For Your Consideration…Slaughter? More like a Massacre

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For Your Consideration…Slaughter? More like a Massacre

Sorry the column’s going up this morning. Last night I wasn’t able to watch RAW live, so thanks to this fun temporary no-job, no-studying, post-Bar limbo, I have a free Tuesday morning to dedicate to the WWE. Standard Monday night rules apply (I will not fast forward through a match no matter how dull). Lastly, shameless Twitter plug at twitter.com/awheeler316 or you can reach me at awheeler316@yahoo.com and feel free to post your comments at the bottom of the column.

Housekeeping finished, on to the show.

Rest in…mah gawd what an impact!

We open from Calgary…dramatic pause…Alberta Canada, and the lights are out. Apparently the maple syrup that they use to power the arena ran low. We hear Lillian Garcia who introduces Randy Orton who is standing in the middle of the ring. Ooo…spooky. It’s like the opening of Rocky Horror, only slightly less gay.

Randy soaks up the boos as he suspends the belt above his head whole Cole and Lawler remind us that Canadians tend to cheer heels. Apparently Canada is “bizarro land”, which means they say “hello” when they leave, “goodbye” when they come in, and have nothing but respect for TNA. Sick bastards.

Orton apparently has been hearing rumors (on top of voices) that he’s worried about losing to Cena. The paranoia is almost like Big Brother (which also featured RAW GM Jeremy Piven). Randy bullied Piven and can bully everyone else for the same reason, because he’s on the gas. Randy doesn’t answer to the people. Wow, I wonder if this will draw out the GM. Randy said the people’s opinions don’t matter to him. But his opinion? It has the power to get people fired…fired.

The Canadians begin a “You suck” chant, which of course means he’s great because this is Bizarro Land. Orton then spoils Summerfest by telling us that he’s going to beat Cena. And here comes John Cena, and according to Lawler this isn’t a rumor. I don’t think Lawler knows what the word rumor means.

Cena’s in the ring and the crowd is chanting for him. Bizarro. Oh good, this week we get serious Cena, not jokey Cena. For some reason, serious Cena sounds like a preacher with his cadence. Well, time to sit back and listen to someone say nothing for a few minutes.

Why is John Cena yelling? Seriously, just because you’re using loud noises doesn’t make you more intimidating. It makes you sound hard of hearing. Cena and Orton are nose-to-nose so that the graphics department can make the logo for the Summerfest promos. It’s like John sits in the back with a checklist to make sure he gets all the points for the PPV hype video.

John Cena is 250 pounds of problem, and he wants to rip Orton in half. It’s times like this that seem to show how there is zero logic. Randy has an army at his disposal, why the hell are they not in the ring protecting him? You can’t have a cowardly heel who is willing to stand toe-to-toe with his challenger.

Wait, I hear a poorly merged theme song, which can mean only one thing…Jerishow! Here comes Team WCW in dapper suits. Sadly, when Chris stands next to Show, he looks like he’s about to recite his Torah portion at his Bar Mitzvah. Big Show calls this amusing, which shows that Show doesn’t know the meaning of the word amusing. I wish WWEShop.com sold dictionaries. Might make this show a little more edumacated.

Big Show claims that neither Orton know Cena know intimidation, but gets interrupted by a Y2J chant. Oh I can’t wait for him to rip into these Canadians. Apparently Big Shows’ breath is intimidating. Cena turns it into a joke about Show blowing Shaq. TV-PG FTW.

Jericho gets the stick and gets cheered and now Jericho goes the Bret Hart route to get the pop despite being a heel. Oh I hope he keeps this up. Seriously, Chris is insanely over. Canada is where he grew up in, where he trained, and the country, according to Cena, that he chose to leave. Way to make yourself a heel in the one place you actually got a pop, dumbass.

Jericho met with Slaughter earlier tonight and tonight Jericho has a one-on-one match against Cena, which he claims is something he never had happen before. Uh…pretty sure we saw it already. Oh, it’s a first because Jericho never beat Cena. Ah. Wait, Randy Orton and his clunky delivery promises to punt Cena in the skull. This prompts the world’s largest Men’s Wearhouse suit to interject and point out that he is facing Randy Orton. Orton/Big Show. Is it possible for me to take back my promise to not fast-forward through matches?

Lawler and Cole immediately recap the matches that were literally announced 30 seconds earlier as we get a shot of Slaughter’s chin.

Wait, we are also going to get “The Search for Shawn Michaels” tonight. Ugh.

Commercial.

New Mike Judge trailer for Extract. Now that is one hell of a cast. Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, Kristen Wiig, J.K. Simmons and Ben Affleck. Badass. September 4th can’t get here soon enough. Sure “Idiocracy” was kinda disappointing, but it had its moments. I think this movie is going to return Judge to the pantheon of brilliant comedy writers.

We’re back with a poll question. “Who did Slaughter beat to win the WWE Championship?” How is this a poll? I think it was a way to get Savage, Hogan and Warrior on television.

Hey, a Diva four-way. Oh wait, it’s a match. They are smart, sexy and powerful. Really? Never heard that. Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, AutoZone…wait, that’s just a promo, Gail Kim (who looks lost as soon as she walks through the curtain) and Beth Phoenix. Well, my money’s on Kim, but they could play it safe and just give it to Phoenix. The winner gets a “down the road” title shot.

Alicia Fox and Gail Kim go at it as Beth Phoenix treats Kelly Kelly like it’s her first day in prison. Everyone trades pinfalls quickly because apparently that’s the only move they can’t botch. Just as I say that, Alicia Fox hits a surprisingly effective looking backbreaker.

On the bottom of the screen, we’re reminded that Triple H will be on Jimmy Fallon Tuesday night. Alright. It might be a little late to promote Blade Trinity. IN the ring, Gail Kim has Kelly staddled across the top rope and she’s just kicking her. This somehow turned into a double gutbuster attempt which looked cool, but Alicia Fox broke it up. Beth now yells at her and it’s a race riot! Fox gets dumped out of the ring and Gail Kim actually gets a mild pop. Apparently she’s elastic-like according to Cole. Then, using WWE logic, she jumps out of the ring rather than finish off her in-ring opponent. This leaves Kelly to jump…to the outside. When Jim Ross suggests that you should watch vintage wrestling to learn logic, he didn’t mean Jeff Hardy.

Gail drops Alicia Fox in the ring with a modified Codebreaker and I won my bet. She’s got her amorphous future title shot, which will be redeemed anywhere from now until…let’s say Armageddon (or whenever the WWE remembers they have a Women’s Division on RAW). Cole makes a pun about defeat and de-feet, and here comes Slaughter. Oh I hope he just comes out and fires him.

The crowd has deafening apathy for Slaughter, who is absent his American flag. Guess Lance Storm was busy tonight. Sarge is getting booed, which makes me hope he turns on the fans and rejoins Iraq. Slaughter talks about his respect for his neighbors of the north. Oh how I wish the Mountie would show up and put a stop to this. The Canadian flag is on the tron and then gets a red X through it. Alright. Slaughter turns heel on the Canadians and that they would all be speaking Russian and French if not for the USA. Can this end with Jim Duggan coming out and defending Canada? I mean, who doesn’t like late WCW angles?

The crowd is chanting asshole, which is cute because it has a slightly Canadian tinge, so it sounds like ass-hule. Slaughter demands that the fans salute the American flag as he leads the Pledge of Allegiance. Why the hell didn’t they think of doing this in the late 90’s when they actually had the Hart Family? This interminable segment ends with Slaughter leaving. So we had this whole segment and it didn’t get anyone over?

Commercial.

WWE Superstars, expect everything. Well, everything EXCEPT Ricky Ortiz! That’s right, folks, Ricky Ortiz has been future endeavored! I’ve been begging for it since he started on television and couldn’t be happier. Abraham Washington, don’t answer your phone.

We’re back as Cole and Lawler use super-fast voices to recap the Triple H nonsense from last week. Thanks to the magic of video tape, we get to hear the entire Triple H promo from last week.

On camera now, the future mayor Jerry “Goldie Wilson” Lawler and Michael “hip because I don’t wear a tie” Cole continue to hype what I’m sure won’t be a lame comedy tape featuring Triple H.

Speaking of not lame, here comes Jack Swagger. He’s facing Bourne again in the rubber match. Not the elastic match, mind you, because we already saw Gail Kim. Please keep your malleable elements separate.

Hopefully the reason Swagger won so quickly last week was to allow tonight’s match to go longer than two minutes. Michael Cole said that he talked to Evan Bourne earlier and that Bourne said if he did it once he can do it again. Feel free to make your virgin jokes about him here.

Speaking of pounding, Swagger is walloping Evan Bourne. In a moment of what I can only assume is accidental continuity, Cole points out that Swagger was a former ECW champion. The innovative, high octane and (insert comment usually reserved for Mysterio) Bourne leaps over the top rope onto Swagger’s outstretched knee and frankly I’m shocked he didn’t break his back.

Jack turns this into a rest hold, but Bourne does a flippy move (TM Dusty Rhodes) to regain control. I still maintain that this should have been a war for the ECW Title, but Vince got greedy and threw them both on RAW. Bourne goes for a flying headscissors and Swagger just stopped him. Take that centripetal motion!

Swagger launched Bourne into the turnbuckle and hits the gutwrench powerbomb and it’s all over. Apparently the goal of this match was to show that he takes punishment and still win. Instead, it just made Bourne look like a complete jobber.

Jack has the microphone but he’s still blowing up. The audience (including a guy wearing Bret Hart shades) boos as MVP comes out in his sharp shirt. According to MVP, the only people who care less about him being an All-American are the Canadians. Apparently they hate him for being a loud-mouthed idiot. Alright. MVP said that he has the ability to beat Jack Swagger and then MVP challenges him for a match TONIGHT. That’s right, all caps. Jack, ignoring the all caps, makes the match for next week. MVP shoves him down, and Swagger sits and snarls. Because nothing makes you seem like a dominant heel like sniveling like a petulant child. I’m pretty sure that’s how Harley Race got over.

Tonight, Randy Orton versus Amish Roadkill. Wait, that’s the Big Show.

Also tonight, Cena versus Jericho.

Coming up next, the Search for Shawn Michaels! My guess is Hunter start with a church.

Commercial.

We’re back and it’s time to bring on the comedy! Oh how I wish Hunter would have hired Leslie Nielson to search from Shawn like he did for Taker. Any mark worth his salt would rather see the clip of Taker as a pizza delivery guy over this nonsense.

We open on a nondescript building. Hunter’s at some office building that is clearly not the WWE headquarters. There’s a guy with a long ponytail who clearly isn’t Shawn. This leads to a few gay jokes. Some bitchy girl is demanding a hamburger and chef Shawn Michaels tells her off. Ah, he’s a chef now. I thought he got JBL’s money and wasn’t poor anymore. Guess he’s back on the white horse and blew through it all. Hunter finds him as a chef and the segment…ends.

Lawler and Oscar nominee Michael Cole try so hard to sell this as funny that I think Cole tore his ACL. I’m kidding, he’s not Batista.

Oh good, Slaughter is back out again. Sgt. Slaughter to sing the anthem and calls out Celine Dion. Stop the pain. My guess is it’ll be Jillian Hall. Sure enough, here she comes in the Uncle Sam costume Torrie Wilson used to wear. White with foam! White with foam! Lawler said that Jillian Hall is much prettier with her mouth closed, and again I’m going to leave that joke alone.

Commercial.

We get a Monk tribute video with Eve Torres and Mr. McMahon. If he were a WWE superstar, he’d be a Monkinator and his finishing move would be the clean sweep. This for some reason leads to The Great Khali showing up. Apparently tonight’s RAW is all about hilarity. Who cares? Ricky Ortiz is gone!

We’re back and…oh come on…Eugene. It’s a contract on a pole match! The winner apparently gets a slot on RAW. His opponent is the Calgary Kid. Who I’m sure isn’t Miz. Nope, couldn’t be Miz. Not at all.

Well, Eugene might have been unemployed but he certainly has been eating well. Guess those Somas make you hungry. Eugene hits a Rock Bottom and busts out the People’s Elbow and I’m already sick of him. Sorry Nick.

Eugene climbs the pole but Not the Miz stops him. Eugene is dropped from the top turnbuckle and the Calgary Kid wins. The Kid helps Eugene up and then drops him with The Stroke. Oh wait…it IS The Miz! What a swerve! That wasn’t on my programming sheet! It’s almost like a qualifying match!

The Miz is back, and he’s awesome.

Orton’s in the back and he’s walking slow, which is coincidental because Big Show works slow.

Commercial.

On ECW we get to see who will challenge Christian. Huzzah.

The WWE rewind is brought to you by 7-11. Oh thank heaven, we get to relive Kingston/Show.

I hear voices, but they aren’t in my head, they’re Cole reminding us what show we’re watching. Thanks Cole. I thought for a minute I was watching “Antiques Roadshow”, but then I remembered TNA is on Thursdays.

Next week RAW is in Orton’s hometown. Tonight, sadly, we are still in Bizarro World, which I guess means that this match will be 5-stars and blow the roof off of the building. And just as I finish writing that, Lawler reminds us we’re in Bizarro World. Thanks Jerry. Go back to pimping convenience stores.

I wonder where the hell Legacy is. Like I said before, you have a posse to protect you in moments like this.

Big Show draped in gold comes out…alone. Why no Jericho on commentary? Come on! I promised not to fast-forward through this nonsense, the least they could do is protect me from Cole calling this.

“What if you lose to Big Show before Summerslam? Will you lose momentum?” Thanks Cole. Jerry rebounds by pointing out that Show’s cereal bowl has a lifeguard. Jerry is the king of the borscht belt.

Show goozles Orton and hits a headbutt. Randy gets a punch to the gut, sucking the wind out of him and the audience. Michael points out that Big Show has mallet-like hands. So rather than steal Jim Ross’s ability to convey emotion, Cole instead chose to steal JR’s odd habit of comparing Big Show to household appliances.

Meanwhile, in the ring, Big Show continues to punch and kick and stomp. The crowd is silent. Here’s a hint, when your WWE Champion draws silence, this isn’t a good sign. Unless it’s Triple H. Then it’s just hushed anticipation.

Cole talks about how Big Show is more dominant than ever. Which was his gimmick when he first showed up. And when he was Undertaker’s protégé. And when he was Paul Heyman’s protégé. And when he was a trained boxer who was going to kill Floyd Mayweather. And when he was drafted to RAW. And when he developed submission skills.

Orton is now in control and goes for the second rope DDT. It felt like an…ugh…massive tremor. Thanks Cole. Randy is now busting out a few Garvin Stomps. Orton is looking for the RKO but gets launched midair. Randy is overselling every single move Big Show uses. Here comes the chokeslam but the 13-year-veteran doesn’t realize Randy is next to the ropes.

Big Show cocks back the fist and apparently Show has knocked out the best that the WWE has to offer. See Charlie Haas, you are well respected.

Randy, in a moment of mercy, gets counted out to end this match. The crowd has no idea what to do here as Orton leaves. Look, I’m all for continuing to play up the cowardly aspect, but he is still WWE Champion and the first thing he should have done after sliding out of the ring was grab his title. Your champion is supposed to be a coward, but he’s also supposed to be a coward obsessed with his belt. Come on guys, this isn’t anything new.

Speaking of nothing new (and continuing a night of transitions), we get more of Triple H and Chef HBK. Michaels said that after Mania there was nothing more to do, and that he found a bond with corporate nimrods. Oh good, the little girl shows up again to throw tater tots at Shawn. HBK says that he’s happy and…cue flaming kitchen. Well, this is better than a Mark Henry match, but not by much. In the end, Michaels is willing to hear Shawn out. Thank goodness, because next up would have been Hunter visiting X-Pac at his place of work.

I’m kidding, X-Pac couldn’t get a job.

Commercial.

Did You Know? A lot of people went to WWE.com. Oh, and did you know it’s not called “Did You Know” but rather the topical “WWE Rocks.” Either that or the company now has a geology site.

MVP is out now and is facing Chris Masters. Oh come on! This no fast-forward thing is just kicking me in the ass.

Speaking of guys who know about taking things in the ass (a roids joke, not a gay joke), here comes the Matherpiece. Cole reminds us that these two don’t like each other because of the Beat the Clock challenge. Wow, that match was like two weeks ago, I can’t believe we remember it.

Masters is showing his new technical skill by stomping on MVP. Masters then throws a competent dropkick. Wow, color me impressed. Then, just to ensure I don’t die of shock, Masters grabs a resthold. Porter somehow turns this into a throw and has regained control.

MVP just doesn’t seem all that motivated. Remember when he was a cocky heel with the world at his feet? Well, just like Mister Kennedy…Kennedy, he turned face and began working formulaic matches trying to get the fans to love him. MVP hits the Playmaker out of nowhere and Chris Masters is back in the ranks of glorified jobber.

Here comes Jack Swagger, and if he and Masters tagged together, we’d finally have Team Speech Impediment. Porter continues to stand with his back to Masters until finally the Matherlock is applied. Swagger taunts him and then wants the limp Porter to hit the gutwrench. Why would Swagger associate with a loser like Masters in the first place? One guy is a future WWE Champion and the other guy is a taller Paul Roma.

Cole reminds us that Slaughter is our GM and we get clips of Piven talking about his WWE experience. He pimped RAW on Jimmy Fallon, with Regis and Kelly, and ultimately ends with Dr. Ken threatening John Cena. Tieless Cole hypes our legitimately great main event. I always enjoyed Cena/Jericho matches.

Commercial.

We’re back with more HBK/HHH Comedy Hour. Hunter starts putting Michaels over as they make burgers, and the world’s longest SNL skit continues. Hunter wants Michaels back at Summerslam to reform DX, and Michaels said he thought it was Summerfest. Well played, Clerks. This brings out some manager from the back who calls him Hickenbottom, continuing the DX trend of breaking kayfabe. Remember when that was innovative? Shawn Michaels then Superkicks his boss and brings back DX. Uh Shawn, that’s not in a wrestling ring so that’s technically battery. Thankfully I know a good lawyer. To finish the segment, Shawn Superkicks the little girl and quits. I’m not gonna lie, Shawn…you’re probably wanted by the police.

Cole again tries to oversell the laughs and we get to find out what the answer to this brain teaser was. Who did Slaughter beat? The Ultimate Warrior according to 51%. Lawler said he thought it was Savage, and Cole calls him the best commentator in the business. I don’t know if he meant Lawler or Savage.

Slaughter tries to turn face again and says that everyone is part of the WWE Universe. Oh please let him bring out Midget Bret Hart. Here comes the music, and it’s…Hacksaw Jim Duggan! Wow, I have never been more upset to be right. Duggan and Slaughter are back together, and what a great tag team they almost sorta were for a few weeks in the early 90’s. Cole threatens that this bizarre edition of RAW will continue.

Commercial.

On ECW we’ll get Christian on the…oh fuck me in the beard…the Abraham Washington Show.

We’re back with Hornswaggle and Koolswaggle. Apparently this is a tag team. They will face Chavo and a partner of Chavo’s choice. Too bad Kendrick was released, he was tailor-made to job here.

Ooo…Chavo, in fancy clothing. Chavo promises to have a tag team as the crowd chants for Bret Hart. The replacement team…Legacy. Oh good, they are on what now seems like their fifteenth version of a Legacy theme song. And after they job to DX, they’ll be no more.

Way to kill your crowd. And what was the point of elevating Mark Henry only to return him to comedy bits? I’m not complaining, just asking. Also, how soon until Mark Henry and MVP become a tag team?

Cody goes for a right hand on Henry but gets gorilla pressed. Hey, he shouldn’t toy with Legacy, they beat Triple H! It only took two of them. DiBiase and Rhodes are now double-teaming Mark Henry in what is essentially another handicap match, and Henry double-suplexed them.

Rhodes gets shot out of the ring and DiBiase eats the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry tags in Hornswaggle. See, right there DiBiase could have been pinned. Swaggle misses and he’s alone and gets dropped with Dream Street. Yeah, they are so going to beat DX. They beat a midget! Maybe next week they can beat the team of Jamie Noble and Goldust and really cement themselves as top contenders.

Oh no, someone gave Teddy a microphone. DiBiase promises to make DX’s return the shortest comeback in history. Short of botching a move and injuring one of them, I doubt that’ll happen.

Jericho’s in the back and promises to beat Cena. I love that Chris Jericho is going pure face here. Big Show pops up and complains that Orton fled. Jericho now becomes a James Bond villain and explains in great detail the intricacies of his plan. See, he’s from the United States and Canada sucks.

Commercial.

Smackdown: Punk/Morrision III.

We’re back and next week our celebrity GM is Freddie Prinze Jr. Then maybe the week after that we can get another member of Creative.

Wow, those WWE folks work fast as we get a graphic showing us DX v. Legacy. What a crack staff.

Here comes Cena and it’s main event time. The fans are booing Cena as we are AGAIN reminded that this is Bizarro World. Cole hammers into our heads that Jericho really is a bad man as we go to…

Commercial.

The match now starts and, wow, wrestling. On a wrestling show. Stunning. The crowd is torn between booing Cena and cheering for Jericho as Lawler takes them time to explain the Bizarro reference.

Cena hits a few shoulderblocks and then grabs an awkward headlock. It’s almost as if Cena forgot how to wrestle for a second. Jericho powers out of it and is trying to wrestle as the face.

Jericho whips Cena back into the ring and begins the kick-kick offense perfected by Chris Masters. The two of them do the quick boo-cheer punch spot before Cena takes over with shoulder-blocks.

Then, as the crowd is loudly booing, a tonedeaf Lawler says that the crowd is fully supporting Cena. Cena goes for the “You Can’t See Me” but Jericho rolls him up but this gets reversed into an FU which gets reversed into a bulldog which gets turned into a Lionsault which is blocked and turned into an FU which is reversed and turned into the Walls of Jericho. That’s the kind of spot you can only do when you have wrestled someone as many times as these two did.

Jericho pulls Cena back to the center of the ring, but Cena reverses it into the STFU, or as Cole called it, “his submission move.” Jericho has 1,004 holds and apparently Cena has one. Orton slides into the ring and for some reason this is a disqualification. Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Cena and Jericho slaps Orton and Orton launches Jericho out of the ring. In the end, Big Show appears and Chokeslams Orton.

Slaughter shows up and books a tag match for next week: Show/Jericho versus Orton/Cena. Wacky tag partners that don’t like each other? Fresh and exciting things on RAW.

Orton and Cena both dump Show out of the ring. Cena sets Jericho up for the FU and Orton turns it into an RKO. An RKFU? Either way, that was a pretty sick move. The two RAW folks stare at each other and we…are…outta…here.

This has been for your consideration.