For Your Consideration…RAW’s Got the Goods (and other shameless plugs)

For Your Consideration…RAW’s Got the Goods (and other shameless plugs)

Welcome to the first ever LATE FYC RAW review. I was planning on stopping these after the Bar and resuming my normal Thursday column, but thanks to the test from hell finally being over, I have a week of free time. Since I have some free time, I can actually sit back and enjoy RAW without feeling like I should be learning riparian rights or the Rule Against Perpetuity. Last night’s live recap was an impossibility as it was my 11 month anniversary, and to the shock of no one, a night of watching subpar Monday wrestling isn’t exactly the most romantic way to spend an evening. So, since I have the morning off, I figured why not recap what I’m sure was an adequate RAW (before I get to go do all of the things that I put off by using the phrase “I’ll do it after the Bar”. Apparently everyone remembered every single time I said that and they are all cashing it in).

Before I begin, let me give a quick recap of my thoughts about the past week of wrestling. First and foremost, I am once again YOUR Rasslin’ Roundtable champion! What a thrill. Seriously, it is a true honor, and I am weeping with joy. Night of Champions wasn’t a terrible show, and I think it actually had a moment or two worth taking note of.

First there’s the whole business about Big Show being Jericho’s mystery partner. Now I personally think I made wiser selections for Jericho’s mystery partner (one being a shocking turn by Shawn Michaels to freshen up the main event picture and the other being Matt Hardy so that the company can actually elevate a talent to the main event scene using the belts as more than mere props), but I am not upset by the pick of Big Show. Like I said in the Roundtable, Show was really directionless. He’s a main event monster who really shouldn’t be feuding for the US Title. Jericho can compete for the IC Title on Smackdown and it doesn’t seem like a step down. Show’s massive size and presence doesn’t really allow him to slip to the midcard without it being really noticeable. By having Big Show and Jericho hold the tag straps, the WWE gets that added value I talked about last week, because now we get two main event level superstars on all three brands. As for his ring attire, I’ll leave that for the folks at Wrestlecrap.

The next thing that irked me was the fact that Dolph Ziggler didn’t win the IC title at NOC. Now I know that I said in my column that Rey should win, but it doesn’t mean I agreed with the decision. Yes, having Mysterio win so that there can be a rematch makes sense, but the heat Dolph was generating was significant enough for him to be elevated sooner rather than later. Besides, how better to establish Dolph than to have him beat Rey for the strap and then pin him in the rematch at Summerslam. Ziggler is the WWE’s answer to Randy Savage, so why not let him shine with the belt that the Macho Man made his own?

As for the title swaps, nothing really shocked me. I picked McCool to retain and Maryse to lose, because one of the belts had to swap and Michelle is doing a better job carrying the Smackdown women’s division (Maryse has some help in the form of Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix). I’m glad Kofi retained because, as I said last week, he needs to lose the belt in a one-on-one competition. Swagger, MVP or The Miz could all hold the title credibly, but getting the win in a convoluted match like that doesn’t benefit any new champion. Over on ECW, I’m sad to see Tommy drop the belt, but it was time for him to relinquish it to Christian. As for the WWE Title, I’m upset that Orton retained the gold, but at least Cena should get it back at Summerslam. Lastly, Hardy over Punk only works because Jeff signed the extension. The feud was building towards CM Punk losing anyway, so the fact that he’ll regain the belt in a few weeks is alright with me.

Speaking of Punk, I thought his promo at Night of Champions was a thing of beauty. By taking the fans to task and laying out his beliefs, he became a heel with a purpose. He almost stepped into the role that Owen Hart had carved out for the Blue Blazer, by talking about the virtue of staying clean and healthy. Kurt Angle would ride that message to success, but this is the first time the WWE is portraying this character type as a legit heel and not a comedy act. My only qualm is that the promo didn’t air on free television, because I think if more people saw that, more people would take Punk seriously as a heel. The guy is right now poised to be the top heel on Smackdown, and I for one couldn’t be happier.

Lastly, before getting to RAW, I want to touch on a great column that’s up on the Pulse. Alternate Reality by Vin Tastic this week took the WWE to task for having Orton, Hunter and Cena (or some derivation there of) in almost every PPV main event for the past five years. Vin argues that the reason that Vince does this is because we the fans let him get away with it. That we continue to tune in and pay our hard earned money. I think it is a fair criticism that we see the same guys every year, but I think there’s a flip side to the argument.

The WWE main event scene has been Triple H, Randy Orton, John Cena, Shawn Michaels, Batista, Edge and The Undertaker. Those have been your standard-bearers on and off for the past five or six years. The impressive thing about that list is that half of those guys were “made” within the past five or six years. The WWE put themselves in a bad situation when they relied on the wrong people consistently. Through what some consider a fluke, Steve Austin became the biggest star in pro wrestling. In spite of all of the injuries, he was the top of the company and sold a trillion dollars worth of merchandise. The Rock was Austin’s foil, but his dabbling in Hollywood became longer and more sustained plunges, until ultimately he swam towards the bright lights. In the course of about ten months, the WWE lost its two top names.

The company tried very hard to brand new superstars as “the guy”, with varying degrees of success. Kurt Angle ascended to the top rather quickly, and he was a main event fixture until his ultimate departure. Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit were both main event fixtures. Before his passing, Eddie was the top heel on Smackdown and only about ¼ of the way through his great feud with Batista. Benoit was about to become the top guy on ECW (before being the top guy on ECW was officially midcard) before his death. The WWE sunk money into Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley before being burned. Then there were the constant start-and-stop pushes of Mister Kennedy…Kenndy, MVP, Mike Knox, Vladamir Kozlov, The Brian Kendrick, Mark Henry and Jeff Hardy.

Being a publicly traded company in an era of media uncertainty, waning ratings for all of television and a general economic recession means risks have to be calculated. John Cena, Triple H, and Randy Orton have carried RAW almost completely uninterrupted because they can be counted on to carry the ball. Shawn Michaels has been a consistent hit with the crowd ever since his return. Smackdown was navigated surprisingly well by simply relying on Batista, Undertaker and JBL.

The fact is, every time Vince seems to try and rely on someone new, he gets burned. The guys that seem to appear in every PPV are the guys that Vince can count on. Hell, how many times has Jeff Hardy blown up in his face? I think this time is going to be the most toxic because Hardy is now finally a main eventer in everyone’s eyes, not just the eyes of little children. John Cena, Triple H and Randy Orton aren’t going anywhere any time soon, and like it or not, you have to rely on your strongest players in times of financial uncertainty.

The new main event scene in the WWE is actually more exciting than people give it credit for. Smackdown, as Vin correctly pointed out, is the breeding ground of new superstars. I disagree with his point about Punk being brought up only temporarily. As a heel, CM Punk can dominate Smackdown without anyone batting an eye. I think it is safe to assume that Punk is going to be a main event player when Undertaker returns, because Punk has shown that he can draw serious heat.

By having a group of superstars committed to wrestling and having talent and a look, the WWE can now restack the main event deck. John Morrison has proven his loyalty (and has shown that not all Tough Enough winners were busts), so his shot at the main event picture could be more permanent. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger are well insulated as upper midcard heels, and the kinds of superstars that Vince loves to push to the moon. ECW continues to train and prepare guys for the future, and recent grads the Hart Dynasty should go a long way in building a strong midcard for years to come. As for the main events on RAW? Yeah, it’ll be Cena, Hunter, Orton and Michaels, but as soon as someone new gets elevated, we can finally believe that they are a true main eventer.

Alright, enough babbling, time for RAW.

Yessir we promised you a great main event tonight…

Yet again opening live. Lillian “Soon to be” Gonecia introduces Jeremy Piven, who comes out in a Trans-Am and a leather vest. Wait, he pulled a pimp out of his trunk. Oh sweet jeebus, tell me it’s Ken Jeong from “Knocked Up”! If it is, that makes this the best RAW ever.

Yes, it is, which makes this the best RAW of all time. Piven is marking out in the ring and Ken Jeong is stealing the show. The fans seem quite confused. I on the other hand am enjoying the hell out of it. I also love how short everyone seems in the ring. Piven runs to the top of the ramp to set off pyro, which is pretty cool. Apparently the role of the RAW GM is wrestling fantasy camp. Piven promises that tonight’s RAW is like July 4th, so prepare to lose some fingers.

Our main event is Triple H versus Legacy. Again. Lemme guess, HBK returns. Wait, here comes The Miz. See fans, Creative didn’t completely forget about The Miz. The one advantage to having the celebs on RAW is that it allows the superstars to get some mainstream exposure. Piven is now calling him Le Mis, because nothing goes over with wrestling fans better than Broadway references. Piven is trying hard to keep the fans into this while pimping “The Goods”. Ah, The Miz doesn’t have “The Goods”. He also isn’t “Old School”, nor is he “Cupid”. The Miz just called Dr. Ken Lloyd.

Miz, apparently attempting to do a remake of his one successfulish feud, wants John Cena…again. Remember like five paragraphs ago where I talked about the WWE recycling the same matches? Totally take it back. I haven’t seen Cena/Miz in like…a week. Well, here comes Cena. Dr. Ken just gave him the n.W.o. point, making Dr. Ken officially more entertaining than Scott Hall.

Wow, the star of “12 Rounds” in the ring with the star of “PCU”. I own one of those movies proudly. Cena points out that he beat Miz in two minutes and now Cena is pointing out that Miz sucks. Then, pulling out Vaudeville shtick, says Miz has a face for radio. Apparently tonight’s RAW is being guest written by Buddy Hackett. Cena then pimps “The Goods” while talking about how much Miz sucks. Apparently Piven has to make this interesting. That’s something that no one can do.

Piven is going to make tonight’s match a lumberjack match. Zuh? Thankfully Miz craps all over it. Piven then says Miz will be banned from SummerFest. Wow, that just seemed painful. You could actually hear Vince’s head explode. Piven now says that Miz is banned from Staples Center. Piven said if Miz loses, he’s banned from RAW for all eternity. Well, we’ll miss you Miz.

Commercial.

We get a recap of Swagger losing to Bourne last week. I can’t believe the one week I miss is the one week where we get some interesting developments.

Well here comes Bourne, and the lightning bolts on the screen behind him are kinda badass, but the red graphics look too much like DragonGate. On the plus side, Bourne has generic rock, which means he’ll get some kind of push. Speaking of which, here comes Jack Swagger. I can’t stand the odd push-up thing he added to his entrance, but I can live with it if we get this match-up every week. I seriously thought that THIS would be the marquis match for ECW for months and months.

Swagger is tossing Bourne around with a nice waist lock, which is a great way to show power over size. Bourne then starts doing some flippy moves, capping it with a standing moonsault attempt that gets blocked with knees. Swagger goes for the win with a powerbomb but Bourne rolls him up. I love the fact that Jack is bringing back the old scoop your opponent up, drive him into the turnbuckle and slam him. In the end, Swagger hits the gutwrench and wins. I take umbrage with the fact that Lawler keeps talking about Swagger not wanting to be embarrassed, especially when you consider the months the WWE spent on making Bourne seem legit. Swagger now hits the running second rope splash and is now going for the gutwrench again before MVP runs out for the save. Do I smell an MVP/Bourne v. Masters/Swagger next week? I think so.

Commercial.

We get a replay of Shaq on RAW and watch the only moments on ESPN where the network wasn’t burying the program. Thankfully, the video blowjob of Shaq transitions into making Jericho and Big Show look legit. The advantage to having them hold the tag titles is that now Cryme Time is in a high profile bout at Summerslam rather than just make it a regular tag match.

Lawler and tie-less Cole ask us to vote as to who would win in a fight between Shaq and Big Show. Well, one is an accomplished wrestler with boxing skills and the other is an injury-prone ball player who abandoned my Miami Heat to become a for-rent celebrity center.

Piven and Dr. Ken are in the back with a bunch of random women. On the television behind them, the trailer for “The Goods” is on a loop. Wow, subtlety is out the window tonight, even by WWE standards. Piven just called Dr. Ken Kim Chee, which I hope means he’ll fight the Brooklyn Brawler later. Dr. Ken starts mocking Big Show who of course pops up behind him. Show demands Shaq tonight, showing that wrestlers are dumb. Big Show challenges Jeremy Piven and wants to spread his “Goods”. Instead we’re getting Big Show versus Kofi Kingston, which appeases him. Dr. Ken continues to steal RAW as we go to…

Not a commercial, but a tag match. Mickie James and Gail Kim are in the ring, and NOW we get…

Smart, sexy and powerful commercials.

We’re back as people give money back to the Indians. Michael Cole pimps “The Goods” and now we get a trailer for the movie. Great cast, great production staff, still doesn’t look hilarious. Hopefully all the funny stuff can’t be shown on RAW. Mickie and Gail Kim are a “great team” according to Cole, which means they’re breaking up tonight. Cole again calls them smart, sexy and powerful, blurting it out like a drunk Ron Burgundy. Their opponents are Beth Phoenix and Jillian “Takes the Pin” Hall. My guess is there will be a “Three’s Company” miscommunication leading to the heels winning. Welcome back Jillian Hall. She might not be the prettiest gal in the bunch, but she’s capable in the ring.

Mickie and Beth are going at it, which I have a feeling is a match we’ll see over the next few weeks to build up James/Kim at Summerslam. Lawler, in mayoral fashion, just confused Beth and Jillian. I can see how you’d make that mistake considering they both have blonde hair and are both women. Yeah, elect that man.

Jillian Hall wails on Mickie as Cole compliments James on her heart. Apparently getting your ass kicked takes heart. James hits the spinning headscissor and tags in the woefully underused Gail Kim. Gail has an unorthodox style, which means she eats ham and cheese. Speaking of ham, Jillian sells Gail’s dropkick like she’s been shot. Gail doesn’t realize that Beth Phoenix was tagged in and gets the pin. But…where was Mickie James to break up the pin? The seeds of dissention have been planted…ah the intrigue. Nothing sells a PPV like intrigue in the Diva’s division. Beth and Jillian get a smart, sexy and powerful win.

Last week Triple H was too smart to get disqualified but not smart enough to pin Cody Rhodes when he could have. The Cerebral Assassin is walking with a purpose. That purpose? Well, my guess is inch us closer towards the inevitable DX reunion.

Commercial.

Some guy from a dancing movie invites us RAW fans to watch a G.I. Joe trailer. So does that mean next week’s RAW GM will be Dennis Quaid? That would be badass.

Hey, Legacy is getting an entrance! Tonight, Cody and Ted will, according to Cole…ugh…cement their legacy. Because they’re called Legacy. Actually, they were called Priceless, which was a cooler name. Hopefully after DX dismantles these two, Legacy will finally limp towards its anti-climactic end. Like the Spirit Squad. I miss those guys.

Well, smoke is coming up from the stage, and since Kendrick is gone, that can only mean that Triple H is coming to the ring. Cole, using all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face, calls Triple H a proud man. Why doesn’t Vince just stop yelling in Cole’s ear and just take over the commentary position? Seriously. “Triple H is a man who likes to be challenged.” Someone needs to put Cole out of his misery. This is a man who covered the Waco Texas tragedy for major network news, and now he’s forced to spout out clichéd one-liners about how awesome Triple H is.

You know how to make Legacy not look like a couple of bitches? When Hunter’s posing for like ten minutes, why not jump him? Do they care about getting the win? It’s a handicap match, so a win is meaningless and a loss is devastating. Instead, we get Hunter wailing on Cody Rhodes. I really hope that Shawn Michaels doesn’t come back tonight, because then we still have like two more weeks of build-up. Putting HBK in the ring before Summerslam takes away what will make Summerslam “special”, and if we still have two more RAW’s before the PPV we’ll be burned out on DX before we get to the big show. As I type that, Triple H just launched Legacy out of the ring, making them officially look like his bitches.

Commercial. Seriously, another Final Destination? Where’s Lionel Hutz to sue them like when he sued the makers of the Neverending Story?

Hey, 7-11 Big Gulps with my favorite superstars! Wow! Just don’t use the Edge cup because it’ll break apart as soon as you start to use it. Because he’s injury prone.

We’re back as Cody tries to twist Hunter’s head off, but to no avail. During the break apparently Legacy actually got an offensive move in. Thankfully now that we’re back on television, Hunter has regained control. Wait, a High-Low takes Hunter down. “This is where the numbers game becomes an issue for Triple H.” Thanks Cole.

There’s the copyright logo in the bottom of the screen, which means Cole better remind us which show we’re watching. Our 7-11 replay shows ups how Legacy regained control. This double-team is brought to you by Circle K. The Wyld Stallions double-subplex Triple H and NOW finally Cole reminds us what show we’re watching. Ted actually gets a powerslam on Hunter, which shockingly doesn’t get the pin. His partner Bill wants the tag and he gets it.

Bill S. Preston Esq. goes for the moonsault but hits nothing. Similarities between Bill and Kurt Angle: 1. Hunter now eliminates Ted and hits a high knee on Bill. Triple H now hits the Spinebuster, which means he doesn’t need the help of Socrates…Michaels. Ted comes in from behind and hits Dream Street. Cody goes for the pin and NO! Nope, two-on-one beatdowns and legit finishing moves can’t beat The Game. Cody goes for Crossroads and…wins? Wow. Legacy beat Triple H. Stunning. They get whipped for like 10 minutes and somehow finally win. And this enhances them how? It took two men to somehow finally beat Triple H thanks to all of the double-teaming and two finishing moves.

Hunter’s got the microphone and talks about how that hurt. Apparently this didn’t go as he planned it. So was this a shoot? Hunter said Legacy is too much for him. Yeah, let’s bury them. Hunter said he had gangs and should start another group…or bring one back. Duh duh duh! Bring back Evolution? No because Orton’s a jerk, Batista’s hurt all the time (wow, Hunter took my joke) and Flair is signing autographs at the VFW (what the hell prompted that?). Triple H is going to make one phone call. Well, it isn’t going to be X-Pac because I’m pretty sure his service has been cut off. Oh good, he said “Suck it!” I wonder who it’s going to be. I have no idea. Is he bringing back the McMahon-Helmsley Era? Will Hootie McBoob return?

We’re back with Piven, which means either Santino or Chavo. Yep, it’s Chavo. Chavo feigns excitement but confuses him with Joe Rogan. I can see that, both are unshaven and had mid-90’s sitcoms. Piven calls Hornswaggle Horn-gobbler, which is 10 times funnier. Oh good, Hornswaggle/Chavo AGAIN. We get our first “hugging it out”. Chavo then calls Dr. Ken the guy from “Heroes”, showing that the WWE’s hatred of Hispanics has lead to the Hispanics hatred of Asians. Why can’t we all just get along?

Speaking of the WWE’s burial of the Latin community, Carlito is sullenly walking to the ring without a full entrance. How soon until he throws a fit in the back and gets fired? Maybe Carlito and Masters can re-unite? Wow, how great would it be to see THAT superteam back in action?

Primo gets a full entrance, so I guess he’s winning. That’s right, the old “Challenge” rules are in full effect. And now the feud no one wanted to see continues as Chavo and Primo wail on each other to deafening silence. Chavo must be watching this in the back weeping. Hey Primo, in about five years, you’ll be wrestling midgets with appendages tied behind your back. Oh, who am I kidding? I take it back Primo. You won’t have a job in five years.

Carlito goes for the pin right next to the rope, showing that his years of wrestling has taught him nothing. Lawler pulls out the script from the Hardy/Hardy Wrestlemania match and talks about what their poor father Carlos must be thinking watching this match. My guess is how soon will Vince fire his boys so that he can turn Puerto Rico into his own Von Erich dynasty (minus the drug use and insane amounts of tragedy). Carlito hits the Backstabber and wins clean, which I doubt will end the feud. If this was a legit feud, wouldn’t this have ended with Carlito wailing on Primo with a chair? Crap, better not give them ideas of how to extend it.

Commercial.

Chavo comes to the ring and I just weep for him. He better get an agent position after all of this. Hell, make him the General Manager once the celebrity GM thing is over. Well, there’s a delay, which makes me think Mark Henry is coming out. Wait, Piven is on the screen to say no Hornswaggle. And just like I guessed, here comes Mark Henry. Sweet merciful crap, Henry’s dressed in all red with Hornswaggle’s hat. He went from almost being the #1 Contender to dressed like Kool-Aid Man. At least this should be short.

Henry tosses Chavo around and Chavo flees the ring. You know I would bet my paycheck that Cole and Lawler don’t mention that both guys were former ECW Champions. Henry scoops up Chavo and gets pops from the stupid enabling fans and gets the World’s Strongest Slam and my paycheck is safe. “At least Jeremy Piven is having fun.” How Cole? How? Sign of the decade goes to the “Sorkin 3:16” sign. Oh crap, here comes Hornswaggle, who is going to hit another tadpole splash. The two of them dance in the ring and Henry is now officially RAW’s answer to The Great Khali.

Commercial.

Piven is in the back and here’s Randy Orton. Orton’s been off the show all night, and now he’s the ring announcer? Is Orton hurt or something? Piven inserts another plug. Here’s the problem with having celebrity GM’s; it’s hard to take the main eventers seriously around them. I like that it’s making the summer interesting, but the main event scene is suffering because there isn’t a constant GM to play off of. It’s not like there aren’t options. Ted DiBiase handled his position well. Arn Anderson is sitting in the back with nothing to do. What about William Regal, the best GM probably of all time? What about Chavo?

Kingston’s out first as Cole and Lawler pimp the 7-11 cups. Here comes Big Show with Chris Jericho and a new theme song remix. Oh good, we find out who won the poll. 83% thought Shaq. Thankfully Chris is on commentary to save us. Jericho calls the fans hypocrites for picking Shaq. Brilliant.

In the ring, Big Show is manhandling Kingston. Jericho line of the night: “He just DDTd his foot!” Chris Jericho is proving that when he retires he’ll be the top commentator in the WWE by putting over Big Show in two minutes better than Cole has tried to do for months. The best thing about the current roster is that there are several people who, when they retire, will be major presences in other roles.

Kofi is trying to get some offense but does the standard leap off the rope and get caught and slammed. Jericho says that he was the #1 most trended Twitter topic. Speaking of which, follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316. Big Show goes for a splash but Kingston gets his foot on the rope. Jericho points out that he and Show have won 40 titles combined and asks Lawler how many he’s won. My guess? Lawler won the Memphis belt like 200 times.

Chris almost slips up by giving the referee a name, but thankfully corrects himself, because refs are there to be seen and not heard. Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise but doesn’t go for the pin. Kofi goes to the top rope with a leg drop, but Big Show launches him. Big Show then hits him with a spear. Let me get this straight, Show no-sells the finishing move and then dominates. Big Show hammers Kingston in the corner and gets disqualified. “What did he get disqualified for? Dominating matches? In that case he’ll get disqualified in all of his matches.” Ah Jericho, how the commentary booth needs you! Jericho mocks Kingston. “Do you see what happens?” Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? RAW is TV-PG.

Commercial.

Summerslam’s official song is brought to you by Aerosmith. Good for them. Cole, in all his tieless wonder, recaps Triple H’s loss earlier tonight. See, because 10pm Hunter can get pinned, not 11pm Hunter.

We now see Hunter in the back using what looks like a rotary phone. What the hell? Couldn’t use a cell? Hunter asks Mystery Caller if he’s watching and he says he isn’t watching. “I thought you didn’t do jobs.” Hilarity. Hunter then gets hung up on. What did he expect? Chyna is still bitter.

It’s time to pimp “The Goods” again. Hey, Ed Helms and the girl from “My Boys”. I love the girl from “My Boys”.

John Cena is out first for the Lumberjack match, and since nothing happens to Cena if he loses, my guess is he’s winning. Unless Orton attacks him and it ends in a DQ and we then have no idea what to do.

Commercial.

Next week’s General Manager is Sgt. Slaughter. Hey, he used to run RAW. Why have him host it in Canada?

Speaking of stupidity, Miz doesn’t get an entrance. Piven and Dr. Ken are at the entrance ramp, but apparently Piven is a big Randy Orton fan. Piven with the great heel turn. Why the hell didn’t they do this at the start of the show? Piven is such a natural heel that you would assume they would have started the night like this.

Orton comes out first, along with Legacy, Chavo, Masters, Swagger and Carlito. So if they were heels all along, why the hell did he book the Chavo match? Oh well, now when Miz loses, it’ll look even worse.

Miz hammers away to start the match but Cena takes over only to get launched outside. John slips back in and wails on Miz. These two actually have pretty good chemistry. Too bad the company doesn’t seem to have tons of faith in Miz. Miz knocks Cena outside and Masters puts the Masterlock on John. Wait, Cena is looking to break the Masterlock, but thankfully gets choked out.

Miz goes for the pin right next to the rope, which just makes my head hurt. Wait, where’s Big Show and Jericho? They hate Cena too. Speaking of hating Cena, the crowd seems to have grown weary over the night and barely pops for Cena’s Five Moves of Competency. Here comes the You Can’t See Me, but Orton pulls down the top rope. Glad to see stupidity exists for heels and faces equally. Orton just destroys Cena, which means Cena will still come back to beat Miz.

Legacy are dominating Cena, but they also seem to have killed what was left of the crowd. A half-hearted “Cena” chant starts and then quickly dies. Dr. Ken gives Miz a cane, but Cena turns it into an FU. And Miz loses. What was the point of any of this? Cena overcomes odds? Sure. But why get rid of Miz?

Piven is on the top rope but gets caught and is used as a battering ram. Dr. Ken has the cane but it does nothing to Cena. I take it back. Pay him ten million and keep Piven as the RAW GM. All of the heels are outside just standing there. Attack him! What the hell? He’s defenseless and outnumbered. Just jump him! Instead, Cena picks up Dr. Ken and dumps him onto Carlito and Swagger. Dr. Ken took a bad bump on his head.

Orton stares at Cena. Orton outnumbers him like 12 to 1 and yet still doesn’t attack. Who the hell knows?

This has been for your consideration.