For Your Consideration…I’ll Spare You the Lame RAW Goes Green Jokes (aside from this one)

For Your Consideration…I’ll Spare You the Lame RAW Goes Green Jokes (aside from this one)

Welcome to the what now seems weekly FYC RAW recaps. I assure you it won’t be weekly after the Bar exam, but with my insane study schedule I just don’t have a lot of free time (aside from Monday nights). But, in two weeks, I’m heading to Tampa to take the test that will single-handedly decide my future…but no pressure or anything.

On the plus side, my beautiful and amazing fiancé and I are attending Smackdown tomorrow night at the American Airlines Arena. It’s her first foray into the world of live WWE events, so it should be a hell of a lot of fun for me getting to experience Smackdown with a newbie. To be fair, she did attend a live event with me back in February (ROH Proving Grounds Night 1), but there is a big difference for a casual viewer between four hours of wrestling featuring guys only well known to folks like us and the live extravaganza featuring household names that is WWE Smackdown. While she’s excited to share in my passion, she’s a bit upset that her favorite wrestler Edge won’t be there. I too am upset, but that’s mainly due to the fact that Jack Swagger and Evan Bourne were traded to RAW, so I won’t get to see them live. Eh, I think I’ll live.

Speaking of which, I’ll try to do some live tweeting (though I prefer the term twittering because it sounds vaguely dirty) from the show, so if you haven’t yet done so, go follow me at twitter.com/awheeler316.

Alright, onto more important things. Before the show starts, I want to take a moment and comment on Brock Lesnar and the UFC. While I do “get” why UFC is popular, and have even found myself enjoying fights, I still don’t enjoy UFC as much as boxing and pro wrestling. Mixed Martial Arts has an inherent disadvantage to the WWE because…well…its real. Being real means that there isn’t always a guaranteed “moment” in every match. Sure, there are some amazing UFC bouts that feature great knock outs, but there are also matches consisting of more rest holds than a Randy Orton/Khali match. Also, WWE looks cooler visually. This is an argument I perpetuated in a column a few months back (check the archives for the link), and while not a knock per se against UFC, it is a fair point that seeing Evan Bourne’s moonsault or a Stone Cold Stunner end a match is a greater visual then an elbow thrown while one guy’s on top of the other at an angle that’s impossible to see. Reality is relative, and for my entertainment dollar, I think I’ll stick with the WWE.

However, Brock Lesnar’s post-show interview was a thing of pure beauty. Paul Heyman and Jim Ross already made their thoughts known on the promo, but for my two cents, let me just say that if Brock were in pro wrestling right now, he would sell out every arena in the country. Lesnar booked himself one of the greatest storylines ever, and capped it off with a heel performance that rivaled Flair in his heyday. Brock trashed his opponent in prematch interviews. He refused to touch gloves. He was a sore winner, mocking his fallen foe. He taunted the fans. He mocked the sponsors. He gave the audience a show.

Dana White has struggled for over a decade to make UFC a legitimate sport. While his quest is noble, he has not yet (nor will he ever) stop the critics from bashing his baby. UFC is sports entertainment. ESPN openly mocks it. Mainstream sports media openly mocks it. The UFC is treated in the press like pro wrestling. The last thing White wants is for one of his competitors to deviate from the mentality that this is competition and turn it into…well…pro wrestling. I don’t blame White for being pissed that his biggest superstar of the moment just bashed his top advertiser, but I think that all of the “apologies” given by Brock were forced with one hand while the other hand counted the millions Lesnar just raked in.

UFC wants legitimate advertisers, and having a guy go out there and turn the sport into theatrics will scare away legitimate companies. No one is going to mistake UFC for baseball, but the big numbers and worldwide appeal is hard to ignore. For me, Brock’s antics worked because now there is a legitimate villain. The problem is that in real sports, villains don’t make people buy tickets, they make them tune out entirely. I could do an entire column just listing the athletes from the “Big Three and a Half” who have made asses out of themselves. I’m not so righteous as to say that athletes are all role models. What I am saying is that if the UFC wants to be a legit sport, they need to be careful with Lesnar. This morning I heard several UFC fans bitching about how Brock turned the show into a circus and how this was a bad thing. Sure, Brock’s antics will garner press (and get a casual viewer such as myself to take notice), but you run the risk of alienating your core audience.

Brock right now is set up to be “the man to beat”, and White needs to pick a babyface to take him off of his perch. But, as several writers all over the sporting world have pointed out, to be the man you gotta beat the man, and there aren’t a whole lot of men left that have a shot at beating Brock Lesnar.

Whew, mini-rant done and over with.

Signature.

Forget the lies, the money, we’re in this together.

We’re opening with the live arena and Triple H’s music. Some fan has a sign with their phone number on it. How did that not get confiscated along with all the pro-Savage posters?

One minute in and Cole made an ass out of himself by asking, “Are you ready to play the game?” There’s dated and then there’s dated. RAW is live from Orlando, the home of Wrestlemania 24, a show I sweated for hours in line to watch. The camera is taking extra special care to get shots of women going nuts, so that we the audience think that ladies want to nail Hunter. Seriously, the cougar shots are ridiculous.

Triple H plays up his entrance’s pop. We know he can get an initial pop. There’s no doubt about it. The problem is that about 2 minutes into the match, the audience just dies.

“In case we’ve been living under a rock…” Hunter starts as he does “Previously on Monday Night RAW.” Hunter’s job tonight is to introduce the celebrity host. I’m glad the WWE got an actual celebrity, because you can’t promise something and never deliver. This isn’t pro wrestling, it’s sports entertainment, and it’s real to me damnit!

Seth Green comes out to “Welcome to the Jungle”, which means WWE 24/7 is going to have to edit that out in future broadcasts. Green is mugging for the camera, and standing next to Hunter looks like he’s ten. Seriously, he is Mini-Me.

On a side note, why isn’t Hunter wearing pants? He knew he was introducing Green, how hard is it to grab some slacks?

Seth hasn’t learned how to talk into the mic, so he sounds horrible echoed. His first action is a six-diva bikini spectacular. Wow…stunning. Hunter compliments his “outside the box” thinking, and if that wasn’t an opening for a sophomoric joke, I don’t know what is. Rather than go that route, Hunter starts shamelessly plugging “Robot Chicken”. Triple H is apparently in the season premiere, which makes me wonder what happened to “Celebrity Deathmatch”.

Wow, even in “Robot Chicken” Hunter’s got the gold. Dakota Fanning is challenging Hunter for the title. She’s getting more convincing offense against him than MVP. Cena then shows up and turns heel on Fanning. Hunter clears it up and says that in real life he never jobbed to Dakota.

Seth Green compares Randy Orton to a whiny little girl, which actually got a pop. Hunter one-ups the HILIARITY by saying Orton has no penis. Guess that’s a byproduct of working in a pre-Wellness Policy WWE. Randy Orton, also not wearing pants, comes down to the ring. Seriously folks, are we just supposed to believe they all walk around in the back in trunks?

Randy and Hunter stare down each other in tanned hostility while the paler than Trevor Murdoch Seth Green watches on in mild amusement. Randy Orton is known around the WWE for having anger management problems. He’s the big daddy, and with one click, he’ll be pronouncing himself chuck and larry.

Hunter tries to play the Mick Foley role and tries to make a match with himself against Orton despite the fact that Seth Green is in control of a show that’s controlled by Vince. Take that, TNA logic!

Orton calls a spade a spade and asks why Seth Green is there. Not since Ben Stiller was promoting “Mystery Men” has a scrawny Jew seemed more out of place in the ring. Green makes a match between Legacy against Hunter and Cena and…Seth Green?! Look, I’m not all that smart, but stop me where the logic goes off the rails. Seth Green is a face. Seth Green has complete control. Seth Green could book the entire RAW locker-room against Randy Orton. Instead, he books essentially a handicap match that hurts Triple H and puts himself in mortal danger. And here I thought based on years of Heyman booking that us Jews knew how to book.

Kelly Kelly is walking in the back with a bright smile and a pink bikini. Well aright then, I think folks might just stick around.

Commercial.

Adelita’s Way is in the crowd, and they sang the actually decent WWE Superstars theme song. Sadly, it’ll probably get really old really quick. Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly and Mickie James are out first. I’m shocked that the ring crew were able to set up all of the props for this competition considering Seth Green just happened to make this match on a whim. Those WWE Production folks are a crack staff.

Maryse, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendes are out next in clear violation of the standard face/heel rules by having a larger quantity of attractive women. When even your heels are good looking, you know the Diva roster is deep.

Gail Kim and Alicia Fox start it off, and sadly Gail wrestling in her bikini isn’t as embarrassing as competing in TNA. Cheap shot? Sure. But since when am I the TNA apologist. Rosa Mendes gets tagged in and we get a glimpse of some of the ink on her. Gail tags in Kelly Kelly, who pulls off a daring handspring elbow considering there are a lot of things that could go wrong with her outfit. We’re talking Jackie Gayda bad (or good, depending on your point of view. So in the end, good.).

Alicia is back in and has a sleeper hold on Kelly Kelly, and I’m thinking this is the kind of match that less reputable sites could sell online for a large sum of money. Kelly crawls on the floor in her bikini to get a tag as we are reminded that the Divas are smart, sexy and strong…and not whores. Remember that, folks, we now treat these women with respect. As I say this, Mickie James is straddling Maryse. I love TV-PG RAW.

After all the women wind up in the ring, we end with Mickie and Maryse, and Maryse delivers that sick elbow for the full pin. After the match, for some reason, Maryse smacks Mickie’s boob. I thought this was for all audiences. Well, whatever young audience was watching this clearly hit puberty early.

Seth Green puts up an autographed picture of Lobot, who sadly is not figure skating. Jericho, in a slick suit, shows up to rip on Seth for making fun of “Star Wars” and the WWE. Hmm…wonder if those two entities have crossover fans? Jericho inadvertently promotes the Robot Chicken Bus Tour while burying it, which is a sign of awesomeness. Seth then throws Jericho out of the building, but Chris isn’t going to leave. I thought Seth Green had absolute power. Did he not read the script?

Commercial. 12 Rounds sold eighteen billion DVDs.

We get a replay of the Useless Colons imploding, which brought me nothing but joy last week. Too bad there wasn’t a glass window.

We hear generic Spanish music, which I guess is Primo’s song. Primo doesn’t even get a full intro, which I guess means he’s destined to be the jobber in this feud. Useless Primo and his ridiculous mustache calls out Carlito in at least two languages, which draws out…The Miz? Oh how the mighty have fallen. The guy goes from a feud with John Cena to a feud with Marty Colon.

Miz is using this as an opportunity to try and nail Maryse, so I guess you can’t blame him. Thankfully, it sounds like Miz still has some solid heel heat, but a match with Primo should effectively kill any residual affection from the crowd. The match has been high impact and quick, and really has the look and feel of an old “Challenge” match.

The audience, clearly trying to stay awake, start a “Primo” chant. I’ll chalk that up more to the fact that the audience hates Miz rather than admit that anyone actually roots for the sloppy Colon. Carlito is out now, and I will point out that he is wearing jeans. Those jeans allow him to distract Primo, who gets nailed with a faceplant for the pin. Lawler said he hopes Miz isn’t proud of that, but a win is a win. As Dusty used to say, “He goin’ to tha pay windah.” Guess we know why Dusty isn’t on commentary.

After the match, Carlito kicks Primo while he’s down and starts chewing an apple. Welcome back, heel Carlito. Lawler is appalled that Carlito would do that to his own brother. Undertaker buried his own brother, but THIS is awful.

Lawler and the still tie-less and casual Michael Cole introduce shots of Edge in a hospital bed.

We get a graphic of Legacy against the star of “Blade Trinity”, the star of “The Marine” and the star of “Idle Hand”.

Commercial.

We’re back with footage from Superstars where the former ECW Champion couldn’t beat a midget.

Hornswaggle is in the back with Seth Green and Seth books a rematch where Carlito has his arm tied behind his back. Remember when I thought that Chavo was in line to be the next GM? Yeah, not so much anymore.

Speaking of big disappointments, the Big Show is standing behind Seth. Seth asks Show for advice, despite the fact that Big Show has jobbed to at least three of the men in the main event. Show then does a quick face turn to start doing the “One Million Dollars” pinky, but then promptly turns heel again and leaves.

I hear a clock ticking, so it’s either the sound of Abraham Washington’s career winding down or its MVP. Seriously, Washington is terrible. Awful. Please WWE, fire him. I’ll let you keep Cole. Just release this guy. He’s worse than Ricky Ortiz, and any reader knows how much I despise Ortiz.

Lawler pimps Valvoline as Jack Swagger comes out in a sharp new singlet. Guess we’re not letting this feud simmer. Jack starts doing push-ups before entering the ring. Thankfully he’s not the Ultimate Warrior and doesn’t get blown up. I do wish that we would have gotten a replay of Swagger’s comments from last week instead of having Cole and Lawler try and recap it. On the plus side, the audience starts an MVP chant, which means this feud might actually help both superstars involved. Think of this as the anti-Kane/Khali.

Swagger gets chased to the outside and starts yelling at Cole, making him a face in my book.

Commercial.

We’re back as the match rages on. That’s right, rages on. Not a racial tension joke, mind you, just a general comment. Swagger throws MVP into the post to counter the Playmaker, and Cole plays the role of White Man’s Guilt as he talks about how Porter made amends for his sins. Cole takes umbrage to the fact that Jack Swagger won’t fight criminals. How is that something to object to? Would you want to get in the ring with a guy who was in prison?

Jack does the great running splash of the second rope (a Vader Bomb-ish move if you will) for two. Lawler says that Swagger has raw talent. Either that or he has RAW talent. It has two meanings. Jerry hasn’t even been elected yet and he’s mastering the art of double-talk. MVP now has Jack set up for the Ballin’ Elbow as Cole tries desperately to be liked by the African American community by mentioning Dwight Howard.

Jack goes for the injured arm and hits the gutwrench powerbomb for the clean win. Wow, that feud sure ended quickly. MVP really can’t come back from losing clean after dominating the match. What’s his leverage? While I’m all for clean wins, you gotta wonder where this is going. Jack continues his new annoying habit of mouthing his song lyrics as we get a shot of Jericho walking in the back with a black binder. Jeez Chris, that’s sloppy when you bring your script to the ring.

Commercial.

Did you know visitors spend more time on WWE Universe then they do on real social networks? That’s probably because the site is so hard to navigate.

Cole and Lawler use the serious big-boy voices to talk about Edge’s injuries. We now get still shots of the surgery. I would love to hear the doctors talking about how fun it is to try and perform serious surgery while being photographed by a bunch of Japanese guys in all black.

Jericho is coming to the ring not only in pants but in a full-on suit. He’s here to wake us from a deep sleep, and he means business because he has the pursed lips. We see the copyright logo in the bottom of the screen, which means someone better wake Cole and have him remind us what show we’re watching. Sure enough, as I’m typing it, he says it.

Jericho said he is holding the tag belts as one man and that he is the best in the world. Jericho compares Edge to Achilles, which is kinda awesome. Jericho then lists off all of Edge’s injuries and calls him the weak link. Chris said he can’t defend the belts by himself, so I hope he names a tag partner. Will it be Kendrick? Ziggler? This could be a huge opportunity to elevate a new superstar. I hope they don’t blow it. Chris opens his binder and points out that the contract has a clause stipulating that Jericho can name a new partner. Ignoring the ramifications of a personal service contract, I will say that’s awesome. Jericho said his partner will be truthful, honest and just. This draws out…Mark Henry?! Oh please dear sweet merciful crap no.

Whew, Henry is smiling. I won’t say that this means that Henry isn’t truthful and honest, mainly because I don’t want to undo all of the good Cole has done to single-handedly repair racial tensions. Chris Jericho puts over Mark Henry as the type of partner Jericho would want, but Mark puts his sweaty, sweaty hand around Jericho’s neck and talks about how the two of them could do great things. Anyone else getting a gay vibe right now? Henry said he isn’t there to be his partner, and the slow retreat of Chris’s smile is a thing of pure genius. Mark Henry came out there to be his opponent. And now, for the first time all night, it pays for Jericho to come out in tights because Henry is ripping the suit to shreds.

Week one, Henry beats a broken down Randy Orton. Week two he gets a count-out win against 85 pound Cody Rhodes. Week three he jumps Chris Jericho. On the plus side, Jericho is still wearing his tie. What the hell was the point of this, other than to avoid us having to see Henry in a match?

Well, Chris is still pacing back and forth outside the ring and draws MASSIVE heat. Lawler calls out Jericho to get in the ring despite the fact that Jericho isn’t dressed. Chris goes in the ring and gets jumped by Mark Henry. Jerry Lawler tells us that Seth Green has made the match official. It was made official AFTER a ref was in the ring and AFTER the bell rang. Seth, you come from the world of scripts, I’m begging you to read this one.

Henry is treating Jericho like a jobber, and Jericho gets bounced to the outside. Thankfully, Jericho is fleeing. Smart man. These short Mark Henry matches are designed to get him over without making him wrestle, which is the only way you can get him over. Henry stands in the ring smiling as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back with a shot of Disney World…and now Hornswaggle. Poor Chavo. Who knew Kerwin White wouldn’t be the low point (no pun intended)? We get a second replay of this (yet zero replay of the MVP/Swagger interview) and Lillian “Adios” Garcia reminds us that Chavo must tie an arm around his back. Lawler says that Cole has gotten tied up a lot, which is a disturbing thought.

Hornswaggle is biting Chavo and wailing away on him as Lawler reminds us that Mini-Me exists. The things Chavo will do to keep his job. Chavo gets a stinkface, and I’m begging to think getting future endeavored might not be the worst thing in the world. Please let Chavo squash the midget and let’s get on with our lives. Chavo goes for the Three Amigos but gets caught in a small package. Wait…Lawler makes the small package joke. Hilarious. Can’t stop laughing. Hard to breathe. It’s going dark. Goodbye cruel world.

Randy Orton and Teddy Rhodes are in the back and Orton is putting over Teddy’s decision to slap his father. Orton’s ears are elf-like. Next week’s host is going to be The American Dream. Wow, I start throwing out the Rhodes references and he appears. Is it time to break out the Sunny references. Randy Orton then utters a line I never thought I’d hear on WWE TV, “No one touch Seth Green.” Well, that or “let’s do what’s good for the industry.”

Commercial.

Kofi comes out in pants for commentary. Evan Bourne comes out and we see Seth Green in the back getting ready for action. We cut to two girls screeching for Evan Bourne as Big Show comes out to squash a once promising talent. Kofi on commentary sounds confused but drops names like Dean Malenko and Steve Austin with regards to the US Title to regain some cred.

Show and Bourne start replaying old Big Show/Mysterio matches as we learn that the winner of this match faces Kofi Kingston at Night of Champions. On top of it, Kofi Kingston faces Show on Superstars, which means Show is working double-duty tonight. Look for this to be a short match then.

Show slaps Bourne something fierce and launches him as we learn the name of his lame camel clutch is the colossal clutch. Kingston then calls Big Show a colossus, and I pop for the mention of my favorite X-Man. Evan Bourne is still a spot on the mat as Show just tosses him from the ring. I wish Bourne would win so we could see Kingston/Evan on PPV, but there’s no way the WWE can afford to not have Big Show on pay-per-view. Big Show spears Evan Bourne and Bourne is dead. The Colossal Clutch is locked in and it’s over. Generic new black referee demands a rope break, but Kofi comes in to do it himself. The crowd slightly comes alive as Show stares the champ down, who just ripped off his own shirt. Bad night to be expensive wardrobe.

Cole and Lawler again recap tonight’s main event as Cole starts pimping more Robot Chicken. We get footage of Boba Fett killing Ewoks and hooking up with Leia.

Commercial.

Sick Puppies are there as tonight is generic modern rock band night. Guess it’s too bad about Edge’s injury or AlterBridge would have gotten their shot at face time.

In the back, Santino is playing with toy versions of Sheik and Santino Marella. Santino even drops the “I will humble you” as Trish shows up and makes out with Santino. The real guy asks for a job on Robot Chicken before Cena and Hunter show up. I haven’t been this pumped to see a Jew main event RAW since Barry Horowitz.

Cena screws with Seth Green and we find out that Green is 5’4. Short but still taller than Mysterio. Cena and Hunter fight over who is going to protect Green. Cena ends it by saying that they both know Seth’s going to get killed. Super de-duper.

Cole asks us to bare with us and our guest host for next week is…ZZ Top. So what was the point of talking about Dusty as the host?

Commercial.

We’re back as Legacy hears some voices. Its 10:49 for their entrance, which means we get the super slow walk to the ring. “They don’t call Randy Orton the viper for nothing.” Yeah Cole, they do. He doesn’t really bite people and shoot poison into their veins.

Seth Green comes out first, looking smaller and smaller by the minute. He’s like mid-90’s Hogan. Triple H comes out next. Jeez, can’t get some team unity from the faces? Cole blurts out a complete lie as he says that Hunter is in the best shape of his life. Cena comes out last and Cole says this is what RAW is all about. Long entrances that shorten matches? You bet.

Commercial. Can’t remember the last time we got a commercial that early.

We’re back with Hunter pounding on Cody as Cole informs us that Hunter and Cena already exchanged a tag. We get another one live. Why not just save that moment for the cameras?

John wails away on Cody as the crowd demands Seth Green. Seth gets tagged in as Cody is being held back. Seth hits a fairly stiff looking right hand, but Cody gets back to his feet. Seth runs out of the ring and the chase is on as Hunter, hiding behind the steel steps, jumps Cody. Green gets a two count before tagging in John Cena.

Lawler points out that Green held his own. This coming from a man who openly sold for one of my idols, Andy Kaufman. Now THAT was how to use a celebrity properly.

Orton hits the second rope DDT on Cena, a move that always gets 2. Sure enough, 2 count.

Marine Part 2 wails on Marine Part 1 before tagging in Cody. Cody tags in Orton, but Cena tags in Hunter, who has taken out Legacy on his own. Spinebuster on Orton and goes for the Pedigree but things break down. Orton RKO’s Hunter as Cena is on the outside. Seth Green is in the ring and breaks up the cover. The look on Orton’s face is awesome.

I wonder if Green can take a bump? Orton kicks him in the stomach and Seth sells it like a champ and Randy is going to punt him in the head.

Cena stops it by spearing Orton, but Legacy attack John. This main event might be ridiculous, but at least the audience is into it. The bell goes off for Cody just bringing a chair into the ring, so Hunter grabs a sledgehammer and almost hits Cena. Whoopsies. The two of them stare each other down and make peace. Well, kinda peace. Hunter’s heavy breathing and Cena’s heavy breathing and they both nod. Seth Green then saunters into the ring as the crowd chants “Seth” and the guy looks like he’s gonna cry. It’s actually nice to see a genuine WWE fan get a moment like that.

Legacy is posing at the top of the ramp as Hunter puts Green on his shoulders like a Make a Wish kid.

Copyright and we’re outta here.

This has been for your consideration.

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