For Your Considerationâ€¦RAW Bash(ing)
Well, the Bash is in the books, RAW is live and Iâ€™m here to do whatever the hell it is here I do. Thanks for reading, and as always, you can follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/awheeler316.
Before I get into the whole RAW thing, there are a few quick things I want to touch on. First, there were some folks last week who were kind enough to point out some errors in my column. The most egregious, in my opinion, was confusing Bischoffâ€™s column with Heymanâ€™s column. Mixing up Paul Heyman and Eric Bischoff is like mixing up a glass of Coke with hydrochloric acid. I had read both guyâ€™s columns and I remembered one of them mentioning that Triple Hâ€™s entrance was stale, and in the heat of typing I put the wrong name down. Whoops. If that mistake in any way lead you to enjoy the column any less, or worse send you into serious histrionics, then I apologize (I also suggest you seek help).
My second mistake was that I typed Yoko instead of Vader when talking about my fat guy splashes. This, I assure you, was more of a mental slip-up and not an attempt to claim that Yokozuna was athletic enough to fall the way Vader did. After all, do you think Yoko could have pulled off those amazing trampoline promos that Big Van Vader did? I think not. As Pulse writer (and apparently Examiner writer as well) Pulse Glazer pointed out, I do write these blogs in real time, and in an effort to get them posted as soon as RAW is over, my proofreading time is non-existent. Think of it as watching SNL; if I mess up, it happens live.
Lastly, there was someone who was all up in arms about my calling Mick Foleyâ€™s leaving of the WWE a â€œjackass moveâ€. He (or she, I donâ€™t discriminate) couldnâ€™t believe I would ever say that Mick Foley leaving was a jackass move. Well, itâ€™s my fault that I didnâ€™t quantify my argument. You see, in my personal opinion, that of a fan and not as a current WWE employee, is that Mick Foley going to TNA was a negative move. In fact, I thought it was slightly more than negative and bordered on absolutely insulting.
I have said many times that I am a Mick Foley fan. I own his three books, Iâ€™ve seen him wrestle several times and I have even had the pleasure of meeting him once or twice. My umbrage with him leaving the WWE is that it didnâ€™t need to happen. Mick Foley seemed to be one of the few guys who got a blank check from Vince McMahon. When Foley wanted to retire, he got one hell of a retirement match. Mick Foley got the chance to put over a guy and â€œmakeâ€ a superstar in his last official match. Mickâ€™s retirement, outside of Flairâ€™s, is one of the most legitimate retirements ever. Sure, Foley wrestled at least a dozen matches since he walked away from the ring, but he never returned as an active competitor. That was the brilliance of his retirement.
Mick got to come on WWE television when he wanted to promote his books or to get involved in a heated segment or simply to just remind the fans that he existed. Hell, served as a commissioner, bringing us some of the best bits ever with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian.
Foley had an odd habit of floating in and out of the WWE. The difference was that the door was always open for him. Even in his supposedly â€œnegativeâ€ third book, â€œThe Hardcore Diariesâ€, he talked about how he was able to approach the writing staff and pitch them his ideas. Vince McMahon, the guy who made Mick a champion when no one else would, had a soft spot in his heart for a superstar that by all rights should never have been one. Vince made money off of a guy with a physique that rivals most of the audience, and because of that, their love-dislike relationship has always been a profitable one.
Mick Foleyâ€™s stint on commentary was entertaining. He was by no means JBL entertaining, but he really seemed to have the passion that a commentator needs. Sadly, Foley had that naÃ¯ve idea that a commentator was supposed to give colorful comments about the match instead of â€œtell the story.â€ Whether Vinceâ€™s ideas are right or wrong when it comes to commentary, itâ€™s his sandbox.
I donâ€™t really fault Mick for leaving, because he wasnâ€™t necessarily happy as a commentator. The door was open for him to return to the WWE at any point in time, and Iâ€™m sure collecting those â€œLegendsâ€ contracts in exchange for letting them use his likeness wasnâ€™t too bad.
Foley had this noble idea to go to TNA and try and save the company. He wanted to ensure that there was a viable second option in wrestling, and much like he did with ROH, he wanted to lend his credibility to a promotion. While I was opposed to him going to TNA for personal reasons, I could understand why he was doing it.
My personal frustration stems from the fact that now, until Mick ultimately leaves TNA, Vince is going to play the â€œMick never existedâ€ game. I hate that. Itâ€™s the same reason I hate that Kurt Angle is in TNA. Imagine if Angle were still in the WWE and we could actually get a Kurt DVD retrospective. Same goes for Foley. Now his inevitable Hall of Fame induction is pushed back a few more years. He isnâ€™t going to get his own month on WWE 24/7 (I refuse to call it â€œClassics on Demandâ€ because 24/7 was a cooler name). Worst of all, Mick Foley isnâ€™t going to be on WWE television for a while.
Fine. I can get over the fact that Mick is in TNA. But what pissed me off to no end and what sent me hurtling towards the â€œjackassâ€ label was the fact that Mick essentially returned to full-time in-ring competition. Mick Foley became the TNA Champion. He not only threw more dirt on his â€œretirementâ€, but he did the one thing none of us wanted to see, he made one more â€œrun at the top.â€ Mick Foleyâ€™s TNA Championship run didnâ€™t put over a young guy. He didnâ€™t pass the torch to Styles or even Joe, but rather his title reign came to an inauspicious end in a convoluted match that put over Kurt Angle. Hell, his build-up to the PPV was revolving around him and Jeff Jarrett. Mick Foley left the WWE and tarnished his reputation to go to TNA and help elevateâ€¦no one.
Right or wrong, thatâ€™s why I call him a jackass.
Alright, finished that just in time for RAW.
Yes sir, we promised you a great main event here tonight. We lied and gave you Triple H/Orton in Three Stages of Shelp, but we promised.
Opening shot of the arena, which means a Vince interview or an Orton promo. Sure enough, the soon to be future endeavored Lillian Garcia introduces Vince. Vince is swaggering to the ring and isnâ€™t wearing a tie. Heâ€™s dressed like â€œThe Most Interesting Man in the Worldâ€ for some reason.
Vince is now reminding us again that Donald Trump is out of the picture. Vince is somehow still playing the heel/face mix role. CM Punk he ainâ€™t. Vince said heâ€™s giving the morons their money back, but plays the â€œcanâ€ and â€œwillâ€ game. Tonightâ€™s RAW is brought to you by Strunk and White.
Trump apparently also did a 15-Man trade. Wait, what? Vince is also keeping the weekly guest host nonsense. VKM is shaking things up and making the guest host tonightâ€¦Batista. So now Batista is playing the old Kurt Angle GM slot.
Big Dave looks dapper in his suit and arm cast. Wow, the man might suck in all of his in-ring returns, but he can sure wear that suit. Michael Cole again explains why Batista is wearing an arm cast. Your General Manager looks like heâ€™s part Terminator. Not because he canâ€™t talk and is jacked up on roids, but because of the bionic arm. Come on people, Iâ€™m not THAT tasteless.
The music stops Dave seems to kill the crowd with his lack of enthusiasm. Why the hell is there no GM on RAW? â€œWeâ€™re gonna have a four man Night of Champions tournament.â€ Like I suggested A MONTH AGO. Weâ€™re getting Miz v. Cena and MVP v. Triple H. Hmmâ€¦intriguing. My guess? Somehow we wind up with Miz/MVP final and Cena and Hunter challenge Jericho and Edge. We need a way to get Cena and Hunter on PPV.
Legacy interrupts Big Dave. Why the hell doesnâ€™t Batista just book an Orton versus a tiger match? Orton asks why they wonâ€™t go to the ring and essentially commit homicide? Thatâ€™s assault, brotha. Apparently Dave has the power to fire Orton and Legacy. Why not do it? Seriously, they took his belt and broke his arm. What does it take to get fired in the WWE? I mean aside from be Ken Kennedy.
Dave promises to make their lives a living nightmare. Apparently heâ€™s going to make them re-watch â€œThree Stages of Dullâ€ from last night. Batista, showing some personality, mocks Orton for eating a sledgehammer last night. Batista said RAW got 5 new superstars, which means Smackdown and ECW just got raided. 3-on-1 Gauntlet match. Why do I feel like Ortonâ€™s going to flatten three B-level stars?
So let me get this straight, Vince in the draft stacks all the stars on RAW and essentially leaves Smackdown and ECW bare, yet ECW and Smackdown become the entertaining shows and RAW becomes a lumbering dinosaur. Then, when they manage to get people over, Vince decides to raid those shows again and re-stock the dull RAW? That makes sense.
Next up is Triple H versus MVP, and we know itâ€™s for the Night of Champions title shot because we get the TIE-Fighter graphic.
WWE Rewind is from The Bash, which means we get stills. Remember when they used to hype the PPV still shots as â€œexclusive from WWE magazineâ€? That was cool. The Three Stages of Dull match? Not awesome. I like the fact that they tried to have Hunter use some strategy, but Hunter AGAIN made Orton look like a complete bitch, only for Orton to retain in a fluke.
Triple H comes out to his â€œmildâ€ pop. I still think the best idea was for Hunter to beat Orton, end the silly feud for a bit, and do a Cena/Hunter match at Night of Champions. Now Iâ€™ll stick firmly with the idea that we should get Orton/MVP and see Cena and Hunter do a makeshift team.
The production team dusts off an old KOTR bracket to show us our four-man tourney. Iâ€™m glad MVPâ€™s getting the shot here, and if the company was wise, they would take advantage of his newfound celebrity and put him in the main event. Elevating Porter on this RAW and giving him a shot at a throw-away PPV would be brilliant. Which means weâ€™re getting another Hunter/Orton match.
MVP is going for Hunterâ€™s insanely over-bandaged leg. Seriously, heâ€™s like 1/5th Stay Puft. Wow, Hunter is even selling the legâ€¦for a second. The audience has zero idea how to handle this, which I hope doesnâ€™t lead to a Hunter heel turn. On the plus side, MVPâ€™s offense has made him look a little legit. And as I type that, Lawler says, â€œIf MVP wins, give the assist to Orton.â€ Wow. Itâ€™s almost like they can read what Iâ€™m typing and go out of their way to ensure that anything positive gets killed.
Porter is wrestling a sound strategy of going after the injured leg, which is too much wrestling for a dead crowd. MVP then hits the â€œBallinâ€™â€ Elbow, which apparently got booed. I might claim racism, but that doesnâ€™t exist in wrestling.
MVP blocks a second Pedigree attempt, which makes me thing heâ€™s eating a third one. Yakuza kick in the corner takes down Hunter, goes for the Playmaker, andâ€¦yepâ€¦Hunter reverses it into a Pedigree. So we have a fresh MVP who dominated Hunter, wore down the leg and had Triple H beat, who of course winds up eating a Pedigree out of nowhere. Iâ€™ve always been a Triple H apologist, but this is ridiculous.
So that means our main event tonight will be Hunter/Cena, the exact match I said would be perfect to headline a PPV.
Next up is Team Awesome Canadian Hair versus The Useless Colons.
Since I didnâ€™t really get to do a full-on Bash column, hereâ€™s the long and the short of it. Iâ€™m glad Dreamer kept the ECW Title. Iâ€™m glad Michelle McCool won the Womenâ€™s Title because of my intense dislike for Melina. Iâ€™m glad Mysterio regained the IC Title. I think Dolph Ziggler is poised to be a big-time player in the WWE, probably by taking said IC strap off of the short Latin guy. Iâ€™m thrilled Edge and Jericho won the tag straps because having them on all three shows will only enhance the programs and let the two talented heels dominate the WWE without interfering with Punk. Speaking of Punk, I donâ€™t care how he retained (though I like how it furthered the storyline perfectly) as long as he retained. I figured Cena would mop the floor with Miz, but at least Miz made it on a PPV. Lastly, I think my thoughts on Orton and Hunter have been made clear. In the end, the show was forgettable, aside from Team Jerichedge winning the tag belts.
Chris Jericho is BACK on RAW. Not only that, but heâ€™s draped in gold. Hey Colons, THAT is how you wear two belts and make it look impressive. And here comes Edge. Sure, people are going to gripe that two of the biggest stars in the WWE are above being â€œtag champsâ€, but I will remind you that the next PPV is only title matches and thereâ€™s no way you can have a show without Edge or Jericho.
Oh joy, they have microphones. RAW is so dull that having them on TV is awesome. â€œBy virtue of my massive talent and prodigious abilities, I find myself in front of you hypocrites again.â€ Seriously, tonightâ€™s RAW is all AP English. Edge interrupts Jericho and talks about how they are going to dominate the WWE. Edge proceeds to bury RAW and calls everyone losers. As if on cue, here come the Useless Colons.
Cole is making excuses for the Useless Colons, saying they werenâ€™t expecting a triple threat. What happened to the old Monsoon-ism that a champion can beat anyone anywhere. Ah, I miss Gorilla.
Primo and Jericho are mixing it up, and Primo, not at all playing into Hispanic stereotypes, jumps Edge from behind. The UC double-team Edge and Chris and we go toâ€¦
Ooh, a new Castrol GTX commercial. I honestly donâ€™t know anyone who changes their own oil anymore. Its twenty bucks at most dealerships. Seriously, itâ€™s worth the cost.
I love that the WWE commercials are ALWAYS the same. Weâ€™re getting a Truth commercial, which makes me long for the old Lorillard Tobacco adds. You know, â€œTobacco is wacko if youâ€™re a teen.â€ Who would have thought a tobacco company wouldnâ€™t make persuasive anti-smoking ads? Next thing you know youâ€™re gonna tell me that wrestling is fake.
Weâ€™re back with Jericho choking out Primo. See, that instantly hooks your audience, watching Primo get the stuffing beaten out of him. Iâ€™m not gonna lie, seeing Chris and Edge on RAW makes me think back to the old days before the draft. You know, when Jericho and Edge were midcard fodder and Triple H was dominating every segment of the show. Unlike now. Now is totally different. We now have a lower third ticker. And an E instead of an F. And Cole. Horrible, horrible Cole.
Edge pops in to pound on Primo and then tags Chris back in. Apparently according to Cole, Jerichoâ€™s knee to the face is â€œclassic Jerichoâ€. Carlito, doing the disingenuous face shtick, rallies the fans. He gets tagged in and hits a sloppy dropkick. Who knew Carlito would be in a better team with Chris Masters than with Primo? This is what happens when you stab John Cena I guess.
Carlito hits a second rope springboard and gets a 2 and 99/100ths. Wow, that was insanely close. Edge is in and heâ€™s looking for the spear. Primo pulls down Carlto and thereâ€™s the Backstabber. Jericho thankfully makes the save (saving his team like heâ€™s gonna save us). Primo with a suicide dive onto Chris on the outside, leaving Edge and Carlito. Well, using WWE math, weâ€™ve seen Carlitoâ€™s finish but not Edgeâ€™s, so here comes the Spear.
Edge and Chris win. Not Edge and Christian. Remember, this isnâ€™t the old, plodding RAW. This is the NEW plodding RAW.
We get a replay to show us that it was Primo who got thrown into Carlito which lead to the Spear. Or something. It looked kinda botched. Whatever, the Canadians beat theâ€¦wellâ€¦I know theyâ€™re Hispanic, I just donâ€™t know what kind. Though if Primoâ€™s face is any indication, theyâ€™re angry Hispanics. If they start dancing then I know itâ€™s â€œWest Side Storyâ€.
Next up is Cena/Miz II. Or Cena/Miz 11 depending on whose numbers youâ€™re using.
Also tonight is a 3 on 1 Gauntlet Match. My guess? RAW stole Swagger, Bourne, Morrison, Benjamin and Ziggler and dumped off Festus, Goldust, Hornswaggle and Kendrick. The Brian Kendrick.
Aranda was the official song of The Bash. Wow, they even phoned in the official song. Cole just thanked the Thousands who watched from around the world. I thought it was millions. Thatâ€™s a bad mistake.
Legacy is whining in the back and Bionic Dave comes in to tell them heâ€™ll fire useless byproduct of talented sperm 1 and useless byproduct of talented sperm 2 if they interfere.
Cole, Lawler and no KFC Chicken throw us to a Cena/Miz package. We now get a package reminding us how popular John Cena is and how â€œwackyâ€ The Miz is. See, you can all crap on this angle all you want, but was there any other way for Miz getting his own video package? Iâ€™m sure People, US Weekly and Flex appreciate their logos being used when Miz said â€œcorporate puppetâ€. Well, the company is nice enough to show how many times Miz has â€œwonâ€, since I actually forgot. The last thing I heard was 7-0. I thought it was more than that. Maybe it was. Whatever, it doesnâ€™t matter.
Hmmâ€¦that was a big time package. We now see John Deere Cena walking to the ring. He even takes time to doff his cap at some folks in the back.
Commercial. Including one for Transformers 2. Iâ€™m glad I saw Transformers 2, because I always thought my list of worst movies ever made in the history of time could use a new number one. Seriously, this topped all the bad movies I ever watched. Including â€œBatman and Robin.â€ Including â€œGigliâ€. Hell, this movie was even worse than â€œThe Love Guru.â€ How? It was two and a half hours long! It had no plot! It somehow even managed to ruin the manufactured hotness of Megan Fox! This was just a lot of bad crammed with more bad and topped with awful sauce.
ECW Commercial. I love the â€œdid he retain?â€ promos. Who still tunes in to find out? Who doesnâ€™t have the titles?
WWE Superstars this Thursday isâ€¦Edge versus Punk! Sweet. Now THAT is how you sell Superstars. Notice how much more awesome Superstars sounds? Take it, R-Truth.
RAW Fact: 2,000,000 women watched RAW last week. My fiancÃ© is sitting next to me right now, so while I canâ€™t claim the 2,000,000 figure is true, Iâ€™m only 1,999,999 away from getting to the bottom of this.
Night of Champions Tournament Match: Cena/Miz. Thereâ€™s a dude in the crowd wearing the last ever XFL jersey. Awesome. Cena is â€œall businessâ€ tonight according to Cole. You know Michael, you can just let moments happen. You donâ€™t have to fill silence with clichÃ©s and nonsense. Save some oxygen for the rest of us.
Miz, untainted from his loss, is doing his full-on entrance shtick. If the WWE intends to go through with Orton/Hunter AGAIN, thin thereâ€™s no reason to not so Miz/Hunter. Maybe if the finals were tonight. Since the finals are next week, itâ€™ll be Cena/Hunter to pop the ratings next week. Gotta beat â€œRaising the Barâ€.
Well, Cena is squashing Miz pretty quickly. Miz gets some token offense and Cena takes back control. Miz gets a thumb to the eye and takes back control. Wow, in an odd bit of unexpected continuity, Lawler points out that Cena was kind of a douche-y kid who got in peopleâ€™s faces when he debuted. Remember Cena/Lesnar? Yes folks, that actually happened. It wasnâ€™t that good, but it happened.
Miz is still getting some token offense as Lawler, for some reason, is babbling about Cena undergoing surgery for his neck and us having seen the footage. Iâ€™m sure that was going somewhere, but it wasnâ€™t. Miz hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2.
The biggest surprise in this match is how silent the crowd is. John Cena should be getting a massive face pop instead of apathy. On the plus side, Miz has survived long enough to earn aâ€¦
Back from the break and apparently Miz has been dominating Cena. Hmmâ€¦I find it odd that Big Show is completely absent from this tournament. Maybe this is from the lawsuit. Either way, when I think top four stars on RAW, Miz didnâ€™t leap to mind. But if the WWE is thinking that way, thatâ€™s a good thing.
Miz goes to the top rope but gets caught by Cena, who tried to get the top rope FU but gets dropped by Miz. I tell you what, they are trying hard to make Miz look more legitimate as a heel. Why didnâ€™t they start this last night? I guess letting people see it on free TV makes more sense. After all, those 2,000,000 women will now believe Miz is a main event player.
â€œI donâ€™t think John Cena was expecting this kind of match from The Miz.â€ Why, Cole? Because Cena re-read last nightâ€™s script instead of tonightâ€™s? Seriously, the next time you think of something to sayâ€¦donâ€™t say it. Lemme know how that strategy works.
â€œIf Cena passes out, Miz wins.â€ Cole, what did I JUST say? Cena is out of the choke and hits some shoulder blocks and is now going for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Sure enough, it hits, and he pulls out the Throwback. He then hits the Rocker Dropper. Now here comes the STFU and Miz taps. Well, Cena got dominated most of the match like Hunter did, but at least John had the decency to hit three quasi-finishers on Miz to pin him. The least Triple H could have done to help Miz would have been to hit a spinebuster first.
Cena/Hunter next week on RAW. They better promote the hell out of it.
Still to come? Three guys jobbing to Orton.
â€œIâ€™m John Dillinger, I rob banks.â€
â€œHi John, Iâ€™m Grandpa.â€
Weâ€™re back and we see the Cena/Hunter TIE Fighter Graphic. Lawler said he canâ€™t remember a bigger main event on RAW. Bah.
Legacy is still in group therapy in the back. Next weekâ€™s guest host is going to be the Million Dollar Man. Awesome! Who doesnâ€™t love seeing the Million Dollar Man? Screw it, I just wanna hear his awesome theme song. Nothing was better than then 24/7 promo they cut with him. But I digress, itâ€™s time for Divas nonsense.
Kelly Kelly is coming out first and it pops the crowd. Mickie James and her jaunty cap are out next, and I canâ€™t tell you how shocked I am about how far sheâ€™s fallen in terms of looks. Superficial? Sure. But put her objectively against Kelly or Maryse and I rest my case. Maryse is coming out to watch the match live, and for some reason sheâ€™s dressed like a Dateline anchor.
Side note, watch â€œRoyal Painsâ€. Itâ€™s a great show.
Weâ€™re back and Rosa Mendes and Beth Phoenix are in the ring for some reason. The battle royal has slowed to a crawl for some reason. Apparently this is a fatal-fourway and not a battle royal. Hmm. Beth Phoenix is dominating Mickie James and Kelly Kelly in the ring, but Rosa looked like she was going to get involved but recoiled in fear.
The Divas have now turned into a four-way sleeper hold. Itâ€™s like the worldâ€™s most boring orgy. Maryse stops speaking English and starts speaking French, and her French commentary isnâ€™t as annoying as Coleâ€™s English. In the ring, Kelly hits an impressive sunset flip which kicks off a series of pin attempts.
Kelly and Mickie double-team Phoenix, and in a moment that lacks all logic, Mickie lets Kelly go for the pin. Sadly, it doesnâ€™t end this match.
This match, which is getting a lot of time, looks like it might finally be over after Mickie hits a sloppy DDT. Sure enough, Mickie gets the pin. Or the woman claiming to be Mickie. She looks more like Vickie Guerrero now. Putting her next to Maryse isnâ€™t going to help matters. I know people got pissed at me before when I talked about Mickie looking a little pudgy, but those commenters who rode their high horse clearly lost their outrage when the WWE fired Candice for losing her looks.
Well, Big Show is not only still in the WWE, but heâ€™s facing Kingston. NEXT. But firstâ€¦
We get a Summerslam Reading Jam promo. Awwâ€¦thatâ€™s actually nice. See, itâ€™s nice for the company to show that they arenâ€™t only about engaging in stupidity.
Wellâ€¦itâ€™s the Big Show. I say that less as singing his tune and more of a sigh. Here comes Kofi Kingston. Glad to see heâ€™s back on RAW. I was worried that the loss of Matt Hardy would send him directionless and off television. Now heâ€™s only directionless.
Speaking of directions, Kofi is pinballing off of Big Show. The crowd is chanting for Kofi, which is a good sign since this audience has been silent for Hunter and Cena. In hindsight, I probably would have gone Show/Cena and had Miz face Kofi to set up Night of Champions.
Show is pounding on Kofi on the outside which makes me think heâ€™s gonna get counted out. Sure enough, the match ends in a slow double countout. Which I guess means weâ€™re getting Show/Kingston at Night of Champions. Well, itâ€™s a way to get Show on PPV.
Did you know more people watched RAW than any of the networks? Sweet.
Even sweeter? Theyâ€™re playing the Million Dollar Manâ€™s theme song. Awesome.
Less awesome? The gauntlet match. Randy Orton limps to the ring to face three â€œnewâ€ RAW additions. Well that means at least the first two guys have to lose. Who is a big enough surprise for the third superstar? Jeff Hardy? Waitâ€¦do you think theyâ€™d break out The Undertaker and stick him on RAW? See, THAT would be a major move that would shake up the WWE.
The first opponent isâ€¦dramatic pauseâ€¦more booing from the crowdâ€¦more stallingâ€¦Evan Bourne. What did I say? Well, I thought Bourne was getting set up to be an ECW Title contender, but it turns out instead heâ€™s just going to job to Orton. What a way to debut Bourne, by having him lose to a broken down Randy Orton.
Bourn hits a beautiful spinning heel kick. Bourne with a roll-up but Randy kicks out. Orton eats another spinning heel kick and another two count. Since itâ€™s 10:55, Ortonâ€™s got about 3 minutes to pin him.
Well, Randyâ€™s stomping away at Evan Bourne, and we are now actually witnessing a boring Bounre match. I never thought Iâ€™d see that. Bourne somehow gets Randy down and hits a standing moonsault for two. Orton off the top rope hits the double knee drop. Evanâ€™s going for Air Bourne but Orton blocks it and hits a top rope RKO. Scratch that, weâ€™re calling it a running bulldog.
Next jobberâ€¦I mean RAW Superstar addition…isâ€¦Jack Swagger. Swagger?! Are you f-ing kidding me?! What the hell, Vince? Couldnâ€™t leave ECW anything?! Look, we all knew Swagger and Bourne would wind up on RAW eventually, but this is insanity. Even worse, the former ECW Champion is about to job to a damaged Orton. This is so many levels of stupid I think I lost count. Debuting Swagger in this fashion makes zero sense.
For some reason, Swagger is standing on the apron and is taking the count-out. Well, okay then. Jackâ€™s asking for the microphone. â€œOn my first night on RAW, I wanted to leave a lasting impression.â€ He then shakes Ortonâ€™s hand. Wow, a smart and logical move by a wrestler. Thereâ€™s something you donâ€™t normally see.
The final opponentâ€¦if itâ€™s not Taker itâ€™s underwhelmingâ€¦itâ€™sâ€¦Mark Henry. The epitome of underwhelming. So ECW is officially dead I guess. Henry is also blowing Orton. Unfortunately, Henry is going forward with the match. Our main event on RAW features Mark Henry. There are not enough drugs on the planet to recreate this feeling.
Wait, now Henry is walking on the apron. I justâ€¦Iâ€¦to quote Lewis Black, thereâ€™s not enough deodorant for this conversation. Henry stops the count and smiles. Is this a face turn? Well, the crowd sure thinks so. Dear sweet merciful crap, is this a Mark Henry face push?
Orton is on his knees begging Henry. No Randy, you donâ€™t need to get down on your knees, Lagana no longer writes for the WWE. Henryâ€™s got Orton and launches him. The audience has no idea how to treat this thing anymore. Rather than cheer or boo, they are now silent. Bah. Iâ€™m not a doctor but generally when I hear silence, I tend to think thatâ€™s a bad sign.
Henry headbutts Orton to a mild pop. Just as the crowd comes alive, Orton goes for an RKO, but he eats a Worlds Strongest Slam andâ€¦Mark Henry pins Randy Orton. Yes, Mark Henry pins Randy Orton. I canâ€™t believe that Vince thought giving Mark Henry another push was a good idea.
Iâ€™m floored. We donâ€™t elevate MVP. We donâ€™t elevate Miz. We donâ€™t even elevate Swagger or Bourne. What does the WWE do? They choose to elevate Mark Henry again! I take it back, the WWE of old is back. Sadly, the WWE of old has returned.
Batista is standing at the entrance and Mark Henry applauds. Cole and Lawler hype next weekâ€™s main event, which should be better than Orton/Henry.
This has been for your consideration.
Tags: chris jericho, edge, For Your Consideration, john cena, randy orton, triple h, WWE