Welcome Pulse Readers to tonight’s real-time coverage of WWE RAW! I’ll be here and on my Official Twitter Page all evening. You can follow me on Twitter by looking at my Twitter feed at the bottom of this live report.
Here is what is on tap for tonight’s RAW:
Seth Green is tonight’s guest host.
No matches have been announced.
Check back at the top of the hour for real-time RAW Coverage!
THE WORLD IS PLAYING THE GAME!
We quickly begin tonight’s RAW with Triple H. The crowd goes wild this week as he is ready to talk for about fifteen minutes. Maybe not. Wow is right. Triple H reminds us what happened the past month and he introduces tonight’s guest host…Seth Green.
Complete with music and video, Seth Green comes out to the ring. Oh God, he has the kicks. He is thrilled beyond imagination. We’re going away from PG tonight as he announces a six divas Swimsuit competition. Trips kisses up to Seth Green and they talk about Robot Chicken.
We get a sneak preview of Robot Chicken and this is the only chance you get to see Trips sell for a woman. Seth says that Trips has experience fighting whiny little girls like Randy Orton. He compares Randy to Dakoth Fanning – that they have no male genetalia. Of course this brings Randy Orton out to the ring. He has something that Trips doesn’t and that is the WWE Title. He then addresses Seth Green and tells him that he has anger management issues. Seth doesn’t look amused. Trips pleads for him v. Randy Orton tonight. Randy says that it shouldn’t happen, so Trips wants to do it right now. Randy has nothing to say to either man tonight. He then talks low to Seth Green, who isn’t a real man appearantly. Seth Green announces tonight’s main event. Legacy v. Trips/Cena/Seth Green.
Seth Green has big balls.
It’s divas…it’s swimsuits…and it’s NEXT!
Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Mickie James v. Maryse, Alicia Fox, & Rosa Mendez
What’s better than diva action? Diva action in bikinis. Fox and Kim start off and she pie faces her. Kim gets a rollup for one. Fox gets a two count on her cover. The fight spills in the corner and Kim gets a hurrancurana. Fox decks her and she tags in Rosa Mendez. She takes Kim in the corner, but Kim is flexible. Takedown by Kim and she tags in Kelly Kelly. Kelly hits a handspring elbow in the corner. She extends the leg and Rosa knocks her off the turnbuckle. Two count follows. Kelly looks hurt and Rosa takes advantage. Tag back to Fox and she nails a snapmare on Kelly. Kelly tries to get back to a vertical base and she is successful. She fends off Fox in the corner and she TAKES HER DOWN WITH AUTHORITY! Tag to Mickie and Maryse. Takedown by Mickie! She takes out the heel contigent and she nails the Mickiecurana! Up to the top and she hits a flubbed Thez Press for two. It’s balls to the wall and everyone takes care of everyone else. Maryse sends Mickie to the corner and she hits the spike DDT for the win!
Winners: Maryse, Rosa Mendez, & Alicia Fox Grade: C+
Seth Green is in his office and Chris Jericho is an invited guest, so it seems. Chris calls him an hypocrite and he says that Seth should had catered to him. They talk about the Robot Chicken bus tour and it pisses Chris off more. He asks Chris to leave since he is bringing negativity into the building. Chris won’t leave, and he tells him to stay out of his business.
Slam of the Week: Carlito goes off on Primo last week.
Primo is in the ring and he calls out Carlito. You’d think he’d get Carlito, right. Nope. He gets the Miz. It seems that Carlito had something better to go, so he’s out and the Miz is in. He’ll do the dirty work for Carlito in Maryse’s honor. OK.
Primo v. the Miz
Miz takes Primo to the corner. The ref calls for a break and Primo takes it to the Miz! Miz gets elevated with a back body drop, but he comes back to hang Primo out to dry. Pin attempt gets two. He droves the knee in Primo’s back and he follows with a chinlock. To the ropes we go and Primo hits a Russian leg sweep! He picks the pace up and he hits a dropkick! Pillar to post we go and CROSSBODY connects to Miz. Carlito comes out, but Primo ignores Carlito. Primo sees Carlito, gets distracted, and he falls to the Reality Check for the pin.
Winner: The Miz Grade: C
Carlito spits apple in Primo’s face to add insult to injury.
We discuss Edge’s injury a bit. We’ll find out what hapens with the tag titles tonight.
WWE Rewind: Chavo takes on Hornswoggle on Superstars…on his knees.
Seth Green puts Hornswoggle in a match against Chavo Guerrero with his arm behind his back. Big Show comes in and Seth wants some advice. Big Show asks him to watch his match with Evan Bourne to see how he’d fare tonight. He could give him advice for a cool million. HAHA!
Montel Vontanious Porter v. Jack Swagger
The bell sounds and they stare each other down. Swagger goes low and he takes MVP down with an amateur move. He mocks MVP and MVP slaps him silly. He gets pissed off and he takes it out on the commentary team. Commercial break upcoming…damnit.
We’re back and it is still a stalemate. Well, MVP did take Swagger off his feet and out of the ring. To the outside we go, Swagger turns into a clothesline. Back in the ring we go and MVP looks for the Playmaker, but he eats ring post instead. Swagger works on the arm and MVP is reeling. Pin attempt gets two as Swagger is in control. Hard scoop slam right on the injured arm and he does it again. He plays cocky and he connects with a splash for two. MVP cold cocks Swagger and he sends him to the corner face first. MVP drops the knee on Swagger and he…goes…BALLIN! That gets two. MVP gets sent to the ropes, but he holds on. MVP elevates Swagger over the ropes, but he snaps the arm off the ropes. Gutwrench Powerbomb connects and that’s all. Not bad for eight minutes.
Winner: Jack Swagger Grade: B-
Chris Jericho walks to the ring.
Did You Know: Visitors spend more time on WWEUniverse.com than MySpace, Twitter, & Facebook. However, the three aforementioned sites have more people than WWEUniverse.com.
We take a look at Edge’s injury in detail. Jerry Lawler says that Edge could be out a year or longer. Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring. He says that for the first time in WWE history, the tag titles are held by one man, Chris Jericho. He goes uber heel on Edge, saying that he took a huge risk and it blew up in his face. He says that Edge was the weak link and that he shouldn’t be punished for this. He can’t defend the title by himself and that the fans feel he should give the title up. Seth Green won’t put the titles on the line either. So, Chris Jericho had a clause inserted in his contract that if Edge got injured, Chris Jericho could pick another partner by Night of Champions.
Out comes Mark Henry. Weird. I was expecting Miz or Dolph Ziggler. He was the type of partner he had in mind. Henry takes the mic and he puts his arm around his back. They could do many great things. However, he didn’t come out to be his partner. He came out to be his opponent. Down goes Jericho and Henry hugely disrespects Jericho! Headbutt connects and he chokes Jericho out. A referee comes into the ring and this match is official?
Mark Henry v. Chris Jericho
Jericho takes his time to get back inside the ring. He teases getting inside, but he is scared of Mark Henry. He finally gets inside and Henry squashes him in the corner. He tosses Jericho around and it’s noted that this match was complements of Seth Green. Henry stands on Jericho and he comes back with a clubbing shot to the neck. Jericho floats over a suplex attempt, but he runs right into Mark Henry. He rolls out of the ring and he looks to be taking a countout loss.
Winner via Countout: Mark Henry Grade: D
The crowd goes mild on Mark Henry.
We’re back and Hornswoggle makes his way to the ring!
Hornswoggle v. Chavo Guerrero Chavo has to compete with one arm tied behind his back
The bell sounds and he kicks the back of Chavo’s leg. Chavo goes down to knees. Hornswoggle charges and he bites Chavo, to get out of the chokehold. Hilarity ensues as Chavo takes himself out in the corner. Kick to the head and he gets pinned for one. Hornswoggle rubs his ass on Chavo’s face and he eats a boot for his troubles. Chavo stands on Hornswoggle’s head and he wants him back up. He looks for a vertical suplex, but Hornswoggle rolls him up to go 2-0.
Winner: Hornswoggle Grade: F
Randy Orton has a heart to heart with Ted DiBiase. Ted vows that he’ll be better than his dad. Cody Rhodes comes in and he drops off Dusty Rhodes as next week’s guest host and he says that he has a GREAT relationship with him. Orton wants Rhodes & DiBiase to focus on dividing and conquering while he takes care of Seth Green personally.
Kofi Kingston is here for commentary tonight. Big Show seems to have an issue with both Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne.
Evan Bourne v. Big Show
The bell sounds and Evan gets tossed in the corner. He kicks away, but Big Show no-sells it and he drops Evan like a bad habit. Double Arm torture rack spinning slam connects and he continues to have his way with him. To the corner we go and Evan gets tossed like a rag doll. Evan tries to fight back, but the odds of winning that is zero. Big Show tosses Evan out of the ring. This allows Evan to regroup as he snaps the arm off the ropes. Missile Dropkick connects, but Show no sells it again and he hits the spear! The Colussial Clutch connects for the win.
Winner: Big Show Grade: F
Kofi comes in and he kicks Show out of the ring.
We talk about Robot Chicken once again.
We run down the card to Night of Champions.
Santino plays with WWE action figures and Seth Green is disgusted. Cena and Trips come in and Santino leaves the room. Cena jokes with Seth a bit. This is followed with Trips joking around. They bicker as to who is going to take Seth out to the ring. Cena stops it saying that they both know who’s gonna get killed.
Oh God…ZZ Top will be in charge next week on RAW. I’d prefer Dusty Rhodes over THAT.
Did You Know: 12 Rounds is the #1 DVD in America. Eat your heart out, Dwayne Johnson.
You’re telling me that they couldn’t use the new Legacy theme tonight?
The Legacy v. Triple H, John Cena, & Seth Green
We’re JIP as Triple H owns cody Rhodes in a brainbuster. Never seen Trips do that in a long time. Trips drops the knee for two. He decks Rhodes and he tags in Cena. Pillar to Post we go and Cena takes Rhodes down for two. Tag to Seth Green and he knocks Rhodes to his knees. Rhodes is back up and Green takes and runs away. Cover to Rhodes and that gets one. Tag to Cena and he hits a backdrop, but Orton hits the 3.0 Backbreaker! Cena rolls out of the ring. DiBiase attacks on the outside and it’s enough for Orton to get the tag. Sick DDT connects on Cena and he covers for two! Orton stomps away and he stares at Green, as if he’s telling him that this is his future. Tag to Rhodes and we get a double team. Full Nelson is cinched in, but Cody Rhodes is no Masterpiece. Cody is smarter than him as he takes Cena down before he could get any offense in. Tag to Orton and Trips! They brawl in the ring and Trips hits the high knee. Knee smash connects and Legacy is taken out. Trips hits the Spinebuster and he looks for the Pedigree. Legacy stops it and Cena takes it to them. Everyone is taken care of and Orton hits the RKO! Seth Green breaks the fall and Orton has him where he wants him. Kick to the midsection and he looks for the punt! Cena comes in and he tackles Orton to the canvas. Legacy stops the onslaught and the weapons come to play.
Winners via DQ (According to Michael Cole): Triple H, John Cena, & Seth Green Grade: B
Trips takes out anything that moves and ALMOST hits Cena. The two men stare at each other and they raise Seth Green’s arms together. They celebrate in the ring as the show ends.
The WWE RAW Report Card
Trips, Cena, & Seth Green d. The Legacy: B
Big Show d. Evan Bourne: F
Hornswoggle d. Chavo Guerrero: F
Mark Henry d. Chris Jericho via countout: D
Jack Swagger d. MVP: B-
The Miz d. Primo: C
Maryse, Alicia Fox, & Rosa Mendez d. Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Mickie James: C+
The FINAL Grade for WWE RAW 07.13.09: C-
What can I say? Two decent matches, two subpar matches, and three stinkers. Add on Seth Green and this makes RAW somewhat enjoyable. It would be nice if we would get a heel guest host, so to speak. I can’t really complain…much this week. See you Thursday night as I’ll be back for 10 Thoughts on WWE Superstars!