Kurt Angle, angry at Lashley’s betrayal last week, gives the Mafia a pep talk about taking out Foley and Lashley tonight.
After about a million dollars worth of pyro, the Mafia comes on down to the ring. I’m not sure I completely follow this story. While Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner admittedly appear to be searching for a quiet place to die, the Mafia still have Joe, Angle and to a lesser extent, Booker T. Why getting rebuked by Bobby Lashley such a big deal? Nevertheless, Angle, paper-mache rose tucked in his pocket, is quite hurt. He says if Lashley won’t come out there and answer him face-to-face, Angle’s going to go backstage and find him. Lashley comes out with a bat. Lashley grabs a mic and lisps that he wanted to be part of the Mafia but feels they aren’t hungry enough for him. Angle thinks Lashley’s stupid for not joining them. Angle says that although they aren’t physically what they were, they’re smarter than everyone. Foley’s music hits and I begin contemplating what’s happened to my life. Foley says something about all the TNA Board members watching the episode on a 60-inch screen (and fails to mention Karen watching it in Jarrett’s living room) expecting ratings. If they’re still expecting ratings after witnessing firsthand the ineptitude of their booking team, they might as well step down. Long story short, tonight it will be Kevin Nash and Kurt Angle vs. Mick Foley and Bobby Lashley. If Lashley or Foley pin Nash or Angle, they win the respective belt held by them; if Nash and Angle win, they get the ratings they so want. Whatever the hell that means.
Hernandez vs. Samoa Joe
What business savvy giving one of the few matches anyone gives a shit about on free TV. Get these two done with each other so we can move them on to job to Foley and Kevin Nash respectively.
Joe with leg kicks. Hernandez flattens him with a shoulderblock. Joe fires back with chops. Hernandez drops Joe on his head with a suplex. Joe is actually fatter than Hernandez now. Joe catches Hernandez with a suplex. Joe with kneedrop for two. Hernandez starts to fight back but runs into a head and arm suplex for two. Joe with phantom punches in the corner. Hernandez slingshots into the ring with a shoulderblock. Avalance and a chokeslam gets two. Hernandez powerbomb reversed into a backdrop. Samoa runs into the corner with a back elbow and an enziguiri. Hernandez gets caught on the top rope but the superplex is blocked. Hernandez comes off the top with a splash for three. Say goodbye to whatever momentum Joe managed to scrape together these past several weeks.
Winner – Hernandez (* Slow, plodding and disjointed. One of the worst booking decisions I’ve seen in this company. And that’s saying a lot. You don’t save this for a PPV?! I guess with only 7,000 people ordering them, this is a smart move.)
Hernandez babbles about being healthy. Eh. So anti-climatic.
Joe throws a tantrum in the back. Taz chases the camera.
Lauren is backstage with Matt Morgan. He says he’ll secure his spot in the Mafia if he beats AJ Styles in the Best of 3 series. For some odd reason, Morgan actually wants to be in the Mafia. I guess it saves him from the inevitable burial if he aligns himself with the young guns.
AJ Styles, with Borash, says that despite getting styled on by Nash and Eric Young in the past couple weeks, he’s been taking on bullies like Morgan all his life. He says that if Morgan wants a fight he’ll get it.
Lashley, in Foley’s office, lisps that he was about to join the Mafia but seeing Foley getting his ass whupped last week, made him want to side with him. I don’t follow that logic but whatever works. I guess. Foley admits that he let himself down by tapping to Angle so he took that beating to gain some self-respect. What happened to crazy Foley?
AJ Styles vs. Matt Morgan
Styles uses his quickness to take control of the match. He hits a low dropkick for one. Chinlock on Morgan while he’s on his knees but Morgan stands and rams Styles into the corner. Morgan misses a charge but catches Styles and catapults him to the floor. Morgan hiptosses Styles back in. Elbows of Fury on Styles. Sidewalk slam gets Morgan a one. Morgan spikes AJ head first into the turnbuckle for two and a half. Morgan misses a legdrop over the top rope. AJ with chops and a dropkick but Morgan stays on his feet. A second one finally knocks Morgan down. AJ hits a flying forearm on Morgan in the corner and follows it with a springboard forearm. Pin gets two and a half. Morgan squashes AJ’s momentum with a knee but AJ hits the Pele out of nowhere. A sick springboard 450 splash gets the three.
Winner: AJ Styles. Leads series 1-0. (** – The match was ok. Like all TNA matches, it was short enough to make room for all the MEM vignettes.)
Traci Brooks, looking like the Wednesday matinee stripper with three kids and a bounced rent check prattles on about being better than all the other women. She says screw TNA and screw Lauren. Lauren thinks TNA’s doing their best but Brooks doesn’t think their best is good enough. Oh shit, Taylor Wilde comes out crying that Traci broke her heart. Brooks tells her to stop bitching and grow up.
The Don West asks Tara why she left WWE. Tara takes about 30 seconds to not give an answer. So they move onto Slick Johnson pounding out Madison Rayne. West tells Tara to clean it up. Tara wants Awesome Kong but West doesn’t think she can take her. Tara wants to prove she’s still got it. West thinks it’s easy to look tough when you’ve got a huge spider with you. Tara pretty much tells West to f*ck himself and leaves the interview.
ODB, Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed and Tara vs. The Beautiful People
The cameraman sould be immediately fired for missing Velvet grind the rope. It is within the realm of possibility that Madison is a man. A small but pressing chance. Tara and Love start out. The trade slaps which Tara wins. Shoulderblock brings the rest of the BP in. Tara knocks them all down before Love glaces her with a forearm. Tara almost kills both her and Love with a sloppy powrslam. A donnybrook breaks out for no apparent reason as things return to normal instantaneously. Tara with a slam but Love manages the tag to Madison. She runs into a Tara drop toe hold. Tag to ODB how drives her shoulder into Rayne’s midsection. She follows it with a Avalanche. ODB with a samoan drop. Commercials. Kong obliverates Rayne with a chop. Victoria and Kong get in a slug fest. It ends when Kong dicks her out of the ring. Kong beats down on Tara while we ignore the actual match. Now we`re back. OBD has control but gets worn down by the Beatiful People. Velvet snap mares ODB and Love hits a low drop kick for two. Love chokes ODB on the ropes. ODB says, directly into the camera, `get off me you whore` Velvet gets in a few cheapshots. Love hits a neckbreaker but spends far too much time harassing Deaner. Deaner threatens to punch her in her face, which draws cheers from the audience. Instead, he kisses her, which distresses her so much, Love staggers around aimlessly until she collapses into a schoolgirl for three.
Winner: ODB (* – I`m being very generous which just goes to show how little I`ve come to expect from this show.)
Eric Young and Team International are making their way to the ring. Yipee.
I guess these bums go by World Elite. Someone needs to tell these guys that if your group is led by Eric Young, you`re pretty much f*cked. Eric says he isn`t laughing anymore. Young starts ragging on America which draws a reflexive “USA!“ chant. Young’s story about making it big tugs at Don West`s heartstrings. Young points out that the world hates the States with their corrupt government and aggressive populace. He agrees with all the people that call Americans racist tyrants. Don West agrees “have you seen this crowd?“. I love Don West. The World Elite is going to take back from America, like they took from them. Eric’s down with being the laughing stock. Tonight, the entertainment stops and the violence begins. Ok. Eric Young can live. I didn’t know he had a promo like that in him.
Ray comes out and tells Young to love America or leave it. He tells him to respect the crowd because the crowd is the only reason their standing there. Yeah, all the free comps to Disneyland patrons are really paying those salaries. God, 3-D is so stale.
3-D rush the ring and clear the ring.
Tables Match: Team 3-D vs. British Invasion – IWGP Tag Team Championship
Kill me now. Back from the break, the teams are brawling on the floor. Bubba hip toss Williams gently over the railing. The teams take turns beating each other through the crowd. Magnus takes a spirited whip into the wall, to break up the monotony of stock brawling. Back in the ring, Bubba elbows down each member of World Elite in turn. Wazzup Drop on Magnus and D-Von is instructed to get them tables. British Invasion get control as 3-D set up the tables. D-Von slides the table out of the way just as Bubba was getting suplexed through it. D-Von clotheslines Williams to the floor. The ref gets bumped. Roid Terry comes into the ring and clotheslines D-Von down. Ray walks into a two-handed chokeslam from Roid. The table gets re-set up. Magnus mounts D-Von on the turnbuckle but is powerbombed through the table. Oh no, the ref is still out. That nefarious Eric Young grazes D-Von with the title belt, rendering him unconscious. Young drags Magnus off the table and puts D-Von in the rubble. The referee comes to and awards the match the British Invasion.
Winners and NEW IWGP Champions: British Invasion (*1/4 – Most of the match was your standard crowd brawl. I was bored silly. All the casual interference at random moments confused me.   This show needs to end soon.)
Stevie Richards comes out screaming about $50,000. He shows off a bruise on his shoulder. He threatens to treat Abyss like an animal. I have no idea what the hell is going on with them.
The training session with Jessie Neal and Rhyno is going about as good as you’d expect. He’ll be a life long jobber. In fact, Rhyno is so important, they interrupt the vignette. Backstage they Mafia is beating the hell out of Foley and Lashley while George Carlin tries to break it up.
Back from the break, Beer Money attacks Steiner and Booker. Quite predictably, they are disposed of quickly.
Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash vs. Mick Foley and Bobby Lashley
Nash already looks like shit and he hasn’t even climbed into the ring. Both Lashley and Foley’s music hits. The ramp remains empty. Just as the ref is prepared to raise Angle and Nash’s arms, surely tearing Nash’s rotator cuff in the process, Foley staggers out to take them both on. Angle and Foley kick things off. Foley rams Angle’s head into all six turnbuckles, throwing in a shot at Nash in the process. Rynning kneelift to Angle in the corner. Nash lumbers in and clotheslines Foley down. Angle takes control and beats Foley to the floor. They brawl for a moment until Nash again breaks up Foley’s advantage. Angle slams Foley’s head into the steel steps a few times. Nash gets a tag. Knees to Foley’s gut in the corner. Nash goes to the boot choke. Angle tags back in. Foley blocks a German suplex and hits the Double-Arm DDT. Foley Sockos Kurt but Nash again breaks it up with a big boot. Angle applies the Anklelock and just as Foley nearly reaches the ropes, Angle pulls him to the centre of the ring and adds a leglock. The lights go out and Sting’s music hits. The lights go out again and when they come on, Lashley is in the ring. He cleans house, finishing with a spear on Nash. Foley crawls over for the pin and the worthless Legends Title.
Winners – Foley and Lashley (3/4* Good lord, I think this show is getting worse on purpose. The match was about as bad as you’d expect a match involving Nash and Foley would be.)
Instead of celebrating the depressing fact that 200 of these abominations have made it to the airways, we should use the episode as a jumping off point in discerning whether the apocalypse is near. If TNA makes it to episode 250, without a drastic booking change, I’ll take that as conclusive proof that there is, in fact, no God.
