For Your Consideration…The Price is RAW (it was either that or “Come on Down…the Aisle”)

For Your Consideration…The Price is RAW (it was either that or “Come on Down…the Aisle”)

So apparently the editors have fixed some kind of glitch on PulseWrestling, which means that I can no longer immediately post my column as soon as it is finished. This is awesome because we tend to get a massive amount of traffic on the Pulse immediately after RAW is over, which means at the apex of our viewing per week, my column is not available. What this means is that chances are I am not going to do these live commentary things anymore after tonight. Why? Well I started doing the live columns because they got the instant post and I tended to get great feedback. Now, with the column going up at midnight or 2 am, it gets buried under a flood of other columns and news items and thus lost in the shuffle. Doing a live column isn’t the easiest thing in the world timewise, and if the benefit I was receiving (i.e. more hits and better feedback) is no more, then what’s the point? Alright, bitch-fest over. Call this my one diva-ish moment.

Speaking of which, here’s the standard “Follow me on Twitter” plug at twitter.com/awheeler316. I also want to give a special little plug for twitter.com/maha_kp, who has been really good about yelling at me when I don’t do a live column. Thanks for the motivational kick in the ass.

Eh, who am I kidding? I enjoy the hell out of the live recaps. Chances are I’ll stick with them.

Alright, onto the biggest labor of my week…

“Gimme a hell yeah.” Or not, I’m pretty indifferent. Just give some cash to the MDA kids, because Jerry doesn’t have that many years left and it would mean a lot to him if the charity he’s dedicated his life to actually…you know…did the one thing they’ve been trying to accomplish since day one.

Well, we start RAW tonight LIVE with Howard Finkel serving as the Rod Roddy of the 21st Century (only significantly less gay…probably not by choice but simply based on the fact that Howard isn’t exactly the most handsome gent in the world) and the WWE production folks attempting to recreate the swirling camera movements that open “Price is Right”. Either that or the drunken ghost of Road Warrior Hawk is operating the crane cam.

And Bob Barker, come on down, you’re the next quasi-celebrity to debase your reputation on…Monday Night RAW. Sure enough, Bob’s there with his ridiculous microphone. I wonder how many of the Divas have been sexually harassed so far tonight. Randy Orton can learn a thing or two from this guy. He’s a legend at making women uncomfortable. Not to mention he throws a better punch.

Barker promises everyone that they’re getting a free refrigerator. He also said that these are his kind of people, though I don’t think they are the “Price is Right” crowd. I don’t see anyone riding a hover-round nor do I see any Wilford Brimley-esque folks with “Die-a-beet-us”.

Bob thanks these kids for keeping him employed. Thank you Mr. Barker for keeping me entertained for all those years when I was home sick during the day and didn’t want to watch lame courtroom television shows. The fact that years later I went to school to become an attorney is purely coincidental.

Bob is going to play a pricing game with us. It would be awesome if they had a hardcore match and whoever came closest to the retail value of the weapon could use it. (I have to attribute that joke to my fiancé, who was polite enough to stop playing her solitaire game long enough to see the 130 year old Barker address the fans).

Barker asks Howard Finkel to grab contestants. First up is Santino Marella who comes on down, complete with giant yellow nametag. This is second only to the “Home Alone” stuff in terms of awesome nostalgia stuff. Seriously, I almost don’t wanna change the channel. However, chances are this will go on WAY too long and we’ll all lose patience.

Jillian Hall comes out next, followed by…IRS. That’s fantastic. The final contestant is Chris Jericho, who gets booed out of the building. If this ends with Barker eating a CodeBreaker I will mark out like an eight year old watching Jeff Hardy. Jericho is out now without a shirt and has his nametag stuck on his chest. He must be using Randy Orton’s bodyoil.

They are bidding on the “Best of Smackdown” DVD, which is brought out by Rose Mendez. By the way, the look of disdain that Jericho has for this bit is priceless. Marella is up first and tries to buy a vowel. Barker somehow is keeping a straight face and is selling this thing like a champion. Marella bids $1,465 bucks. Jillian Hall is up next and she has a song for Bob. You know, for as obnoxious as she is, you know Barker would tap it. The only thing this guy loves more than Plinko is pussy. Jillian bids $75 bucks. IRS is next and bids $50 including taxes. Jericho is last and I think he’s going to murderball Barker. Chris now leaves the podium and is in Bob Barker’s face.

Jericho begins to cut a promo using Bob Barker’s tall microphone. Barker, channeling Abraham Washington, interrupts Jericho’s promo for some unfunny jokes. Chris demands to be called Mr. Jericho because Jericho is the best in the world. Hmm…if this brings out Bryan Danielson then it’s amazing. Sadly, all that happens is Jericho starts saying he is one-half of the tag champs, but this leads to his bid counting as $1, meaning Jericho is the winner.

Barker sends Jericho down to the ring where apparently he won a trip to Hawaii. This leads to a shot of the Bella twins dancing in grass skirts. Apparently if Jericho wins, he gets a trip to Hawaii…but only if he beats MVP. What a swerve.

On the plus side, Bob Barker’s involvement has the crowd buzzing about MVP. Unfortunately, all this will further is a tag match between a dominant tag team and a make-shift duo.

Lawler points out that the fans are raucous, though not RAWcous. Cole says that MVP is looking to cancel Jericho’s trip to Hawaii. Sadly MVP can’t go himself without clearing it with the parole board. You know, because he’s a felon. Also because I don’t think Sherri Sheppard can fit into one seat comfortably.

Commercial.

We’re back and Jericho is just sort of toying with Porter. Cole calls Jericho a Narcissist, so we have to hope that while on that Hawaiian vacation that Chris doesn’t ride any motorcycles. Or tries to kill Miss Elizabeth again.

Cole is still the only man in the world who thinks that calling Jericho “Christina” is edgy comedy. Clearly this is a man who enjoys watching himself some “According to Jim”.

You know what, it doesn’t even benefit me to call this match. Porter’s skill in the ring has fallen so far in the past several months that you could pretty much guess what happens in the match. Jericho does heavy lifting for a while, gets a resthold to catch his breath, gives Porter some token black guy token offense and then just sort of repeats it until the ref tells him it’s time to go home. In all seriousness, Jericho now has the skill to wrestle a watchable match with anyone on the roster. We need to really hope and pray that he doesn’t go on another sabbatical until after Danielson and Nigel show up.

My issue with Porter is mainly the fact that his in-ring skills never seemed to improve, while his promo skills have actually decreased dramatically. He could have been a new star, but now he’s just sort of another amorphous midcard guy.

Jericho goes for the Walls, which Cole says might be MVP’s breaking point. You know, like the PPV. So essentially Jericho is showing him no mercy. Porter rolls out of it, goes for the Playmaker, goes for the CodeBreaker but gets countered for a pin. Just like last week, the majority of the match was forgettable and the finish was quick and exciting. On the plus side, the Chicago crowd isn’t dead for an MVP win. I hope Porter can find that passion he had during the Matt Hardy feud and climbs up the card, because this vanilla version of MVP won’t cut it.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Fine, I’ll wear a tie” Cole throw us back to what happened last week. You wanna know what happened last week? Go read my last column.

Tonight we get Cena/Rhodes. This should be a great match considering like two months ago Cena dominated both Cody and Teddy in a handicap match.

Commercial.

We’re back and Kelly Kelly is left alone with Bob Barker. Apparently the proceeds from Bob Barker’s book goes to spay and neuter dogs. Speaking of neutered dogs, here comes DX.

Hunter and Shawn pimp “Happy Gilmore” and ask how to spay and neutuer Priceless. Instead, we get to see DX play a game. You know, like Hunter’s name. No, not King of Kings. Not Cerebral Assassin. No, not Terra Ryzin. Oh forget it.

So the gimmick here is that they spin the wheel and whoever it lands on is who they face. You know, I wonder what happened to that machine after WCW went out of business.

Their first opponent is Chris Masters. Hunter mentions the Matherpiece’s hair plugs. Way to bury the kid. Hunter’s opponent is Randy Orton. Hunter promises to return for the Showcase Showdown as we go to…

Commercial.

We get another replay of Chavo’s career come crumbling down. And sure enough he’s in the ring. So not only does he get buried, he gets no entrance. On the plus side, if he wins the match, he can win a new car. Yeah, that’ll make up for killing his livelihood.

Chavo’s opponent is Evan Bourne. Yes, you read that correctly, Evan Bourne. Not a midget. Chavo Guerrero is actually going to face a legitimate pro wrestler in a pro wrestling match.

Chavo actually looks pretty impressive against Bourne, so when he loses in the end it’ll be slightly more credible.

When RAW has guys like Chavo and Bourne on the roster, one hopes we could see the rekindling of the old Dean Malenko/Rey Misterio matches from WCW. Seriously, just let them cut loose for one segment a week and everyone that (rightfully) bitches about RAW would have to shut up.

Hey, we can dream, right?

Chavo just killed Evan Bourne off the top rope in one of the greatest bumps of the year. Bourne went for a top rope hurricarana only for Chavo to move and Bourne to bounce like four times. Then Chavo goes for the Three Amigos and I almost remembered that this was a former world champion and pro wrestler.

Oh wait, Hornswaggle is out with a squirt gun. Well, so much for credibility. Bourne rolls up Chavo and the match is over. The only way to end this feud is for Chavo to kill the midget. Hell, find the box that they packed the Spirit Squad in and toss that little bastard in there.

We pimp Breaking Point as Cena is walking in the back towards a…

Commercial.

We get another replay of Cody looking conflicted. The White Sox are sitting ringside alongside some hot girls who are clearly confused as to where they are.

Cody Rhodes gets his own entrance first, minus the rest of Legacy. I can’t believe we don’t get a single promo about what happened last week. This was the perfect chance for DX to mock him. Oh wait, Rhodes and his duck billed mouth has the microphone. He informs us that he is still a member of Legacy, even though he isn’t happy about what happened last week.

Cody said that Dusty didn’t make him a main eventer, Randy did. Uh Cody, I hate to tell you, but you’re at best an upper midcard guy who jobs to main event talent. I mean when Hunter made Orton a main event guy, he helped him win the title. All Randy Orton did for you was rescue you from a life of tagging with Hardcore Holly. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a pretty sweet deal, but not really main event good.

Cody then said that Dusty is an excellent father. Awesome. Cody then said that aligning with Legacy is the right choice and that he will make DX tap out. You know, with the finishing move he’s never established or even used. “There’s nothing this son wouldn’t do for his career.” Well, I guess that means he was willing to blow Pat Patterson.

Speaking of blowing, Cena blew the roof off of the arena. Seriously, Chicago loves Cena. Too bad he can’t bottle that reaction and use it everywhere.

Cody and Cena lock up in the center of the ring while the audience chants loudly for John. If Cena can make Cody even look slightly credible then he’s done his job. Just as I write that, Cena launched Cody out of the ring and into…

Commercial.

We’re back and the price…sigh…is RAW. I wrote that lame title before Cole said that, and sure enough they’ve beaten that into the ground. Cody is now back crawling on the outside. Thankfully, it was a ploy and now Cody is in control. Rhodes needs a bit of credibility going into Breaking Point, so my guess is that Teddy is going to save him and this ends in a DQ beatdown. Which means later tonight we’ll get a DX beatdown which will lead to a Cena save and a staredown. You know, fresh and exciting stuff.

Chances are, Cody is going to lose on Sunday. Triple H and Shawn Michaels both have submission moves that they can use. The only way that Cody is winning is if they decide to bust out the clichéd Montreal Screwjob and have him lock in a Sharpshooter and the ref ring the bell. Other than that, he’s tapping.

In the ring, Cody is looking slightly legit, as it appears he’s put on a bit of bulk. He no longer looks like an Ethiopian child covered in flies. Unfortunately, Cody is trying to wrestle a submission match, which is a horrible preview of what could be a disastrous PPV. This means that the submission matches are going to have a ton of restholds. When you want to fast-forward on a PPV, you know you’re in trouble.

Cena muscles out of the submission hold and goes for the FU but Cody breaks free. Cody is now going for a Figure Four but Cena blocks it. Cole, of all people, points out that we’ve never seen Cody use that. Sure enough, Cena just turns it into an STFU but Orton runs in. Hmm…maybe Teddy has the night off. Well, this draws the DQ and then Cena hits the FU onto Rhodes. We get a dramatic staredown as we head to…

Commercial.

Next week on RAW Batista will make a career-altering announcement. That announcement? That he never really collected lunchboxes. That would be quite a swerve.

Howard Finkel announces Barker again, and Bob said we’ve got a lot of excitement tonight. Sure Bob, sure. AJ Pierzynski is the next contestant. Man, the White Sox have a real hard-on for the WWE. The fans are booing the hell out of AJ. Barker asks if the crowd loves the Cubs and they boo the hell out of that. Good. Cubs suck. Go Marlins.

Who am I kidding? Go Gators.

We now are bidding on a Wrestlemania XXVI package. That’s cool. AJ bids $1,000. IRS bids $2,000. Clearly the bumps he took over the years have caused brain damage. Jillian Hall bids $5,000. Santino Marella is last and he bids “What is $1,200?” You know, like “Jeopardy”. It’s funny. It’s a big hat. Well, it turns out Marella won and he hugs Bob Barker.

Marella won a new hot tub, and the Bella Twins are chilling in there in bikinis. Well, they’re not chilling because it’s hot. There’s no joke here, just a correction. That’s all.

Santino asks if the Bella Twins come with the hot tub, but Barker isn’t a flesh peddler. Apparently Marella can win it in a bodyslam contest. Wow, there’s a lot of Lex references tonight.

Marella has to slam The Big Show. I thought it would have been Mark Hey-Hey Henry. Well, Santino tries to lift him up and fails. Marella gets scooped up and then he’s slammed. We get the “wah wah” music, which gets a pop. Bob Barker is confused and asks if it’s a win or not. Yeah, he looked really lost. This was Jackie Gayda-esque.

Bob Barker says that Big Show has another opponent, and NOW it’s Mark Hey-Hey Henry. The production crew then cut to two random black guys bouncing along to Henry’s theme as we bounce to…

Commercial.

We’re back and we’re just thankful it isn’t an arm wrestling competition. Henry and Show are hammering away on each other and we’re supposed to believe that the World’s Strongest Man can’t slam Big Show.

What a bodyslam challenge. This is electrifying. Speaking of electrifying, John Cena is guest starring on “Psych”. It’s times like this that I miss “Pacific Blue” on USA. Now THAT was a terrible show that deserves WWE guest-stars. Or what about “G v. E”, when they wrote an awkward episode as an excuse for Mick Foley to show up.

Speaking of awkward, both of the men keep grabbing each other in inappropriate places until Mark Henry slams Big Show. MVP shows up out of nowhere and Cole apparently NOW believes that they might win the gold. Because Henry could slam Big Show. Because everyone gets beat by a bodyslam. I mean it is 1955, right?

In the back we get Bob Barker and Josh Matthews and more book shilling. Bob said that the most unusual thing that ever happened was a girl in a tube top running down the aisle and her boobs popped out. Sadly, she is hideous. She looks like Aunt Jemima if Aunt Jemima weighed 105 pounds. She looks like an R. Crumb drawing.

Bob Barker said that he’s broken a toe, hurt his back and shattered his jaw. It turned into a “Don’t try this at home” PSA.

Commercial.

We’re back as Cole and Lawler pimp Breaking Point. Stay tuned this weekend for the Rasslin Roundtable.

Barker is still in the back reading his anecdotes and marking out for himself as Chavo shows up bitching about not getting the car. Didn’t that happen like eight segments ago? Chavo won’t leave until he gets a car. Chavo then points out that Bob Barker used to train with Chuck Norris. Barker then beats the crap out of Chavo before reminding us to help control the pet population.

In the back Randy Orton and Chris “I’m just here to take the pinfall” Masters are plotting in the back as we plot a course for…

Commercial.

Break it down folks, because here come the hip and edgy forty-something guys who used to make penis jokes. Now they toss glowsticks and peddle t-shirts. And they are STILL over. Guess that means they’re doing something right.

Cole calls them the Legendary Shawn Michaels and the Legendary Triple H. Either he’s a huge “How I Met Your Mother” fan or he needs a thesaurus.

Shawn is bouncing around the ring like a shmuck and Hunter is about to do his shtick. Hey, if they’re going to be old and repetitive, I can use some Yiddish. Hunter asks if they’re ready. Well considering how much the Cubs suck, I’d say this is a town that is used to waiting.

“For the thousands…for the millions…for Cody and Ted, who are a great team, great partners and they’re like Siegfried and Roy…and DX are the tigers…let’s get ready to suck it.” You know, that could not have sounded gayer. Let me get this straight, Priceless is gay and DX are the tigers ready to suck them off. Yet Cody and Teddy are the gay ones. This is like that episode of “South Park” where Cartman blows Butters to try and make Butters look gay.

Speaking of homoerotic, here comes the Matherpiece, which leads to Lawler putting over his tight physique. Finally, the Randy Orton comes out with his bedazzled belt.

To butch of the segment, we’re reminded that Trish Stratus is our guest-host next week. Ah Trish, behind Stacy Keibler you were the hottest Diva of the last era. And on the plus side you never fucked Test.

Well Chris Masters and Shawn Michaels start off, and I’m reminded of the Unforgiven match in 2005 when Shawn carried Chris to his best match ever.

Commercial.

We’re back and Hunter just accidentally kicked the cameraman. Hope it wasn’t Sim Snuka because he could have broken his neck. In the ring Hunter and Orton are going at it. Wow, there’s a match I haven’t seen in…days. Hunter then tags in Shawn so that we can again get to witness the magic of Shawn Michaels and Chris Masters. Didn’t Masters just job to Evan Bourne last week? And now he’s main eventing RAW? A RAW that had no Jack Swagger, Miz, Carlito or Kofi Kingston. I’m sure they’re all on Superstars, but come on! Those guys are young and could wrestle a few times in one night. To call RAW the weakest wrestling show is like calling the Georgia Bulldogs loss this weekend slightly disappointing.

Masters is in the ring killing Michaels, which makes me think that HBK wants to try and show that he can get that 10 pound bag of awful over. Orton is in now and he just hit the sickest dropkick on Michaels that I think I’ve ever seen. Shawn, seriously, you don’t need to do this. You’ve made amends for 97. You’ve made amends for losing your smile. You’re not Jesus, you don’t need to sacrifice yourself for your sins. Also, you’re not fictional (this is a “South Park” reference, so direct your hate mail to them).

Hunter is in now and he gets him some of Chris Masters. Some, not all. If he got all of Chris Masters I’m sure that would violate some of the Wellness Policy. Orton tries to jump Hunter from behind, but he’s too smart for that and he Spinebusters that Matherpiece. HBK is in now and hits the top rope elbow. Why the hell wasn’t this Teddy and Orton? Where the hell is Ted?

Michaels tunes up the band as Hunter and Orton brawl on the outside, taking out Cole’s headset. Awesome. Michaels goes for Sweet Chin Music but it gets turned into the Matherlock. Cole calls this the win of Masters career but Hunter breaks it up and Chris eats a Superkick. Hunter gets a Sharpshooter, Michaels gets a Figure Four and Chris Masters taps. Rhodes and missing Ted DiBiase show up to escort Orton out of there. Wow, who called this happening?

Orton is apparently lurking in the back as Legacy have battled out of the building. “Orton slithers out the back door to save his behind.” Nope Lawler, nothing gay about that.

In the back, DX is brawling with Legacy. They have now battled to the outside. Ted DiBiase attacks a security guy and they’ve got a chair. Rhodes and Teddy steal some guy’s car and drive off. Orton, meanwhile, is in the ring and I’d like to point out that its 11:09. Randy is talking about disappointment, which he segues into talking about Breaking Point.

Cena is out now, which means the last thing on my checklist has happened. Seriously, it’s 11:11 now and I wish this show would end already. Orton hits the second rope DDT to leave Cena laying. So for those of you who had John Cena laid out on your bingo card, fill that slot now.

Orton has a chair in the ring and he looks like he’s going to murder Cena. Randy hoists John up, drags him to the propped up chair, and hits a running RKO. See, NOW we have a feud that people will pay to see. About time.

Alright, that’s it for me. Despite all my hemming and hawing, I think I’ll be back next week, if for no other reason than to show Glazer what workrate looks like.

This has been for your consideration.