Shut-ins worldwide can rest easy knowing they need not wait for Mondays to see talentless women with glistening racks attempt (and obviously fail) to wrestle. Yes, people Kristy Hemme is not only still alive (contrary to my suspicions) but lively enough to botch with reckless abandon, on my TV screen, while the Motor City Machine Guns wander the Impact Zone, unwanted, like a black child at an orphanage. Oh, and botch Hemme does. Only in TNA do you book a rusty worker, with no discernible talent when healthy, against another Knockout more deserving of mild applause at a rural strip club than a spot on a wrestling show.
Christy Hemme vs Sojo Bolt
The girls fight over a headlock, using each other’s hair. A Hemme kick to the back gets two. Sojo slams Hemme by her hair. Sojo catches Hemme trying for a crossbody and hits a backbreaker. Two count. Sojo hits a slighshot elbow and things start to go horribly wrong. Hemme backdrop Bolt on her head. They try for a move that is botched and then abandoned. Heemme ends up top but gets pushed down. Firecrotch Guillotine (?) gets the three.
Winner: Christy Hemme (DUD – There are no real winners here.)
Lauren asks Taz if Joe can bounce back after losing the Hernandez. Taz says Joe failed by not taking advantage of Hernandez whe he had the chance. Taz guarantees that Joe will take Homicide out at Hard Justice.
Coming up: a British Invasion match brought to you by Somnolence. In all fairness I have nothing against the British Invasion. In fact, their presence is so underwhelming I am more inclined to take a nap than froth with rage as I have done throughout this show. The absence of fury is welcome change indeed. Yet, I fear my valiant attempts to turn back the advancing hoardes of boredom so as I can cover this match instead of searching for porn, will be a battle I ultimately lose. But I shouldn’t complain, this is the second match in the first 15 minutes.
Doug Williams vs. Hernandez
Hernandez attacks. Hernandez reverses a suplex, holding Williams upside down for about twenty seconds. An over the shoulder backbreaker gets two. Williams capitalizes on Hernandez distraction and hits a leg lariat. Williams chokes him against the ropes. Kneedrop gets two. Williams goes to a reverse chinlock. Hernandez’s comeback is cut short with poke in the eye. Williams misses a senton from the top rope. Hernandez back body drops Williams. A chokeslam variation gets two. Williams is caught coming off the ropes and gets planted with a powerbomb for the three. Magnus jumps him from behind but gets quickly disposed of. Rob Terry finally puts Hernandez down with a shot from the briefcase.
Hernandez is backstage and angry.
Bobby Lashley sits down with Mike Tenay. They mostly talk about MMA, the Main Event Mafia and Kurt Angle. I’ll admit to not listening to a word of this.
Doctor Stevie still has that $50,000 available to anyone who will maim Abyss. Abyss comes in like Jason and starts choking Stevie, wanting him to do his own dirty work. Jethro blasts Abyss in his back repeatedly with a chair as we go to a break.
Tara, with a tarantula crawling on her arm, wants to fight Awesome Kong. Tara looks very nervous as the spider crawls ever closer to her face.
Rhino and Jessie Neal vs. Eric Young and Sheik Abdul Bashir
Young starts with Neal. A Shoulderblock puts Eric down but he trips Neal coming off the ropes. Tag to Rhino who also hits a shoulderblock for two. A tag back to Jessie Neal who comes in with yet another shoulderblock. Eric catches him off the ropes with an elbow and tags in Bashir. Bashir lays the kicks on Neal. A dropkick to Neal’s back gets two. Tag to Eric who nearly takes Neal’s head off with a clothesline. That gets two. Young tags Bashir. Neal with a sunset flip but Bashir tags Eric. Eric hits an elbowdrop that gets two. Tag back to Bashir. Rhino charges into the ring which allows Young and Bashir to lay the boots to Neal. Eric self tagas and drops a few elbows. Eric gets caught with a foot coming off the second rope. Neal comes close to tagging Rhino but instead attacks Bashir. This allows Eric to roll him up for the three.
Post-match, Rhino berates Neal for not tagging him. Rhino slaps Neal and Gores him.
Rhino tells Lauren that Jessie’s best wasn’t good enough. After one match? Rhino says Jessie makes mistake after mistake after mistake. He yells that the boy made a fool of him and whatnot. I can only hope this spells the end of Jessie Neal. More importantly, Rhino is long overdue for a pink slip. If the best Creative can come up with for Rhino is to have him “train†a man who appears plucked directly from a barstool in a lonely Texas saloon, I fear Rhino (and myself) may be better served if he plies his trade on the indy circuit. Nevertheless, a horrible premonition remains lodged in my chest that this Jessie Neal ordeal is not over by a long shot.
Oh God. Another Knockouts match appears imminent. Because the comedic potential of having a man embroiled with female wrestlers has worked so well before in establishing credibility and prestige to a woman’s division (reference not found), TNA can’t help but dig into the musty, mosquito infested well one more time. I’m looking for Kong and Victoria (and a well timed Angelina ass shot) to save me from the grips of suicide.
ODB  vs. Awesome Kong  vs. Angelina Love vs. Tara
The women pair up and brawl. ODB catches Angelina in a fallaway slam. ODB and Tara gang up on Kong but both end up on their backs following a pair of clotheslines. Kong misses a charge and falls to the floor. ODB hits a plancha on several women on the outside. Tara tries to do the same, misses and smacks her head on the floor. Sick. Back from the break, Tara has regained conscious though a concussion is sure to follow.  Kong with an avalanche and a Rikishi butt bump on Tara. Kong and Tara go toe-to-toe on the floor. Love hits what I guess is called the Botox Injection for two. ODB with a running powerslam but Kong breaks the pin at two. Kong dumps Love. Kong’s legrop gets two from ODB. Kong plants ODB with a chokeslam but Deaner jumps on the apron and kisses Kong, earning him an Awesomebomb. Tara sneaks a rollup for the three.
Winner: Tara (* – About as good as you’re going to get from a Knockouts match)
Sting, fresh from St. Canard and looking as ready for a nap as ever, is backstage with AJ. AJ says his match with Morgan later is a pressure match and will go on to define him as a wrestler.
Team 3-D talk about how far Steiner and Booker T have declined. In reality, all four of them are overdue for banishment to autograph signings in strip malls. I wonder what it will take for these old wrestlers to retire. It’s obvious at this point, wrestling companies are either too loyal or stupid to push out their aging talent.
Scott Steiner vs. Brother Ray – No DQ Match
Steiner rambles on a bit pre-match with all the eloquence of an autistic three year old. For sanities sake I tune out the verbal sparring that ensues. Steiner takes control of Bubba early. Steiner with a crisp T-Bone suplex for one. Steiner runs into Bubba’s boot. Steiner floats over a bodyslam attempt but gets caught with the Bubba Bomb for two. Booker and D-Von come into the ring and proceed to brawl. Booker gets dumped. 3-D hit the Wassup Drop and go for tables. The British Invasion wonder down for no particular reason though the distraction allows Booker and Steiner to chokeslam Bubba through a table for the three.
Winner: Scott Steiner (DUD – I don’t even want to talk about it.)
Foley and Nash sign their contract without incident. They begin discussing money and whether or not they are wrestlers or athletes. Somehow this leads to Nash taking off his shirt. Foley is upset that nobody got thrown through the table so puts himself through it.
AJ Styles vs. Matt Morgan – Best of Three (Series tied 1-1)
AJ; a glinting piece of gold in a mound of steaming shit. Styles shows just how serious he is by hitting Morgan with a sommersault senton before Morgan can even get into the ring. AJ uses the guardrail to slingshot into an elbow. Back in the ring, AJ starts working Morgan’s leg. He locks in a figure four as Kurt “Night Stalker†Angle looks on. Morgan makes the ropes. Morgan fights back, knocking AJ to the mat. A nifty reversal sequence ends with an AJ dropkick for a quick one count. AJ then gets plastered with a boot trying to jump in on Morgan in the corner. The Elbows of Fury are followed by an Avalanche. And hallelujah Morgan is still selling the leg. Morgan with a sideslam for two. AJ gets dumped rather brusquely. AJ crawls back in but meets a boot choke. Guillotine leg drop gets two. A fallaway slam nets Morgan another two count. Morgan in complete control as Drake Mallard shouts encouragement from the outside. AJ ducks the Carbon Footprint, causing Morgan to jam his leg on the turnbuckle. AJ fights back with an enzuiguiri. A sweet springboard dropkick gets AJ a two count. Morgan catches AJ in a sideslam for two. Morgan climbs but AJ trips him onto the top turnbuckle. AJ climbs as well but gets dropped by a headbutt. But, crazy ass AJ hits the Pele to Morgan who’s sitting on the top turnbuckle. Pin gets two and a half. Morgan absolutely drills AJ with the Carbon Footprint for three.
Winner: Matt Morgan (**3/4 – I’m of two minds here. I’m all for TNA elevating new stars. But for Christ’s sake, it had to be AJ whose throat they slashed at Morgan’s altar. Sting has been shuffling around for months with all the vigor of a cancer-ridden sheep dog. Why not have Morgan squash him and send Mr. Borden to a well-deserved retirement. TNA continues to add stars who are either bloated and so far over-the-hill they can no longer see the sun rise on the other side (Mick Foley) , can’t wrestle (Taz), won’t wrestle (Lashley) or can’t do much of anything (the inevitible Kennedy signing) while burying their homegrown talent (AJ, Shelley, Daniels, etc.). And to hasten this company’s unavoidable slide into receivership, I just heard they’ve replaced the best colour man today, Don West, with f*cking Taz. What was I talking about before that rant? Oh yeah, really good match as always from these two.)
The Mafia make their way down to the ring while white America’s answer to O.J. Simpson, Kurt Angle calls for a microphone. Kurt congratulates Morgan before taking credit for recruiting him. Morgan corrects him. Kurt then ask Morgan to lay down for him in their match on Sunday. Morgan refuses.
So dire is my hope, for not only this show but humanity in general, all that can save me from everlasting despair is watching, on repeat, the sad spectacle of Billy Gunn collecting garbage during last week’s Impact. To make matters worse, I’ll be covering tomorrow’s episode as well (now two days ago). Excuse me as I crawl into bed with a bottle of Tequila, utterly defeated by another maddening week of TNA Impact.
