Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time RAW Report – 07.27.09

Welcome Pulse Readers to tonight’s real-time coverage of WWE RAW! I’ll be here and on my Official Twitter Page all evening. You can follow me on Twitter by looking at my Twitter feed at the bottom of this live report.

Here is what is on tap for tonight’s RAW:

Guest Host: You know him as “Shaq”.
“Big” Star Backstage: Batista

No matches announced as of this writing.

Come chat with me and other Pulse Wrestling writers here: Live RAW Chat

Jerry Lawler is in the ring to announce tonight’s guest host for RAW. Out comes the big man, dressed in black. He is in charge tonight and we’ll have a great time tonight. Shaq has Randy Orton’s opponent for Summerslam handy and it will be five men in a Beat the Clock Challenge. Triple H, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, & John Cena will be competing in matches and who beats their opponent the fastest gets Orton at Summerslam.

The walls get broken down as Chris Jericho makes his entrance. Jericho stands face to chest to Shaq and he gets a cheap shot in. Shaq interrupts and he kisses Jericho on the forehead calling him Christina. Jericho is rather embarrassed and he reminds us that he is the biggest star in the WWE and he demands to be consulted to and catered to by everyone in the company. It’s either that, or we will have problems. Shaq dumbs down to his size and Jericho calls out the Big Show, who is also in a suit. Both men stand exactly the same height and he talks Shaq down for his free throw abilities. So, Shaq wants to challenge the Big Show to a match right here right now. Big Show says that he could fight him, cripple him, and all that jazz…and he’ll start a war with the NBA. Show declines his challenge and Jericho decides to say no as well. Since the whiny girls won’t fight Shaq, he calls up his boys from Friday Night SmackDown…

CRYME TYME!

Big Show and Chris Jericho decide to leave the ring and Shaq makes himself an outside enforcer.

Commercials.

Beat the Clock Qualifier: Mark Henry v. Carlito

The bell sounds and Carlito tries to eat away the clock. We do this for about 30 seconds and we finally get some wrestling. Carlito runs right into the wall and he takes another powder. Henry chases him and he eats a dropkick. Back in the ring, Henry grabs Carlito’s fist and he gets a two count via a takedown. Back outside, Henry introduces Carlito to the retaining wall and we go back inside for a two count. Carlito ducks a punch and he hits a springboard, which doesn’t take Henry down. Carlito rushes and he gets taken down for two. Henry charges and he squashes Carlito. Carlito tries a comeback, but Henry extends the boot for TWO! Henry drops his ass directly to the canvas and Carlito scores a double leg drop for two. Off the ropes, Carlito scores a kick to the temple for two. Carlito makes a big mistake in applying a sleeper hold. This is proven as Henry backs Carlito into the corner to break the hold. Headbutt connects and he covers for two. Carlito tries a sleeper again and this time, Henry drops to a knee. Henry gets a second win and he gets out of it. Low dropkick connects and Carlito takes to the air. He gets caught and almost gets slammed. Carlito looks for the Backstabber, but Mark Henry is too big. Jawbreaker to Henry…World’s Strongest Slam gets the win!

Winner: Mark Henry in 6:49
Grade: C

The Divas are next!

Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Mickie James wins the Diva’s Title last night.

Six Divas Tag: Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kim v. Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, & Rosa Mendez

OH GOD MICHAEL COLE LEFT THE TABLE. Beth and Gail left the table and Gail takes it to her in the opening moment. Beth counters a hurrancurana into a tilt-a-whirl, and Gail counters to a headscissors. Beth tags in Alicia Fox and she hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. This is beyond horrible hearing King try to do PBP. Tag to Rosa and she scoops Gail up and slams her for two. Tag to Alicia and she hits a snapmare, but Gail uses her feet to take Alicia out. Mickie is in and she takes Alicia down with clotheslines. She gets distracted, but it doesn’t work. Neckbreaker connects for a two count. Mickie attempts the DDT, but Alicia counters. Headscissors connects on Alicia and Mickie hits the Thez Press. Blind tag by Gail and she connects with a Missile dropkick for three.

Winners: Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kil
Grade: D

Michael Cole is with Shaq playing interviewer. In comes Hornswoggle and Shaq gets down to a knee. They hug and Hornswoggle fails at dunking a basketball. Michael Cole acts like a moron and gets left alone.

Commercials.

Beat the Clock Qualifier: MVP v. CHRIS MASTERS

Let it be known that I am a Chris Masters mark. I’m shocked he has the same music. The bell rings and they lock up. MVP gets a quick cover for one. MVP tries for the quick covers, but Masters stops him cold. Masters gets whipped to the corner and MVP gets kicked in the head. Masters goes for the Masterlock, but MVP gets out of it before it gets locked in. Suplex from Masters gets two. MVP tries to come back, but MVP leaps over and attempts a rollup, but MVP rolls through. MVP takes it to Masters in the corner. Pillar to Post we go, but MVP misses the big kick and Masters tries the Masterlock again. Masters looks impressive tonight. He charges and he gets knocked down with clothesline for two. Another cover gets two again. Masters sends MVP out of the ring. MVP tries to get back in the ring, but Masters locks on the Masterlock and we get a Double Countout!

Result: Double Countout
Grade: D+

Commercials.

THE Brian Kendrick is in the ring.

Non-Title: THE Brian Kendrick v. Kofi Kingston

Kendrick gets pissy over Lawler owning him last week. He’s going to beat Kofi and slap the taste out of Lawler’s mouth. Bell rings, Trouble in Paradise, Bell rings.

Winner: Kofi Kingston
Grade: N/A

Triple H walks and gets his quad taken out by Ted DiBiase with a club.

Commercials.

Beat the Clock Qualifier: Triple H v. Cody Rhodes

The bell rings and Trips gets the limp going on the leg. He blocks Rhodes’ attempts to isolate the leg. Trips with a snapmare takeover into a leglock. He looks to wear Rhodes out as the clock ticks away. Rhodes gets Trips in the corner and we get the rope sequence. High knee connects and Trips gets a headlock reapplied. Rhodes gets the target locked on, but Trips tries to fight it off. Cody bashes Trip’s leg against the pole and Cody goes to work on it. Drop toe hold by Cody and he extends the leg of Trips. Trips gets fingers up the nostrils, but Cody works through the pain. Pin attempt gets two for Cody. He locks on a standing leg lock, but Trips uses the good leg to get out of it. Rhodes off the top, he connects with the fist and gets two. Off the top again and Trips catches him. Pedigree attempt, but Rhodes hits a chop block. Figure Four is locked in and Trips is in pain. Trips reverses the move and Cody gets out of it quickly. Another attempt, but Trips sends him into the ring post. Clothesline connects and Trips looked to get the worst of that. Spinebuster connects and Trips looks to seal the deal. DiBiase interferes. He throws Cody into DiBiase. Pedigree attempt connects, but time runs out.

Winner: No One
Grade: C+

Trips argues with Charles Robinson

Santino and Shaq play Scrabble. Santino complains because Shaq has too many “Q’s”. Cryme Tyme chill with Shaq before the big match. Santino tries to get down and he gets laughed at.

Commercials.

Hornswoggle comes out for another burial of Chavo Guerrero, because the last three times just isn’t enough.

Hornswoggle v. Chavo Guerrero

Oh yeah, Chavo must wrestle this match blindfolded. This makes me want to see the Morasca/Sharmell feud continue even more. The bell rings and Horny takes out the legs. Chavo proceeds to take himself out of the ring and he gets embarrassed. Horny decks him and Chavo hits the turnbuckle. Chavo gets a hold on Hornswoggle and then he gets a hold of the ref. Chavo fondles the ref and we get a faceplant for two. Chavo peeks behind the referee’s back and he takes Horny out. He looks to go for the frog splash, but Horny isn’t stupid. He goes for a peek, but the ref stops it. He goes for the Frog Splash and he hits nothing. Tadpole Splash connects for the three.

Winner: Hornswoggle
Grade: FTS

Randy Orton is in the locker room and Jack Swagger joins in and says that he will beat the clock. Randy asks if he should be scared and Swagger says he should. He leaves and Mark Henry comes in and he laughs.

Commercials.

Did You Know: WWE gives members of the armed forces free tickets to live events. TNA does one better by letting them compete as wrestlers.

Beat the Clock Qualifier: Jack Swagger v. Evan Bourne

The bell sounds and Evan plays the speedy card, sidestepping Swagger. Amateur takedown by Swagger and he throws Evan on his feet. Bourne takes the swagger out of Swagger, but he comes back with clubbing shots to the back. Elevated reverse electric chair connects for two and Swagger continues the pressure. Bourne gets up, but Swagger gakes him down. Northern Lights connects with a pin for two. Swagger hits a suplex into a pin for two. Running powerslam is thrawted by Bourne and he goes to the top. Air Bourne is blocked and Swagger hurls him 2/3 across the ring. Swagger looks for the Gutwrench, but Evan rolls him up and spoils the fun.

Winner: Evan Bourne
Grade: C

Cena v. Miz to round out the Beat the Clock Challenge is NEXT!

Commercials.

Jeremy Piven is your guest host next week on RAW. He should be a natural heel, but I doubt it.

Triple H is with Josh Matthews. Trip’s is mad at himself for not seeing this sooner. Without Rhodes and DiBiase, Orton is nothing. He wants Rhodes and DiBiase in a handicap match next week.

Miz is happy that Shaq is on his team. He gives a tip and let Shaq sit out during any game against the Wizards. He talks down the Wizards and the Redskins. He doesn’t have to beat Cena, he just has to hang with him for 6:49. He mocks Barack Obama because he is awesome.

The match is next.

Commercials.

Beat the Clock Qualifier: John Cena v. The Miz

Randy Orton has a front row seat as he debates on if he wants to face Cena or Henry at Summerslam. The bell sounds and he plays cat and mouse with the Miz. We keep up the evading game and the Miz wastes more time out of the ring. The referee is at eight and Miz gets back in the ring and an awaitting Cena. Schoolboy gets two and Cena is on fire. Miz stalls again, but Cena takes Miz out with a clothesline. STF attempt, but Miz gets to the ropes. Miz gets sent to the ropes, but he comes back with a side slam for two. Miz has a chinlock on Cena and he fades away. Scratch that, Cena gets out of the move and he gets sent to the ropes. Flapjack by Miz and Cena gets tossed out. Cena gets sent to the steel steps and Cena is down and out. The referee gets to nine before Cena beats the countout. Miz ties Cena up in the ropes and the referee frees Cena. Cena gets Miz in the STF and Miz taps!

Winner: John Cena
Grade: D

Randy Orton gets in the ring to show off the WWE Title. No incident.

Main Event is next.

Commercials.

Tag Match: Chris Jericho & Big Show v. Cryme Tyme
Guest Enforcer: Shaq

JTG and Jericho starts off in our main event. JTG corners Jericho before we get a lockup. Jericho gets a chinlock, which JTG gets out of it. He runs into a shoulderblock, but JTG comes back and hits a shoulderblock of his own. JTG takes Jericho down and we go to the corner. JTG with a cover off a faceplant for two. Jericho gets a cheapshot in and he assumes control. JTG gets sent to a boot and Big Show comes into the fray. Gut shots by Show connect and Show assumes a headlock position. At the ropes, Show chops away at JTG and he locks on a Full Nelson. Show toys at Shaq a bit and he nails a modified dragon screw. JTG tries to mount a comeback, but he EATS A SPEAR! He rolls out of the ring and JTG gets brought back inside the ring the hard way. Tag back to Jericho and he continues the assault in the corner. Jericho mocks Shaq on the outside and that allows JTG to try to get back in the game. Modified spinebuster gets two for Jericho. Jericho gets a chinlock and JTG tries to get out. STO by JTG takes Jericho down and he gets the tag with help from Shaq. Gespar gets involved and he military presses Jericho in the ring. He drops the elbow and he looks for the Drive By, but Jericho counters with a Walls attempt. Gespar gets a hard scoop slam attempt, but Jericho rolls over. Blind tag by JTG and they nail the double team move. Big Show interrupts and we get a DQ.

Winners via DQ: Cryme Tyme
Grade: B-

Show looks to double chokeslam Cryme Tyme, but he wants Shaq in the ring. The officials shirt comes off and Shaq is face to face with Big Show. He shoves Show. Show looks to deliver a chokeslam, but Shaq goozles Show! Cryme Tyme get back and they knock Show off. BOOM SHAQ-A-LACKA sends Show on the outside!

Show over.

The WWE RAW Report Card

Cryme Tyme d. Jericho/Show: B-
John Cena d. The Miz: D
Evan Bourne d. Jack Swagger: C
Hornswoggle d. Chavo: FTS
Trips and Cody Rhodes went to a time limit draw: D+
Kofi Kingston d. THE Brian Kendrick: N/A
MVP v. Chris Masters ends in a Double Countout: D+
Mickie, Gail, & Kelly d. Rosa, Alicia, & Beth: D
Mark Henry d. Carlito: C

The FINAL Grade for WWE RAW: D+

While the grade for RAW made it seem like a lousy show, the Beat the Clock concept almost guarantees short matches, but some of the finishes sucked anyways. Hornswoggle continues to take Chavo’s dignity and I’m tired of that feud. Chris Masters returns and he looked impressive tonight. The D+ is mainly on the wrestling scale, but the show was more entertaining than last week, which is a plus. Enjoy your week.

For another opinion on RAW, check out Jonathan Kirschner’s 10 Thoughts, to be posted soon.

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