For Your Consideration…Punch Me in the Face so I can see some Superstars

For Your Consideration…Punch Me in the Face so I can see some Superstars

Rising up, I’ve had enough…

Why? Because Superstars deserves some love, too. Also, I haven’t done a Thursday column (my normal slot) in forever. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy watching Heat…I mean Superstars on WGN America (even though they will always be WGN Chicago to me).

And how does the WWE reward me for doing this show? By starting off with Santino Marella wrestling. Seriously? I actually try and this is what I get? On a side now, I’m pretty impressed at how big a pop he got.

Now I didn’t read the spoilers, but it took me about twelve seconds to guess that his opponent was the Matherpiece. I’ll give Chris this, he looks good. Speaking of looking good, I get to see tie-less Michael Cole on a Thursday. If there was ever a reason to drink, this is it.

So it looks like the WWE has wised up and decided that Santino can work as comic relief on RAW and a jobber on Superstars. Eventually he will turn into a jobber with no comedy time on RAW, and ultimately will become Future Endeavored Santino Marella.

In the early goings of the “match”, we’ve got Santino bouncing off of Masters like an Italian pinball. I love the fact that Masters has been back for one week and the crowd is already sick of him. What was the point of bringing this guy back? I’m all for giving someone a shot, but I think everyone on the Net would rather see Kendrick have had a shot over this guy. On the other hand, he has a great look, and if he did improve from his last run then maybe there is still money to be made. Remember folks, the WWE spent a lot of time and money to establish this guy (hell, he worked a PPV program with Shawn Michaels that didn’t completely suck).

Santino goes for his own Masterlock but Masters breaks it. Cole pointed out that some people have broken it, which is kinda shocking to me. This is the company that decided to ignore Rey’s unmasking for months, so why not just ignore their own history and give the guy something to go on? Remember, the guy who made breaking the Masterlock famous was Bobby Lashley, someone that has been all but Benoit-style erased from the history books. If memory serves me correctly, I believe Cena broke it as well, but quite frankly I don’t care enough to look it up.

Masters slaps Marella like he’s Jim Cornette and Santino broke kayfabe on Boogeyman, but Santino in turn hulks up. This goes nowhere and Masters locks in the Masterlock to (piped in) boos. Cole said that this sent a message of “I’m back…look out.” I’m pretty sure the only message he sent was “What Wellness Policy?”

Santino gets up way too soon after the move to sell his googily-eyes, which turned a killer finishing move into a jokey finishing move.

Coming up next, Rey Mysterio versus…oh come on…Mike Knox. I picked a banner week to recap Superstars, didn’t I? All this show is missing is for ECW’s contribution to be something featuring Abraham Washington. Or Ricky Ortiz.

Commercial.

We’re back and Aerosmith is being pimped. Guess Mr. Tyler won’t be guest-hosting now that we know he can’t take a bump.

Too soon?

ECW’s contribution is up next. Coming out first is the best wrestler to ever get tangled up in drapes, William Regal. The tan and always entertaining Matt Stryker and the competent Josh Matthews, both tie-less and pulling it off, pimp the awesomeness that is ECW.

Paul Burchill in a “rad” leather jacket is Regal’s partner. Glad he still has a job. After seeing him live a few weeks ago and watching him carry the over-rated Yoshi Tatsu, I think Paul proved to the WWE that he can be a great hand.

Their opponents? Oh come on, Tyler Rex. I don’t know what it is, I just can’t stand that guy. Speaking of people I despise, here comes Yoshi Tatsu. Is it wrong that I hope this just turns into Regal stiffing the shit out of both of these FCW rejects? FCW has given the WWE some great talent, including Jack Swagger and the Hart Dynasty, but the sloppiness of Yoshi and the general blandness of Tyler has got me worried.

Burchill and Yoshi are starting it off, and we can only hope that Tatsu doesn’t break his neck on another move. Stryker is trying to sell us on the idea that Yoshi appeals to Emo kids. When was the last time you saw an Asian Emo kid? Seriously. On the plus side, there’s only been like one really racist joke about him on television. Take that, Sonny Ono.

Tyler Rex pulls off a not-terrible Sunset Flip into the ring, but the advantage quickly shifts back to Team Evil. What I would give for Stryker to point out that Regal brought Burchill in as his tag partner (along with Dave Taylor). Sadly, we get none of the WWE history lessons here. Instead, we get to watch the great William Regal try to make Tyler Rex’s offense look slightly coherent.

I know I’m hard on these guys, but I was hard on Kingston when he started and he seemed to turn it around, so maybe there is hope.

Commercial.

And we’re back. Regal is selling a hurt shoulder and Yoshi and Rex are tagging in and out to do a whole lot of nothing. The bulk of the moves they seem to do is jump off the top rope and deliver an ax handle.

Burchill is in and Tatsu is…well, he’s back on the top rope going for an ax handle. Thankfully Burchill takes him off the top rope, and it was clear that Tatsu landed funny. The guy is sloppy and dangerous. Probably worse than Primo (and those that read me a lot know how much I dislike Primo).

Regal is now working on the knee as Stryker pulls out a Clue reference. I suppose if Yoshi was from China, Matt could discuss how Communism was in fact a red herring.

Burchil gets tagged in for what has got to be the fifteenth tag of this match. I would not be opposed to the angry Brits becoming a tag team again. Think about it, you get two talented workers and the alluring Katie Lea (who’s hotness might be growing on me a little).

Meanwhile, in the ring, Yoshi tries for the hot tag, which makes me wonder, if someone goes for the hot tag and the crowd doesn’t react, was it in fact a hot tag?

Tyler Rex hits some elementary moves and Regal tries to bump for him like these moves matter. Yoshi screws up a clothesline to take Burchill out of the ring as Rex goes for a crossbody off the second rope, which gets rolled through and Regal gets the pin. Then, to cement his awesomeness, he grabs Katie Lea by the hair for some reason. Rex and Tatsu breathe heavy and look chagrined.

The ECW team throw us to a package about John Cena at a Cubs game. Wow, so this show is not only Velocity but also WWE: Confidential. The package itself is pretty dull until Cena goes to the roof across the street from the park. Cena then stepped into the booth, and was shocked after hearing Cole what an actual commentator was supposed to sound like. The WWE and Cena came off as winners in the package, but, as always, the Cubs came off as losers. Let’s go Marlins.

Commercial.

Say what you want about Superstars, the show sure does go fast. Also, the commercials on WGN are so much worse than on USA that it’s way more entertaining. Did anyone out there order the $50 Gold Coin? Because if you did, just send me the money instead and I’ll just punch you in the face.

Hey, the Free Credit Report guys are on WGN too! I swear these songs are better than the majority of pop music today. Wow, that is a special kind of sad for the state of music. Glad I have my XM and my AltNation.

We’re back and more people watched Superstars than ESPN or VH-1. Random.

Speaking of random, our random superstar video is of Vladamir Kozlov. When you watch this, the 21st Century Ludvig Borga looks like a real badass.

Well it’s the Smackdown crew, so that means…Smackdown Rebound! Woo!

No, not really that excited, but I never get to talk about Smackdown. The package is designed to show that Morrison/Hardy was an instant classic. It was an entertaining match, but for some reason face Morrison is really dull. He needs his edge back. At least the finish felt fairly authentic. I’m glad the WWE went out of their way to put this match over. But wait…here comes Punk. Seriously, I’ve said since day one at Pulse that CM Punk would be the top heel in the WWE if given a shot. Well, here’s his shot, and he’s proving me right.

This Friday night: Hardy/Punk for the World Heavyweight Championship. See, I don’t read spoilers, so I don’t know who won, but I imagine that if Punk did win that I would have heard about it. Oh well, the pitfalls of a taped television show. At least it ain’t TNA.

Rey Mysterio and his interminable pyro shtick are out next. It’s sweet that Rey touches foreheads with kids in his mask, but there’s a part of it that just seems creepy.

Jim Ross is still shilling the whole “Rey as the ultimate underdog” mantra that we’ve heard about for about four years now. We get it, he’s short. He’s also held the World Title, so his whole underdog thing goes out the window.

Commercial.

Water Jet turns my garden hose into a pressure washer. It kills wasps with ease. That’s right, folks, with ease. If you don’t own one of these things, then clearly you don’t believe in the Rapture. Wow, you can wash your RV.

I miss my Castrol GTX commercials.

And we’re back and Rey’s theme is STILL playing. Imagine having to hear that annoying P.O.D. song for five whole minutes. Not even the Water Jet could wash my mind of the memory of that song.

Todd shills the 7-11 cups and Jim Ross calls Mike Knox a “Big Gulp”. Jesus. Then to show his stupidity, Grisham calls him a “Whopper”. No Todd, they don’t sell those there. You are terrible on commentary, Todd, just sit and listen to Jim Ross.

But wait…Superstars was just saved! Dolph Ziggler is joining us on commentary. Tomorrow night, Dolph, Finlay, Knox and R-Truth compete to be the #1 Contender for the Mysterio Heavyweight Title.

Well, I had high hopes for Knox on commentary, but he starts with this bon mot, “I don’t know why he still has the title. I should have the title.” Ugh. Cocky, not clueless, Dolph. In the ring, Knox is overpowering Rey Mysterio because Knox is big and Rey is small. I was reading the “Way Too Long” Review for No Way Out (shameless plug) and I forgot that Knox was in the main event Elimination Chamber a few months ago. How did he go from main eventer to “he’s still on the roster?” so quickly?

The crowd chants for a 619 as Knox has what I’m guessing was supposed to be an arm bar but instead just looked like he was holding Rey’s hand. Mysterio drops the top rope and Knox goes tumbling down. Seated Senton and Rey is on autopilot. Ziggler has added nothing to this match as we go to commercial.

Commercial.

But first, a Dolph Ziggler pimp video. That’s all well and good, but if he’s already on the show, why pimp him? Why not do one featuring Big Show or Triple H? They’re big stars and they aren’t being featured otherwise. I’m all for putting over the younger talent, but this is feeling like overkill.

I have a stupid question about KGB. If you’re texting them a question on your phone, chances are you have the Internet on your phone. It costs you NOTHING to go to Google on your phone. It costs you a dollar to use this. What could you possibly need to know so bad that you need to pay a dollar? I’m beginning to think that the normal WGN viewer is not that bright (I’d put a joke here about how superior New York is to Chicago, but I don’t wanna piss off the ghost of Eric S.)

This week’s RAW GM is Sgt. Slaughter. From Canada. Yup.

We’re back as Knox continues to “chop away on Rey”. Thanks Todd. At that moment, Knox was stomping away on Mysterio, but who am I to tell you how to do your job? I mean you used to work for the Arizona Diamondbacks. That’s prestige.

Wait, now according to Todd, Rey is chopping away at Knox. Apparently there’s a lot of chopping going on. Wonder if Axe is our sponsor. That’s right, if we’re on WGN, we have to dumb down the jokes. Live with it.

Dolph is talking about how Rey is quicker than him but that he’s also smaller than him. I swear Dolph sounds high. Look kid, when I said you were the next Savage, I meant in terms of your skill and potential, not your desire to use drugs and suck on commentary.

Mysterio beats a ten count into the ring, thankfully keeping this AWESOME match going. We haven’t seen a lumbering monster fight a smaller quick minority guy in forever. And by forever I mean Big Show/Kingston from Monday. Knox hit a fairly impressive looking tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but the match…must…continue. Ziggler finally comes to life when he says that Mysterio is nice, but so’s his neighbor and his neighbor isn’t worthy of being a champion. For the record, his neighbor is Ricky Ortiz.

Jim Ross just called Mike Knox a young athlete, even though he looks like a 400-year-old Viking. I’m not gonna buy Knox as a young guy. Mysterio hits a Springboard and is transitioning into his Cinco Moves of Doom.

It’s funny that Dolph is so silent that the production staff keeps having to cut to Ziggler just to remind us that he’s sitting there. Rey hits some dropkicks before Knox hits an impressive looking cross-body. Wow, Knox has hit two decent looking moves. Too bad the majority of his offense is punch-kick-punch. He’s like Snitsky only, to my knowledge, his boot has never caused an abortion.

Mysterio hits a “game changing” DDT. For more on Todd Grisham’s commentary skill, go to WWEShop.com and by “One…Two…He Got Him: Cliched Wrestling Phrases by Todd Grisham”. Meanwhile, Ziggler gets Knox disqualified but Rey flees before the double-team can happen. Apparently once Rey left the ring, they couldn’t chase after him…even though he’s laying on the entrance ramp.

So once again logic eludes the heels of the WWE.

Alright, I’m done. Off to go watch “Big Brother” on the DVR and see who got evicted. You can follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler.

This has been for your consideration.