The Way Too Long Review of WWE Extreme Rules 2009

“How can you be having a boycott if you’re buying the DVDs?  You’re still paying for their product.  Why not just download the shows off the internet like everyone else?”

First off it’s illegal.  I know that’s something that a lot of you net folk don’t seem to care about, but stealing is stealing says I.  It’s just plain wrong, no matter which way you try and justify it.  If you’re so damn convinced it’s alright to just take something for free because it’s online somewhere, why not prove how strong your conviction is by walking into a store and just taking a copy right off the shelf?  You’re not a thief, you’re an average internet user.

Besides, if I download it I can’t have it occupy shelf space so that everyone who comes over to my house can see what a complete and total loser I am.  On the other hand, although paying $15 for a show on DVD might seem like an endorsement to the product, it’s a significant chunk of change less then what I was previously paying for.  In fact, buying the DVDs instead of ordering the shows live yields a net annual savings of $350.

Anyway, I just looked over the match listing for this set and noticed that damn near everything is a repeat from the previous month.  Considering that I actually thought Judgment Day was quite good, this shouldn’t be too bad right?  RIGHT?

June 7th, 2009 (I bought this disc July 7th… damn that’s a quick release) from New Orleans.

Match #1: United States Championship
(c) Kofi Kingston vs. M.V.P. vs. Matt Hardy vs. William Regal

I’m still not sure what the point was in taking the title off of MVP.  Presumably it was to get him ready for a world title challenger slot, but instead they job him like a bitch on Raw to Triple H and now he’s stuck in a holding pattern.  And because he dropped the title cleanly to a babyface, he gets no heat off of the loss.  He just looks like a bitch.  Makes me wonder who he pissed off this time.  Did he not say hello to Droz or something?  Did he not plug the WWE enough when he went on The View?  Did they find out his son has Fragile X and they’re just keeping his profile low as a precaution?  Where’s Bob Ryder when you need him?  He’s usually good at finding out this stuff.

Big four-way brawl to start.  MVP and Kingston team up on Regal while Hardy bails.  He takes MVP out of the ring while Kofi takes out Regal.  He then planchas both guys on the outside.  Back in, he gets a crossbody off the top and on Regal for two.  MVP kicks Kofi in the face.  Shoot off and MVP goes for a shoulderblock but ends up knocking him head into Kingston’s and both guys take a hard fall.  They recover nicely and Kingston shoots off and hits a backelbow for two.  Regal saves and starts to brawl with Kingston.  He brawls Kofi around and puts him on the top rope for a butterfly superplex.  MVP ‘catches’ them but ends up botching his end of a tower of doom spot.  I’m starting to understand why the MVP push ain’t happening.  Horrible looking.  Matt Hardy comes in from the outside and tries a cover on all three guys for two, two, and two.  Clothesline to MVP and a side effect to Regal for two.  Scoopslam to MVP and a legdrop off the second rope gets two.  Matt goes for the Twist of Fate on MVP but Kofi saves and hits his huge standing dropkick.  Flying forearm to Matt, then Kofi scoopslams Regal onto Matt and hits the floating legdrop on both for two.  Regal gets dumped, then Matt misses a charge in the corner.  Kofi fakes out MVP and then kicks MVP through the ropes.  Awesome spot sees Kofi go for the tornado kick but Regal catches him and clutch suplexes him INTO Matt Hardy, leading to a sort of pinfall by Kofi for two.  Running boot by MVP to Regal, then an overhead throw to Kofi for two.  Matt saves and has a slug off with MVP.  Facebuster to Matt Hardy and he calls for the ballin’ elbowdrop.  He hits it, but Regal saves with a Greco-roman throw.  Ten punch by Regal, but Kofi takes his spot and tries his own ten punch.  Regal tosses Kofi off, who lands right on his fucking face.  Good lord, that looked nasty.  Greco-Roman throw to Matt Hardy, then Regal tries to dump Kofi.  Kingston holds onto the ropes and hits the tornado kick (Trouble in Paradise?  Horrible name for it.) for the pin.
*** Kind of sloppy, but train-wreck entertaining.

Earlier tonight, Josh Mathews gets an interview with Big Show.  He promises to embarrass John Cena and claims it’s impossible for Cena to hook in the STFU on him.

Match #2: Intercontinental Championship, No Holds Barred
(c) Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho

In a pretty clever way to progress this feud, Jericho posed as a Mysterio fan and attacked Rey while he did his traditional pre-match fan interaction.  Jericho fit in well, being roughly the same size as the average Mysterio fan.  Anyway, Jericho’s music hits but he doesn’t make his entrance.  Instead, he’s at the gimmick table and pointing out what a loser and hypocrite Mysterio is for selling his masks.  He makes his way to the ring, threatening to punch out any fan who reaches out and touches him.  They SO needed a plant right there for Jericho to reach out and smack.  Jericho tells the fans that some day the fans will release he speaks the truth, but they’ll be too old to do anything about it.  He then threatens to unmask Mysterio.  I was never the biggest Jericho fan but the run he’s been on since turning heel in 2008 is simply awesome.  Jim Ross proves once again he does his homework by saying Mysterio is proud of the fact that he’s the first masked IC champion in the title’s 30 year history.  Unless of course you count Kane, who held the title twice while still masked, once in 2001 and again in 2002.  Oh and then there’s the guys who wore paint to conceal their face, like the Ultimate Warrior or Goldust.  And don’t forget Chyna, who had so much plastic surgery that I’m sure it legally counted as wearing a mask.  But other then them, yeah, Mysterio is a total trailblazer.

Mysterio starts with a takedown and some mounted punches.  They go to the outside where Jericho gets slammed in the announce table.  Mysterio grabs the top of the table and whacks Jericho with it, then fires off a low dropkick.  Jericho fights back with a slam into the guardrail, but Mysterio flips over the stairs and dropkicks them into Jericho.  The flip was awesome, the kick to the stairs was horrible.  Hard kick to the leg and a slam into the stairs by Rey, then a slam to the guardrail.  I’m not totally sure I buy Mysterio tossing anyone, even a small fry like Jericho, around like this.  Mysterio fires off a rana from the apron, then tosses Jericho back in and drops a leg for two.  Kick to the gut and a nasty hot-shot suplex by Jericho.  Wrestling fans can not appreciate how much that bump hurts.  They should just do away with it because it never gets a big enough reaction to justify the amount of pain involved in it.  Slingshot into the bottom rope by Jericho gets two.  Choke with the foot by Jericho, then Mysterio tries to come back but Jericho shoves him off the turnbuckle and into the post.  Jericho goes for a springboard something but Jericho counters with a dropkick to his face.  WWE producer/miserable fuckwit Kevin Dunn decides to show a replay of the move we JUST FUCKING SAW FIVE SECONDS AGO that wasn’t even that good and as a result you have to squint at the smaller box to see Mysterio hit a very unique version of the 619.  The WWE really should have to issue refunds to the fans based on how stupid their production values are in every show.  Missed spot?  $5.  Missed awesome spot?  $10.  Maybe then they’ll get motivated enough to fire that miserable fuckwit and hire someone less retarded.

Anyway, Mysterio then hits a crossbody off the top and to the floor, then we go back in, where Mysterio goes for another 619, but Jericho avoids it and we get a double knockout of sorts.  Mysterio flips out of another move and starts to knot up Jericho’s legs with kicks.  Rollup gets two for Mysterio, then two for Jericho.  Mysterio rolls through another pin attempt and goes for a dropkick, but Jericho catches him and goes for the Walls.  Mysterio flips out of it and rolls him up for two.  Kick to the head gets two for Rey.  Mysterio bounces off the ropes and runs into a clothesline from Jericho for two.  Jericho tries to come up with something and throws a couple punches to stall for time, then shuffle-pucks Mysterio out of the ring, onto the floor and straight into the guardrail in a sick but wonderful bully spot.  Back to the outside, and I’m guessing they just remembered it’s no-DQ, so Jericho does a pancake suplex on the floor and onto the wrecked top of the announce table, then tosses him in for two.  Jericho goes for a chinlock, but makes it worth watching by ripping at the mask.  Mysterio fights off but is now more worried about the mask.  Jericho charges at Mysterio and ends up ramming himself into the ringpost at full speed.  Awesome!  Then Mysterio does an awesome Suicida through the ropes that looked incredibly graceful.  Loving this match.  Back in, seated senton and a head scissors by Rey, then his old fashioned snap-rana gets two.  Drop toehold leads to the 619 but Jericho counters into the shockwave for two.  Mysterio goes for another Rana but Jericho catches him and casually (but awesomely) turns it into a powerbomb.  Lionsault misses and leads to Mysterio hitting the 619 to the back of Jericho’s head.  Mysterio goes the spring-over splash but Jericho turns it into the Code Breaker.  Sick looking too.  The first time that move ever looked good.  Jericho covers… for two.  That really looked good enough to finish it, and sadly we’re heading into TNAish “Worst Move Ever Syndrome” territory.  I’ll explain later.  Jericho once again remembers it’s a no DQ match (not that I’m complaining about the lack of garbage brawling) and grabs a chair, but Mysterio dropkicks it into his face for two.  Mysterio covers his ass with the chair and then drops down on Jericho with it for two.  Cool looking.  He preps a chair in the corner, then fights of Jericho and drop toeholds him into it.  Mysterio springs off the chair for a rana, but Jericho catches him in the Walls.  Mysterio struggles to get the chair, but does so in a way where it doesn’t really seem like he’s selling the move.  Totally killed the effect.  Booooo!  Mysterio has trouble getting the chair set up the way he wants it, then maneuvers himself in front of Jericho and whacks him with it.  Jericho is set up now for the 619.  Jericho is waiting for him and manages to rip the mask off while he’s spinning around the ropes.  Mysterio is totally thrown off by this and Jericho rolls him up for the pin.  The insane look on Jericho’s face as he clutches the mask and holds the belt as an after-thought is brilliant.  But I’ve also noticed his smirk now makes him look like a midget version of JBL.  It’s disturbing.
****1/2 Really amazing match with lots of great spots in it.  The fluidity of the spots really made this amazing.  Everything transitioned so well that you never got the impression they were just going down a check list of all the neat stuff they planned to do before the match started.  Sadly, the spot that sticks out the most for me is the shitty Walls of Jericho with the chair spot where Mysterio failed to sell the move at all and killed the illusion of the match.  I might have gone higher on the rating, or maybe I just wouldn’t feel guilty for not scoring against it here.  Then again, the ending was simply awesome, logical, and progressed the angle.  Anyway, these guys have chemistry together and although I’m guessing there is no way they could hope to top this effort anytime soon, I still look forward to watching chapter three from The Bash once the DVD hits.

On a side note, the WWE is bat-shit insane if they seriously want to go forward with unmasking Mysterio.  WCW already tried that and, truth be told, they handled it about as well as WCW was capable of at the time.  It just didn’t work.  I hate to knock someone as incredibly talented and nice as Rey Mysterio, but the mask is really what makes him unique in the WWE and is his major selling point.  Ever since the WWE started to enforce their wellness policy, more and more smaller guys are coming in, and Mysterio is no longer the only little guy in the big man’s land of World Wrestling Entertainment.  Mysterio is barely decent on the stick and his personality alone can’t carry his end of merchandise sales.  If he is not outright defined by his mask, he is protected by it.  It’s what makes him stand out in a profession that rewards those who are best able to draw the attention of those watching.  He’s better left as “The little guy in the mask” then the “Little Mexican guy with the tattoos and the face of a ten-year-old.”  Less is more.

And I really should try to be this insightful BEFORE I crack the Chris Benoit jokes so on the off chance someone from the WWE reads this shit they don’t get offended and click off before I make any valid points.

Oh yeah, “Worst Move Ever Syndrome.”  It’s a theory I worked out a few years back while watching TNA.  You see, every wrestler in TNA has a move that is so ineffective at winning matches that it boggles the mind why they use it in the first place.  It’s called their finishing move.  Whenever a TNA wrestler hits this move, it’s like a character in a video game finding a something that restores their health.  Within seconds, the wrestler who took the move is fully recovered from all their injuries.  Because the object of wrestling is to damage your opponent enough to pin them, using a move that actually heals them is so stupid that the move deserves to be called the WORST MOVE EVER~! It takes various forms and guises, but no matter what it looks like or who’s using it, the WORST MOVE EVER~! has proven time and time again to be the most ineffective wrestling tactic since people started to punch Hulk Hogan while he was having a head rush.  The downside for the person taking the WORST MOVE EVER~! is that they suffer some form of temporary brain damage from the move and decide after recovering from it that their best option for the next course of action would be to fire off their own version of the WORST MOVE EVER~!, thus healing their opponent fully, leaving both guys fully charged and completely stupid for the match to finish with the BEST MOVE EVER~!, which in TNA is usually a rollup, interference, or a combination of both.  And in the event that someone hits the WORST MOVE EVER~! and actually scores a pinfall off of it, since it’s proven the move actually heals rather then injures, you can attribute someone being pinned by it simply getting bored and zoning off.  I wish they would use the power of these moves for good.  Just think, if A.J. Styles had been close enough to Michael Jackson to give him a Styles Clash as his heart was stopping, he still might be with us today.  Yes, every promotion has guys who kick out of finishers, but for a while TNA had it happening on every match, top to bottom on every card, television show, and pay per view.  I don’t know if they still do it now, because I would rather take up cutting then ever watch that shit again.

Meanwhile, Batista gets an interview segment, where he bitches about how stupid he was to accept all those muscle transplants from Mr. Kennedy.  “He was offering them cheap and I thought ‘hey, seems like a good deal!’  I would have taken the full package but Edge had already called dibs on his foot muscles.  No doubt the only part on that guy that was tear proof.  Anyway, I’m having buyer’s remorse, Josh.  I don’t suppose you have a quad you could sell me?”

Actually, he gets pissy at Randy Orton for punting Ric Flair and promises pain and suffering, promising to take his dignity and health.  He then broke three toes and tore every muscle in his crotch just walking away.

Match #3: Samoan Strap Match
Umaga vs. CM Punk
Special Stipulation: Winner will immediately receive the biggest push in his professional career, starting tonight.  Meanwhile, loser must take a piss test for wellness.  My, that’s an oddly specific stipulation for a match.

The look of motivation on Umaga’s face is amazing.  I’m sure it’s for the ‘push’ part of the stipulation.  Crowd could not care any less about this match.  This is the touch-corners rule, and the WWE even provides a graphic to show which corners have been touched.  What happened to the sirens in the corner?  That was cool.  Brawl to start, with Umaga hitting a back elbow and casually touching two turnbuckles, but Punk gets a move in and it has to start over. Punk hits two corners but gets whipped into a Samoan drop.  Umaga whips away on Punk and fires off a headbutt, then a diving headbutt.  Umaga drags Punk to the corner and tugs his arm into the turnbuckle, then slams his hand on the stairs.  Back in, Umaga fires off a disgustingly sick hotshot suplex on the ropes, then kicks Punk to the floor in a sick bump.  He gets two corners but Punk fights back once he gets on the apron with a springboard clothesline.  Punk tries for the GTS because he’s retarded but Umaga is too big and fires off a spinkick.  Splash in the corner misses for Umaga and Punk crotches him using the strap.  Punk then whips him by the strap into the corner.  Once again, I don’t buy a guy of Punk’s size moving around a guy of Umaga’s size by his strap.  Match structure is illogical.  Punk gets three corners but Umaga slings him away from the last corner and into the spinning side slam.  Umaga gets three corners but then is forced to charge and Punk and gets low bridged out of the ring.  Punk gets three, but Umaga slings him away.  Umaga climbs but gets slung off by the strap.  Todd Grisham describes this as an ‘innovative move, using the strap as a weapon.’  Jesus Christ, Todd, it’s a fucking strap match.  The point is it’s a weapon.  Punk gets three corners, then Umaga charges and actually gets caught in the GTS, leading to Punk hitting the final corner to win it.  Look closely and you can see Umaga pull out his cell phone and place a call to Jeff Jarrett.
* Not good and poorly structured.  Both guys are talented but the mismatch in size called for the match to be structured around Umaga’s weight advantage, and it wasn’t at all.  Punk was able to both maneuver and throw Umaga around by the strap, and also stop his momentum simply by bracing himself and holding on tight.  A more logical and realistic structure would be Punk being completely manhandled by the big guy and then having to resort to outwitting Umaga and using his smaller size to squeeze by him and hit the corners.  I get they want to prove that Punk is strong enough to hit his big move on a much larger guy, but considering what would happen later in the show, the focus should have been more on how resourceful he is.  A big time wasted opportunity.

Match #4: ECW Championship, Hardcore Rules
(c) Christian vs. Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer

Christian, looking downright haggard, tries to cut a witty promo on Tommy Dreamer but fails as epically as possible.  Needed more dead wrestler jokes.  Then Dreamer comes in and stinks up the promo even worse.  Swagger then arrives to say his lines, but both the losers get away from him, presumably because Marty McFly dumped him in manure earlier and he smells bad.  The babyfaces threaten to double team Swagger, who bails.  Christian stands back and lets Dreamer get stomped on as he gets back into the ring.  Powerslam by Swagger, who dumps Christian.  Northern Lights Suplex to Dreamer and Swagger has cleared the ring.  The babyfaces load up on weapons, then take turns beating on Swagger with them.  White Russian Legsweep to Swagger, but Christian breaks up a pinfall and beats on Dreamer with a garbage can lid.  Dreamer hooks Christian up with a kendo stick and hits a crazy looking half-nelson suplex thing with it.  Swagger goes after Dreamer and gets dumped to the outside.  Dreamer to the apron where he places a garbage can behind his own head and does a flip off the apron and onto both the guys on the outside.  Yipes.  Back in, Dreamer clotheslines Swagger with the cane and then ties him up in the tree of woe.  We take forever in setting up the next spot, which involves Swagger hanging upside down like he’s the catch-of-the-day with a garbage can next to his head.  Dreamer goes to do a dropkick onto the can, but Christian stops him, then does the move himself.  I’m guessing Swagger was taking a nap.  Christian brawls Dreamer out of the ring, but Swagger is awake and angry, so he beats on Christian with the cane and hits a clutch belly-to-belly for two.  Press-slam gets two.  Swagger preps the turnbuckle pad, but gets smacked in the hand with a kendo stick.  Christian hits the reverse DDT for two.  Dreamer scoopslams Christian onto a garbage lid but misses an elbow off the second rope.  A minority of fans are chanting for Dreamer.  Like maybe twenty or so, near the hard microphone.  This is enough for the announcers to proclaim Dreamer the sentimental favorite.  Most of the fans don’t care who wins as long as they see tables.  Springboard splash by Christian is met with a garbage can to the face by Swagger.  In the ring, Dreamer connects on Swagger with a kendo stick but gets slammed anyway.  A couple garbage cans get prepped and we get a tower of doom spot on them, with Dreamer getting the worst of it.  Fans attempt to chant holy shit, but it turns into an “oh my god” chant.  Weird.  I wasn’t aware audiences wanted to be TV-PG as well.  No swearing?  Fuck that.  Christian grabs a crutch and goes for the Killswitch but Swagger tosses him into the exposed turnbuckle.  Dreamer breaks the crutch over Swagger’s head and hits the DDT… for the pin?  For real yo?  He gets a shockingly big pop for it, considering the fans were totally cold to him through-out the match.
*1/2 Neither Christian or Dreamer do anything for me, and I also hate stupid hardcore matches.  That said, this wasn’t that bad, and was kind of quick.  Swagger would have to slum it in ECW another month before he was saved by a move to Raw.

Meanwhile, Vickie Guerrero preps for her match with Santina.  Dear god.

Match #5: Hog Pen Match
Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina Marella

You have to admire the pigs.  They totally ignore everything going on and just sit back, eating.  BUT WAIT~!  Vickie makes the match a handicapped match and throws Chavo into the mix as well.  She orders Chavo into the hog pen.  Chavo takes his shoes off first, but realizes this was a mistake and winces when he steps in.  Santina throws a handful of dirt and shit at him.  Chavo responds by beating Santina down and stomping on him.  He rubs some of the crap in his face, then loads up for a piledriver.  Because he’s an idiot.  He gets backdropped, but still fights off Santina and throws slop in his face.  He goes to toss Santina in the hog pen, and look at those pigs run for cover.  Santina reverses and Chavo gets tossed in with the pigs.  Back in, he rolls up Chavo for two.  Chavo then murders Santina by smothering him in the dirt.  Tag to Vickie, but Santina was playing dead and grabs the slop bucket.  Chavo cuts him off, then goes to slop him.  Santina ducks and Vickie gets covered in it.  Love her hilarious sell-job of it.  Chavo gets a slop bucket put on his head, then Santina laughs and pushes Vickie into the crap for the pin.  After the match, Vickie and Chavo have a moment and end up rolling around in the shit a little more.
* I can honestly say that was the best hog pen match I’ve seen.  Stupid but harmless.

Meanwhile Goldust, who’s apparently stuttering again, declares that Vickie smells like shit……….taki mushrooms.  The pause was a bit too long I’m guessing.  This leads to them ending up meeting with Edge.  She’s pissy that Edge didn’t help her earlier.  She declares that Edge will get no help in retaining his belt.  Edge asks for a divorce.  The next night, Vickie called it a career.

Match #6: WWE Championship, Steel Cage Match
(c) Randy Orton vs. Batista
Special Stipulation: Winner gets to take a vacation to Alabama to visit Dr. Andrew’s Day-Spa.  Weird.

Orton tries to bails right off the bat, but Batista catches him.  Orton punches him off and tries to escape again.  Man, they’re not wasting any time here.  Batista catches him and tosses him off.  Batista starts to shoulderblock Orton in the corner, then into the cage, but on a the third one Orton jumps out of the way and Batista wipes himself out.  Orton tries to bail but gets caught and pulled off.  Clothesline and a suplex gets two.  Batista grinds Orton’s face into the cage, then shoots off but lowers his head into a kick.  Orton doesn’t care about offensive maneuvers and goes for the door, but Batista cuts him off.  Clotheslines in the corners, but Batista gets shoved into the cage then eats the wrap-around backbreaker and Orton starts to bail again.  He makes it out the door but gets caught and pulled back in.  Batista tosses him into all the sides of the cage, then powerslams him for two.  Orton hits a bad looking drop toehold that sends Batista into the corner.  Stompery in the corner, and Orton thinks about the punt but chooses not to.  You should have punted him, Randy.  Spinebuster and Batista loads up the powerbomb, but Orton backdrops out of it and sends Batista flying into the cage.  Standing dropkick that looked awesome sends Batista into the cage, then Randy goes to escape.  But then he sees Batista laying prone for the punt and decides to try it.  Batista moves out of the way, so Orton quickly tries to climb out.  Batista catches him and goes for the powerbomb, but Randy struggles against it, then punches his way free.  RKO attempt but Batista shoves off of it, sending Orton into the cage, and the loaded powerbomb finishes.  That was brisk.
***1/4 Short but well done given the limitations due to Batista’s injury.

Up next: the biggest challenge of John Cena’s career.  Right, because after winning four world title matches at Wrestlemania, a submission match against the world’s largest jobber is really going to weigh in on his mind.

Match #7: Submission Match
John Cena vs. The Big Show

Big Show asked for a submission match, presumably because he’s a retard.  What’s the point in even having this shit?  Cena won cleanly at Judgment Day.  I’m fairly sure he won every other match he ever had against Show to this point.  Michael Cole points out that Show was the WWE.com Superstar of the Day!  Wow!  What an accomplishment!   I have no joke to add, although I think we should now waterboard Cole.  Just on principle.  Speaking of which, if the WWE wants to pop a monster buy-rate for a show, they should offer Sean Hannity $20,000,000 to get waterboarded at Wrestlemania this next year.  What’s that have to do with wrestling?  Nothing I guess.  Neither does Donald Trump, Budweiser Cat Fight Girls, or Kevin Nash but they still got paid to show up.  Anyway, pay him the money but don’t give him the option to throw in the towel like Mancow did.  Go all the way with it.  I’m telling you, huge buy-rate and DVD sales through the roof.

Both guys put up their dukes and act like it’s a boxing match.  Cena tries to kick at Show and gets caught and clotheslines him.  Show goes for the camel clutch but Cena avoids it.  Cena gets caught on a kick again but ducks a clothesline and slugs away.  Off the ropes where Cena runs into a big kick.  Show brawls Cena into the corner then hits a stinger splash on him.  Whip to the corner but another splash misses.  Cena goes off the ropes to go for a bulldog but Show casually shoves him out of the ring in a decent bump.  Show brawls him around and tries to tie him in the ropes, Cena fights back, hits the flying shoulder but it doesn’t work and Cena bounces off of him.  Shoulderblock, then Show talks trash.  Headbutt and Cena is selling being out of him feet pretty good.  It won’t last.  Full nelson attempt by Show, which Michael Cole could be a submission hold.  Given that the WWE pushed a guy for a couple years who used that move as recent as three years ago, I would say that’s a given Cole, you fucking douchestain.  Cena escapes it and grabs a sleeper hold.  He drops Show to one knee with this, despite the fact that the move looks like poopie, then Show slings him off.  Alley Oop by Show leads to a double knockout.  Show recovers first and knees away at Cena.  Peck slapping follows, then Show cuts off a Cena slugout and swats him down again.  Punch to the gut and a suplex, followed by standing on his ribs.  He then lets go of it.  Why let go?  Presumably it could have been an effective submission hold.  He then chokes with the ropes, but Cena escapes.  Headbutt and then Show steps on Cena.  Honestly, this isn’t that bad.  Way better then last month’s much slower crapfest.  Show climbs for the pump splash, but Cena moves out of the way.  John goes for a scoopslam but Show falls on top and grabs a bear hug on the canvas.  And what do you know, Show works the move a little.  Cena knees his way out of it, then walks into a chokeslam attempt.  Cena blocks it, so Show just pie-faces him out of the ring.  To the floor, where Show picks up Cena and rams him into the ringpost.  In the ring, Show slaps on an abdominal stretch.  Cena slowly loosens the grip, so Show goes for the chokeslam again, but this time Cena hits a DDT out of it.  Cena springs up and goes for the STFU but Show turns around and kicks him out of the ring.  Cena fights off Show on the apron and climbs, but Show catches him coming down with a bearhug.  Cena breaks the hold and hits the blockbuster.  He’s alive!  Five knuckle shuffle hits, which brings Show to life and he goes for the chokeslam again, and again it fails.  Cena hits the FU and goes for the STFU but Show elbows out.  Both guys up, where Show hits the knockout punch.  Jesus wept.  If you’re going to use a shitty punch as your finisher, at least make it a heart punch.  To the floor where Show loads up Cena, but Cena wiggles out and pushes Show into the guardrail.  Both guys go to climb in the ring, and Cena spots an opening to hit a legdrop off the top as Show is climbing into the ring.  He then ties Show’s leg up in the ropes and that somehow finally allows him to tie Show’s foot in the ropes for the ST part, then slaps on the FU part and Show taps.
**3/4 Longish but not as blatantly boring as the previous pay per view match between these two was.  I truly think there’s a good wrestler somewhere in the Big Show, but his matches aren’t structured in a way that allows him to assert himself and make his mark.

Match #8: World Heavyweight Championship
(c) Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

Ladders are set up everywhere, around the ring, on the stage, and they even removed the stick from Jim Ross’ ass to put a ladder in there.  This is how you do it.  That way they don’t have to spend ridiculous amounts of time pulling out and prepping ladders.  Lockup to start.  Edge takes him to the corner, then Jeff takes Edge to the corner, and the fans don’t make any noise because all they care about is watching the two guys kill themselves.  Scoopslam by Hardy and a legdrop, but Edge fights back and sends Jeff to the corner for a shoulderblock, but Jeff fights back with a pancake suplex.  Jeff bails to grab a ladder but Edge baseball slides it into him.  Edge tries to grab a ladder but Jeff stops him with a running forearm and we go back into the ring, sans ladder.  Jeff blocks a shoot off and ends up backdropping Edge over the top and into a ladder.  Jeff preps a ladder but Edge stops him.  Edge and Jeff try to do something but end up botching it.  They botch it in a good way, with Jeff falling onto a ladder, which is all anyone really wants to see in this kind of match.  Whip the corner by Edge, then he preps a ladder in the corner to step up for a spear, but Jeff leapfrogs it and Edge eats metal.  Momentum kick by Jeff into the ladder and into Edge.  They take a bit too long to sell this, then Jeff sets up for a dropkick into the ladder but Edge moves and Jeff eats it.  The ladder then falls over onto Jeff.  Edge preps Hardy’s leg inside a ladder, smashes his leg in in.  Edge hooks in a sharpshooter with the ladder, then grows bored of it before Jeff gets crippled.  He dumps Jeff and starts to climb for the belt, but Hardy comes off the ropes with a dropkick to knock the ladder over.  Jeff preps a ladder upside down, then pancake suplexes Edge inside of it.  HUGE GROANS from the crowd as that was just all kinds of nasty, with Edge’s torso smashing full force into the support braces.  Jeff grabs a fifteen-footer, then gives Edge the twist of fate.  Jeff preps the ladder away from the title belt, which I always bitch about, but this time he makes it work.  Jeff climbs to hit a legdrop off the top of the ladder, but Edge moves out of the way.  So Jeff rides the big ladder down and catches the belt harness to try and free the belt and win the match.  Edge grabs Jeff and yanks him down, with Jeff hitting his jaw on the ladder on the way down.  He also seems to have destroyed his knee as well.  Edge preps the big ladder in the corner, but Edge gets reversed and eats it.  Then Jeff fires off the whisper in the wind off the ladder.  Hardy grabs another ladder preps it a little off center from the belt, then opts to hit a cactus clothesline sending both guys to the floor.  Edge is up with a running boot to the face, and Edge should be able to win now.  Instead, he grabs another ladder and preps it between the apron and the guardrail.  He tries to suplex Hardy onto it, but Jeff blocks and rams him into the guardrail.  Jeff folds up one ladder, then folds up another and throws it at Edge.  Why is he clearing the ringside area next to the announce tables of the ladders?  Why, so Edge can have an excuse to whip him into the stairs.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a good bump, but it was so telegraphed they might as well advertised it before the show.  Jeff fights back and hits a running diamond cutter type move, with Jeff landing over the guardrail and Edge hitting it.  That was different.  Jeff places Edge on the bridged ladder and sets up for a legdrop on him, but Edge gets down and climbs the ladder Jeff is on.  It tumbles over and both guys fall through the bridged ladder.  Back in the ring, Jeff punches Edge into the referee, and I’m thinking, “ref bump… in a ladder match” but apparently it was just done to show how dangerous the matches are.  Both guys climb separate ladders, and Edge tries for a spear off of his.  Jeff catches it and turns it into a twist of fate off the ladders.  Awesome spot, and Jim Ross points out the continuity that Edge is famous for spears off of ladders in these types of matches.  Good stuff by Jim Ross.  Jeff climbs, but Edge catches him and tosses him off.  Jeff then yanks Edge’s feet through the ladder, trapping him.  Jeff is free to grab the championship belt and does so.
**** Typical ladder match, which delivered the usual spots with a few twists to make it different, and a pretty cool ending too.

BUT WAIT~!!

Jeff can’t celebrate because CM Punk is out to cash in his Money in the Bank contract.  Hell, it’s not like Jeff is all that damaged, as he got in a majority of the major offense in this match.  The minute Punk enters the ring, Jeff suddenly falls over in pain.  Maybe Jeff is from Krypton and Punk is really Metallo.  Hey wait a second… you can’t claim to be straight edge and use performance enhancing drugs like Kryptonite.  What a poser.

Match #9: World Heavyweight Championship
(c) Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk

Punk instantly snatches Hardy up in the GTS and hits it… for two.  BULLSHIT!  Listen up WWE booking fucktards, if you want to prove how tough Jeff is, don’t have him kick out of a finisher after going through a fifteen minute long ladder match.  That doesn’t make him look tough, it makes Punk look weak.  Have him wrestle the second guy for a bit.  Five minutes or so, maybe even hold his own, make it look like Punk made a mistake cashing in now, then let Punk hit his big move and win the match.  Ugh, it’s so simple a guy who had his brain transplanted with a bag of fruity delicious fruity fruity fruity skittles could have done better.  Anyway, Jeff fires off a small package for two.  Jeff is still flopping around like a dead fish, so Punk nails him with a big kick and hits another GTS for the pin and the title
No Rating, Title Change Angle

Hilarious reaction from the crowd as they don’t bother to actually boo the still babyface Punk, but they’re not happy either.  Punk’s hilarious victory celebration that’s supposed to get him over as an arrogant goody too shoes completely fails to draw him any heat.  But I’m loving his gimmick so far.  He can totally become the Kurt Angle for the next decade.

EXTRA FEATURE: We get a two minute long post-match interview with Chris Jericho.  He says he didn’t accomplish any goals, because they weren’t goals, they were guarantees.  He claims that this 9th IC title cements his spot in the Hall of Fame, barring any unforeseen homicidal psychosis I guessing.  He then promises to permanently  unmask him.

BOTTOM LINE: This show got a lot of mediocre to negative reviews shortly after it ended, but I think they were all off.  You get two four-star matches on one show, nothing to sneeze at.  You also get some really good mid-card stuff and a decent if short cage match.  The filler is kept to a minimum and by time we were done a lot of feuds were settled and the direction of Smackdown completely shifted.  Easy thumbs up.  It’s worth your $15.

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