Fans of True Blood go into each new episode expecting at least one of two things. One is that Bill will act like a douche. The other is that Sookie will get pissed because Bill is, well, just being himself. A sometimes lovable douche.
Not wanting to disappoint, Episode 2-3, Scratches, begins with Vampire Bill being a controlling douche as he speeds down the road all angry-faced. Sookie hasn’t really got pissed, yet. She’s just wanting him to slow down and stop acting like a…don’t make me say it. Hysterical, Sookie finally pulls out the, “But you’re scaring me!” card.
Really, Sookie? You’re sexing a 200 year old vampire who once ate people like they were value meals at Mickey D’s and a little Nascar driving’s freaking you out?
And this is how the third episode of True Blood’s second season begins. Bill being a douche? Check. Sookie pissed? Check.
In case you haven’t been paying attention thus far, Bill has been foster-parenting a little Vampire Brat, Jessica, that he made and expecting Sookie to be the loving stepmother to his little mistake. Only when she does, she winds up falling for the girl’s bloody (literally) tears over how much she misses her mom and sister and, after a blood-soaked weep fest, agrees to take the girl back to her home so she can just stare at them through the window.
You can imagine how well this went.
Of course, Bill had to pull Sookie and Vampire Brat out of this sticky situation that involved glamouring a good Christian family “within an inch of their sanity”.
Now we’re back to Bill being pissed. Pissed because Sookie disobeyed him. Pissed because Vampire Brat is a brat. Generally, he’s just pissed. To the tune of speeding down a lonely Louisiana road with an upset Sookie and a blood-crying Vampire Brat. Yes. I will continue to capitalize that. Sit down.
Finally, succumbing to Sookie’s demands, Douchepire Bill pulls off the side of the road with Sookie being Sookie and Vampire Brat crying in the backseat. Everyone hold on. Bill is about to get his asshole on.
Sookie tries to explain that all she was gonna do is give Vampire Brat a little peek. Save it, Sookie. Soon, Bill’s going on about how she undermined his authorit-i and didn’t you know that Vampire Brat was a “loaded gun” and it isn’t long before Sookie joins the long list of “Girls Who Get Pissed at Their Boyfriends and Threaten to Walk Home”.
Now, most decent guys wouldn’t let their girlfriends try to walk home on a lonely, backwoods road in the dark, but you gotta understand. Bill is a douche. I can’t really stress this enough. In fact, I hear that Massengill is considering suing True Blood over trademark infringement because of this guy. Even the Vampire Brat tells him he should go after her. Apparently, she has yet to fully understand the magnitude of his Douche-i-tude – despite being made into a bloodsucking vampire by him.
As Sookie makes her way down a road that would have caused Jason Voorhees to drop a load in his cover-alls, we know one of three things will happen. A. Michael Jackson and a dozen other zombies will appear and a dance-off will occur. B. An oversized lion will step out from the trees and pretend to be brave only to be slapped by Sookie, which will make him cry. Or C. The son of Pumpkinhead and Satan will step out from the darkness and slash Sookie in the back.
If you guessed C, you’re right. Add a Sookie-scream, Bill running to her rescue all too late and Vampire Brat pontificating about the grossness of Sookie’s foaming at the mouth and you’ve got what will soon amount to a trip to Fangtasia. Yes!
So Vampire Brat drives Sookie and Bill to Fangtasia, whines about never getting to go anywhere and is sent home with a stern warning from Bill. Because when you’ve got a loaded gun, what you do is send it out, alone, to drive on the dark roads of Louisiana and possibly eat a litter of senseless men. Nice shootin’, Tex.
This episode is all about everyone finding out the truth about one thing or the other. As Sookie is saved from her nasty Pumpkinhead-Satan scratch by a feisty old doctor, she finds out the truth about Lafayette (hint: He’s alive and in the basement, Sookie). This leads to her making a pact with the pretty-devil (not to be confused with the Pumpkinhead-Satan one) Eric to help him track down the vampire Godric in Dallas in exchange for Lafayette’s freedom. And, of course, $10,000 and allowing Bill to tag-along as well. Sookie is nothing if not shrewd.
As for Jason’s epiphany, he comes close to the truth about his newfound friends at the Jesus Hates Vamps Day Camp he’s attending and Tara realizes that, if a cougar starts giving you free pot and fruit, more than likely, she’s got a motive.
Unfortunately, Jason’s epiphany is short-lived. Thwarted as usual by a PYT getting on her knees. Only this time, it’s to pray.
And while Tara leaves the Den of Sin in disgust after realizing that she’s an extra in a really bad college porn film, who knows how long her realization will last. It would seem that Tara is a bit smarter than Jason, but we have to remember how long she harbored her crush for the aforementioned idiot.
Vampire Brat Jessica, left alone since taking Sookie to Fangtasia, is overcome with the urge to go huntin’ and winds up at Merlotte’s. Soon, she’s dragging a horny Hoyt back to Vampire Bill’s place where he teaches her how to play with a Wii. Unfortunately, that’s not the Wii she’s interested in and attacks him.
Lo and behold, when Bill and Sookie return, it’s a scene straight out of those cliché stories you always hear about where the preacher returns home to find his daughter fornicatin’ with the neighbor boy. Bill is pissed. Vampire Brat tries to explain that it wasn’t what it looked like (Oh, sweetie – it’s always what it looks like), but Bill’s just too much of a douche to listen to anything that silly girl has to say.
The episode ends with Sam taking a skinny dip only to be joined by his not-so-great waitress, Daphne. As she strips off her clothes to join Sam, we discover that she sports the same three-track scratch on her back that Sookie did before a little voo-doo doctoring and Bill’s blood cured her. Dun-dun-dun!
All in all, the episode was fun, though very little new information was revealed to the audience. However, at least Lafayette is finally free and maybe Tara will finally come to her senses about the witch that is Mary Ann. It also serves to finally get Sookie on the road to Dallas and, hopefully, soon introduce the vampire Godric.
