Welcome Pulse Readers to tonight’s real-time coverage of WWE RAW! I’ll be providing real-time coverage for the next two hours and will be lurking on my Official Twitter page, which is found on the bottom of the live report.
ARE YOU READY?
*zzzzz*
I SAID ARE YOU READY?
If you’re ready for DX Reunion 2K9, then tonight is the night.
We’re LIVE from my neck of the woods, St. Louis, Missouri. I would be there tonight, but I forgot my tickets. Tonight, Cena and Orton team up against Big Show & Chris Jericho. Also DX is back (again)!
We welcome Freddie Prinze, Jr. He hits the point home that he is a lifelong WWE fan. That’s why his stint as creative didn’t last long. He is in charge and we’re starting Summerslam tonight. The Divas Title and the US Title is on the line tonight. Prinze is interrupted by Darth Vader. Not really, he’s interrupted by a man in all black. He appearantly knows what Prinze did last summer. It’s Santino Marella and the comedy value has increased tenfold. Out goes the black and in comes a wig as Santino dresses like a nerd. Then he goes nWo-Hollywood Hogan on all of us. Prinze says Santino needs a little help. He then wants to be Prinze’s partner in 24 and he expertly does the line where he threatens Lillian. I don’t watch 24, so the line is lost on me. Prinze sends Santino away to rehearse.
He makes one more match, the main event, but Randy Orton has had enough and he emerges on the stage. He casually walks to the ring and he is face to face with Prinze. He too states the obvious that he is teaming with Cena tonight. He doesn’t like it and he won’t do it. He doesn’t feel like competing at all tonight. Prinze tells Orton that he is in his hometown and he asks why he doesn’t want to work. Orton doesn’t seem to care about pleasing the hometown crowd. It’s about himself. Orton gets super serial and he demands to be taken out of the match. Prinze isn’t any of the other guest hosts and he won’t be bullied by him. “Sorry.” Orton is pissed off and he takes Prinze out with the 3.0 Backbreaker. Prinze sold that like a champion.
Commercials.
We’re back and the WWE Universe is still stunned sayeth Michael Cole. Prinze leaves during the commercial and Lawler apologizes on behalf of the WWE. Prinze has been taken to a nearby medical facility and the inmates are running the asylum tonight.
United States Championship Match: Kofi Kingston © v. Carlito w/Rosa Mendez
The bell sounds and they lock up. Kofi has Carlito in the corner before we get a clean break. Carlito with a takedown for one. Kofi comes back with a one count of his own. They shove away and we flip flop around until Carlito takes Kofi out of the ring. Break time.
Commercials.
We’re back and Carlito is in total control. He has on a chinlock, but Kofi gets to his feet. Kofi dodges a kick, but eats on on the go-around. Two count only for Carlito. To the corner we go and Carlito stomps a mudhole into Kofi. Kofi eats an elbow for two as Rosa looks on. No mention of this pairing… Carlito attempts a suplex, but Kofi hits a Jamician Leg Sweep. Kofi with a polish hammer and he antes up the momentum. Two count follows for Kofi. High angle clothesline connects and he drops the legs on Carlito for two. Stinger splash misses. but Kofi hits a springboard crossbody for two to make up for it. Uppercut by Kofi and Carlito barely kicks out. Pillar to post we go and Kofi kicks Carlito into next week. Crossbody…but Carlito rolls over for two! Trouble in Paradise is blocked, Carlito hits the Roll of the Dice…TWO COUNT ONLY! Carlito sets up for the Backstabber…TROUBLE IN PARADISE Uno, Dos, Adios!
Winner: Kofi Kingston ©
Grade: B
DX…TONIGHT!
Commercials.
Did You Know: Teenagers would rather watch RAW than the Teen Choice Awards.
Oh God…we’re treated to a clip of DX’s Greatest Hits.
The Miz is BACK on RAW. OK…he really wasn’t gone. He hits the point home saying he brought a new look with him. He will be our new U.S. Champion, because he is awesome.
Commercials.
We’re back and it’s an air raid!
Evan Bourne v. The Miz
The bell rings and Miz starts out strong. He takes Bourne in the corner and the referee pulls him apart. Bourne floats over a suplex attempt and he takes Miz off his feet. Turnbuckle kick to the chest connects and Miz get pinned for two. Off the ropes and Miz explodes with a lariat for two. Miz goes to work, getting another two count. Surfboard locked in onto Bourne and Miz decides to drive the knee into the spine. Bourne gets out of it, but gets posted in the corner. The referee gets too involved for my liking. Let them fight, damnit. Miz hits a corner kick and he goes to the top…ROUNDHOUSE KICK BY BOURNE! Miz rolls out of the ring and Bourne hits a plancha on the outside. Back in the ring and Miz is in trouble. Standing moonsault connects and that gets two. Small package gets two for the Miz. Knee lift to the jaw by Bourne and he goes Air Bourne…NO! Miz sees it coming. Bourne kicks Miz in the face and he jumps onto Miz. The Miz hits a front faceplant, aka the Stroke, aka the Breakdown, aka the reverse russian leg sweep, or what Miz calls the Skull Crushing Finale. That gets the win.
Winner: The Miz
Grade: C+
DX…NEXT!
Commercials.
We’re back. We recap the DX/Legacy feud and the hijinx from last week. After the video, the DX limo arrives, but Shawn is still hesitant. They’re interupted by Jillian Hall who gets trash dumped on. They are then stopped by Officer Santino, who eats a superkick. I’m waiting for Legacy to attack from behind, but that isn’t in the script.
ARE YOU READY?
That is the question. Wow, Legacy disrupts the DX reunion and they take out Trips on the outside. This allows them to double team Shawn. Trips is back in and the pack of dogs continue on him. Rhodes has a boot and he hits Trips with it. He follows with a boot for Shawn. Ted grabs a microphone and he says that it was the answer to Trips’ question. They are ready. That was quite unexpected. This did a damned good job to put over Legacy as a threat. This doesn’t mean they are going to win Sunday, but it’s a touch.
Commercials.
NBC Presents Wrestlemania 25 Saturday August 29th at 9pm EST.
We recap the DX reunion turned into a beatdown.
WWE Diva’s Championship Match: Mickie James © v. Gail Kim
This should be an excellent match. They lock up and Gail reverses a wrist lock. Armdrag by Mickie, followed by one by Gail. Both go for a dropkick and miss. Rollup by Gail for one and Mickie goes for a suplex. The divas trade rollups for no count. Double clothesline knocks both of them out. Both get back up and they trade rights. Gail. hits a crossbody for one. We’re still evenly matched. Mickiecurana connects, but Gail responds with a headscissors. Gail hits a missile dropkick for two. Pretty much back and forth so far. Mickie comes back with a right and attempts a DDT, but Gail counters with a jawbreaker, but that is countered to a half Boston crab. Rollup by Gail gets two. Gail goes up and she misses. MickieDT attempt is BLOCKED! Mickie catches Gail with a kick (that misses the chin) and a punch to the face…for the win?
Winner: Mickie James ©
Grade: F (Wow…someone was off tonight.)
We recap Randy Orton taking Freddie Prinze, Jr. out. Prinze is back at the arena, so the injuries aren’t bad.
Josh Matthews is with John Cena and he beats around the bush. Cena says that Orton is “our” WWE Champion. Cena kisses ass a bit, then he says that Orton has problems. Cena says that we all have problems. Poop jokes commence courtesy of Cena. Cena could whine or complain and he mocks whining a bit. Cena will deal with the problems and he will give Orton every chance to fight together and come Sunday, he’ll deal with Orton. Enter Jericho and he says that Cena has a big problem with Jericho for dropping him on his head last week. Big Show says that Cena might not even make it to Summerslam.
Commercials.
We’re back and we’re JIP…
MVP v. Jack Swagger
Swagger takes it to MVP, but MVP decks Swagger, who takes a powder. MVP won’t allow it and he bashes his head off the table. Back inside, Swagger takes it to MVP in the corner. Swagger continues the assault…DQ?!
Winner: MVP via DQ
Grade: FTS
What the **** is this? You hype a match last week and you do a match that ends in less than a minute for a DQ? BS, I tell you.
Prinze heads towards the ring.
Commercials.
Falls Count Anywhere: Chavo Guerrero v. Hornswoggle
The bell sounds and Hornswoggle goes under the ring. Chavo follows and…he comes out from the otherside. Hornswoggle laughs and he leaves the arena. Chavo is on the search and he comes up emptyhanded. He comes to two doors and he opens one…gets hit with a paint can. Hornswoggle comes out the other door…F..T..S…
Winner: Hornswoggle
FTS
So Chavo got owned by the star of Home Alone.
We hype the card to Summerslam.
The main event…IS NEXT!
Commercials.
Floyd “Money” Mayweather is your guest host next week!
Strange Bedfellows Tag Team Match: Big Show & Chris Jericho v. John Cena & Randy Orton
But first, Freddie Prinze, Jr. is out to make the tag team match a lumberjack match. Prinze sends out the people who hate Randy Orton. The main event is NEXT!
Commercials.
We’re JIP as Big Show has Cena in a bearhug. Cena attempts to get out of it and is successful. Shoulderblock doesn’t faze Big Show…and he towers over him. Orton plays mindgames with Cena and big Show hits a chop in the corner. Slap Chop that is not. Show gets posted in the corner and Cena tags Orton in and BRINGS HIM IN WITH AUTHORITY! Big Show hits a spear on Orton and he rolls to the outside. Mark Henry tosses him back inside where Big Show is waiting. Show hits the Final Cut for a two count. In comes Jericho and he beats into Orton. Jericho tees off on him and he puts on a headlock. Orton comes back with a back suplex and both men are down. Cena wants a tag, but Jericho cuts Orton out from the past. Big Show drops his leg on Orton for two and he locks on a rest hold. Gut punch by Show and he hits a suplex on Orton. Tag back to Jericho and he keeps on the pressure. Off the ropes…POWERSLAM BY ORTON! Jericho blocks the tag attempt and he has a headlock applied. Orton comes back, but Jericho plants him. Lionsault misses and Orton gets his chance. Tag to Cena and he hits Jericho with a shoulderblock. Protobomb connects as does the Five Knuckle–NO! Cena takes Show out and he hits the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho for the win. Orton quickly hits Cena with the RKO! Cena gets caught by the tag champions, but the lumberjacks buy him time and the threat is vanquished.
Winners: John Cena & Randy Orton
Grade: B-
Show Over.
The RAW Report Card
Cena & Orton d. Big Show & Jericho: B-
Hornswoggle d. Chavo Guerrero: FTS
MVP d. Jack Swagger via DQ: FTS
Mickie James d. Gail Kim: F
The Miz d. Evan Bourne: C+
Kofi Kingston d. Carlito: B
Extra Credit: Freddie Prinze Jr. taking the 3.0 Backbreaker like a champ; Freddie Prinze Jr. a great guest host
The Grade for the entire show: D+
The Grade without the F or the FTS matches: B-
The AVERAGE GRADE for WWE RAW 08.17.09: C
This would have been a good RAW without half the matches that took place. You had three matches that went about five minutes combined and three matches that went around 22 minutes combined. I’ll be nice and go thumbs in the middle with viewer discretion advised for matches 3-5. I’ll be back Friday with a huge edition of Total Nonstop Weekly and I will either return to 10 Thoughts on WWE Superstars or pass it off to someone more reliable. Either way, have a fun-filled week!
