Junk News, Huzzah!

It is Tuesday morning as I begin to write this report. At the present time, TNA World Champion Kurt Angle has worked two events since being arrested for stalking his girlfriend, driving with a suspended license and possession of HGH. He has wrestled two matches for the company and retained his title through both of them. Dixie Carter, the head of the company, has yet to make a statement. There was no mention of the arrest on the PPV and it looks like they don’t address it at the television tapings. To be fair, we don’t know Kurt Angle’s side of the story yet or Dixie Carter’s. My guess is that they’re lovers who shoot up HGH together.

I get driving around with weed in your car as you stalk your ex-girlfriend. I even understand cocaine. You might want to get high as you follow your coffee inclined ex-lover. But HGH? Was he going to stop for a rep? Does Kurt Angle just drive around with Human Growth Hormone in his car all the time? Is it the pro wrestling dashboard Jesus?

Jim Ross advised Kurt Angle to take some time off of wrestling to get his life in order. Kurt Angle responded, “Why should I stop wrestling to help Jim Ross get his life in order? What? He meant MY life? I’m doing great! I don’t use that HGH to help me perform. Those vials are sentimental. They’re the last gift Chris Benoit ever gave me.”

Sometimes I feel really ashamed to be a wrestling fan. Then again, I think I felt more ashamed when I saw Matt Morgan main eventing a PPV. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if he won. If you’re going to put the title on an obvious HGH user, it might as well be the Olympic champion HGH user instead of the American Gladiator. And you can’t put the title back on Sting. He’s ancient. At the end of the day, keeping the title on HGH McStalksalot was the responsible thing to do.

Twitter alert! “Yup – just ate an extra large pizza from Gumby’s all by myself. How do I do it? Practice.” Wow Tyler Reks! A whole pizza? Did you eat it while wrestling on a surfboard?! You know what’s great for washing down a whole extra large pizza from Gumby’s? My urine. So why don’t you twitter your crappy wrestling over to my home town for a second time and prepare to drink my urine. It’s freshly squeezed you waste of life.

Tyler Reks and Kurt Angle represent everything wrong with the wrestling industry. They are drug abusing, women hating, insane, white dreadlocked menaces. They should be kicked out of the wrestling industry before they embarrass it any further.

To be fair, 100% fair, Tyler Reks would make a great person to hunt on an island. He looks like he would be fast, stealthy, but ultimately unable to slip from your sights.

Freddie Prince Jr. was the guest host of Raw and was legitimately out acted by Santino, who was terrible.

DX reunited on Monday night to do a thankfully short skit and then get the crap kicked out of them by Legacy. Shockingly, DX has said they’ll job to Legacy at Summerslam to put the young stars over and then HA! Heh. That’s reasonably funny.

Tazz is taking over color announcing duties from Don West who had shockingly become the most enjoyable part of the show after years of being intolerable. So if you suck, you stay on tv… I get Matt Morgan! I get it now!

By the way, Randy Orton is HORRIBLE. Just awful. He sounded so fake cutting his promo on Freddie Prinze Jr. Really. He’s not Tyler Reks bad, but he’s not good.

Let’s try to spoil the next two weeks of TNA. What, we’re too late? It’s already terrible? Damn it! Well, let’s tell people what happens.

We open on the Main Event Mafia in the ring as Kurt Angle cuts a promo. “Hi fans! What’s up? Boy, how about this health care mess, huh? It’s causing me so much stress I think that it’s going to give me an ulcer! Get it? Health Care debate is going to make me sick? Yeech, tough crowd. Anybody want anything from Starbucks?”

Kurt Angle then apologized… to Matt Morgan for pinning him. He offered Matt Morgan another chance to get into the Main Event Mafia if they beat Team 3D in a tables match. Morgan agreed, and Team HGH was born.

Beer Money fights British Invasion in an Orlando street fight! Neither team is able to defeat the street.

The Beautiful People kick the piss out of former member Madison Rayne and almost put THE DREADED BAG over her head. The WWE castoffs run down to save her for some reason. As my best friend said about this situation, “Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

Samoa Joe buries Homicide in a You Didn’t Really Think This Was a Push match.

4 way chick match, and each girl brings another girl to stand in her corner. Could this lead to a tag team tournament? Why aren’t you answering me? ANSWER ME! COULD THIS LEAD TO A FEMALE TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT?! TALK TO ME! WHY DON”T YOU TALK TO ME ANYMORE?!

The Pope fights Creed and Suicide comes out to fight The Pope. Does this set up a Suicide-Pope feud? That sounds really existential.

AJ Style comes out to cut a promo about how he’s retiring from wrestling. Sting comes out and tells AJ that only losers quit and AJ is not a loser. AJ was the person Sting picked to pass the torch to. That’s why he joined the Main Event Mafia and feuded with AJ, so that he could… um… instill respect into AJ… I think. Anyway, Sting and AJ go 100% gay. Like, super gay. It’s gonna be known as the anal impact zone from now on.

The worst high profile professional wrestler ever, Bobby Lashley, gets into it with HGH McStalksalot. Does Bobby Lashley need to take drug tests for cage fighting, cause he’s obviously roiding, right? They’re all roiding in TNA. They’re all having sex with Rakka Khan and they’re all using steroids.

Morgan and Angle fight the fatties in a table match. You know who the winners are? Drug dealers.

Yeah, so, that’s this Thursday. Get excited for it.

Oh, the next Thursday’s spoilers are up. Why not?

They announce a Knockouts’ Tag Team Tournament will start. Oh. Well, that answers that question which gnawed at me all night.

An X-Division match between Joe and Suicide is interrupted by the Pope and Daniels. It is turned into a tag team match for later tonight by Commissioner… I dunno, Foley? Cornette?

The World Elite comes out. Bashir cuts a promo on the Iraq War and George W. Bush. I can’t wait for the blow off to this feud when Bush returns to kick his ass! Also, Eric Young asks Hernandez to join World Elite. Hernandez politely declines, they shake hands and leave as gentlemen.

Kong and Saeed fight Traci Brooks and Sharmell in the Knockouts Tag Team Tournament opening match. Can Sharmell recover from being pinned by Jenna Morasca’s smelly vagina? Tune in and find out.

The years of tension come to a head as Rhino fights US soldier Jesse Neal. I can’t believe they’re giving this away on free tv. Also, did not realize Rhino was still with the company. I only watch the PPVs.

Oh good. The best act in the company, The Motor City Machine Guns, get jobbed out to Abyss.

Hamada fight Daphne in a no DQ bout. Knowing TNA, it probably ends in DQ.

Sting, AJ Styles and Hernandez fight Booker T, Matt Morgan and Scott Steiner. And thus ends Kurt Angle’s suspension. Well, Dixie certainly gave him something to think about.

Shall we spoil Smackdown now?

It begins with Cryme Tyme and Mysteryo fyghtyng The Byg Show, Chrys Jerycho and Dolph Zyggler yn a syx man match. Letter replacement ys fun!

Matt Hardy, looking like X-Pac, does a sit down interview where he apologizes to his brother. “GOD! Fine. Jeff, I’m SOOOOO sorry I ran you off the road and burnt down your house and hit you with a pipe and killed your dog! SOOOOOOOO sorry.”

Kane cuts a promo on The Great Khali. “Khali is weak because he has compassion. I am strong because my soul is as black as… as my… I can’t do this. I need a rewrite! Where’s Freddie Prinze Jr?”

Finlay fights Mike Knox in a match.

A TLC promo between CM Punk and Jeff Hardy ends in fits of giggles as Jeff Hardy covers CM Punk in butterfly kisses.

The wrestlers with lady parts fight, probably mashing their breasts and vaginas together alot.

The Hardyz team with JoMo to fight The Hart Dynasty and CM Punk. I’m so done with the Hardyz. It’s been like 2 decades! Learn to cut a promo girls!

Well, that’s done.