Welcome Pulse Readers to tonight’s real-time coverage of WWE RAW! I’ll be here and on my Official Twitter Page all evening. You can follow me on Twitter by looking at my Twitter feed at the bottom of this live report.
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We open up the show with Lillian Garcia introducing Jeremy Piven tonight. He comes out in a Trans Am and it is his sidekick, throwing out cash. Oh God. The sidekick is “The Asian Gentlemen”, Dr. Ken. Piven leaves the ring and he makes pyro explode. He announces the main event for tonight and the Miz comes out to interrupt. Miz tries to get a “Real World” blurb in and Piven calls him “LameMiz” and he doesn’t have the goods. Miz tries to talk and Dr. Ken mocks Miz. Piven gives Dr. Ken a pacifier and Miz asks for Cena. He said that Cena got lucky last week and Miz DEMANDS a rematch. Miz makes threats and Cena makes his appearance. Cena said the rematch can happen, but last week it only took two minutes to beat him. Cena and Piven trade jokes at Miz’s expense. Cena wants Piven to make this interesting. Piven makes Cena v. Miz in a Lumberjack match. If Miz loses, he can’t compete at Summerslam and Summerfest. Not only that, he’ll be banned from the Staple Center. Cena whispers sweet nothings into Piven’s ear and this makes it that if Miz loses to Cena, he’s banned from RAW permanently.
Cue the na-na-na-na’s.
Commercials.
WWE REWIND: Jack Swagger loses to Evan Bourne last week.
Rematch from Last Week: Evan Bourne v. Jack Swagger
The bell sounds and Swagger tries to assume control, but the speed of Bourne keeps Swagger off kilter, at least for a moment. Waist lock by Swagger into a bodyslam and he tosses Bourne into the corner. Corner splash misses and Bourne hits a dropkick. Bourne off the top, he misses and he runs into Swagger. Standing Moonsault connects with the knees. Swagger goes for the Gutwrench, but Bourne rolls him up for two. Kick to the head by Swagger and he scoops him up for a running powerslam. Gutwrench Powerbomb connects and that is all.
Winner: Jack Swagger
Grade: D-
Post match, Swagger nails a couple 2nd rope splashes for good measure. He looks to finish Bourne off, but MVP comes to his aid. Swagger takes a powder, not wanting anything to do with MVP.
Commercials.
We’re back and we recap last week’s RAW. Michael Cole brags about how this was shown across the major networks, but he misses how ESPN was mocking WWE for that stunt.
Inside Piven’s office, Piven is pimping with the ladies and the annoying Asian comes in, ruining the segment. They mock Big Show and he stands behind Dr. Ken. Big Show wants Shaq tonight, but Piven won’t do that. Piven wants to take Big Show to the next level. Big Show wants Jeremy Piven in the ring, but that won’t work for Jeremy. He books Big Show v. Kofi Kingston for the U.S. Title tonight. That works for Big Show. Dr. Ken continues to annoy and we get something better.
But first…Commercials.
We get a previes of Piven’s movie, “The Goods: Live Hard. Sell Hard.”
Divas Tag: Mickie James & Gail Kim v. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall
Gail and Beth begin the contest and it is a shoving contest. Gail tags in Mickie who hits Beth with a dropkick for one. Beth assumes control, but Mickie comes back with a slightly botched Thez Press for two. Jillian gets taken out, but Beth hangs Mickie over the ropes. She pulls the hair and slams Mickie on the canvas. Tag to Jillian and she works the hair as well. She slams Mickie on the canvas and sends her to the heel corner. She successfully fights off Beth and Jillian and she tags in Gail Kim. She takes it to Jillian. Jillian gets caught in the ropes and Gail hits a missile dropkick. Beth intervenes, but she gets taken out. Jillian counters a neckbreaker and Beth blind tags herself in. Gail gets taken out of her game and she suffers the Glam Slam for the loss.
Winners: Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall
Grade: C
Recap of Triple H failing to beat the clock is shown.
Triple H walks.
Commercials.
Did You Know: WWE RAW was watched by more adults 18-34 than any other show on TV.
Handicap Match: Legacy (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase) v. Triple H
Tag Team rules apply in the match and the bell rings. Trips fights out of the heel corner and he takes it to Rhodes in the beginning. Brainbuster connects and Trips drops the knee on Rhode’s face. Rhodes gets out of harm’s way, but Ted comes right into it. DiBiase takes it to Trips, but he comes with a Pedigree attempt. Cody interrupts and both members of Legacy get tossed out of the ring. Break time.
Commercials.
We’re back and Triple H is in trouble. Rhodes has Trips in a chinlock, but he gets out of it. Tag to DiBiase and they double team Trips. DiBiase takes Triple H to his corner and they frequently exchange tags every four or so seconds. Rhodes is the legal man and he scores a two count on Trips. Tag to DiBiase and they hit a double suplex. DiBiase goes for the cover and Trips kicks out at two. Chinlock by DiBiase applied, but Trips gets out of it soon enough. Trips runs into a powerslam for two. Tag to Rhodes and he gets another two count on Trips. He drops the knee in the head and gets another two count. Back to the chinlock we go. Trips trys to come back, but DiBiase hits the DDT for two. He goes to the top rope. OH SH*T! Moonsault misses and Rhodes LANDS ON HIS ARM! Trips gets up first and he takes care of DiBiase. Back in the ring, Trips hits the high knee. Knee Smash connects and Rhodes gets sent to DiBiase. SPINEBUSTER FOR RHODES! Pedigree attempt is countered by DiBiase into the Dream Street! Rhodes gets a cover…slow two count! Rhodes is waiting for Trips and he goes for the CrossRhodes and he connects. He covers for the win.
Winners: Legacy
Grade: B-
Legacy stands on the ramp as Trips says Owww on the mic. “That hurt.” It didn’t go as he planned and he doesn’t get it. He asks if these guys are that good and he thinks they are too much for him. He says that he should start another group…or bring one back. Maybe he brings back evolution. That won’t work since Randy is a jerk, Batista is hurt all the time, and Flair is signing autographs at the VFW. He says he’ll make one phone call and if you’re not down with that, he has two words for you. Legacy looks concerned and we go to break.
Commercials.
We’re back and it’s a party in Piven’s office. Chavo Guerrero comes in and he kisses ass. He gets rewarded with another match with Hornswoggle. We get a match and there’s no special stipulation attached…yet. Piven has a plan for Chavo, though.
Carlito v. Primo
The bell sounds and Primo takes it to Carlito in the opening moments. Pillar to post we go and Primo gets a hurrancurana on Carlito. Carlito comes back with a kick to the face. Primo evades the mat and he gets back in the ring. Clothesline to Carlito gets two and Carlito goes out of the ring. Suicide Dive by Primo! Back in the ring, Primo gets two. Carlito comes back with a sick neckbreaker for two as Primo has the ropes. Poor positioning on Carlito’s part. Scoop slam by Carlito connects and he drops the elbow for two. Chinlock is applied, but Primo gets out. Elbow to the face by Primo and he picks the offense up. Carlito gets flipped across the ring and Primo misses the corner charge. Backstabber is countered into a rollup for two. Backstabber connects in the next exchange and that is enough.
Winner: Carlito
Grade: C-
Commercials.
We’re back and it’s time for Chavo v. Hornswoggle, part 5.
Chavo Guerrero v. Hornswoggle
Piven and Dr. Ken show up on the Tron and they said that Hornswoggle is sick, so they booked his illegitimate cousin, Markswaggle.
Chavo Guerrero v. Mark Henry
The bell sounds and Henry beats on Chavo. Chavo gets off Mark Henry and he punches his back. World’s Strongest Slam connects and it’s over.
Winner: Mark Henry
Grade: F-
Mark Henry pulls up the ring apron and out comes Hornswoggle and they continue the embarrassment of Chavo Guerrero. Tadpole Splash connects and all is well. They dance a bit. Suddenly I forget that these two were once thorns in each other’s sides.
U.S. Title match is NEXT!
Commercials.
We’re back and Randy Orton makes a visit to Piven’s office. Piven wants to make Orton the guest ring announcer for the Cena/Miz match. Orton isn’t having it and he makes a thread to Piven and Dr. Ken before he leaves.
U.S. Title Match: Kofi Kingston v. Big Show (w/Chris Jericho)
Jericho joins commentary for this match. The bell sounds and Kingston uses the kicks to no avail. Show drops his body on Kingston’s leg. Show picks Kingston up by the neck and he abuses him for a bit. Big Show thrusts his shoulders against Kingston’s body in the corner. Kingston tries to play defensive, but Show chops away at the chest. Kingston takes to the turnbuckle, but Show catches him and slams him on the mat. Big Show splashes Kingston on the mat and Kingston gets the ropes, breaking the pinfall. Show stomps the gut and he locks on what looks like a triangle hold. The Colossial Clutch is applied in the ropes and Charles Robinson threatens to DQ Big Show. He goes for a splash again, but Kingston prevents it. Dropkick to the knee and he connects with the Trouble in Paradise! To the top and he hits a double leg drop…TWO COUNT! Big Show proceeds to no-sell that offense and he hits the spear and he connects with the kidney punches in the corner, ignoring the five count. DQ.
Winner: Kofi Kingston via DQ
Grade: D
Jericho berates Kingston in the ring.
Commercials.
We’re back and Triple H is in the back making his phone call. He gets hanged up on. HAHA
Another preview of “The Goods: Live Hard. Sell Hard.”
The main event…IS NEXT!
Commercials.
Sgt. Slaughter is in charge next week as RAW invades Canada.
Lumberjack Match: John Cena v. The Miz
Stipulation: If Miz loses, he’s banned from Summerslam, the Staples Center, & WWE RAW
Piven and Dr. Ken is on the stage, but Piven has a confession to make. Piven goes heel on the crowd, saying that he is a fan of Randy Orton and he picked every lumberjack himself. He brings out the heel contigent as his lumberjacks. The bell sounds and the Miz gets early control. Cena mounts a comeback, but Miz takes him out of the ring. Cena responds by making Miz go out of the ring. The jacks do nothing but let Miz come back inside. Cena goes for the STF and Legacy causes a timely distraction. Miz knees Cena in the back, sending him out to the ring and into the Masterlock by Chris Masters! Cena fades away before he gets sent back inside the rong. Cover attempt and Cena grabs the rope. Another cover gets two. The Miz comes back with a clothesline for two. Dr. Ken mocks Cena on the outside and Miz continues the pressure. Cena mounts another comeback. Protobomb connects and he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Orton pulls the rope and they get Cena out of the ring. Orton thrusts Cena against the apron and he sends him to the ring steps. Cena gets maimed on the outside by Legacy. Dr. Ken hands his cane to the Miz, but Cena NO-SELLS THE LAST FIVE MINUTES and he hits the Attitude Adjustment for the win.
Winner: John Cena
Grade: FTS
Post match, Jeremy Piven is on the top fope and he jumps into Cena’s clutches. Cena fends off the lumberjacks with Piven as a battering ram. Dr. Ken hits Cena with the cane, but he no-sells it. Dr. Ken kisses ass, but Cena isn’t buying it. After a bit of pleading, Cena throws Dr. Ken onto the Lumberjacks.
Show over.
THE WWE RAW REPORT CARD
John Cena d. The Miz: FTS
Kofi Kingston d. Big Show via DQ: D
Mark Henry d. Chavo Guerrero: F-
Carlito d. Primo: C-
Legacy d. Triple H: B-
Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall d. Gail Kim & Mickie James: C
Jack Swagger d. Evan Bourne: D-
The Final Grade for WWE RAW: F.T.S.
Seven matches…four of which sucked. I’m not even going to recommend this show. Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken sucked as guest hosts and the heel turn at the end wasn’t enough to save this from escaping the FTS territory. If you have to watch it, just watch the handicap match and the divas match since it was the better matches of the show. Last week, the wrestling sucked – but Shaq was comedy gold. This week, it was all bad. I’m sorry guys, but I tried to give it a chance this week. It didn’t work.
Have a great week and see you Thursday for 10 Thoughts on WWE Superstars.
