The Way Too Long Review of WWE Judgment Day 2009

So the back story from my point of view: following what was an incredibly shitty Wrestlemania, an incredibly shitty draft, and a lot of other mediocre stuff on Raw (I don’t get Smackdown, and have no complaints about ECW) I did something I had only done one time since my childhood: I skipped a WWE Pay Per View in protest of the shitty product.  The previous skip was for No Mercy in 2004.  Yes, that means I actually ordered stuff I knew would suck ahead of time, such as December to Dismember, but I still think I made a good call with No Mercy.  I later bought the DVD for around $5 and I’ll get around to watching it someday.  Anyway, the product has not improved and thus my personal boycott also included Extreme Rules and The Bash and likely will extend to Night of Champions as well.  But I have my fingers crossed for Summerslam.  Really do.

I figured I would end up catching most of this stuff once someone ended up clearing out the DVDs at low prices, but as I was perusing my local Fred Meyer (think a Northwestern version of Wal Mart with less evil and more Western Family crap) I saw the latest version of Judgment Day for the seemingly low price of $15 and figured why not?  Considering all the shit DVDs I own that I don’t even remember buying in the first place (I own the first season of Superboy on DVD?  What the fuck was I on?) I figure at the very least this will make my wrestling DVD collection look about one DVD case bigger and it can’t be any worse then my previous entrees in the “Worst Wrestling DVD I own” category, those being Rodman Down under and a Vince Russo shoot interview.  So here we go…

May 17th, 2009 from Chicago, IL.  Home of both our darkest and our most theater shootiest presidents.

Match #1
CM Punk vs. Umaga

So it would seem Punk tried to cash in his money in the bank contract on Edge when Umaga was passing by, saw what was going down, thought he was witnessing a drug trade off and attacked Punk to seize the goods in the case for himself.  Dejected, Umaga let out a teary eyed “Bah, just a stupid world title contract!” and challenged Punk to a match at Judgment Day for giving his hopes up.  To the match, where we brawl to start.  Shoot off by Umaga but he lowers his head into a kick.  Punk springs off the ropes but gets caught into the spinning side slam.  Punk tries to brawl back again only to run into a backelbow.  Kick to the back by Umaga, then a hard whip to the corner.  More crappy punching by Umaga and a nerve pinch.  Suddenly I’m thinking Anubis II for the Wii wasn’t that bad looking for my $15.  Umaga gets bored with the nerve pinch (not fast enough, sadly) and tosses Punk into the ring post.  And then back to the nerve pinch.  To Punk’s credit, he sells it as good as possible, then starts to fight back, so Umaga switches to a standing armbar.  Punk has a free hand and tries to fight back, but Umaga cuts him off, then flips him into a slam.  Big kneedrop to Punk’s face gets two.  Running kick sends Punk off the apron and into the guardrail.  And once again allow me to take a moment to bitch about firing pyro off in buildings with poor circulation.  Considering the recent crackdown on smoking in the United States (flavored cigarettes are now banned, because clearly children only start smoking when they can have a ciggy that tastes like orange.  Or clove), don’t tell me that the smoke from the pyro isn’t as bad or worse for your body then tobacco smoke is.  Even better is I promise you at least one out of every four of those fucktards in attendance here are the type who would start to choke and gasp for air if someone is smoking across the street from them.  Here’s an idea WWE, why not take the money you spend on fireworks and save it up.  Maybe by Wrestlemania 27 you’ll be able to afford the Rock for one match and be able to job him to John Cena.  Think of the buyrate!  And all you have to do to get it is avoid suffocating your wrestlers and those paying to watch them for a little over one year.

Punk goes to get back into the ring with a sunset flip, but Umaga drops his BUTT WEIGHT~!! on him.  Yes, yes, yes, I’ve been dying to use that joke for a while.  Another butt stomp and Umaga gets cocky.  Punk tries to fight back with a scoopslam, which proves he suffers from at least a mild form of dementia, and Umaga falls on top for two.  Back to the nerve pinch, which Punk fights out of quickly but gets punched down on a charge.  Umaga climbs to the second rope but misses a diving headbutt and both guys are out.  Punk low-bridges an Umaga charges to send him out of the ring.  Plancha to the outside hits for Punk and he climbs back in.  Back in, Punk kicks away but Umaga just won’t fall down.  He tries to whip Umaga but gets reversed in the corner.  Punk gets a foot up on a charge, then moves out of the way and hits the running knee in the corner.  He goes for a bulldog off this but Umaga turns it into a clothesline.  He fights off Umaga again and hits a bulldog off the ropes for two, with Umaga doing a power-kickout.  A big kick and a flying clothesline off the top gets two.  Fans bought that as the finish.  I mean, it’s not like they expected him to hit a GTS on him.  He actually goes for the GTS but can’t and eats a Samoan drop for a close two.  Fans bought THAT as the finish.  Man, Chicago fans are stupid.  Umaga goes for the taped thumb but Punk ducks.  Three straight kicks to Umaga’s head only stagger him and Punk goes for the GTS again.  GTS in this case stands for “God, that’s stupid” because Umaga outweighs him by like 300 pounds and any idiot could tell him that it ain’t working.  Thrust kick by Umaga, bulldozer, and the taped thumb finish for the Samoan Blowdozer.  Oh duh, forgot it was Punk’s home town and that he has to job just so he knows his place.
** Pretty flawed in structure and timing, but the peppy ending saved it somewhat.

Meanwhile, Chavo and Vickie Guerrero plot with Big Show, who promises to put Cena on the shelf.  He tells Vickie that Triple H is already out and that putting Cena out too isn’t good for business.  Really strange.  Then Edge shows up and they have an awkward moment.

Match #2: ECW Championship
(c) Christian vs. Jack Swagger

I’m telling you, Jack Swagger looks just like Biff Tannen from Back to the Future.  Meanwhile, Christian still looks like a douche.  Sorry, I just never got him.  Boring on the stick, low impact and boring in the ring, shitty moveset, manufactured personality… I guess his theme music is nice, but really, I didn’t miss him while he was gone to TNA.  You have to get him credit though for figuring out that it’s better to be the WWE Television Championship then the TNA World Champion.  To the match, where lockups are avoided, leading to Christian to get his shitty overhand punches in.  Swagger whips Christian, who slides under the ropes and runs like a pussy.  Back in, Christian goes for the Unprettier but Jack moves and we have a standstill.  Amateur takedown into a waistlock by Swagger, but he runs into a shoulderblock.  Clothesline misses for Swagger and even the announcers are bored with this shit.  Dropkick by Christian sends Swagger out of the ring, then a springboard plancha lands on the outside.  Kneelift by Swagger as Christian is getting back in the ring, then another shoulderblock to send him out of the ring.  Swagger lifts Cage up to his shoulders and tosses him into the ringpost.  Back in the ring Swagger covers for two.  Swagger slaps on some leg scissors and pushes at Cage’s head.  He gets bored with it (too late) and stomps away.  Christian tries to fight back but runs into a kitchen sink kneelift for two.  Scoopslam but Swagger misses the springing splash and Cage can start his shitty comeback.  Sissy slaps by Christian but Swagger catches him and goes for the Oklahoma Stampede but Christian flips out of it and hits the reverse DDT for two.  Swagger misses an axehandle in the corner, then in a spot that was downright embarrassing, Cage side-steps a charge and hits a shitty looking kick to the head.  Cage misses diving headbutt and Swagger gets an amateur rollup for one as he couldn’t get Christian’s shoulders down.  He goes for the gutwrench bomb but Cage blocks it, so he dumps him.  Christian misses a sledge off the top, then Swagger misses a charge in the corner, but he recovers and catches Cage climbing.  He tosses him off the top with an overhead throw for two.  Small package out of nowhere gets two for Christian, then a double clothesline knocks both guys out.  Hate this spot, especially when one guy is built like a brick shithouse and the other is built like a stick figure.  Swagger sits down on a victory roll and gets two.  Tornado DDT attempt doesn’t work, but a reverse one does.  It gets two.  Horrible looking snake eyes by Swagger leads to a school boy for two as Swagger gets caught with a handful of tights.  Christian goes for the kill switch, but Swagger turns it into a back suplex.  Only it’s way cooler, as Christian does a full flip and lands face-first.  Okay, that was neat.  Gutwrench bomb attempt by Swagger doesn’t work, then Christian rolls him up and grabs a handful of tights for the pin.
* Christian is death to anyone trying to get anything better then a slow, low impact, boring, heatless match.  I feel bad for Swagger that he got paired with him twice right in the middle of his hot rookie run and basically got all his heat killed.  Match sucked as much as every other Christian Cage singles match does, which is to say, a lot.  Someone please explain to me exactly what makes him a good wrestler.  Don’t forget to list how much drugs and alcohol you’re usually on when you watch wrestling.

Meanwhile, Edge calls out Chavo for not standing up to Santino for calling Vickie a pig.

Match #3
Shelton Benjamin vs. John Morrison

Hey, this could be good if given between eight and fifteen minutes.  Shelton starts off by firing an exploder suplex.  Oh poopie, sounds like this will be a five-minutes special.  Fireman’s carry into an armbar.  Morrison tries to fight back but runs into a shoulderblock.  Morrison fires off some shitty punches (eh, nobody’s perfect) and Benjamin bails.  Benjamin springs off the ropes and hits a 450 Axehandle on Benjamin.  Big pop for that, even though I’m not sure how the 450 part helps the move hurt more.  Back in, Morrison climbs but gets kicked off the top and to the floor.  Shelton distracts the ref while the dastardly Charlie Haas cheats to… toss him back in the ring?  Chuck, you wuss.  Shelton brawls Morrison around a bit, then snapmares him over into an arm and hammer hold.  Morrison fights back, but runs into a backelbow for two.  Stompery by Shelton, followed by a camel clutch.  Foot to the face by Shelton, then a sleeper.  Fans are fairly heatless for this.  The sleeper becomes a chinlock, then Morrison grabs one of his own, then both guys run into each other for a double KO.  What a letdown this is so far.  Back suplex is turned into a crossbody for two.  Uppercut by Morrison, who charges into a backelbow, but a standing dropkick gives him advantage.  Clotheslines and a he does a whirly bird into a Russian legsweep for two.  That was neat.  Inverted backbreaker by Benjamin gets two.  Another dropkick by Morrison, then a running knee gets two.  Kick by Morrison but he gets caught springing off the ropes and powerbombed into the opposite turnbuckle.  That sounded cool, but it looked a little like poopie.  Monkey flip but Shelton lands on his feet.  Morrison takes out Hass, avoids the Blinger Splash, hits the chopkick, and hits the Starship Pain for the pin.
**1/4 I heard good things about it, but it was ultimately pretty poorly paced and not very entertaining aside from a few high spots.

Meanwhile, the Miz comes out to talk shit.  He congratulates Marty Jannetty John Morrison on his previous victory.  He calls out John Cena, then bitches at the fans for saying “WHAT!” over and over again.  “You sound like a bunch of ducks.  WHA WHA WHA!”  Huge heat for that, with even the announcers laughing at how funny that line was.  Anyway, he knows Cena will duck him, so he heats up on the Chicago Cubs.  He turns his venom on Alfonso Soriano, the star for the Cubs who is sitting at ringside.  I guess he’s famous for using Cena’s ‘you can’t see me’ gesture.  Miz says for him it means he can’t see a world series ring as long as he plays for the Cubs.  Huge heat for that as well.  Miz apologizes for the cheap shot and anyone who was born before 1908 and saw them win the title.  He then challenges Soriano to a match.  Miz then gets a phone call from Cubs manager Lou Pinella saying not to challenge his star to a match because he would rather get his yearly injury on the field rather then off.  He then declares that Cena loses his match and is now 0-4 against Miz.  I usually hate promos that you have to pay to watch, but considering this is the highlight of the show so far, I’ll let it slide.

BUT WAIT~!!  Here comes Santino Marella, who apologizes to the “Fiz” for interrupting him.  Santino verbally blows ‘fellow Italian’ Alfonso and offers to take him out for Steve Bartman (the douchebag who was second only to the Chicago Cubs as the reason the Cubs lost the 2003 NLCS) jokes and pasta.  Miz gets pissed at him interrupting the Miz’s time.  Marella says that he just wanted to point out how WWE stars look like animals.  Vickie Guerrero looks like a pig.  Vladimir Kozlov looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppet Show.  By gawd, he’s right!!  Miz gets curious what animal he looks like.  Santino says he looks like a jackass.  Miz gets flustered and botches a couple lines.  Santino says he’s ready for a fight, and one breaks out.  Both guys roll around the floor with mounted punches, ending with Miz planting Santino with a DDT.  Huge heat for him.  BUT WAIT~!!  Chavo Guerrero comes out to mock Santino while he’s down, then frog splashes him.

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho cuts one of his awesome paranoid promos, saying that he’s the hardest worker and that Mysterio is only a star because he’s a fan favorite.  Uh yeah, that’s usually how it works.  What’s up with Jericho’s eyes?  They’re all freaky looking anymore.  Not that I’m complaining.

Match #4: Intercontinental Championship
(c) Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho has the weirdest strut these days.  A combination of a robotic walk with the feeling that he has shit in his tights.  Mysterio starts with a drop toehold and goes for the 619, but Jericho bails.  Back in, Jericho hits a clothesline while the smart assed Chicago fans chant for him.  Mysterio slugs it out but runs into a backelbow.  Jericho dumps Mysterio under the ropes, but Mysterio recovers quickly.  He dives into the ring while Jericho bails, then hits him with a dropkick in the face.  Seated senton to the outside, followed by a kick.  Jericho reverses a whip and sends Mysterio into the guardrail.  Back in, Mysterio kicks at Jericho on the apron then drops a leg off the top with Jericho between the ropes for two.  Big pop for that.  Mysterio climbs but Jericho crotches him on the ropes.  Springboard dropkick by Jericho sends Mysterio to the floor.  To the floor again, where Jericho drops Mysterio on the guardrail, tosses Rey into the ring, then springs over the ropes and splashes him for two.  Chinlock now.  Mysterio fights back and hits an enziguri, setting up for the 619, but Jericho counters with a nice over the shoulder back bodydrop for two.  By the way, anyone notice how funny it is that Jericho wears short tights now, which makes him look shorter.  Considering that back in the day, he used to wear lifts to make himself look taller and blew countless spots as a result.  Anyway, Jericho wraps Mysterio up on his shoulders and drops down into a shockwave for two.  Catapult into the ropes gets two.  Jericho is arrogant as ever and starts to dance around him, taunting him.  He places Mysterio on the top rope, then tries to rip off his mask.  Mysterio fights back and hits a seated senton off the top, then a springboard crossbody gets two.  Mysterio rolls through a cover and kicks Jericho in the face for two.  Mysterio gets caught in a near electric chair, then counters out, then counters out of a Walls of Jericho, but then gets caught in a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two.  Jericho goes for a bulldog but Mysterio counters it and again sets up for the 619, Jericho AGAIN avoids it, but Chris catches him in the Walls of Jericho.  Only Mysterio wiggles out and sets up for the 619.  He hits it, only Jericho catches it and hooks in the Walls of Jericho in the center of the ring.  Awesome series of moves there.  Mysterio crawls for the ropes, so Jericho drags him back to the center of the ring and opens himself up to a small package for two.  Jericho catches Rey and flings him up into a sick powerbomb for two.  Jericho is cocky and smacks away at Mysterio, then whips him to the corner.  Jericho misses a charge which allows Mysterio to hit the 619 and the springboard splash for the pin.
***3/4 Awesome final six minutes or so makes up for the dullness that started.  I hear they got better from here in the pay-per-views that followed.

Match #5: WWE Championship
(c) Randy Orton vs. Batista

Wow, this thing nearly put me to sleep just thinking about it.  Orton bails as soon as the bell rings, which fails to draw any heat.  There’s an art and timing to the heat-drawing opening stall that was lost to wrestling sometime around the late 80s.  Then again, maybe it wasn’t lost but rather died, another victim of the cable TV era along with kayfabe and anyone named Von Erich.  I’m really racking my brain here but I can’t think of the last time I saw a meaningful opening stall in a match in the WWE.  It’s been a long time.  Kudos for Orton to giving it a shot, but maybe he should watch some tapes of his old man’s matches and try to time it better.  Anyway, he gets back in the ring and eats a shoulderblock, so he bails again.  Batista gets whipped to the corner but ‘explodes’ out with a clothesline, then a suplex gets two.  Very weak looking toss in the ropes and then an elbow in the back, and man is Batista’s timing horrible here.  Hard whip to the corner by Batista, who then floats over Orton.  Randy dumps him through the ropes, then dropkicks him off the apron.  Orton bails to the floor and backdrops Batista onto the guardrail.  Yipes.  That was pretty sinister of Orton and very heelish.  He’s getting better, folks.  Orton celebrates, then stomps and knees away, then covers for two.  If nothing else, I think I can safely say that Orton has the best looking stomp in the company.  Chinlock but Batista fights off, only eat the wrap-around backbreaker for two.  He proves his dickery by stomping Batista on the point of the toe, which would have been awesome if Batista had sold the foot instead of grabbing a random part of his side.  Now back to the chinlock.  Batista fights out with a backdrop and it’s a double KO.  Shoot off and Orton grabs a sleeper.  Batista shoots out of it but misses a clothesline and eats a dropkick.  Batista is on the apron and tries to fight back again but Orton catches him in the rope DDT for two.  Orton does the viper coil to call for the PUNT~! but Batista springs up with a spear.  Hell, this match ain’t that bad.  YEA BOO slugoff takes place, with Batista getting the boos.  He wins out and shoulderblocks Orton in the corner, then clotheslines him in the opposite corner and hits a powerslam for two.  Both guys seem to draw a blank, leading to Batista getting a backelbow and Orton bailing and instructing the referee to count him out.  Should have been saved for a better spot, like after Batista hit the spinebuster or something.  Batista bails to give chase.  Orton grabs onto the ringpost, drawing laughs from the crowd in what is a cool spot.  Batista pulls him off and tosses him into the ring.  Clothesline in the ring gets two for Batista.  I actually liked that last spot.  Orton is a total throwback to an old school heel and I doubt anyone in the WWE could fill the role as good as him.  Running boot to Orton’s face, and Orton bails again, only for Orton to hit a hangman.  He grabs a steel chair to force a DQ, but Batista makes him drop it with a punch.  Batista slams him into the table, then tosses him back in.  He climbs and hits a flying shoulderblock off the top for two.  You know, the IWC spewed a lot of hatred on this match, but it’s actually not bad at all.  Batista loads up the powerbomb but Orton grabs his belt and starts to leave, but Batista catches him and spinebusters him.  He goes for the powerbomb but Orton punches off, only to get slammed down after trying an RKO.  Spear in the corner misses and Batista eats the ringpost.  Orton goes nuts and calls for the RKO, but Batista tosses him off, almost wiping out the referee.  Orton seizes this chance to get himself DQed and bitchslaps the referee, and that’s it.  Priceless hits the ring almost instantly to stomp away, BUT WAIT~!! because Ric Flair comes out to make the save and somehow fights off three guys half his age all by himself.  Batista recovers and powerbombs Orton, then teams with Flair to take out the rest of Legacy.
***3/4 Holy poopie, that was a pretty good modern twist on a Honky Tonk Man match.  Good heat, awesome crowd, good psychology, good pacing, excellent storyline, but they were undermined by Batista’s bad timing and a few weird spots.  On a side note, it’s time for Batista to hang it up.  He had a good run on top and some really excellent matches.  I know it’s not cool to say Batista is a decent or better wrestler, but that’s how I feel.  He’s done more then carry his end in some real epic stuff.  But the injuries keep piling up and he’s in his 40s now.  Go out on top, Big Dave.

Match #6
John Cena vs. Big Show

So the previous month, Big Show helped Edge win the World Title by tossing Cena through a flood light.   By the way, I love how they call Big Show the ‘world’s largest athlete’ when in fact he’s not as tall or well built as the Great Khali.  Ha, I know, like Khali does anything athletic.  Cena is still selling the injuries from Backlash and avoids locking up.  Cena lifts himself up the ropes and gets a few kicks off.  Fans fight over who can chant the loudest, with half chanting “Let’s go Cena” and the other half saying “Cena Sucks!”  The Cena lovers seem to win this battle.  Show catches another kick by Cena and punches him in the gut, then starts to slllllooooowwwwwllllyyyy brawl him around.  How slow?  So slow he would move faster if being pushed around by a three toed sloth.  It was that slow.  Cena tries to fight back and dives at him with a shoulderblock, but Show doesn’t even have to move and Cena bounces off of him.  Show stands on Cena, then slams him.  He then slllloooowwwwllly stalks him around the ring.  How slow?  So slow that the entrance way changed from Judgment Day’s stage to the Survivor Series’ stage by time Show was ready to do another move.  It was that slow.  Show picks up Cena and goes for another slam, but Cena wiggles out and bounces off the ropes… only to walk into a sidewalk slam.  Show is slow in getting up.  How slow?  By time he got up his hairline had moved back another two inches.  It was that slow.  Headbutt by Show and then more stalling.  Big Show goes for a running big boot, only he’s too slow and Cena moves out of they way.  Show catches himself before he gets crotched and then dumps Cena.  He then slllooowwwlllyyyy gets out of the ring.  How slow?  By time he got out of the ring the WWE had already lost another $70 Million making more John Cena movies that nobody watches.  It was that slow.  Show picks up Cena and slams him rib-first into the ring post.  Back in, Show sllloowwwlly stalks him to set up the camel clutch.  How slow?  So slow that Cena was able to avoid it.  It was that slow.  Show avoids a bulldog and peck slaps Cena in the corner.  Then more standing around and doing nothing.  He has sweat pouring off him, even though he’s not really doing anything.  My god, imagine the perspiration this guy must have just to do something simple like take a piss.  Cena tries to come off the ropes with a sledge but gets caught in a bearhug.  This match fucking sucks.  Cena, to his credit, sells it like death, then slowly pulls Show’s arms off of him, only to be tossed into the turnbuckle.  Show actually gets into the match slightly by doing a running ass splash to Cena in the corner.  Then more standing around and looking angry.  Hard whip to the corner and then Show displays a short attention span by getting occupied by one of Cena’s armbands.  He casually tosses it away, which fires up Cena who starts to come back with punches and the blockbuster.  Five knuckle shuffle, then Cena remembers to sell the rib injury.  Show catches him and goes for the chokeslam, but Cena hits a DDT and goes for the STFU, but Show is too big.  He gets up and clotheslines Cena down.  Show drags him to the corner and loads up a pump splash.  It actually hits, but only gets two.  Bull… shit.  Let’s play along with the storylines.  Cena already has injured ribs.  Presumably such a move should break a rib and puncture a lung.  He goes for a second pump splash, but Cena moves out of the way of this one, then goes for the STFU, but in a moment that actually makes complete sense, they do it in a way that shows that Show is too big to accept the move.  Well, other then the fact that he already had done the STFU to Khali, who’s way taller.  Cena comes off the rope with a legdrop, then again goes for the STFU, but Show is still the same size as he was 40 seconds before and the move doesn’t work.  Show loads up Cena and actually hits the Alley-Oop.  He calls for the SHITTY CLOSED FIST~! but Cena loads him up in the FU and hits it for the pin.
1/2* A decent ending sequence cannot save one of the most boring matches I’ve seen on WWE pay per view since… well since Orton vs. Triple H from Wrestlemania… but my point still stands.  Horrible structure to the match and slllloooowww.  How slow?  So slow that the drugs Umaga took when the match started had already cleared his system when the pinfall happened.  It was that slow.

Match #7: World Heavyweight Championship
(c) Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

Lockup and Hardy grabs a wristlock, but Edge shoots off shoulderblocks him.  A pair of armdrags by Jeff into an armbar.  Edge escapes only to get armdragged again.  Jeff holds the armbar for a bit, Edge escapes, they trade reversals, and Jeff gets an armdrag into an armbar.  Shoot off by Edge, but Jeff holds onto the ropes.  Edge ends up on the apron, only to get mule-kicked off.  Flipping senton by Jeff on the outside.  Back in, Jeff goes for the whisper in the wind but misses.  Meanwhile, Jim Ross calls Jeff Hardy a “High-Risk Junkie.”  Does wellness test for that?  If they start to, Jeff might as well call TNA to ask if they’re hiring right now.  Spear by Edge knocks Hardy off the apron and to the floor.  Back in, Edge sledges Jeff in the back, then stomps away.  Elbowdrop to the back gets two.  Choke on the ropes then a head of steam gets two.  Windmill now by Edge.  Hardy spins out of it and goes for the Twist of Fate, but it gets turned into the Edge-O-Matic for two.  Jeff bails to the ropes like a bitch, then hits a crossbody for two.  Jawbreaker and a pancake suplex leads to Jeff Hardy climbing.  He misses a dive and Edge covers for two.  Shoot off and Jeff becomes a house of fire with a Macho Man style clothesline, followed by flipping clothesline, a takedown, a legdrop, and a dropkick to the face.  All in one motion.  Very cool, but so fast it went without a reaction from many of the fans.  Weird takedown leads to Jeff hitting a crossbody off the top for two.  Dropkick attempt by Jeff but Edge holds the ropes.  Inside cradle by Jeff gets two.  Edge goes for the Implant DDT but Jeff hooks in a sharpshooter.  And hey, it looks good!  Best one I’ve seen done in the company since Bret Hart.  Yeah that’s right, even better then Benoit’s.  Twist of Fate by Hardy after dragging Edge from the ropes gets two.  Jeff goes for the momentum kick in the corner, but Edge catches him and goes for a powerbomb, but Jeff turns that into a sunset flip for two.  Jeff gets caught climbing, and Edge gives chase.  Jeff turns this into a murder-death-kill bomb for two.  Jeff goes for the momentum kick again, and Edge attempts to bail on it but can’t, so the kick sends him flying out of the ring.  Jeff preps a table and the guard rail as well.  Jeff goes for the rail runner into a splash on the table, but Edge springs off the table and SPEARS HIM OFF THE RAIL AND ONTO THE FLOOR!  Fuck me, that was vicious.  Man, with sick bumps like that is anyone shocked that Jeff Hardy has pain killer problems?  The referee begins to count and Hardy barely makes it in before the ten.  Hardy catches Edge trying to spear him off the apron and legdrops him on the ropes, then twists of fates him on the rope, then hits a spring over legdrop for two.  Whisper in the Wind gets two.  Edge is all knocked goofy and tries to bail, but Hardy catches him and preps the stairs.  Poetry in motion off the stairs takes both guys over the guardrail and into the stands.  Awesome stuff.  Jeff tosses Edge over the security wall, but Matt Hardy comes out of nowhere and hits Jeff in the back of the head with the cast in another vicious looking and well executed spot.  This looks to be the end, and Edge tosses Jeff in the ring and covers… for two.  Spear attempt by Edge but Jeff ducks and trips Edge up into hitting the turnbuckle.  Jeff struggles to climb up the corner, still out of it from the cast shot, and can’t make it.  Edge climbs and THOSE SICK MOTHER FUCKERS DO A DDT OFF THE TOP ROPE SPOT!  Holy fucking christ on a crutch with stitches!  That was just all kinds of nasty looking.  Needless to say, it gets the pin for Edge.
****1/4 Slowish start but once these guys started to pick up steam they ran off a whole bunch of vicious looking spots and ended it with the mother of all sick shit.  A worthy main event to the show.

SPECIAL FEATURE: Batista and Ric Flair have a moment in the back with a big hug and apparently hookers.  It runs 40 seconds and is so pointless I’m shocked the WWE had the gull to advertise it on the case.

BOTTOM LINE: Although some of the early matches disappointed, the two title matches were vastly underrated by many of those who viewed the show live.  We also get a good chapter in the Jericho/Mysterio feud.  The main event also brought the goods.  For $15, you’re bound to find some good times here.  Thumbs up!

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