From the UK Retro: Smackdown Report from Octover 7th 2005

hey guys. Sorry for the lack of column this week but I had some shows over the weekend and just couldn’t get round to writing something so I decided to look into my archives and post some “classic” Fitzgerald. Lame I know but at least it’s something and you newbies can see what I was like back in the day

Your hosts are Tazz and Cole

We are in Texas

We start of with Teddy and Recyclus in the ring. Teddy says the Raw match will happen tonight. Wow I had “no” idea that was coming. Recyclus says the network were thrilled with Smackdown attacking Raw. Teddy says Smackdown got embarrassed and challenges Raw to come to No Mercy. He is interrupted by the Ortons w/ nWo rip off shirt and cowboy hat. Randy says he was the main man last Raw and he tells Teddy and Recyclus to leave. Teddy is ready to stay but Recyclus drags him back. Randy cuts a promo on Undertaker trying to hype their piece of shit match on Sunday. This turns to discussing killing the legend of Roddy Piper. Even Bob gets some promo time. He does make a good point though as Bob was clearly the Ric Flair to Piper’s HHH back in the day. Piper comes out with a pipe and kills the Ortons with it.

Booker T w/ The Annoying Frog Woman Vs Orlando Boredom
Do I “have” to review this one? The 4 way should be at least watchable thanks to Benoit and Christian. If I hear about Sharmel becoming Miss Black America one more time I’m going to strangle Michael Cole with a tape measure. Anyway feeling out process leads to an OJ elbow for two. Booker chops away at OJ but takes a thumb in the eye. Bodyslam by OJ and an elbow on the mat gets two. Jordan goes to a chin lock but seeing as he isn’t Nailz it doesn’t go anywhere. Booker fights back with some chops but takes a high elbow to the nose and a nice looking from OJ. Out we go as Jordan grabs a chair but takes a boot to the gut. OJ tries to suplex Booker in but Sharmel pulls trips OJ up and Booker lands on top for two.

WINNER – BOOKER T

*1/4 – Booker isn’t too happy about the interference afterwards. Decent enough TV match but it did little to make me want to see the 4 way.

MMMMMMRRRRRRR KENNEDY……………….KENNEDY comes out in a suit. Gonna Rock Gonna Roll Gonna Go Toe to Toe. So Kennedy is facing Hardcore Holly at No Mercy? Nice I can’t wait to see Holly take the Slam Pact. Kennedy will be doing guest commentary for

Sylvain the Evil Effeminate Model Vs Hardcore Holly
Holly’s pop is pretty fucking impressive. Sylvain jumps The Angry Old Man to start and gets a back suplex for two. Kennedy calls Holly “Spark Plug” which probably goes over a lot of the younger guys heads. Holly gets some rough chops and the “I wish I was Jumbo Tsurta” Dropkick. The go outside and Holly gets some chops over by Kennedy. Kennedy gets knocked down and we go inside where Sylvain takes the kick to the gut. Kennedy nails Holly with a mic and Sylvain gets a weird face first suplex thing to win and avenge evil models everywhere.

WINNER – SYLVAIN

*1/2 – at the risk of hate mail I’d like to see Sylvain and Hardcore go into a proper program as I think they have good chemistry together

Josh Matthews interviews Piper. He cuts an incoherent mess masquerading as a promo. I like Piper but I don’t want to see him and Bob Orton wrestling in 2005

LOZ w/ Christy Vs The British Gents
I can highly recommend you pick up William Regal’s book as it is a fantastic read and has some really funny stories in it including Ric Flair getting very angry in a car ride. I hope against hope that Burchill will C4 Animal and end this little LOD comeback but instead Animal dominates him quite easy. Regal comes in and they double team Animal’s arm. Burchill works the arm with nice stuff. Animal makes the lukewarm tag to Heidy and he does the angry Voodoo master comeback. MNM comes out and beats down LOZ and Christy for the DQ

WINNERS – LOZ

I’m not rating this crap. Christy gets Snap Shotted to end the heel beat down as LOZ charge in for the save with chairs. Hopefully this match at No Mercy will lead to MNM getting their belts back. Plus, I can’t believe that they couldn’t have given that more time as it would have been a great opportunity for Regal and Burchill to show off some more of their good mat stuff

Meanwhile the crappy colour guy from velocity pesters Eddie. Eddie says he’s going to the ring. Eddie goes into his 2004 face promo stuff and a lot of the fans aren’t buying it showing that they are much smarter than Vince gives them credit for but we’ve known that for years. Eddie kisses up to Batista and says he has his back and will still be his friend after the match. Batista comes out and is all like “EDDIE” and Eddie is all like “DAVE” Eddie kisses some more behind and gets the crowd cheering for Batista. Batista comes out and shows footage of last week with Eddie’s “accidental” chair shot from last week. Batista grabs a chair and gives it to Eddie and turns his back. You see a smart thing to do here would be for Eddie to just hit him with it but Eddie refuses. Eddie acts all offended at and says he thought Batista was his soul mate. Yeah right. Batista says he wants to believe that Eddie has changed and that he has his eyes on Eddie and will fuck him up if Eddie screws him. Eddie says he will prove that he is a changed man at No Mercy. I still don’t know what will happen here with this. I’m guessing Eddie will do something either tonight or at No Mercy to show he’s still a heel and Batista will be expecting it. So far Batista has been something like one step ahead of Eddie and I don’t know whether we are supposed to think that Batista is wise to Eddie but is stringing him along or whether he’s stupid and believes in Eddie.

Special Handicap Match where one member of both team must be a washed up old guy
Randy and Cowboy Bob Orton Vs Rowdy Roddy Piper
Piper gets the advantage over Randy to start and bites and punches. Bob comes in and gets some shots and the old guys start hitting each other. If this was Japan they’d do this as a comedy match. Orton gets a dropkick and some choking. Orton stays on Piper and the crowd isn’t too enthused by it. Bob comes in to finish Piper off but Undertaker does his gong shit and the lights go all weird because Roddy Piper needs protecting. Piper gets a fluke roll up on Cowboy Bob for the win.

WINNER – RODDY PIPER

That was such a fucking waste of time and why put Piper over? Some druids come out with a casket and I have no fucking interest in it whatsoever. I HATE this feud and I want to END. I’m sick of this shit every sing week. There’s wax dummies of the Ortons in the casket. Yeah sure NOW I’m going to buy this pay per view. Get me my check book post haste!

Bobby “I’m Built Like A Brick Shithouse” Lashley Vs jobber victim
I am sick of people saying WWE “stole” this idea from TNA. Like there’s some rule saying TNA is the only place where you can have big black guys? What about Tony Atlas or Ahmed Johnson? Simon Dean comes out and says that he has a broken hand so he’s lost his strength advantage for No Mercy. Simon does some squats outside so Lashley gets the jobber in a firemans carry and squats. That’s a preety cool visiual spot. Big Black Dominator gets the win. Lashley reminds me of a big black Taz what with all the suplexes

NO MERCY CARD
WORLD TITLE MATCH
JBL/REY
TAKER/ORTONS
KENNEDY/HOLLY
US TITLE 4 WAY
LASHLEY/DEAN
6 PERSON INTERGENDER MATCH

That is a pretty sorry looking card for a pay per view. The main should be good but the rest is either filler or stupid gimmick stuff. The only other matches that look like they might be good are the 4 way and JBL/Rey. Lashley will squash Dean, Kennedy will kill Holly, the 6 person match will suck and Taker/Ortons is my pick for worst match of the year and I’ve not even seen it yet. I don’t know whether I’ll get it. It depends whether I have anything better to do. I might save my money and get the Ultimate Warrior DVD and review for all you fine folk

Eddie, Christian and JBL Vs Batista, Rey Mysterio and Chris Fucking Benoit
They cut a commercial and when we come back Benoit and Christian are going at it. Benoit hammers Christian and goes for a crossface but Christian makes the ropes and tags in Eddie. Oh yeah now you’re talking. Lock up and they work over the arm and do some nice technical stuff. Test of strength leads to some head butting. Eddie somehow gets a head scissors from the test of strength. Cool. Benoit goes to the hammerlock as Eddie flips out and here comes Batista. Eddie goes to the leg but Batista powers him away. Eddie gets a waist lock but Batista powers out and gets a press slam. Eddie has had enough and tags in JBL. JBL asks for Rey and Rey comes in. JBL hammers away so Rey goes to the leg and gets a throwback for two. Rey gets knocked off the apron as we go to a commercial

Commercial

We’re back with Christian getting a cool looking back breaker and the abdominal stretch. Fans get behind Rey as he fights out but misses the springboard cross body. JBL comes in and continues the beating. JBL does some choking and gets a float over suplex for two. Eddie comes in and gets an elbow to the jaw and a bulldog. Nice bit there as Rey still has the advantage over Eddie from their feud. Rey hot tags Batista and it actually is a hot tag for once. Eddie pulls JBL outside and Batista Demon Busters Christian for the win

WINNERS – BATISTA, REY AND BENOIT

*** – Really good TV main event with a receptive crowd and good work from all 6 guys. After the match Christian and JBL jump Eddie so Batista makes the save. Eddie has a big grin on his face. I’m actually enjoying this feud now and I think the match at No Mercy will be good. I think my desire to see that match will impact whether I purchase the show.