Junk News, Huzzah!

I celebrated my birthday yesterday. It was hot. The Applebee’s was poppin’. What what?

I got one gift. It was a shower in the world of Second Life. So yeah, I cleaned up.

Jeremy Piven and comedian Dr. Ken ruined Raw on Monday. Dr. Ken kept jumping around and sucking on a pacifier, something he must have figured most pro wrestlers do. Piven called Summerslam “Summer Fest”, although he was quickly corrected by John Cena. He then thanked Joe Zima and promised this would be the last night The Mizzy would spend in the WWF.

Dr. Ken bumped his head when John Cena threw him over the top rope and needed to be carried to the back by Chris Masters. It was the least gay thing about either of their appearances on the show.

It looks like Sting is retiring for good at Bound for Glory. I never liked or hated Sting. I didn’t get his popularity when I was a kid, I’ve always hated his promos, I thought the crow gimmick was kind of retarded and his run in TNA was a huge waste of money. Goodbye Sting. We’ll miss you.

Brian Kendrick was fired recently, and he joins Umaga and Ken Kennedy as high profile castoffs. He’ll be great in the X-Division. I think he can have some amazing matches with AJ Styles, Daniels, Primo Colon and Homicide.

Lillian Garcia is on her way out as she is getting married. If it is to a professional wrestler, enjoy your new career as a battered wife. Charlie Haas knocking you off the apron was the funniest thing ever.

Summer Fest is shaping up to be a huge PPV, with John Cena versus Randy Orton and JeriShow versus Crime Tyme and DX versus Legacy and Jeff Hardy versus either CM Punk or John Morrison or both and… huh. We’ve been watching this crap for months now. I bet the same matches will be on the next PPV too. And the one after that. I bet it’ll never change. Ever.

Eugene returned at a house show, still doing the mentally handicapped gimmick. So yay. Wrestling is saved.

Brook Hogan gave an interview where she said she was approached by Vince McMahon and offered a position in the WWE. She turned him down, telling interviewers she didn’t think she had what it takes to blow Vince McMahon.

Fedor Whatshisname turned down a contract with UFC and instead signed with their competitor, Strike Force. While this angered Dana White, Rick Martel and Tom Zenk were thrilled.

It looks like Jeff Hardy will be leaving the WWE after Summerslam. He’s a little burnt out by the schedule and wants to take massive amounts of heroin.

Ken Anderson gave a radio interview where he blamed Randy Orton for everything. Also, he’s a super uber Christian and doesn’t believe in evolution. Yeah, well where was your Jesus when you got shitcanned? I’ll give you a clue… HE’S NOT REAL! You moron! You’ve been praying to the wrong God!

Anderson said during the interview that yes, he would go to TNA. He plans on immediately winning the world title before dropping it to Umaga who will drop it to Brian Kendrick who will drop it to Primo Colon who will drop it to Kurt Angle or Booker T. Then the title goes to Chris Masters.

Next week Sgt. Slaughter will be the host of Raw. Oh wow! Somebody call ESPN! That’s going to be all kinds of twittered about.

Speaking of Twitter, on August 3rd Tyler Reks was just a few blocks away from where I grew up! “So I’m walking the streets of LI lookin’ for food by myself – Great Neck plaza. Think I’ll get some food here at Pancho’s Tex Mex.” That’s an actual Tyler Reks tweet. Hope you enjoyed your WAY too expensive Mexican food Tyler. Next time hit up Ginos. It looks like a pizza place but there’s a restaurant upstairs. Also, you suck. Your being in my hometown made it suck even harder than it already does. I wish I was in Pancho’s with you so I could spit in your face as I told you how much you sucked.

I wish I could pee in your food Tyler Reks. You know what? I’m going to get into the food industry, busboy, waiter, whatever. I’m going to find out what restaurants WWE wrestlers frequent and I’m going to get a job at one, just so one day I can pee in your food. Could be tomorrow, could be 3 years from now. HA! Like you’ll have a job with WWE in 3 years. So you can spend every meal worried if this is the meal I peed in your food, or you can simply tweet how awesome I am and how sorry you are for offending me. And you better mean it.

I am so sick of assholes like Tyler Reks ruining wrestling. HEY! TYLER! YEAH YOU! THE DICKWAD RUINING MY HOMETOWN! STOP RUINING WRESTLING!

You know what? I’m declaring war on Tyler Reks. I am sick and tired of this douche and his negative attitude. I’m gonna bring him down a peg. I’m gonna nail him. He’s never going to see it coming. By the time I’m done with him, he’ll be lucky if the Insane Clown Posse wants to work with him.

I swear to God. I swear to God, he better pray I never see him crossing the street. I will floor it. I will send him back to SoCal Val in a body bag.

ECW was on. Absolutely nothing happened. Nothing. Nothing changed, nothing outstanding took place. It just existed. It will fade into the ether soon enough.

Let’s spoil Smackdown and go home to our wives.

CM Punk starts off the show talking about how smokers are evil. Hells yeah! And marijuana smokers are going to hell! I’m with you Punk! And drunks are scum! I’m on board with this! And gay prostitutes who inject crack into their anuses should pay a fine. Oh. Huh. I need to rethink this supporting CM Punk thing.

Vince McMahon emerged as Hardy and CM Punk brawled and said there would be a special enforcer for the title match! I hope it’s Christian! It would be perfect if it was Christian.

Johnny Nitro fought Tyson Kidd. Well, they didn’t really fight. It’s more like a dance, you know? Two men, pretending to do battle, shirtless, oiled, dancing. It’s really hot.

Jesse began his Smackdown retirement (fired) tour, facing Charlie Haas in a super awesome gay match.

There’s a 4-way for a shot at Rey Mysterio at Summerslam. No spoilers. It’s Dolph Ziggler vs. Mike Knox vs. Finlay vs. Pretty Ricky R-Truth. It’s a good match, tune in Friday to see who wins!

They cut back stage and show Maria talking to Melina about how much she loves her boyfriend and new number 1 contender to the IC title, Dolph Ziggler. Melina tells Maria to be careful. Maria replies, “I am being careful. I wear a dental dam when I sit on his face.”

Chris Jericho has a one on one match with JTG… oh wow.

Wow. Huh.

Chris Jericho is the man. He is absolutely the man. And he knows how to sell a match.

Khali and Ricky Ortiz put on the greatest match of all time. It’s just so good. Kane comes out and helps the greatness. Then Khali and Kane put their differences aside and focus on the music, for the good of the band.

The special enforcer comes out and CM Punk and Jeff Hardy wrestle. It sounds really intriguing. But I’m drunk.

Thanks for reading! You can write something below or not. Whatev.

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