Junk News, Huzzah!

Huge news this week from the world of wrestling. HA! Huge news from the world of wrestling. You know what would be huge news from the world of wrestling? If it was made illegal. Or if a wrestler figured out a cure for cancer. Other than that, it’s all junk news.

Let’s begin with Tyler Reks. Many of you have not written and asked why I was so tough on him last week. Shut up! You’re worse than that piece of dick cheese Tyler Reks. Look at his dumb ass twitter. “Airport food. What a rip man. Talk about racketeering.” WOW! How insightful! No one has ever ripped on airline food before. Oh wait, my mistake. EVERYONE has. Jerry Seinfeld made his career off of it, but he wasn’t a wrestling surfer. I guess you’re the first wrestling surfer to comment on airline food on twitter. You know what you are? You’re a little bitch. I would pimp slap you like the little bitch you are.

You know what the Jamaican word is for a white person with dreadlocks? Asshole.

Okay, what’s on the webpages? I can’t believe Tyler Reks thinks people care about what he thinks about airline food.

Looks like the former Ken Kennedy is preaching anti-Evolution around Italy. Not just the group. The guy is opposed to the idea of evolution as a species. Sarah Palin lover. Have fun working with Scotty 2 Hottie in YWF or something, dick.

Brian Kendrick was told he was let go because of the economy and not his massive amount of weed violations. Yeah, his 50K a year is really going to stem the tide. Oh, Ricky Ortiz was also fired. So that’s 80K now. Yay! The McMahon’s can now afford to eat!

Linda Bollea, identified as her husband’s fake wrestling name by Lords of Pain, recently gave an interview to ABC’s Good Morning America. She had things to say on a number of topics:

ON HULK CHEATING WITH BROOKE’S FRIEND: “Why is Brooke spelled with an e?”

ON HER 19 YEAR OLD BOYFRIEND: “His enthusiasm makes up for his lack of talent.”

ON HULK SAYING HE UNDERSTOOD HOW OJ FELT: “I don’t understand why he would say that. Neither does my 19 year old boyfriend who drives Hulk’s car. Did you know PWI Wrestler of the Year Awards make great toilet paper? So do copies of No Holds Barred. My IQ barely qualifies me to have a driver’s license and I have half Hulk’s money.”

ON BROOKE CLAIMING LINDA STILL USES DRUGS: “She said that in the press? She called me a druggie in the press? Her mother who raised her? What a bitch.”

ON ME REPORTING ON THIS: “I’d say this hardly qualifies as wrestling news.”

Congrat to Zach Belyea, the 15 year old grand prize winner of WWE’s SummerSlam Reading Jam contest, teaching four WWE Superstars how to read. “Now I can read ma movie scriptz. Thankz JaySON!” said John Cena, once again forgetting the name of the winner, just enjoying saying Jason that way.

Lance Hoyt’s new name is Lance Archer. So the new way to say it is Lance Archer sucks ass.

The WWE has new photos of Michelle McCool in some kind of blue tent like thing. She also has really ugly shoes. And her face is kinda fugly.

Lance Storm was backstage at Raw on Monday, reminiscing about all the times he was fired for ridiculous reasons. “Those were fun times, back when GRUT still had readers,” said Lance Storm stupidly.

Looks like Shaq will be returning to Raw to have a kinda terrible match with The Big Show. Have fun working with the most racist company on the planet Shaq. Maybe you can be Pretty Shaqqy. “Hey Pretty Ricky, wanna get high and kicked out of a YMCA?” “I’sa say that soundsa like a daring doo Pretty Shaqqy! I have 18 kids and pay no child support!” “I did gay stuff in jail!” “It’sa ain’t gay if yo locked up wit a Pretty Ricky!” And so on. Really classy stuff.

To be fair, ANYTHING is better than that What’s Up rap.

At a recent creative meeting Vince McMahon screamed, “Why can’t we create new stars?!” He then added, “Now how are we doing on that angle where we turn MVP and The Miz into jobbing lovers?”

William Regal is the new number one contender to Christian’s world title, meaning they’re going to have a match at Summerslam. Wow. I really thought they’d get someone more credible for Christian to feud with, like Eugene or one of those jobbers Kozlov beats up.

Triple H was censored on The Jimmy Fallon show for using the word twat. It wasn’t meant to be dirty though, as Triple H said, “So I was eating out Chyna’s twat while my friend Sean was humping her face. Heh. Those were fun times back then in 2008.”

The data is coming in, and it looks like the worst rated episodes of Raw are the ones hosted by celebrities (except for Shaq). Wow! You mean having some guy we barely recognize sucking on a pacifier and making odd sounds for 10 minutes at a time makes people who tuned in to see their normal fake fighting show change the channel? SHOCKING.

In this week’s Ask A Diva, Mickey James explains how to get rid of those three simultaneous yeast infections.

Let’s spoil Smackdown and move on.

Smackdown begins with CM Punk coming down to the ring for a promo. “Maria? I still love you. I know I messed up, I know I put work first, but I love you and wanna be with you. No! No, get off of me! I need to tell Maria how I feel! I’m drunk on love, the only way I get drunk! STRAIGHT EDGE! I LOVE YOU! STOP BLOWING PRIMO! I LOVE YOU!” Then he does his usual promo and Teddy Long interrupts to tell him he’ll be fighting John Morrison.

Finlay fights Dolph Ziggler but Mike Knox comes to ring and makes his presence felt, tickling Finlay to the point of peeing himself. Knox then cuts a promo, saying, “Tickle tickle! Teehehehe.”

Vince McMahon calls Teddy Long and tells him that the injured Jeff Hardy will have to compete in a handicap match against the Hart Dynasty. Wasn’t Vince McMahon a good guy just a short while ago? Shouldn’t they have done something where Jeff Hardy pissed him off first? Eh. Whatever.

Kane and Ranjin Singh share a romantic moment in the boiler room as Kane gives Ranjin a dickmeat sandwich. Actually it looks like they’re doing some dumb kidnap gimmick. They had to cross the border. How did the border patrol not notice the bound and gagged Indian American in Kane’s bag? Lazy Mounties.

Melina fights Layla in the blowoff to the 18 month epic feud.

CM Punk then starts to fight John Morrison. 5 minutes into the match Jimmy Carter comes out and has both wrestlers calm down. They reach an amicable agreement and agree to terms of truce. Shaking hands, they sign a historic peace accord which will end violence between the parties until 2016. What a remarkable day for mankind. The bloodshed is over.

OH MY GOD! We go back to the boiler room and HUGE SPOILER, Ranjin reveals that The Great Khali is his brother! That did it WWE! I am not personally invested in the Kane vs. Great Khali feud! Muttonchops guy is horrible wrestler’s brother! And they say it can’t all be Shakespeare!

Either Shad or JTG fights the Big Show, the spoilers weren’t too clear on which. You know what would make Cryme Tyme better? If they were called Pretty Cryme Tyme and did even more super racist stuff than they usually do.

The Great Khali makes the classic blunder of going into the boiler room himself to save his brother instead of calling the cops, and Kane executes his diabolical plan when he hits Khali with a pipe. For those of you wondering why Kane didn’t just sneak up behind the notoriously slow Khali and hit him with a pipe to begin with, SHUT UP! YOU THINK YOU CAN DO WHAT THE WWE CREATIVE TEAM DOES?

Jeff Hardy fights the Hart Dynasty and 80 people come out at the end including Matt Hardy. You’ll all be happy to know I’m done caring about Matt Hardy and writing all those dumb articles. No progress on the mike, that same stupid expression on his face, and he was really good friends with Ken Kennedy so I bet he’s one of the crazy conservatives who believes Jesus rode dinosaurs. I’m sure this means he’ll be the next Smackdown champion or something, but really, I think we’ve all had quite enough of him.

That’s that. Feel free to comment below. Or don’t. Just don’t e-mail me.

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