For Your Consideration….RAWesome Post-SummerFest-ivities

For Your Consideration….RAWesome Post-SummerFestivities

Well, you have to appreciate the fact that I, the biggest WWE apologist on the site, was taken to task for ripping SummerSlam. By an ROH guy no less.

I kid, I kid. Glazer and I go back and forth with stuff like this all the time, I’m just glad he finally put the pen to paper and posted it. With that said, and before we get to RAW, let me just point out a few things (but first, the obligatory Twitter plus, so follow me at twitter.com/awheeler316 and never miss an update).

First, I said SummerSlam sucked because they didn’t meet the fictitious goal that I set out for it. You see, SummerSlam is the number two pay-per-view event of the year, and as such it kept its mystique by being the big blowoff event for months of storylines. SummerSlam wasn’t going to be mistaken for Backlash or No Mercy or Unforgiven because SummerSlam was one of the Big Four. And as one of the Big Four, it has it’s hook. Survivor Series has the great elimination matches. Rumble sets up Mania and has a great gimmick main event. Wrestlemania is the Super Bowl. What does that make SummerSlam then?

SummerSlam was always the show that blew off the months of storylines that tended to build post-Mania. Back in the dark ages when we only had four big shows a year, the gap between Mania and SummerSlam was interminable. We would live for Mean Gene to be at the update desk and tell us what incredible matches we were going to see. This meant that from April until August, you were priming yourself for the blockbuster feuds.

This year’s SummerSlam on paper was not the most blow-away show of all time. DX was back and they were facing a less-than-credible threat (again). Cena and Orton were wrestling in a match that had little-to-no hype. In fact, the only match on the card with any true heat was the TLC main event.

Glazer first took me to task regarding Ziggler and Mysterio. He thought it was a great match. I thought it was a good match with a colossally stupid ending. I think that Ziggler opening the PPV with a clean and strong win over Mysterio would really establish him as a true star of the future. I go back to it a lot, but the perfect formula for this match was Hart/Perfect at SS 91. Yes, Dolph was a heel, but that doesn’t mean that getting the rub would be any less impactful. Rey Mysterio, former world champion, being beaten clean by a young buck. Instead? We get Ziggler going 0 and 2, with his eventual win coming either at a lesser PPV or-worse-on a Smackdown. Winning on free television doesn’t hold the same meaning, and while SummerSlam might not be what it once was, it is still considered a bigger deal than Breaking Point.

Glazer also blamed the MVP/Swagger match on the combatants and the lame culture clash stuff. I blamed the dead crowd. I also blamed the combatants and the lame culture clash stuff. Porter has been a lost cause, a fact I pointed out quite a bit in my rant, and something Aaron picked up on also. Look, the match wasn’t great, and there were quite a few reasons why, but in the end Jack has got a lot more potential that MVP, so my anger came about because of who went over.

Sure, the DX match wasn’t bad, but to say it wasn’t formulaic is being almost naïve. Shawn and Hunter made Legacy look good by not burying them. No one thought Cody and Teddy were really going to go over, so there was no point in putting it over as a true rub. Literally, our expectations have been lowered so much that Hunter and Shawn not completely squashing Legacy is enough to qualify it as a great match. Then again, I got this one right in the Roundtable, so I guess I should just be happy.

Like Glazer, I liked the wacky Cena/Orton match as a wacky overbooked spectacle. Again, I took issue with the fact that Orton went over, because it meant yet another REMATCH. This goes to the heart of the problem. After SummerSlam, Mysterio is still going to be feuding with Ziggler, MVP is still going to be feuding with Swagger and Legacy is still going to be feuding with DX and Cena. In other words, SummerSlam didn’t really END anything. Were the matches watchable? Sure. Removing the harsh light, were some of them actually good? Absolutely. Will any of them be on a “Best of…” DVD? Probably not. Well, except for…

The TLC match was fantastic entertainment, though I’m selfish and would have liked it to go on longer. My gripe with this one was that I felt that Taker got all the heat on him at the end. Since Taker/Punk was inevitable, I thought that ending the show with a Taker appearance would have been sufficient. Short of that, I would have liked the build to their PPV match to be around the fact that Taker never touched Punk. My criticism here was minimal because the right guy went over, and having Hardy vanish in the ring and be replaced with Taker was a nice metaphor for Hardy vanishing from our hearts and being replaced by an aging Texan. No Shawn, not you. Calm down.

Alright, with that said…

Forget the lies, the money, we’re in this together. Get it? Money? Floyd Mayweather. It’s his shtick. Oh nevermind.

For the first time in forever, we’re opening with a video recap. Then, just to ensure that we know that the fan attack was fake, we see it in the package.

We open on Randy Orton’s beady little eyes and he mentions the controversy regarding a fan who ran into the ring. Oh good, Randy is flanked by Legacy and their new t-shirts. Then, in an odd moment, Teddy just announces at the start of the show that the fan was his brother Brett. Orton calls the actions of the kid (who apparently couldn’t afford the new Legacy shirt) reprehensible and it will never happen again. Randy and his freshly Bic’d head vows to remain champion.

Cole and Lawler hype Mayweather as we get our last Lillian Garcia RAW open ever. Vince is out and he’s in full-on strut. See Cole, THAT is how you pull off a tie-less shirt. Well, I guess its Mr. McMahon’s job tonight to do the SNL introduction for Floyd Mayweather. Vince then touches on the controversial finish from last night, and he reminds us again that Orton is the champ. McMahon then signs the rematch at Breaking Point. Apparently only the main events will be submission matches, so there goes the chances of seeing Kane/Khali be an “I Quit” match. Instead, Cena/Orton is “I Quit”. Vince then does the SNL “thank you and enjoy the show”, but that brings out his son-and-law and Cowboy Shawn.

Hunter’s got the microphone and Cole asks the rhetorical question of how great it is to have DX back. I’m sure Bonnie Hammer is screaming at her TV how happy she is. Vince tries to leave to avoid the humiliation, but he will have to stay put. Hunter makes an insider joke about rental cars, which is as edgy and “smart” as they will get. Triple H then says he doesn’t like “good guy” Vince McMahon. Hunter then steals some Abraham Washington stuff and compares him to Michael Vick at a PETA convention.

Shawn then keeps the hilarity going by pointing out that it’s Vince’s birthday. Hunter then namedrops Dave Chappel and Marlee Matalin. Hunter then wishes Vince a happy 84th birthday, which is apparently funny. I would have enjoyed it if Hunter would have pointed out that Vince was born in a trailer, you know, like he actually was. Vince corrects him and says he’s 64. Jesus, the ‘roids really keep a guy preserved.

If this was TV-14 DX, we’d be getting strippers who were secretly men and end it with Big Dick Johnson. This is TV-PG DX, so I’m guessing he’s getting hit with a pie. The segment has gone a little on the long side without a punchline, so it better deliver. Yes, decades of wrestling viewing and I still hope that some jokes have payoffs.

Oh good, there’s a Vince McMahon tribute package. It starts with some sweet moments from Vince’s life, so you know this will end with him peeing himself. Oh wait, it’s him singing “Stand Back”. Wow, they use a shot of Lashley shaving his head. This then leads to a bunch of DX pranks at Vince’s expanse, and Cole sells this as if it is the funniest thing he’s ever seen.

The production staff wheel out a birthday cake, so now the question is who will pop out. I would have assumed Big Dick Johnson, but this is kiddie so maybe Hornswaggle. Or Mae Young. And here come some showgirls, and from far away they don’t yet look like men. Nothing like bringing a known adulterer whose wife is running for Congress some scantily clad women. Thankfully upon closer inspection, these showgirls do in fact look like women. We then get Cirque De Soliel guys jumping around. This segment has gone on for fifteen minutes, I would like to point out. McMahon then calls the masks really gay, which can’t be family friendly. Well, maybe in Kansas.

We now get an Elvis impersonator, and I can feel my brain trying to eat itself. I guess we can be thankful that the Elvis wasn’t Santino. Cole then asks where the Honky Tonk Man is. Vince puts on the Elvis shades. McMahon tries for the Elvis dance but he could blow out his ACL again. We then sing “Happy Birthday”, a song that took two people to write, by the way.

And finally…it’s Big Dick Johnson. Thankfully, Big Dick is wearing full briefs, so thank you TV-PG. Vince then launches him out of the ring to a chorus of boos. Apparently BDJ is really over.

Now, to culminate about 20 minutes of wasted nonsense, DX positions Vince in the middle of the ring, but…here comes Legacy. What the hell? We got all that build-up for a Legacy run-in. Why didn’t they just do this at the beginning of the shenanigans? Hunter continues to call them girls, and apparently Floyd Mayweather isn’t there yet, so Hunter books Legacy versus DX and Vince. Oh, and the match is no-DQ. Vince then leads the crowd in a “Suck It” chant to end the world’s longest opening segment ever.

Commercial.

Santino is in the ring, and now has been downgraded so much that he doesn’t even get an entrance. There’s a sign in the crowd that Randy Orton equals a piss break, which means that guy would rather leave early than watch the main event. Brilliant, guy. Speaking of brilliant, The Miz is out now to cement Santino’s role as the new JTTS. Wow, he took the Honky Tonk route quicker than HTM ever did.

After about twenty minutes of “comedy”, I’m actually happy to see wrestling even if it happens to feature Santino. Marella goes for some hilarious offense, but gets caught with the SCF (made all the more awesome by Marella just shaking his head and muttering “uh oh”) for the win.

Miz has the mic and said that this brings him one step closer to beating Kofi Kingston for the US Championship. Can’t really argue with giving the gold to The Miz.

Mickie, Kelly and Gail Kim are in the back dressed in boxing gear for a guest host that didn’t even bother to show up.

Commercial.

Apparently over 1 million more people watch RAW instead of Monday Night Football last week. Sure it was preseason, but that’s a great sign for Vince.

Beth Phoeniz, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox are already in the ring, and Alicia looks almost exactly like Consequences Creed. You know, except more people probably know who Alicia is. Their opponents are also dressed in boxing gear.

Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix come in first, but Gail immediately tags in Kelly Kelly. Before Kim can get out of the ring, Cole calls her elastic. Boy, when he sticks with a word, he commits to it. Now that Kelly is alone in the ring, she gets wailed on by Beth Phoenix. It’s funny that when Kelly couldn’t wrestle she won all the time, and now that she’s capable she’s treated as a victim and a punching bag.

Rosa Mendes is in and Kelly actually hits a competent clothesline before tagging in Mickie James. Mickie is delivering knock-out blows, a move I will point out is illegal. Eh, so what. Gail Kim and Kelly dropkick out everyone until it’s just Mickie and Alicia Fox, but Alicia hits a scissors kick for the pin. Wow, Mickie’s been getting jobbed out quite a bit. Thankfully that was short and inoffensive.

We get a graphic for our six-man main event.

Commercial.

We’re back as Hunter and Shawn are hyping the WCW DVD. If that DVD mentions Terra, they will have my money. DX then plug their own merchandise. What’s great about this feud is that they are talking over a whirring shop-vac, which makes me think someone from the production side is getting fired.

Vince is in the locker-room and Jillian Hall is dressed like Marilyn Monroe and butchers “Happy Birthday”. The estate of Mildred and Patty Hill are cashing in big time tonight.

Well…it’s JeriShow. We get a replay from Mania last year when Mayweather laid out Big Show. I was there live and the heel heat that Floyd had was insane. JeriShow have the mics. Big Show starts off by burying Mayweather for not showing up. Hey, Big Show is wearing purple. How soon until someone calls him Barney? Because the WWE loves topical humor.

Show promises not to leave until Mayweather shows up, and sure enough Mayweather (and his entourage) is here. Well, they’re in the back and they are walking.

Commercial.

Lillian Garcya Later introduces Floyd Mayweather. Sure enough, there’s Floyd, with more black people on the ramp then there are in the crowd. Money gets some pyro and he bares a striking resemblance to a member of the Filthy Animals. Either that or a painter.

As if this show wasn’t running long enough, Floyd takes a good five minutes to actually get in the ring. We are halfway through the show, and the only matches we’ve seen are Santino/Miz and a six-Diva tag. I’m all for giving everyone a break, but would it kill them to give us just a bit of Evan Bourne?

Floyd calls this Money Day. Mayweather promises to knock Big Show out tonight. Unfortunately, he can’t wrestle because he has to plug his PPV fight. Jericho gets in his face and Chris takes umbrage to him being called the greatest fighter in the world. Instead, he’s a great self-promoter. I hope Vince takes umbrage with THAT. Jericho then says Mayweather isn’t that great of a boxer. Chris takes the opportunity to call someone short by calling him a little man.

Big Show wants to dismantle what is left of him after the PPV match. JeriShow versus Mayweather and Shaq would get some ink. MVP interrupts to remind us that he once was seen as the future of the brand. Porter then admits to gambling on boxing and then he tries to make fun of Jerishow with some unfunny rhetoric. I don’t get it, when he feuded with Matt Hardy there was no one better. Was it the face turn that killed his momentum? The move to RAW? Or was he just overhyped to begin with?

MVP calls them Beauty and the Beast, which makes Jericho Linda Hamilton apparently. Porter wants Jericho to just shut up, so he now wants to beat JeriShow to rid RAW of Chris Jericho. MVP apparently has a partner in the back. I wonder if it will be Mark Henry. Because you know Vince logic, every black guy in the company should tag with each other.

MVP asks if he can get a #1 Contender match tonight, and Mayweather says he can have it, but he’ll do him one better and make it tonight. Zuh? And sure enough, MVP’s partner is Mark Henry. So I guess MVP is now officially D-Lo Brown. Let’s hope Jericho doesn’t become the next Droz.

Commercial.

We’re back and the match is underway. Yes, one African American tag team consisting of a fast guy and a big guy couldn’t beat JeriShow, so hopefully another African American tag team consisting of a fast guy and a big guy can succeed.

Bare in mind, when I was predicting SummerSlam I was talking about a post-Slam world where JeriShow and DX would feud. That means we’d get some great singles matches and an entertaining tag match on PPV. Instead, we are on a path to seeing Mark Henry and Big Show in a one-on-one match. Yup.

Big Show and Jericho pound away on Porter as Floyd Mayweather earns his paycheck by sitting through this. I, who doesn’t get paid, am sitting through this for you. I’m like Jesus minus the HBK loyalty.

Porter goes for a hot tag but Jericho stops him and locks in a resthold. Mayweather on the outside starts shouting “You’re next!”, which really doesn’t make a lick of sense. Meanwhile, MVP gets tossed back in the ring.

Jericho stops beating on MVP long enough to tag in Big Show. So what this means is that somehow, some way, Mark Henry and MVP will win this match, go to the PPV and lose. Then can we get JeriShow/DX? Please? I’m sure Hunter and Shawn realize they never held tag gold.

MVP and Jericho hit a double-clothesline and…

Commercial.

We’re back and Porter is still getting the shit kicked out of him. This is transcending Ricky Morton and veering into Rodney King territory. What? I can be less-than-topical as well.

Porter is now going for the Harlem Heat tag and here comes Kool Aid Man. Jericho goes for the Codebreaker and Henry tosses him into the World’s Strongest Slam position but Chris turns it into a DDT. The awesomeness of that series is a testament to the amazing skill of Chris Jericho.

MVP is now back in after thirty seconds of Henry. Hey, if you have any shot of getting him over, it’s using in him very short bursts.

Porter hits the Ballin’ Elbow for two. I will point out here that Porter could have lost to Swagger last night and got all of his heat back tonight just by being associated with Mayweather.

Jericho takes MVP down but Henry bulldozes Big Show off of the apron. MVP gets brass knuckles slipped to him by Mayweather, knocks out Jericho and it’s over.

We get a group hug to end this, with Mayweather looking like MVP and Mark Henry’s child. Then, in a moment of brilliance, Big Show is carrying an unconscious Jericho over his shoulder.

In the back, Cody and Teddy are conferring with Brett DiBiase. Orton throws Brett out of the locker-room and Randy verbally masturbates to the idea of kicking Vince in the skull. Seek help, Randy. Seek help. Orton then ends it by pretty much promising to kill Vince McMahon. Yeah, you probably don’t wanna mention that out loud.

Rise and Fall of WCW commercial. I can’t wait to get my hands on that.

Commercial.

We get a replay of last week and Chavo getting Home Aloned.

In the ring, we get a Chavo/Hornswoggle boxing match. So basically this is Mr. T and Roddy Piper, only fewer DUIs. Chavo apparently has to wear comically large gloves.

This show has been so heavy on comedy sketches that it’s hard to believe that this is the program that brought down WCW. I’m all for one segment of comedy, but after the opening segment, I was hoping for a straight show the rest of the night.

Chavo takes off his gloves and slams Hornswoggle. This match was so crooked you’d swear Don King had promoted it. Chavo now climbs the top rope looking for a frog splash. Evan Bourne runs out to save Hornswoggle, and now I wanna see Bourne/Chavo as soon as possible! Evan then hits the Air Bourne to a pop. Hey, I’m just happy to see Bourne doing something other than jobbing.

Commercial.

We’re back and get to see the SummerSlam Los Angeles hype package again.

Vince McMahon is in the back training with Floyd Mayweather. Carlito then shows up and points out that he isn’t on the show. Please don’t give them any ideas. The next thing you know we’ll see Carl and Matherpiece facing Primo and Kingston. Which, by the way, I’m sure is our Superstars match. DX then pops up to compliment Floyd and then Hunter makes a joke about nailing Stephanie. This ends in Vince knocking out Carlito by accident. Glad to see Carl got some screen time.

Commercial. We get a commercial hyping an upcoming commercial for a trailer for Halloween II. Yes, you read that right.

We’re back, and does anyone find it odd that John Cena is nowhere to be seen. Wasn’t this six-man tag originally Cena and DX versus Legacy? Maybe he’s working on another movie or he’s injured or doing some more LA publicity. Whatever it is, it’s odd.

Are you ready for your main event? Well, regardless, here it is.

Shawn and Hunter come out first with glow sticks, because if DX has ever stood for one thing, it was family friendly entertainment.

Vince gets his own entrance next and shuffles down to the ring.

Legacy is out next, and they not only look tough but apparently they got a group rate at Mystic Tan. Lawler reminds us that this is very personal because Orton has pretty much made Vince’s whole family his bitch.

Vince launches Shawn Michaels outside onto Legacy to start the match. In the ring, Vince wails on Cody before tagging in Shawn. Look, I’m all for promoting the WCW DVD, but having a 60-something guy in your main event was clearly Turner-land stuff only.

Hunter then launches Cody onto the rest of Legacy and now they look like the comedic bitches I expected DX to turn them into last night.

Commercial.

We’re back in our DXCITING main event with a DXCITIN rest hold. Now Hunter and Teddy are dead on the floor and they both look for the hot tag. Shawn comes in now and unloads on Teddy. If Legacy is going to have any leg to stand on at this point, they need to get the win here tonight.

Shawn hits the top rope elbow but Cody hits a bulldog. Orton is in now as Lawler and Cole remind us that this is no-DQ. Randy breaks out the Garvin Stomp again for a little while before tagging Cody back in.

I like that Shawn has taken the WWE to task for not making any bright stars on RAW, but outside of giving Cody and Teddy the rub, how has having DX take up 45 minutes of television advanced his goal? It’s rhetorical (eight).

Teddy is in now, only for him to hold Shawn back for Orton. We’re at 11:01 and you have to know that the finish is coming soon. Shawn tries to get a tag but instead gets caught in a resthold.

Lawler again points out how personal this is. If it’s really no DQ and this is really that personal, why wouldn’t Hunter and Vince grab a sledgehammer and a chair and just finish the job off?

Shawn breaks free from the resthold but Cody runs in to cut of the hot tag. It works for a second until Triple H gets tagged in. Hunter hits a “vintage” high knee, and Cole has again pointed out that he overuses terms he misuses to begin with. Vince wants in now but Hunter wants to Pedigree him first. Vince now goes for the pin but Orton breaks it up.

Orton goes for the skull kick but Shawn leaps out of nowhere to stop it. DX is now alone in the ring and Orton is leaving. This is apparently vintage Randy Orton. Wait, there’s Cena. John Cena is wailing away on Orton and tosses Randy into the ring. Sweet Chin Music by Michaels, FU by Cena and Vince gets the pin.

I could end this column on a sarcastic down note and point out that Shawn, who rallied to put over new guys, just put over a sixty-four year old billionaire. But I won’t. Consider it a birthday gift, Vince.

This has been for your consideration.

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