fifth go-around in the company. Goldust in 1999 was funny, but Goldust in 2009 is irrelevant. Sad but true. So now Goldust is Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Unlike Cena, Miz isn’t afraid to take risks. His risk? Attacking Goldust. Wow, edgy. Hornswaggle gets laid out. Oh sweet merciful crap, Miz is teasing shooting Hornswaggle with the t-shirt gun. Do it and you will be legendary. He did it! Awesome! Midgets getting shot with t-shirt guns! Who the hell needs actual wrestling when you can watch a Real World cast member assault a midget with an air-powered t-shirt. Wasn’t that how Maude Flanders was killed?

Commercial.

We’re back with still shots from Extreme Rules. Silly me, I thought for a minute the World Title would main event the show. Punk’s in the back and gets booed. Josh Matthews appears like a vampire in “True Blood” to interview the champ. Punk has Misawa written on his wrist, which is fantastic. Punk talks about how he got a Slammy for doing the same thing this year to Hardy that he did to Edge last year. Punk continues to make sense, which means he’ll be a heel soon enough. He calls the booers the vocal minority. Matt Hardy shows up to congratulate him. What a nice bit of continuity. Punk points out that Hardy hasn’t won MITB or been a World Champion and that Hardy is a bitch but Punk earned it. This version of CM Punk is awesome.

Todd Grisham and Bored Jim Ross are ringside talking about Edge’s controversial, classless and crude comments concerning certain calamitous couples coming to culmination commences. Justin Roberts is in the ring announcing the World Heavyweight Championship and I quit.

Edge is out first, and frankly I miss his giant coat. Odd “Got Divorced?” sign in the crowd. Was the fan trying to reference the outdated Milk add or is he one of those fans who forgot what happened on Smackdown, thus necessitating the incessant replays?

Hardy’s next to a decent pop. He’s rocking the odd facepaint, which looks less warrior-like and more like an Oreo cookie. Todd says that there isn’t any doubt who’s the favorite here, but I thought the point of the Punk storyline was that there was no clear favorite. Ah, Todd, pay attention. “It’s a…uh…three man match…”

Commercial. Wow, a promo for Raw Presented by Donald Trump. Why the hell is Trump yelling? By the way, since the announcement just happened moments ago, kudos to the production staff for turning out the commercial. Because Trump’s announcement was live and definitely not a pretape. Definitely not. Nope. Not at all.

ECW Promo #2. Was Tommy Dreamer successful against Christian? Tune in to find out…unless you actually watched the match earlier tonight. Did anyone actually forget?

Here comes Punk! “It’s clobberin’ time!” His music is too loud for anyone to hear his reaction. “Beating Hardy broke Jeff’s heart, but not his spirit.” What’s the difference? So Hardy’s a pussy but he’s a pussy with courage. Jeff gets a decent pop from his “hometown” fans. Edge gets a nice amount of boos. Punk gets mostly boos but looks defiant. You know, this version of Punk kinda reminds me of Diesel when he turned heel before leaving the company, where he said you can boo or cheer but he’ll stay loyal to his fans.

The match is on as Referee (who is definitely not an Armstrong because refs don’t have a name) does overly dramatic hand waving to signal for the bell. The three combatants go at one another and it culminates with Punk hitting a suicide dive on Edge outside the ring. Jim Ross is questioning why he goes for a high risk move so early, and as he says that Jeff comes diving onto both guys. Notice JR doesn’t bury Hardy. “I’ll trump your kings with my aces,” says Jim Ross. I think it was JR. It was either Jim Ross or Norman Chad. JR is now talking about RAW being sold as Punk takes control of Oreo Hardy.

Most unintentionally funny line of the night was JR saying that Trump knows how to run successful businesses. So we’ll overlook the multiple filings of bankruptcy. Then again Vince thought the WBF, the XFL and Lex Luger would work, so six of one, half dozen the other. JR says that Punk cashing in the suitcase was brilliant as Edge sets Punk up on the top rope. Jeff now takes over, throws Edge off and goes for a suplex. Wait, Punk goes for the Doomsday Device but Hardy avoids it by rolling up Edge. Inventive. All three guys clothesline each other as we go to commercial.

Commercial.

We’re back as Punk tries to pin Edge or Jeff Hardy. Oh good, the breaking news thing is back on the bottom to AGAIN remind us that Donald Trump owns RAW. On a night where there are no other major sporting events, what fans do they think are flipping in now? Edge has a sharpshooter on Punk but Hardy gets a sleeper on Edge. Edge breaks the hold but might have gotten choked out. Punk breaks it up. Well this is already better than the four-way earlier, which isn’t a shock. Smackdown is completely stealing the show from RAW, which means Trump should ask for a draft next week and steal any talent left on Friday Nights.

Jeff is now in control on both guys but the audience is still dead. These people expected to see Flair and instead got a video of Trump. That sucks because this match deserves more from the fans. We are getting some inventive triple threat moves. Hardy goes for the Swanton but Edge pushes him off. Edge is going for the spear but eats a great slam. All three guys are down. Well, Punk should win this because he’s the only guy in the ring without a Wellness Violation. Edge speared the crap outta Jeff Hardy but it took all the energy out of him. Jeff is nearly dead but Punk breaks up the pin. Punk goes for forearms and does the running knee but gets dumped over the top rope and hits his knee on the stairs. Oh crap. I hope he’s pretending to sneak in and win. If they’re gonna rob him of the title again on fake injury I’m gonna be pissed. Edge and Jeff knock heads in a midair collision. Please don’t let Punk’s title reign end this early. There is way too much potential.

Now we’re down to Edge and Hardy, though JR saying that “we’ll crown a new champion” guarantees that Punk will retain. Punk runs in to break up the count and Jeff kicks the hell out of Punk’s knee. Edge rolls up Jeff for 2. Jeff hits the Twist of Fate. Now why not go for the pin there? It’s a valid finishing move. If you don’t believe me, play Smackdown v. Raw. Jeff hits the Swanton but Punk pulls him out of the ring and drives him into the steel. Punk goes in and pins Edge to retain. I love how the WWE is playing this, by having Punk do things that make sense but it still keeps pushing him further and further heel. Brilliant stuff.

Teddy Long puts down the bong long enough to come out to the ring. Punk’s title match is one-on-one with…Jeff Hardy. “Jeff Hardy does get an opportunity!” What the hell was the match we just watched then? Wasn’t that a shot at the belt? Didn’t Punk just win clean?

Oh good, we get Lawler and Cole again talking about Trump buying RAW. What? RAW got sold? Wow! That’s stunning. And we have a new WWE Champion because Batista was injured? Amazing. These are all new facts to me. My fiancé, who is sitting next to me on her computer not really paying attention has noticed that Cole and Lawler are being repetitive to the point of stupidity.

Commercial.

We’re back with Priceless doing commentary. Cody is rocking the Christian sleeveless look. Ah, I love hearing that Hart whistle. Here comes The Hart Dynasty. Kinda cool seeing them on RAW. Teddy on commentary seems like it could work. I’m guessing they’re fighting the Annoying Colons. Yep, here they come. I still can’t stand them. I wish the WWE would get Unified Tag Belts. Apparently the Annoying Colons are fighting Priceless at The Bash. Oh great, Cody just told Cole and Lawler to shut the hell up. I’m already a fan of them. DH Smith looks solid, which means he could be a Wellness Victim. Primo goes for a hurricarana and gets dropped on his head. Yeah, that’s not a good thing. Teddy is continuing to bury Cole. Cole repeats that they are in a 10-man battle royal and Rhodes points out that Cole’s said it a thousand times.

Carlito comes in and dropkicks DH Smith. Carlito hits a springboard elbow but Kidd breaks up the pin. Cole asks Priceless who in the battle royal they are going after and they say that if you don’t know who they’re after then you’re a moron. Touché. Priceless then runs in and beats down the Annoying Colons. They bury Cole and beat the hell out of the tag champs? I think they went up a few points in my book. Not shooting a midget big, but big.

Commercial.

We replay again the Trump nonsense. Santino is now in the back with Vince McMahon. Ah, smell the comedy. Santino wants to make sure he has a job for himself and Santina. Vince, in a dapper blue blazer and brown slacks, points out that Trump might like Santina. Vince’s phone rings with the Mr. McMahon theme ringtone and he’s talking to Trump on the phone. Trump is making an announcement after the battle royal. Seriously? Oh, Trump wants impact. Was that impact or Impact? Because the way some of this stuff has gone tonight, you’d swear you were watching Impact. Vince says if there’s one thing he hates it’s a billionaire with a massive ego, so Santino says that he should hate himself. The stammering is mildly amusing, like an Italian Newhart. “You’re 70…er 60…not a day over 60…you’re older than me.” Santino actually made me smile.

Just want to point out that AGAIN Priceless doesn’t get an introduction. Poor guys. MVP’s next. MVP’s rocking an AIG soccer jersey. Hehehehe…classic. Matt Hardy’s out next with his cast. Hardy was punked out by the world champ earlier. Aha. William Regal’s coming out. “William Regal would love to win the battle royal tonight.” Well no kidding Cole. Kofi Kingston is out and someone actually had a Kofi sign. I bet someone in the production truck made that sign. Miz next and Cole said “he angers people and puts them in a bad mood.” To quote second grade, Cole, takes one to know one. We show Miz hitting Show and Cena with chairs and…here…comes…The Big Show.

Commercial.

We now come back to JR and Todd who have breaking news that we’ll see Jeff Hardy versus Chris Jericho and CM Punk versus Rey Mysterio…but the graphic says Hardy/Edge instead. Hmm…do you think Edge got busted with another Wellness Violation and his jobbing here tonight was his last appearance for a while? The WWE doesn’t make screw-ups like this. Guess they really were too busy making that Kofi Kingston sign.

Here comes Hunter coming out to the vastly superior “Bow Down” song. He tosses the bottle of water to the crowd. Do you think it was a new bottle of water or the same one? Times are tough. Speaking of tough, no one is tougher than John Cena (see, anyone can do lame Michael Cole transitions). I don’t know about you all, but I’m rooting for William Regal.

To be honest, this might be t he time to let MVP headline a PPV. What does the WWE have to lose? The Bash is in two weeks, its not like its going to do massive numbers. Orton is now out to watch the match, because apparently everyone in the back is watching whatever the hell else is on that is so good that we need to constantly show people what happened on the show that no one is actually watching.

Everyone is kinda standing around without lookling like they’re standing around. Priceless is attacking Hunter, Cena and Show are going at it, Regal and Kofi, MVP and Matt…well, these people all have personal issues with one another! How about that, Cole? I feel bad for picking on Cole because I know it has a lot to do with Vince, but this is getting ridiculous. Miz and Hardy try to eliminate Cena but Show stops them so he can do it himself.

No one has been eliminatd yet and there’s yet to be anything of any true excitement. Speaking of dull, Show is now clobbering everyone and Show eliminates Hardy “with ease”. Yeah, you wanna make him look bad. And MVP gets dumped. Miz goes out of the ring and everyone else teams up to eliminate Show.

Commercial.

We’re back and the commercial break failed to eliminate anyone. Hunter and Regal are going at it as Priceless locks up with Cena and Kofi. Are the announcers talking about this? Nope. They’re talking about the “shocking” announcement. If I had a dollar for every time they said shocking, I’d have my student loans paid off. Priceless again attacks Hunter, and still somehow two fresh men cannot eliminate one guy who’s been out of action for months and already competed once tonight. Are you kidding me?!

Well the only two guys left in the match who are viable candidates are Hunter and Cena, along with cannon fodder. This is the most boring battle royal in a long time, and I’m including the Diva battle royal from last month. It’s like watching people wrestle in molasses. Cena again stares down Hunter and again the crowd could give a damn. Cena and Hunter are hammering each other and Hunter botches a slam attempt. Rhodes is trying to eliminate both guys and they screw it up. Cena tries to FU Hunter but they end in a double clotheline. Kofi now outsmarts Legacy, thus making them less a formidable team and more the Keystone Kops. Priceless finally eliminates Kofi and Regal jumps both men. Priceless eliminates him. We’re down to four. Two dull picks and two interesting wrinkles.

Priceless charge Hunter and Cena and actually don’t look like complete bitches. Priceless hammer Hunter as Cole explains the rules of this match for some reason. Really? Both feet need to hit the floor? Because I saw six guys get eliminated and I have no clue how they got tossed.

Cena dumps Ted and Hunter dumps Cody and Orton again pulls the “Shake harder”. Hunter Pedigrees Cena but Legacy runs in and attacks Hunter. Lawler says this is illegal but there’s no disqualification. Refs pull them outta the ring and Lawler says they should be suspended. Not because they broke Batista’s arm but because they ran in.

Miz pops up from under the ring because he was never eliminated. He’s stalking both men. He’s revving up to charge, which means they’ll dump him and they do and now Hunter dumps Cena and Hunter wins.

Hunter v. Orton at The Bash. “Randy Orton’s worst nightmare has emerged on RAW.” On the RAW he won the title. Why is this his worst nightmare? Trump, with all the insincerity he can muster in a pretape, says that we’re getting Triple H versus Randy Orton next week instead of at The Bash. Is The Bash a real PPV or are they just jerking us around? Next week we get a last man standing match. I’m glad we’ll get a guaranteed winner but I’m scared for The Bash’s buyrate.

Eh, what do I care, I’ve got studying to do.

This has been for your consideration.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,