For Your Consideration…Monday Night Taped

For Your Consideration…Monday Night Taped

Well, the Signature sure has some new faces.

Speaking of new faces, we get a new and updated RAW open. Sure enough, Swagger, Henry and Bourne all made the open, and they just wanna be, wanna be loved.

The pyro goes off and we…are…not…live…and Cole seems less than enthused to be there. Our main event is Triple H versus John Cena, a match I said I wanted to see.

And we open with The Million Dollar Man! I love this song so much. He’s there and he’s got the fuckin’ Million Dollar Belt. Wait, Ted is calling out Legacy to accompany him. I’m glad because there was something odd about hearing The Million Dollar Man’s song without hearing boos. Some fat Spanish guys are holding up hundred dollar bills. I smell a plant.

Cole asks if we can imagine a world where he has unlimited power, and suddenly the Bush administration doesn’t seem so terrible. Ted has the stick and is going to hopefully teach a master class in how to cut a heel promo. “Everybody’s got a price” gets a solid pop. Ted’s people made a call and he wrote a check and this week he’s running RAW. Then he busts out the laugh! I’m a shameless Million Dollar Man mark, so sue me.

He’s taking this time to remind us how awesome Cody and Teddy are. Yeah…even Ted can’t sell that. When was the last time these two guys even won a significant match? I hope Ted gives his son the belt. Ted was informed that there can be no title defenses…so I guess unlimited power has its limits. Ted does apparently have booking power, so he’s booking Awesome Canadian Hair versus Legacy. Odd heel versus heel match. I guess this means our main event at NOC will be a triple threat.

Cody Rhodes tonight apparently is facing Mark Henry. Apparently Mark Henry needs to punish, so his punishment is fighting Cody. Why do we all have to be punished with that match? Is this a Ted Dibiase face turn? Makes no sense unless Teddy and Cody beat him down to end the show. That would be cool. Ted reminds us that his son ripped Orton a new one on PPV, so I guess the slow face turn is right on pace for “The Marine 2: The Search for Any Money”. Teddy’s opponent tonight will make a statement, and I hope that statement isn’t “best of luck in your future endeavors Mr. Dibiase.” Teddy tonight is fighting Randy Orton. Ted turns into an overly aggressive sports dad and demands his son beat Orton. I guess because of his years on the road he missed all those soccer games, so he’s unleashing all that dad pressure now.

And here comes Awesome Canadian Hair. Jericho and (the pretaped uninjured) Edge come into the ring. I guess the company hopes that putting Legacy in the ring with people who know how to cut promos will rub off on them. Wait, no promo, just a staredown followed by…

Commercial

Edge and Jericho are still posing in the ring and we see Lawler and a tie-less Michael Cole, clearly creating casual Monday. Here come the tag champs’ opponents…oh no…the Useless Colons. We get a replay from last week where the Colons lost, and we tease more dissent. Cole said we saw what happened after the match on WWE Mobile, so to the two people who actually get that service, let us know what happened. On second thought, it’s something involving the Colons so just don’t.

Carlito and Edge start it off. Remember a few years ago when Carlito and Edge were pretty much on the same level in terms of the pecking order? I’m sure thanks to years of drinking, Carlito’s forgotten. Or tried to forget. At least the WWE still makes it look like they’re trying to make Shelton Benjamin look “legit-ish”.

Jericho in now with the suplex and is picking apart the poofier Colon. I’m all for Edge and Jericho holding the tag belts, but appearing in segment two against the Useless Colons doesn’t exactly scream excitement. I still think the best idea for Night of Champions was to have a super team of Cena and Triple H take on Jericho and Edge, which freed up Orton to face a new challenger like MVP (or after last week the vacuum of talent, Mark Henry).

Edge and Jericho have been pocking apart Carlito for a while, which means a hot tag to Primo who can cost his brother the match. Seriously, Primo’s hair and mustache makes him look like a relic from WWE 24/7. He’s this generation’s Jose Luis Rivera. Let’s just hope he isn’t this generation’s Freddie Prinze. That joke is not only offensive but a great callback to the time when the star of “She’s All That” worked for the WWE.

Primo comes in and “is like a red hot chili pepper” according to Lawler, to show that the WWE’s odd racism towards the Latin community is still alive and well. It was funny when Heenan would rip on Tito Santana. When Lawler does it, it just sounds lame. Primo gets tied up in the ropes, Carlito frees him and gets knocked out of the ring by Edge. This leads to “Three’s Company”-style miscommunication and Jericho hits the Codebreaker which leads to Edge hitting the Spear and the tag champs win. Did it take two premiere finishing moves to beat Primo? Really? Oh well, all that matters is the shot of Jericho and Edge holding four shiny belts.

In the ring, Carlito attacks Primo to what sounds like a bit of a face pop. Wow, this slow burn turned into a fast inferno quickly. Guess it was that fiery Latin temper. Talent meets talent as Primo gets thrown into Michael Cole. Carlito storms off to what should be a decent midcard push. Carlito/Kofi anyone?

R.I.P. Useless Colons. You’ll be missed…like Techno Tag Team 2000.

Legacy’s in the back and Teddy and Randy have an awkward confrontation. It’s like running into an ex-girlfriend. Randy, pulling a page from the book of obvious, talks about how he’d clearly beat Teddy. Teddy then says The Million Dollar Man was better than Cowboy Bob Orton. Randy tries to come back, but in the end how do you beat the truth?

Commercial.

Seriously, watch Royal Pains. Solid show.

More than 6 times as many people watched RAW over MLB last week.

We now see Evan Bourne as part of RAW. Also Gail Kim, who supposedly is a combination of sex and power. Okay. Jack Swagger’s on RAW and will be a main event guy sooner rather than later. Mark Henry is on RAW and for some reason is a face. Alicia Fox is on RAW, making her traded more than Big Show’s heel turn.

Speaking of her, she’s now apparently moved on from following blonde champion Michelle McCool to following blonde champion Maryse. Why? Why was she following McCool in the first place? She’s like the female Virgil (because it’s Million Dollar Man night, not for the other reason).

Their opponents are Gail Kim and Mickie James. I think it’s odd that the WWE goes and spends money on Gail Kim only to job her out every week. If you wanted to embarrass her, just let her stay in TNA. Can’t get more embarrassing than that. So Maryse and Ponchie James start it off. Trust me, folks, no one is more disappointed in the downturn Mickie’s taken than me, because she seemed like the obvious choice to take the Trish Stratus mantle, but she keeps getting…rounder. It might be insensitive, but there are elements to women’s wrestling that doesn’t apply to men’s wrestling.

Fox and Gail Kim are in the ring, and Kim is trying desperately to get noticed. Kim with a cross body for 2, but Maryse knocks out Kim when the ref wasn’t looking. Maryse is now in the ring and I think it’s odd that the majority of the Smackdown women’s locker-room is on RAW. It’s kind of sad how dead the crowd is for this, because these women seem to be working their asses off. I’ve actually been impressed with how Maryse seems to be perfecting her heelish tactics. In the end, Gail Kim scores a pinfall on Maryse, so I guess we’re not completely forgetting about her. In the end, Maryse still has the Diva’s title.

In the back we see Ted getting his nails filed. Cody comes in and gets offered a manicure before Ted buries the make-up lady. Cody has a wad of hundreds and tries to bribe Ted, but you can’t buy the Million Dollar Man. Everybody’s got a price except him. Ted starts putting over Dusty for some reason. Cody sings Dusty’s song and Ted thankfully talks about how much he hates Dusty. “That fat, blonde-headed fool is in the Hall of Fame and I’m not is a travesty.” Shoot or not, it’s the truth. Ted threatens to put Cody in polka dots, which would still not make Cody interesting. Speaking of boring…

Commercial.

Well, Cody is thankfully getting an entrance. Good for him. Unfortunately for him (and the audience), he’s facing Mark Henry. Cole talks about what would happen if he were guest host, and I think I know the answer: lots and lots of televisions turning off. Mark Henry comes out and actually gets a pop. Those people are enablers and they need to just stop. Cole mentions that few people have made such an impact on their RAW debuts like Mark Henry did. Look, Cole, this wasn’t Henry’s debut. You have to go back over a decade of suck for that.

Henry is pounding on Cody, and this match is really going a long way towards not making Rhodes look like a jobber and a complete joke. Well, Cody just came off the top rope, got caught and ate the World’s Strongest Slam. All of this in like two minutes. Cody rolls to the outside and he’s leaving. Someone tell the fans to stop booing! Short Henry matches are the best thing for everyone. Henry wins via countout in a match that took less than his entrance. Hell, it took less time than a regular, non-lumbering entrance. Speaking of lumbering, how soon until Henry feuds with Big Show? I will give it to Creative, the best way to get him over is VERY short matches.

Cena in his bright green get-up is training in the back. Good thing there just happened to be a camera there. Christian faces Vladamir Koslov in a #1 Contender’s match on ECW this Thursday at 7…opposite “Wheel of Fortune”. Decisions, decisions.

Commercial.

Randy Orton’s coming out first for his match with Teddy, which makes no sense. Wouldn’t the WWE Champion get to enter second? I guess Vince hopes that someone flipping would catch Orton and go, “Well, I haven’t watched wrestling since Austin and The Rock, but that shiny orange kid looks like something I’d watch rather than ‘Here Come the Newlyweds’.” Well, here comes Teddy, and for the first time I can remember, he gets an individual entrance. Hmm, he’s from West Palm Beach, Florida. Yeah Florida! Go Gators! Sorry…it’s involuntary.

So Cody gets flattened and Teddy gets a test-out match to see if he can fly on his own. Teddy and Randy lock up and Randy shoves Teddy in the mouth. Well, Teddy gets some offense and shows he can work as a face. This logic would work well except that unlike Batista in Evolution, the fans aren’t trying to turn Teddy.

Commercial.

We’re back and Randy is picking apart Dibiase. While Teddy’s on the ground, Randy begins the 21st Century Garvin Stomp, which is flattening Teddy as it kills the crowd. After about twenty stomps, Teddy moves and goes for a roll-up. Orton really shouldn’t be too shocked that Teddy is a challenge when you consider Randy recruited him. Why would Randy Orton recruit losers in the first place? Then again, why am I looking for logic from RAW? This isn’t Smackdown.

Orton hits the sick second rope DDT and does a great heelish point for the ref to count. Teddy kicks out and Orton is shocked, even though that move has never been a finisher. “Wouldn’t that be an embarrassment if Teddy wins!” Thanks Cole. You’re a moron. Stop burying the talent. I miss Smackdown Cole, who could call the match and NOT be under such pressure that he inadvertently damages the wrestlers. Well, assuming his word actually has any effect on the fans.

So if Swagger laid down last week unprovoked but Teddy keeps fighting, can we expect Jack to replace Dibiase in Legacy? Probably not. By pulling Teddy away and turning Cody into a jobber, Randy will again be a lone wolf (not unlike Zach Galafinakis in “The Hangover”), and Swagger can step up as the main event heel.

Well, Teddy is on his 12th comeback of the match, but nothing seems to beat Orton. Teddy really tuned face in his mannerisms quickly. Teddy goes for Dream Street but Orton hits the RKO and wins. Orton slaps Teddy in the face but he is trying to convey “impressed”. Yeah WWE, I think if you turn Teddy you’ll have another vanilla midcarder.

We go from a shot of Teddy looking like he’s about to cry to Triple H being interviewed by Josh Matthews who seemed to be lurking in the shadows. Hunter said that Hunter/Cena is “epic”. I got flack for some reason last week from Commenters when I talked about how I thought the WWE should do Cena/Hunter at NOC instead of Hunter/Orton. People didn’t understand how I could promote one stale main event over the other. Easy. We’ve seen Hunter/Orton a thousand times over the past few months. We haven’t seen Hunter/Cena in a while. In fact, they’ve only met a few times ever on PPV in a one-on-one match. On top of that, if they did Hunter/Cena, they wouldn’t need to completely abandon the Hunter/Orton storyline (that will be paid of at Hell in the Cell) and they can guarantee a major buyrate for a mid-to-low-level show. People also forgot that I wanted Orton/MVP. In the end, given the three elements present, I would think Hunter/Cena would be a more intriguing match for the common fans. Cena/Orton would be WAY too rushed if they do it. I think right now their best bet is to re-do the main event from WM24 and do a triple threat. If not, how else do you get Cena on the PPV?

Commercial.

We come back to see Sherri Shepherd and MVP at the BET Awards. We then see a bunch of BET celebs doing the “ballin’” gesture. Hey, Arsenio Hall is still alive and being interviewed.

In the ring we get the VIP Lounge, and for some reason MVP is decked out in flannel like the African version of Necro Butcher. MVP starts out by sucking up to Dibiase and then starts talking about the trade. So I guess MVP is interviewing Swagger to set up Jack’s first feud on RAW. Looks like MVP’s stock is falling rather than rising. Odd considering how much press Porter’s getting.

Jack Swagger comes out, but sadly isn’t wearing the badass suit he was rocking in ECW. Jack in a suit made him look like a much bigger heel. While a Swagger/MVP feud is solid, it has some flaws. First off, this can’t happen at NOC because neither guy has gold. Second, since Jack has to go over to establish himself as a heel threat, it further buries MVP, who started strong but flamed out quickly through no fault of his own.

MVP calls Swagger a fraud for intentionally jobbing to Orton. “MVP spent time in Florida State…but not the university.” Swagger talks about how MVP was a convict. To tell you the truth, calling him a graduate from FSU is WAY worse than saying he was in jail. Porter says he is using his celebrity influence to save kids, and Swagger’s “come on” gesture is classic heel stuff. I like it. So for all the negative things I said about this feud, there is a positive. MVP pulled out some classic matches with Matt Hardy, who isn’t the talent that Jack Swagger is. Also, the crowd is firmly behind Porter. Maybe I’ll be proven wrong and MVP will come out of this a main eventer. You know, behind Triple H, John Cena and now Mark Henry.

Swagger takes a powder and MVP issues an open challenge for him. This was a surprisingly effective segment pulled off by two skilled superstars.

Meanwhile, Teddy yells at his daddy. Teddy says that he can’t get out from his dad’s shadow. Then, in the move I’ve been hoping for for months, Teddy slaps his father. Sadly, Ted looks like he’s gonna cry instead of smiling.

Commercial.

We get a replay from the random Big Show/Kofi feud. Seriously, there is no better proof that Creative books the undercard by pushing the “random” button on “Smackdown v. RAW 2009”.

Here comes Kofi. His opponent is Evan Bourne. This could be a great and exciting match that might make Bourne look like a bigger star than his loss last week to Orton. While it makes sense to get Big Show on the PPV by putting him in the US Title picture, I think seeing Kingston/Bourne on PPV would probably intrigue some fans that wouldn’t normally buy a WWE PPV.

While the two superstars fly around the ring, Cole is busy trying to sell us on the main event tonight. Really? We need to sell Hunter/Cena? Kofi gets knocked down and here comes the official RAW debut of the “Air Borne” for the win. So Bourne wins the US Title. “How pretty is this kid?” So first Cole’s not wearing a tie and now this? Hmm…

Big Show comes out to bury both Kingston and Bourne. In the end, Show chokes out Kofi.

Commercial.

We’re back with a Cena promo as John sells the WWE on the main event of RAW. This is a Wrestlemania match for sure, but we’re getting it for free! Whoa! Call your neighbor, set your VCR and whatever you do, don’t read the spoilers! John’s promo is surprisingly vanilla as he just talks about how much he respects Hunter. I want Cena to win the WWE Title just so that he can finally get his damn spinning belt back.

Lillian Garcia, dressed like a hooker for some reason, introduces Hunter. Triple H does his Marilyn Monroe with the steam as we get a FULL Hunter entrance. Since this is a legit main event, it makes sense.

Commercial.

Cena’s entrance is next. Since I didn’t read the spoilers, my guesses could be way off, but I think a triple threat for NOC would ensure all three guys a slot on the PPV. There’s no way they would do a PPV without a healthy Cena or a healthy Hunter.

The two do a long stare-down in the middle of the ring, as if we didn’t know this was “big”. We get a long series of stalemates to show how even these two are. Just cut the crap and wrestle.

Well, they do just that as they trade right hands. This show has been surprisingly wrestling heavy, with minimal outside shtick, which I think is a bit of a mistake. The crowd has been very quiet for most of the night (aside from the MVP VIP lounge), and they might be a bit burned out for this match. That’s not good since this is supposed to be the biggest match we could ever see and Vince can’t risk the audience at home thinking that these two couldn’t electrify a crowd.

Commercial.

We’re back as Cena is on the offensive to a lot of boos. This match should be given all the fanfare it deserves because this is the equivalent of the WWE giving away Austin/Rock for free. I doubt the company is willing to give us a clean finish, so maybe tonight Teddy decides to make his presence felt by causing a DQ.

Hunter is now slowly attacking Cena, and the crowd is again growing more and more quiet. The only responses they seem to have is booing any Cena comeback. Speaking of which, Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Hunter then comes back with a facebuster and is now in control and the crowd lulls back to sleep.

Triple H goes for the Pedigree but Cena blocks it. I’m sorry, but the epic feel for this match just doesn’t seem to be there. Hunter goes for a sleeper, and its clear these guys are just tired. Cena then puts a sleeper on Hunter. Wow this match is dull.

Cena goes for the FU but Hunter rolls him up for 2. Cena goes for the STFU but Hunter blocks it. Finally Cena locks it in right in front of the ropes. Cena goes for another STF and it ends in a double clothesline. Cole’s voice goes very high as he tries to sell how important this match is. Cole, you could have your balls removed and your voice wouldn’t go high enough to prove that this is an incredible match.

The two make it back to their feet but Legacy jumps them. See, it’s like I said. Randy Orton Kennedy’s Lillian and it’s a double-dq, which means no winner (including the crowd). Orton thinks this means he faces neither of them, which of course brings out The Million Dollar Man.

Triple threat match. Book it.

This has been for your consideration.

Remember, you can follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316.