For Your Consideration…DX is All That (What? He was in like five movies and they all suck.)

For Your Consideration…DX is All That (What? He was in like five movies and they all suck.)

Yes, last week I did coverage of RAW, ECW and SmackDown! I’m a freaking machine! Actually I’m a guy with plenty of free time until I find out my Bar results, so that means more awesome running commentary for you, courtesy of “For Your Consideration” and Inside Pulse. On a side note, my SmackDown column was posted yesterday and got bounced by TNA coverage so I had to repost it this morning, and I’m actually pretty proud of it so I suggest checking it out.

Speaking of shameless whoring, you can follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316.

Alright, enough of my recycled pimping for something you’ve seen a hundred times, bring on the fresh! Bring on the exciting! Bring on the new! Bring on Degeneration X!

“My gawd what a night!”

Well, we all just wanna be loved, but rather than love, the WWE is giving us pyro!

We are six days from Summerfest, but tonight it’s a wacky tag team who don’t like each other, as Orton and Cena team against JeriShow. Plus, apparently Shawn Michaels and Triple H have something going on tonight.

But first, live…from St. Louis…it’s Freddie Prinze Jr! Freddie is wearing a coat and a t-shirt, and a smirk reserved only for guys who get to sleep with women way out of their league. Not going to lie, Freddie looks like he’s 50 with the gray hair and sunken eyes. Guess that’s what happens to working with Vince.

Freddie talks about his action figures and Coliseum Home Videos with Mean Gene and the old WWE ice cream bars. Not gonna lie, Freddie knows how to control the fans. This is what you want from a RAW GM. Freddie promises to start Summerfest tonight, where we will see the Divas and the US belts defended. Alrighty. Freddie then pimps DX’s return, only to be interrupted by…someone dressed like the killer from “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. Please don’t be Santino, please don’t be Santino, please don’t let it be Santino.

Nothing like a topical reference to a current film, guys. The hat comes off and, oh fuck me sideways, it’s Santino. Santino wants to star in the next “I Know…” movie. Don’t worry Santino, Freddie wants to star in one too. Santino then dresses like Rachel Leigh Cook and re-enacts “She’s All That” in the exact same way “Not Another Teen Movie” did. This isn’t completely terrible, but my fear is that for every good Santino skit we get, we get twenty unfunny Santino skits.

Santino hypes Freddie appearing on “24”, which if I’m not mistaken airs opposite RAW. Brilliant. Marella then channels Jack Bauer and holds Lillian Garcia hostage. Santino was pretty decent, but Lillian couldn’t keep a straight face. Seven days until she’s gone, folks!

Freddie ships Santino out of the ring, and quite frankly I’m floored that we’re not opening the show with DX. Guess that’ll be our ten P.M. main event. Freddie books one final match for tonight…but first, here comes Randy Orton and his freakisly tan calves. Seriously, he just looks like he filled a kiddie pool with baby oil and rolled around. It just doesn’t look healthy.

Randy Orton is in the ring and he looks pissed…for a change. Remember folks, this could be the last time we see Orton as champion, so expect Cole to bring this fact up ten or twenty times. The St. Louis crowd boos their own, so I guess we’re not in bizarro land.

Orton, using super-slow delivery, points out that he’s teaming up with his opponent and Randy just won’t compete. Hey Randy, instead of coming out and revealing your evil plan like Dr. Evil, why not just NOT show up later in the night? Seriously, where’s your brain?

Freddie reminds Orton that he’s in Randy’s home town, just in cast Randy forgot where he was from. Orton then buries his hometown crowd and “these people”, which in Missouri could be construed in a fairly negative way. Good thing Rev. Al isn’t hosting this week.

In a sign of pure originality, the crowd starts a “You Suck” chant as Orton demands to be taken out of the match. Freddie asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. Nope, you don’t. Wanna know why? They’re still employable in movies. Prinze sticks to his guns and forces Orton to compete, so Orton grabs Prinze and delivers his reverse neck/back breaker thing. Well, if “24” doesn’t work out, Prinze could certainly work as a decent jobber. For some reason, assaulting the over Prinze draws “RKO” chants from the crowd. Mah gawd Randy, attacking the celebrity general manager is career suicide. Killing Freddie Prinze is suicide! (Yeah, that’s what passes for edgy comedy, referencing 30-year old celebrity deaths).

Commercial.

Apparently CM Punk and Jeff Hardy are going to face each other in a TLC match. How’d I miss that in all the Kane/Khali build-up?

We’re back as we get a replay of Orton breaking Freddie Prinze Jr. Then, showing acting prowess unmatched by anyone else in “Summer Catch”, Freddie sells the injury up the ramp.

Jerry Lawler and a tie-wearing Michael Cole apologize on behalf of the WWE for Randy Orton’s reprehensible actions. Yeah, because that makes it all better…MORE Michael Cole.

Well, we forget about Prinze as we get the United States Title Match that he promised us. Kingston jumps down to the ring as we see Superstars from last week where Carl Ito pinned Kofi in a mixed tag match. Yeah, we know what that means…

He spits in the face of people who don’t want to be cool, even though I can’t really remember the last time he had an apple. On the plus side, Carlito has Rosa Mendes, so I guess her weird lesbian thing with Beth Phoenix is over. Cole correctly points out that Carl has gone through a change, which is all the more reason for the WWE to change his music to something less…happy. If they change that and make Rosa a permanent fixture by his side, I don’t see any reason why Carl can’t get over as a midcard threat once again.

Carl and Kofi hop around the ring for a bit until Kingston gets shuttled to the outside and we get shuttled to…

Commercial.

I know Obama’s healthcare policy really doesn’t have death panels, but if he did I would imagine they would be populated with people who eat at Golden Corral.

We’re back and apparently all of Carl’s flashy moves this match occurred during the break, as we get replays of the good stuff while in the ring we’ve got a resthold. I like that Carl seems motivated, as a veteran with some flashy moves could really elevate what is already a fairly strong WWE midcard. I hope Summerfest adds some combination of Swagger/MVP/Bourne/Kofi/Miz/Carlito. My preference would be Swagger/MVP, but these two are actually having a spirited match in the ring. I can’t remember the last time I found a Kingston or a Carl match that was this engaging.

Kofi hits the boom-boom-boom for two, but Carl takes over again, and just as I finish putting them over, Kingston blows a spot. I can really only blame myself for saying that Kofi isn’t sloppy and might no longer suck. Kingston off the top rope with a cross-body, Carl rolls through but that gets two.

Kingston does the head-bounce off the ropes but gets caught in a neckbreaker as Lawler asks how Kofi keeps kicking out. Apparently Lawler never grasped the concept of finishing moves. Speaking of which, Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise for the “scintillating” victory. Gawdamnit Cole. Kofi goes all Ultimate Warrior and shakes the ropes as Cole tries to deliver the “Are you ready” line with some conviction.

We get a shot of the parking lot waiting for DX to arrive, as we go to…

Commercial.

Sorority Row comes out this September 11th. Yes, there are obvious jokes about America suffering enough, but I’ve already made a joke about Freddie Prinze killing himself so I think I’ll pass on this one.

Did you know more teens watched RAW than the Teen Choice Awards. Take that, Miley Cyrus.

And in the single worst transition in the history of modern time, Cole talked about Lewis & Clark and compared them to DX. This leads to DX’s greatest hits.

We get a DX recap of stuff that was entertaining when I was in high school. Wow, they used to be funy. Sadly we also get a lot of the “new” DX stuff with Vince. Wow, I also think I saw X-Pac and Chyna. This segment has accomplished one thing, remind me of how much I miss Shawn Michaels when he was a dick. Sorry Bret Hart fans, I was on HBK’s side during the whole Montreal Screwjob.

Thankfully they show the time DX gave Michael Cole a wedgie.

Our WWE.com survey question is can Orton and Cena win. Who has that much time on their hands that they would vote for that? Seriously.

Here comes The Miz, who has abandoned his great wrestling attire for boring looking trunks. Seriously, the most interesting part of Miz was his inventive get-up. Now he looks like a GWF reject. On the plus side, at least Eugene didn’t win. Adios Dinsmore.

Miz has the microphone to recap how he’s back. Apparently The Miz has a new attitude, a new look and the same mouth (something Pat Patterson is thankful for). His goal now is no longer to beat Cena but to take the US Title. I said last month that The Miz deserved that belt, so good for him. Sadly his opponent is Evan Bourne, which means Bourne is destined to be a jobber for the foreseeable future.

Commercial.

This Friday, watch Brad Pitt kill Nazis. I know I will.

We’re back and Boost Mobile is our sponsor. Who the hell uses Boost?

Here comes St. Louis’s own Evan Bourne, and the crowd gives him a hell of a reaction. Too bad Evan is about to learn the WWE’s policy on burying the hometown guy. Except when I used to go see The Rock. He would be jammed down our throats at every live event.

Miz/Bourne has the potential to be entertaining. RAW’s midcard is filled with entertaining guys who can go, but has a main event that has the exact same people in the exact same matches. I remember years ago when they set up the brand split and Vince wanted to recreate the old WWE/WCW rivalry. Well, he succeeded, because Smackdown is definitely WWE and RAW is certainly now WCW.

Miz has Bourne in a sick looking stretch, and Bourne is selling that move like he’s dying. Can’t really fault the WWE for putting Miz and Bourne in front of Bourne’s hometown, because nothing will get over the heelish Miz like him picking on the hometown hero.

Cole said that Bourne will fly anywhere in the arena and his hypnotizing. Will whoever is talking in his ear put down the bourbon. Bourne hits a high knee and is going to the top rope, but Miz knocks him off his perch. Bourne is now on his shoulders but it gets reversed into The Stroke for 3. Sure, Evan got offense, but on ECW Bourne was a main-event-level guy, but on RAW he’s an enhancement talent. Oh, and apparently the move is called The Skull Crushing Finale. Tell you what, call it the SCF and it’ll probably have a better shot at getting over.

I like Miz’s new gimmick of having the fastest turn-around in WWE history, and I can’t wait until he wins the US Title and gets more mic time. His heel shtick should get over nicely.

Lawler hypes DX’s return, but it said “Next” with a question mark! What intrigue! If this was really Nitro, they would hype the DX return, save it for 11:03 and then go off the air as the limo pulled up. Oh, and also have Jericho job to Hugh Morris.

Commercial.

Quick question ladies, if a guy showed up for a first date and told you he was taking you to “Dave and Busters”, would you laugh and slam the door or mace him?

Aerosmith’s song “You Gotta Move” is the theme song, but apparently you DON’T gotta move when you “understand” tonight’s main event. Was that really the word you wanted to go with, Cole?

Wait, this just in, DX is arriving in mere minutes! They don’t have to show up when everyone else does. If JBL were still there, they’d be going to Wrestling Court. Instead, they don’t have to suffer, we do, because we get to AGAIN watch…

The DX Reunion Package, compete with Shawn’s assault on a helpless little girl. Yes, Orton attacking a D-List Hollywood actor is heinous, but HBK attacking a child is comedy gold.

I see the Copyright Logo and I see…a limo? A DX Logo on the limo shows us they’re edgy. Triple H pulls Cowboy Shawn out of the limo and apparently we’re back in business.

Jillian Hall shows up to sing the DX theme to ensure that Jim Johnson gets more royalties. Triple H responds by dumping a trashcan over her head. Hunter then says that nothing changes, and I can’t argue with that. Santino pops out and continues his Jack Bauer shtick so Shawn superkicks him. “The hat didn’t come off…the hat and the hair are connected.” Sure, I rip on them for being repetitive, but they are still entertaining.

DX is out and the roof comes off the freaking building. Seriously, they are ALWAYS over when they return. Any guy in the back would give their right arm for a reaction like that. The sad part is that this is the TV-PG DX, which means tamer stuff. Tame and DX don’t mix, so either Hunter will push the boundaries or replace sex jokes with poop jokes. I’m not going to lie, I feel old seeing these guys in the ring. Also, the crotch chop pyro just isn’t the same without X-Pac. And no, this is not me condoning the return of X-Pac. Ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Never again.

Shawn and Hunter run around the ring for a little while to kill more time. My guess is we won’t get smarky comments, but rather some of the greatest hits before Legacy shows up to talk about how they’re gonna end DX…once…and…for…all.

“I think Triple H is about to ask a question.” Deductive reasoning like that is why Jerry Lawler should be mayor.

The audience is still losing their shit as Shawn and Hunter ease into their routine. Hunter asks if they’re ready, but Legacy shows up earlier than expected and jump DX. Well that was a bit unexpected. I thought for sure Vince would milk about ten minutes out of this before the beatdown. On the plus side, it prevents the WWE from confronting the TV-PG DX quandary.

Legacy has Shawn’s boot and lays out Hunter. Yeah, last week they beat a midget and this week they jumped two forty-something men. They are SO dominant. Maybe after they job to DX on Sunday and break up, they can get a token win over Golddust and Jamie Noble. Before finally leaving, Teddy said that they are ready. With a dry, cool wit like that, they could be action stars. Well, I expected Hunter to Pedigree both of them, pin then for a 10-count and then pee on them, so I guess I would call this segment a win.

Commercial.

We get a commercial for NBC’s airing of the Wrestlemania special. Oddly enough, rather than showing CM Punk, we see Steve Austin. Smart move, folks.

We are back on what has been “an absolutely disturbing night”. No hyperbole there, Cole. So at the nine o’clock hour, we had Freddie Prinze Jr. laid out. At the ten o’clock hour, we had DX laid out. My guess for the eleven o’clock hour? Orton lays out Cena. I know, going out on a limb here. I mean RAW is nothing if not unpredictable.

It’s Divas Championship time as Jaunty Capped James skips down to the ring to a smattering of applause. Lawler, who is clearly phoning it in, plugs Boost by accident instead of 7-11. Mickie’s opponent is Gail Kim, who comes out to SILENCE.

When Gail won that amorphous future title shot, I guess that means tonight. Why the hell didn’t they just say last week that the title shot was for this week’s show?

The gals do some standard mat work and end with a double dropkick. They then shake hands and do some punchy-kicky stuff out of the Chris Masters Matherpiece Handbook. Cole, fifty seconds in the match, calls Gail elastic. The gals roll around doing a series of two counts, which seems to tickle Lawler.

In an effort to explain the dead crowd, Lawler says that they are still buzzing about the DX attack. Sure, I’ll buy that. This is like when the WWE followed Rock/Hogan with Trish Stratus at Wrestlemania 18. Except, you know, a lot less good.

Gail leaps off the second rope but Mickie moves out of the way. James goes for the jumping DDT, blows the spot entirely, has a complete meltdown midring, goes for a kick that misses wildly and ends the match on a punch. That seemed awkward as hell.

Speaking of awkward, we try to transition back to what happened earlier tonight when Orton destroyed the star of “Wing Commander”. I half expected Matthew Lillard to show up and take his spot. I did like how Freddie delivered the “Sorry” line like Kristen Wiig as Gilly on SNL.

Josh Matthews is in the back with John Cena, who apparently is a special guest. Cena puts over Orton as the most successful guy in the WWE, but Randy apparently has problems with everyone. Cena points out that he has a pimple and then makes a poop joke. John then points out the over-abundance of baby oil on Orton again and points out that he never learned how to read. Wayne’s World for the win.

Jericho then shows up and points out that Cena’s got a big problem with Chris Jericho, which means he has a giant problem. Oh, he meant a Giant problem. That’s right, the Rise and Fall of WCW goes on sale next week, gotta cross-promote. Maybe our guest GM next week should be Bischoff. Or maybe Jimmy Hart. Wonder what Meng is up to. Hell, I’d settle for Above Average Mike Sanders. After the lawsuit fell through, I can’t imagine he has much else to do.

Commercial.

The WWE Slam of the Week is Masters/MVP. Well, that means we’ll get to see MVP/Swagger tonight instead of an insufferable Mark Henry match. Personally, I would have liked to see Swagger/MVP at Summerfest.

For some reason they are in the ring already and the match starts. That was…odd. Maybe this match will end quickly on a DQ or something and they will re-sign it for Summerfest.

Cole calls this a culture clash. Hey Cole, wanna explain that in the least racist way possible? Sure enough, Swagger jumps him in the corner and pounds until the ref calls foe the bell. I love being right. This match deserves to be settled at Summerfest.

Freddie Prinze Jr. is disregarding the orders of some guy holding his arm as he is going out there…tonight! Seriously, he looks like he’s a hundred. Apparently Sarah Michelle Geller’s vagina sucks the life out of you. I’m sure it was worth it, though. Basically her pussy is the living embodiment of the Portrait of Dorian Gray.

Commercial.

Dial for Men has pheromones. Apparently the one thing preventing guys from getting laid was their body wash. Wow, the WWE knows their audience. And just as I type that, we get a Hover-round commercial. Apparently using Dial for Men means women will fuck you so hard that you won’t be able to walk. Like Freddie Prinze Jr. That’s right, I brought it full circle. Take that PWI!

We’re back and apparently in “People” they talked about Jeremy Piven. I bet that they won’t cover Freddie the same.

Chavo is in the ring and he gets the Legacy treatment of no entrance as he is in a falls count anywhere match. Ugh…against Hornswoggle. Seriously, this was an entertaining RAW until now.

Hornswoggle climbs under the ring, Chavo follows and now we have a shot of an empty ring. Chavo finally pops out with a toilet seat. Hilarious! He’s holding a toilet seat! I wanna give the WWE money!

Speaking of toilets, Chavo asks Primo where Hornswoggle is. This now leads to Chavo in the back hunting down a midget…and his dignity. The crowd starts a “Let’s Go Blue” chant out of boredom as Hornswoggle rips off “Home Alone” by rigging a paint can and gets the pin. Wow, topical references abound tonight. Either that our a delayed John Hughes tribute.

After Chavo wakes up, we get the big reveal that the paint cans were rigged by Macaulay Culkin. You know what, I take it back. Every week of awful Chavo matches was worth that reveal.

Lawler and Cole are in the ring pimping Summerfest, and I will hope to continue my streak of winning Roundtables this Sunday with the Summerfest Rasslin Roundtable.

In the back, JeriShow is walking towards…

Commercial.

We’re back and next weeks’ GM is…Floyd “Money” Mayweather. Well, Mayweather was entertaining last year, so it should be nice to see him back. Apparently 76% of the WWE thinks that Orton and Cena can co-exist. Lawler was pretty shocked, as the point of the survey was for the WWE to show that no one thought they can work together.

Speaking of things that can work together, JeriShow is out as the WWE Unified Tag Champs. Will it be for the last time? I gotta think that having Show and Jericho on all brands is worth a whole lot more than Cryme Time.

Well, Randy Orton is out first. How did that make sense? Why wouldn’t they have Cena out first and tease whether or not Orton would appear? It’s a little thing like that which makes me want to smack myself in the head.

Cena is out next without incident. The match is about to start, but…it’s Freddie Prinze Jr! Apparently this match is now a lumberjack match. Prinze shows some of that “24” intensity and brings out the faces. Oh man…smell the intrigue. No, that’s just Mark Henry.

Commercial.

We’re back, and it’s Cena and Show and a REST HOLD! Feel the excitement.

We get a replay of the lumberjacks attacking the heels but not attacking Cena. I wonder if they’ll hammer that into our skulls ten or twenty times.

Cena goes for a tag and Orton pulls back his hand so Big Show just wallops him. Cena ducks a Big Show charge and slaps Orton to tag him in. Show launches Orton out of the ring, so that the lumberjacks, who are good guys, can attack Orton, who is a bad guy. Subtle.

Show drops the leg using Melina’s finishing move WITHOUT having to scream. Jericho is in now hammering away on Orton. For whatever reason, the WWE just opted to not make Orton/Cena a storyline main event and just made it about a challenger fighting a champion for a title. Old school yet refreshing. I would buy a show with Orton/Cena because it’s a “who’s the best” rather than a storyline where Orton rapes Cena’s grandmother.

Randy goes for the hot tag but Jericho drags him away and Big Show drops a Hogan leg drop. At least Cole has yet to use Schiavone logic and explain that Hulk could shift all the weight in his body to that leg…in mid-air mind you. I miss/loathe Tony Schiavone.

Big Show hits a suplex and then steps on Orton. Cole calls this a re-birth of Big Show, which makes zero sense, as I pointed out last week. Chris is in now but eats a scoop slam.

Jericho goes for the Lionsault but misses and we get the slow crawling hot tag. Orton tags Cena in and John is now cleaning house. You Can’t See Me attempt blocked by Big Show, Jericho hits the FU and it’s over. Wait, Orton RKO’d Cena. Who called that RAW would end with someone laid out? Oh yeah, this guy.

So let me get this straight, you job out your unified tag champions only to have them destroy your entire midcard, only for Cena to recover and eliminate your unified tag champions?

RAW: 1. Logic: 0.

This has been for your consideration.