1) OK, quick recap so everyone’s on the same page. Your chefs this season are Amanda, Ariel, Boston Andy, Stoner Dave, Slow Jim, Long Island Joseph, Kevin, Louie, Lovely, Melinda, Sabrina, Suzanne, Tek, Tennille, Tony, and Van. As each chef gives me a reason to nickname them, I will. In the first three episodes, Louie got kicked off during a dinner service for screwing up the lamb too many times, Melinda was voted out b/c she didn’t know how to cook pasta (wasting nine portions that Chef Ramsay discovered in the garbage can), Robert from last season came back (yeah, the guy that left due to a heart illness!), Long Island Joseph left because he wanted to fight Chef Gordon Ramsay in the parking lot (stay classy, South Shore!), and Tony was voted out. Everyone got it? Good.
2) We have a couple of confessionals where Tennille and Van both talk about how much they hate Suzanne and Andy, respectively. In a SHOCKING SWERVE, they’ll be partnered with their “nemeses” for the next challenge. It’s designed to build teamwork, something Chef Ramsay correctly notes is in very short supply in this kitchen. Chef Ramsay brings out sausage grinders, and tries to grind out some innuendo-laden conversations with the contestants about liking sausage and handling your meat. It’s kind of painful to watch, because no one wants to participate except Van. He knows you have to keep your hands steady while you pump. Thanks, Van!
3) Reward challenge is to make six sausage chains of six links each. Suzanne and Tennille put up the first chain for the girls. Team Gimp (Stoner Dave with his sprained wrist and Kevin with his twisted ankle) put up the first chain for the guys. Boston Andy and Van put one up despite Van’s ridiculous yelling (“STOP! GOGOGOGOGOGO!! STOP!!!”) Despite all that pep talking, Robert and Slow Jim managed to make zero chains the whole time. The girls win this one. They get a “German” party; their own Oktoberfest with beer and the finest sausages. I want my own oompah band to follow ME around!
4) The guys have to clean the dorms. Seems a bit early in the season for this punishment, but whatever. Robert and Kevin almost throw down b/c Kevin makes the [correct] observation that six executive chefs (including him! Can we call this a reality show first that someone holds themselves just as accountable as the people they’re bitching about?) can’t make six chains of sausage. Gotta say, I agree with him. And we get our first appearance in six seasons of Father Figure Sous Chef Scott, as he doles out some sage advice to Robert and the gang. He sternly but gently calls Robert out for only showing his passion during punishments. Robert in turn recounts how he almost died last season for this, while cursing, screaming, throwing things, breaking a mop, and essentially all the things I think they tell people with pericarditis to NOT do.
5) Speaking of reality-show-career-ending injuries, Stoner Dave gets a call about the wrist he fractured last week. Suggestion from the doc is a long arm cast w/ no thumb movement. Stoner Dave confessionalizes with the standard “I don’t know what to do; I want to be here so much,” which in these shows makes no sense. Possible permanent bone/muscle damage? And I can get canned next week if someone decides to throw me under the bus? Sign me up! Anyway, Stoner Dave’s in Chef Ramsay’s office, but “luckily” his injury is to his weaker hand. After Chef Ramsay tells him how awful it would be for him to leave Hell’s Kitchen and this potentially amazing opportunity, Stoner Dave decides to continue, so let’s see how this works out. Stoner Dave lets the team know and they all seem less than enthused that he’s continuing, as he’ll probably slow up dinner service.
6) Dinner service challenge. Two contestants have to go out in the dining room once a table’s order comes in to serve an amuse-bouche before the rest of the kitchen can start cooking any orders for that table. Whoa, Kid (Chris Reid) is here (sans Play)! And John O’Hurley! And Tom Green! Ooh, and Lady Heather from CSI:! I can’t wait to see what their wacky complaints are. Oh, here they come! John O’Hurley sends back his pasta appetizer back with a forced too-salty comment that “it’s like he’s a cow and he’s got a salt lick.” Wacky! Tom Green is looking at his wrist (with no watch), and pretending like he and his date need to be somewhere (“Don’t we need to be at that movie? Or the ballet?”). Comedy! Drew Lachey is wondering where his food is. I and the entire Hell’s Kitchen audience are wondering who Drew Lachey is.
7) Standard backwards progress in the Blue Kitchen. Slow Jim justifies his slowness by saying “It all eventually gets done.” You new here, Slow Jim? Boston Andy keeps messing up the lamb. He confessionalizes that he’s not an “Alpha,” and that everyone will be gunning for him. Yup, so far that’s right on the money. Contestants on this show will do and say anything to make someone else look like a failure — acting like dead weight just does their job for them. Robert notices that the lamb is wrong, yells, and Andy, predictably, curses Robert out in the confessional. Robert further cuts Boston Andy down by bringing lamb to Sous Chef Scott and basically saying, “This is bad, right?” and yelling at Andy even more when he’s told it sucks. Good tactic here by Robert — the other contestants don’t need to actually see Boston Andy doing anything wrong, they just need to know what name they heard being yelled the most so they can put that person up for elimination.
8) Stoner Dave comes back with an enormous cast on (with his thumb extended in a permanent “thumbs up” gesture), and is put on desserts. It’s two hours in, 45 entrees are out for each team. There are three left for each, and the first to finish entrees (somehow, not dessert) wins! Boston Andy tries to bring raw-in-the-middle chicken. Tied with undercooked risotto, this is the A-Number-1 Hell’s Kitchen sin. Chef Scott gets in his face and tells him there better be a cooked chicken at the pass by the time the rest of the last entrees are done (or he will murder him). Parenthesis mine. Sous Chef Scott seems very vested in the Blue Team this season. Maybe he’s got a bet with Chef Ramsay that if the Blue Team doesn’t win the majority of the challenges, he gets sent back down to Food Network Challenge.
9) Editing makes it look like the last dishes go up at the same time, but apparently the men won this dinner service. Chef Ramsay says the girls were ‘beaten by the sides’ — apparently the problem was garnish. Suzanne raises her hand and demands a “play-by-play” of how they lost. Chef Ramsay, predictably, gives her a look and tells her to “Take it on the ****ing chin, with a little bit of respect. End of ****ing story — you lost.” Sabrina is the best of the worst — pick 2 people up for elimination. The usual politicking ensues by the girls to not get put on the elimination block by Sabrina. She turns it sideways by saying, essentially, thanks for your excuses, but she already knows.
10) The first nominee is Tek for her performance, and the second is Lovely for failing at the garnish station. This marks Lovely’s third time up for elimination. Tek gives the same speech everyone gives when Chef Ramsay holds their reality-show-winning dreams in his hands (she’s passionate about food, she’s really good at what she does, she’s got so much more to show him, etc. etc.). Chef Ramsay calls Lovely slow and so laid back in the kitchen that she doesn’t break a sweat. She says she is fast, and does move fast enough to sweat, Chef Ramsay just doesn’t see it. The look on his face is priceless as he incredulously asks her to verify what she just said — that she moves so fast he doesn’t see her. She nods and gives an emphatic yes. Chef Ramsay has his patented “Why the f*ck do I keep letting my producers surround me with f*cking idiots?” face on. He tosses the question to Suzanne, and asks her who she would send home. Lovely is the answer, and Chef Ramsay agrees. She exit interviews that she’ll keep moving fwd, etc.
Next time: a soldier is honored, lots of shouting, it looks like the girls lose at least one challenge, some people will get to fly in an airshow plane, kids cry, there is shouting, and Chef Ramsay kicks a garbage can! What does he have against that garbage can?
