Welcome to the first official installment of At The Risk of Sounding Uncool, a new biweekly column here on Pulse Wrestling. Named in honor of my favorite moment in professional wrestling – Mick Foley’s first title win – and the fact that it’s essentially impossible to discuss anything regarding the sport without sounding at least a little bit like a complete dork. Don’t hide from that, embrace it. This column will basically be about whatever catches my attention in the two weeks prior, whether it be an interesting angle, a compelling storyline, or a particularly great match.
But for right now, I’d like to discuss something a little bit different, a true gem of wrestling merchandise that, until recently has been lost in the sands of time. I’m referring to Great Texan, the album created by none other than the hardcore legend himself, Terry Funk. I came across the record after it was posted by Bruiser Brody on The Real TSM message board (www.therealtsm.com), who took it from a post over on the Figure Four Online board. Since I don’t have an account there I honestly have no idea why this album was created, when it was released, or how it came to light. All I know is that it’s fantastic.
I went into Great Texan with absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. What I expected, given the cover art, track list, and the person involved, was some sort of low-key country album, with the hardcore legend not doing much more than mumbling along to the twangy strains of a worn-down dreadnought guitar. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Great Texan
http://www.sendspace.com/file/thiojt
The title track kicks off the album with the kind of strains you’d expect from a disco record, complete with hyperactive drum track, gratuitous horns and a gaggle of soulful backup singers proclaiming their love for Terry Funk. And all that’s beside the obviously-Japanese MC struggling through an overblown intro in which he tries to describe Funk as “the most dynamic wrestler in the world†only to have it come out like “the worst seismic person in the worldâ€.
To call what Funk does on this track singing is overly generous to say the least. For the most part it’s some guy – only identified as “Jimmy†in the lyrics – doing most of the singing, going into frankly disturbing detail describing the legend’s prodigious muscles while Funk chimes in every once in a while to expand upon the level of his physical prowess.
And the bridge…oh my God, the bridge. The music slows down and gets all mellow to allow Funk an opportunity to remind the listener that, beneath it all, he’s really a sweet guy with a warm heart. It’s glorious.
Touch Your Heart (Sayonara Boku Ienai)
http://www.sendspace.com/file/efdffj
Things take a mellow turn here as the album switches from bombastic disco to melodic ballad, featuring the digitized plucking of what I guess is supposed to be a shamisen, just in case anybody forgot how incredibly Japanese this album is.
Anyway, Funk is finally allowed to take the spotlight with this track, pouring his heart out to tell the object of his desire just how difficult it’s going to be to say goodbye. Unfortunately for her, it’s pretty much impossible to make out anything he’s saying since his vocals are so low that it sounds as though he was recorded off of a karaoke stage by some guy in the back of the audience using the cassette player as a coaster.
It’s just as well – not to be mean but Funk can’t sing a lick. There isn’t a single ounce of emotion in his voice, which is kind of a problem for what is supposed to be a tender song about parting and heartbreak. Even when Funk does attempt a bit of range all it does is induce cringing. Otherwise, it’s actually not a bad bit of seventies-style mellow pop, but there’s just no way to get around Funk’s awful crooning. Let’s move on.
We Like to Rock
http://www.sendspace.com/file/lm032v
For a song with a title like “We Like to Rockâ€, you probably wouldn’t expect background instrumentals on par with those of a Cyndi Lauper single. That’s exactly what we get as Funk mutters something about being a juvenile delinquent and enjoying rock and roll, in that order.
In what’s becoming a theme Funk can barely be heard as he describes his miscreant exploits and pleads with those in charge to leave him and his other punk friends alone. Everything I’ve read about Funk is that he’s an incredibly soft-spoken and gentle man, which is maybe something they should have taken into consideration before asking him to sing an entire album’s worth of songs.
Change Your Mind
http://www.sendspace.com/file/x5fch9
Now we’re back to the disco as “Change Your Mind†immediately assaults the listener with a Motown-style guitar track, cascading strings and the backup singers echoing Funk as he pleads with the love of his life to think twice about leaving him. The legend is given quite a bit to sing here – it’s just too bad that it’s essentially the same five lines over and over and his delivery is as flat as an ironing board. Nothing particularly interesting here.
Barbara Streisand’s Nose
http://www.sendspace.com/file/2h0f7e
After an opening guitar melody that kind of sounds like the first version of the one heard in “Beat Itâ€, Funk comes in and tells a charming tale of a woman who saw his name on a bathroom wall (?) and came by to “give him a try”. If that in itself wasn’t weird enough, Funk goes on to describe his female caller as having, among other features, Streisand’s nose, Mick Jagger’s lips and Herschel Walker’s thighs. Urrgh.
The odd thing is, Funk actually sounds like he’s trying on this track, as though the mental image of this freak of nature was enough to get his artistic juices flowing. Despite the lyrical content it’s actually not a bad song – it’s even got a kick-ass guitar solo halfway through. And I defy you not to laugh when Funk yells “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN…BARBARA STREISAND’S NOSE?! HA HA HA HA HA…†It’s pretty great.
Roppongi
http://www.sendspace.com/file/svz8p1
Things take a jazzy turn here, with some surely-depressed studio musician wailing away on a saxophone while Funk describes the time he spent at a club in Roppongi, a district in Tokyo which is currently known for its gigantic strip clubs and bars in which foreigners are robbed after having their drinks spiked. Fun!
The song itself is pretty depressing after the relative energy of the last track, with Funk returning to his lifeless, inaudible delivery over basic smooth jazz instrumentals. It’s the kind of thing you’d hear on the light radio station that every city seems to have, the one that claims to have “songs for your workday†or some other such garbage. Really bad.
We Hate School
http://www.sendspace.com/file/6wr5to
Thankfully, it’s easy to forget the mind-numbing dullness of “Roppongi†as “We Hate School†comes in with a little bit of Alice Cooper-like attitude, with Funk decrying authority figures for getting on his case when all he wants to do is rock and roll.
It’s kind of odd to hear Funk say in the last verse that he’d like to punch his girlfriend in the nose, but it’s worth it to hear him actually try and sing again while the delinquent chorus repeats “we hate school†over and over again in the background. Short and inoffensive.
Great Texan (Theme From Terry Funk)
http://www.sendspace.com/file/5wnfqi
Basically the same as the first track, except that they took out all of the vocals save those of the backup singers and replaced them with some half-assed instrumentals. It’s better song for it but at the same time a lot less funny. Basic overblown seventies instrumental stuff, here.
At times in this review, I’ve been harsh on the album and on the legend himself, but believe me when I tell you that Great Texan is a masterpiece. It’s the pinnacle of seventies overproduced, shortsighted, quick-buck music projects. Not only is it incredibly funny at times it also, shock of shocks, actually features a couple competent songs that you could listen to in front of non-wrestling fans without feeling embarrassed. That’s more than virtually any WWF/E or WCW album can say.
If you want to experience the greatness of Great Texan for yourself – and I highly recommend that you do so – I’ve provided a download link with each song. Sorry for the clunky format. Happy listening! See you in two weeks.
