Rey Mysterio Jr. has one again been caught abusing drugs. I am not a saint. I have partaken in my fair share of pills and steroids. I’ve snorted coke, heroin, angel dust. I’ve freebased Mary Jane and taken hit after hit of acid. I drink a cup of caffeine every morning and had to kick the tobacco devil off my throat hole. I’ve Xed out and prozaced in. I’ve watched my fair share of the horrible sitcom Two and a Half Men. I’ve eaten ass for an Oxy and licked vag for a Vicodin. I’m not innocent. But Rey Mysterio Jr., you are beyond the pale! I hope we can all only hope that they respond to this incident with the swift expulsion of Tyler Reks.
Speaking of Tyler Reks, it wouldn’t shock me if he framed Rey Mysterio. When he was a little girl the douchebag wrestling surfer developed a firm hatred of Mexicans. He would beg the Mexican family that lived next door to use his tongue as toilet paper, but they simply glared at him with the contempt that normal people feel for 8 year old white kids with dreadlocks. Ever since then he swore that one day he would frame a Mexican for using drugs and get as many people as possible to use his tongue as toilet paper. While he has succeeded on the latter, it is the former that still troubles him and it is why I think that he might be responsible for Rey’s positive test.
In the end, regardless of how much Tyler Reks loves licking a freshly used butthole, Rey Mysterio is innocent until proven guilty. He claims he had a prescription for the drugs that were in his system when he took the test. Before we turn into an angry mob I hope we can all take a deep breath and remember that the most important thing right now is to come up with a new nickname for him. Although from what I understand this had nothing to do with HGH, I’m going to call him Roid Mysterio.
Christopher Daniels was arrested for a DUI after a wild night of drinking with Hurricane Helms. Police say Daniels ingested over a bottle of whiskey and a pint of green semen.
Seriously though, Christopher Daniels, you’ve let us all down. We believed in you. You’re a professional wrestler who works for TNA and you were only busted for drunk driving? You should be on roids, shrooms and heroin. You should be arrested for operating a meth lab out of your abused girlfriend’s basement. Way to let us down Daniels. Jerk.
Seriously though, I’m pretty sure this took place on Friday which means Daniels didn’t honor the Sabbath and keep it holy. What a disgrace to Jews he is.
I just want to add that Tyler Reks is an ungrateful piece of crap. “Big thanks to Jim at the Power House gym in Canton Ohio for hookin up me and Yoshi with workouts.†You write that on Twitter? Jim went out of his way to make you and Yoshi feel welcome in his home, to feel welcome in the gym in which he lives and the best you can do is give him a shout out on Twitter. I wish I could see you right now so I could give you want you love so dearly, a diarrhea milkshake. Next time you get on the mike at a house show and you give Jim a shout out you ungrateful, useless dreadlocked douchebag.
Bryan Danielson signed with the WWE! Finally, we fanboys will live out our fantasies of watching Bryan Danielson take on a crappy new wrestling name and job to The Miz.
Danielson cut a promo saying that while he would love to wrestle on the Independent scene forever, he realizes that one day he’ll have medical bills and is joining the WWE so he can pay for them. That sure worked for Jake Roberts and Roddy Piper and Justin Credible and The Iron Shiek. Huh. You know, maybe more than the steroids and the insane schedule it was the massive amount of cocaine these guys did that killed all those wrestlers. Anyone know how much coke Eddie did?
The booking card is blank for most of 2010 for WWE, except for the one note that has Triple H beating Danielson in 30 seconds to win the beat the clock challenge and win the right to take on Shawn Michaels for the world title. Underneath that it’s written ‘1997 forevz!’
Huge news as Kevin Thorn and Sinn/Kizarny were backstage at TNA Impact last night, probably doing steroids and drinking before driving. Dixie Carter saw Kevin Thorn stumbling drunkenly to his car all jacked on roids and yelled, “STOP! SOMEBODY HIRE THAT MAN!â€
Let’s spoil TNA for this week and then maybe next week. I dunno. I’m running late.
Sting faces Rhino in a first round qualifying match to be part of a four way for the TNA title at whatever the next PPV is called. After Rhino inevitably loses he beats down Sting to get his 0 heat back.
Doug Williams then faces Suicide in the same kind of qualifying match. Because if anyone screams main event ready, it’s Doug Williams or Suicide.
Oooh. Motor City Machine Guns get on tv jobbing to AJ Styles. That’s better than jobbing to Abyss I guess.
In the final qualifying match, Homicide and Hernandez EXPLODE! Hernandez thanks Homicide for carrying him as long as he did by pinning him in like 3 minutes.
Daniels comes out for a promo with Joe. “I was, I mean, we were, you know. Oh man. The room is spinning. Look, Joe, the X-Division title and me, we’re like, I want it. You know? It used to mean something when you and me and AJ were all… dude! AJ! We need to get AJ into this match and then we can do what we used to do when we were doing it. Joe, what I’m trying to say is… are you looking at me with contempt? You judging me?! I’m not the fatty with the face tattoo! I don’t have ANY face tattoo! You fatty. I’m so sorry. I love you Joe.†Joe then hits him and Daniels drives off.
Christy Hemme & Tara fight Hamada and Sojo Bolt. 4 chicks? Sounds kinda like something a non-wrestling fan might like. So not gay.
AJ Styles fights Doug Williams for the chance to appear in that 4 way match with Kurt Angle and the horrible Matt Morgan. What the hell has Matt Morgan done that would even suggest people might want to pay to watch him wrestle? Anyway, I’m sure this is a nice little squash for AJ.
How long is this show? It’s only like halfway done at this point.
Sting is supposed to fight Hernandez but Eric Young comes out dressed as Hernandez and gets Hernandez disqualified. Then there’s a big thing where all the midcard heels beat up all the midcard faces in the whole company.
There’re another two girl tag team matches and The Pope fights Jay Lethal.
World Elite attempts to get Hernandez to join them by bugging Hector Guerrero. Then Dancing Stevie Richards fights Dancing Abyss.
Wow. I got bored WRITING the review of the spoilers. They have 3 tournaments going on, 2 of which the winners are obviously predictable, the other one a woman’s tag title tourney I couldn’t care less about. The top of the card features Matt Morgan, one of the worst performers on the planet, and the main event of the show is a rematch of a PPV squash match. So it sounds like a bunch of 3 minute matches interrupted by promos I could care less about. Well. Let me read the spoilers and see if it gets any better next 2 weeks.
Bad. Bad. Bad. Oooh, that’s a nice little interesting thing they’re doing with Homicide. Bad. Bad. Don’t care. Don’t care at all. OHMIGOD! Rhino vs. Bobby Lashley at the PPV! That sounds wrestlecrap bad. Girls. More interesting Homicide stuff. Two Cody Deaner vs. Chick matches. Bad. Chick stuff and Foley and Abuss stuff looks bad… and Matt Morgan in the main event. Well, I’m done with TNA for 3 weeks.
Oh! Except for one thing. Traci Brooks was supposed to be on the cover of Playboy. Instead she won’t even appear in the magazine. After she compromised her morals and sold out for what she thought would be the next level of fame and fortune it turns out that Playboy is going to email her nude photos to special subscribers. They are burying her photos. So way to go TNA! Yet another humiliating moment for the company that still has its world title on a guy caught driving around with HGH. They’re called TNA and can’t even get nudity right. You should hire Annie Social. She’ll wrestle naked for a hundred bucks, looks much hotter than Traci Brooks AND she licks pussy for like 500 more. Also, she does a pretty cool split winning move if I remember correctly. Anyway, I think it would be a nice bonus for the girls to have someone tongue massage their junk as they wrestle.
Now let’s spoil Smackdown and call it a column. Something is off this week a bit. Is the inevitable spiral beginning? Let’s find out together!
CM Punk comes out to Jeff Hardy’s music. “I bet you thought Jeff Hardy was back, didn’t you,†CM Punk asks the crowd of braying jackasses. “But no! It is I, CM Punk. Now, watch me dance!†He dances for over half an hour, breaking out such moves as the moonwalk and the robot. At first against him, the crowd cannot help but be swept in as they partake in the dancing, shaking their butt and guts and clapping along to the various dance music being played. They form a HUGE conga line for The Locomotion. Then Matt Hardy ruins everything by coming out and attacking Punk.
Finlay and The Great Khali fight Kane and Mike Knox in an Eskimo kiss showdown. To no one’s surprise, Finlay dominates with over 80 Eskimo kisses.
Vince McMahon continues his thinly veiled racist attacks on Teddy Long, calling him JTG and asking him to say the Urkel catchphrase.
Maria, Eve and Michelle were talking about Ziggler and Maria. I swear to you, this is in the spoilers, they stop discussing that and switch topics to how nice it would be to have their junk tongue massaged as they wrestled. Is Annie Social coming to the WWE? No. No, she’s not.
John Morrison solves the problem by having a 20 minutes match with Rey Mysterio for the IC title. Even though it’s just one match and the result is never in doubt, I immediately care about this match far more than I care about all of the three minute matches on TNA combined. This sounds like something I could get invested in.
R-Truth cuts a promo on Drew McIntyre. Then he goes all Pretty Ricky, hitting on dem white women while finding out if he can buy alcohol with food stamps. To be fair, I think Pretty Ricky is gone forever. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t the most super racist pro wrestling thing ever. Due to the times we live in, I’d list Pretty Ricky above Kamala and The Junkyard Dog (who was SUPER racist). Anyway, goodbye Pretty Ricky. We all wish you could have taken Tyler Reks with you to the abyss.
Maria and Eve fight Natalya and Layla to calm everything down a skootch. Oh my God! Midway through the match Annie Social runs in and starts doing lesbian stuff! Way to go WWE! You have caught my attention with this girl I’m sure many of you have never heard of.
OH! Quick note. Last week one of my readers commented that I should be on XM radio. Yeah. I bet they’re just sitting around looking for people who make jokes about wrestlers and have speech impediments. Big time here I come!
CM Punk fights Matt Hardy but Undertaker comes out and chokeslams Punk for no good reason. Then he probably chokeslams Hardy cause of that time Matt left the right when he was supposed to take a beating 5 years ago. Taker doesn’t forget!
And we’re done. If you comment below first, you can write that you were the first to comment.
