For Your Consideration…Stratusfaction Guaranteed (though don’t expect much from the wrestling)

For Your Consideration…Stratusfaction Guaranteed (though don’t expect much from the wrestling)

So yeah, I’m back. Sorry I missed the Breaking Point Roundtable, but things have been kinda nuts this past week in the real world. Not to really get into great detail, but in the past week one of my best friends had a baby, my aunt’s father died and then today my grandfather died. Needless to say, having the nice distraction of pro wrestling is a welcome relief.

Alright, real world stuff over with, onto the fake and fantastic world of wrestling. Speaking of Breaking Point, I could not be happier in terms of storyline progression (as I made clear on Twitter…speaking of which, follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316). I watched the show earlier today, and the picks that I planned on submitting were relatively spot-on.

First and foremost, I figured that JeriShow would live on. Why? Well, as I said in my Roundtable LAST month, JeriShow will not be unseated until they lock horns with DX. Hunter and Shawn have never been tag champs, and you just know they can’t resist adding that to their list of achievements. On top of that, MVP and Mark Henry aren’t exactly the kind of stable tag team that you can build a division around. Does anyone out there really want to see Henry on two shows a week? I didn’t think so (not to mention that the way that MVP’s been working, I doubt many folks want to see him twice in one week).

Kingston going over The Miz was the only match I would have inaccurately guessed. Kofi needs to drop that damn strap, and I’ve been bitching for a while now that Miz is the perfect guy to do it. Swagger is fluid enough that he can move up the card without the strap, MVP is busy tagging with Kool-Aid Man, Masters is terrible and Carl Ito can’t stop bitching about not being on PPVs, so why not elevate Miz? On the plus side, they both looked good out there, so whatever.

Legacy beating DX wasn’t much of a shock to me. I figured if they weren’t burying Legacy at SummerSlam once and for all that Cody and Teddy needed to get the win. What I was surprised about was Shawn tapping cleanly. Well, relatively cleanly. In the end, he only tapped when outnumbered and in an insane submission hold that no regular match can possess. Yet again, in true making amends form, Shawn attempted to undo the errors of Montreal by tapping. Will it work? Probably not. On the plus side this progressed what I talked about last month; Legacy getting the job done while Orton falters. Let those seeds of dissention begin to grow.

Kane and Khali was such a disaster and a burial that I thought for sure that there was finally the Great Endeavor. When you consider the fact that this entire thing has been built upon the idea that Khali needs to beat Kane, and then you have Kane go over rather decisively (a clean chokeslam is decisive) AND THEN you have the announcers bury Khali, you assume that he’s gotta be on his way out. What more can they do with this guy other than continue him as a comedy act? Cut your losses, turn Kane face, have him feud endlessly with Mike Knox and let him retire in peace.

Christian and Regal was meh, though the right guy went over. I always thought that the better idea for William Regal was for him to use his foot soldiers to stage a coup and take over ECW, with Regal overthrowing Tiffany as the General Manager. Hopefully now that he’s gone 0 and 2 against Christian, he can move on to that new role. Fingers crossed.

John Cena and Randy Orton was by no means a technical marvel, but for a savage match it served its purpose well. Hell, the welts alone on Cena’s chest made this match work. I figured John was going to win (hell, I called his title run EVERY SINGLE DAMN MONTH), though I questioned the intensity of an “I quit” style match. Orton was a cowardly heel who was sadistic. He wasn’t a truly proud man. He’s a louse and a viper. He could quit today and come back tomorrow even stronger. Oh well, at least having Legacy win and Orton fail makes for what should be an interesting RAW.

Finally, we got the standard Montreal screw-job. Who here DIDN’T see this one coming? Everyone talked about how we’d get the noble Punk pass-out, but I figured any chance of getting CM over as a face was a bad idea. The nice thing about this finish is that it made PERFECT SENSE. Undertaker’s finishing move was banned for a while, and I wasn’t sure how they were going to get around that. Pulling out the Montreal finish was relatively lame, though it adds a whole lot of intrigue to Smackdown, something that can never hurt the product. The only thing that can hurt the product is chicanery on RAW.

Speaking of which…

“If you smell…”

Well, we open with a video package finally. I miss the video packages. We get intersecting footage of Orton’s creepy promo and the insane match itself. Unfortunately, we also get to hear Michael Cole’s “Orton has reached his Breaking Point!”, a phrase used ad nauseum during the whole damn show. It’s times like this that I miss “No Mercy”.

But we all just wanna be, wanna be loved. And no one is more loved than Dave Batista. Assuming everyone is an orthopedic surgeon.

Dave and his ridiculous looking sunglasses are out with a bionic cast and the gayest looking shirt in Batista’s arsenal. As he shakes some fans hands, we see a replay of Legacy Pilmanizing Batista’s arm.

What will the announcement be? The suspense is killing me. Well, not really, but you gotta sell it people. Sell the drama. But, before Batista makes his announcement, he thanks the fans. Aww…he even thanks those of us watching at home. You’re welcome Dave. You’re welcome from everyone who has a DVR and can flip back and forth between this and Monday Night Football.

Batista is out to announce his retirement apparently, which prompts the crowd to finally cheer for him the way they did at Wrestlemania 21. Dave addresses the longstanding rumors of his retirement, which draws out Randy Orton. Well, I guess the retirement announcement was a work. Lawler and Cole feign disgust at Randy coming out to the ring. If I may, I have to side with Randy Orton. He and Cena were in a war, and the next night on RAW the spotlight is on a guy saying his goodbye. It makes sense for a guy like Orton to demand his spotlight.

Randy…Orton…is….not…very…happy…about….losing…the…WWE…title. Ugh, in the time it took him to say that sentence, we could have had an entire Santino match. The only thing making Orton happy is Dave’s retirement. What a sick bastard. Randy says that Dave is retiring because of all the stuff that Orton has done to him. So apparently Randy was the one who injected Batista with roids for years and weakened his muscles so much that every sneeze is a life-and-death situation.

Dave is chuckling, and just now I noticed he has a nose ring. Wow…the gay jokes were apparently all for naught. Meanwhile, in the ring, Batista pulls off the cast and beats the hell out of Orton. Oh, I get it, he Serbian Jew double-bluffed Randy. And he’s going to Smackdown. Wait…what?

Trish Stratus has granted Batista one final match on RAW tonight against Randy Orton. What a swerve!

Tonight Shawn Michaels will take on Ted DiBiase. Not a bad match at all.

Commercial.

We’re back and just in case you forgot what happened three minutes ago, we have a replay.

Lillian Gar-cya welcomes out Trish Stratus. Aw, I miss her. Trist is out there but has brown hair. Well that’s kind of a letdown. Be like if Hogan came back in black trunks or something.

Trish sounds a bit rusty on the microphone, not to mention she seems to have aged a bit. Eh, who cares, she was still probably the best Diva ever. I can overlook her slight confusion. Boy, I hope she didn’t accidentally get one of Jeff Hardy’s leftover pieces of luggage.

Trish is now booking Orton and Cena in a Hell in a Cell match. WOW! I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING! A HELL IN A CELL MATCH ON A PPV CALLED HELL IN A CELL?! INSANE! FTW!

Here comes Kofi Kingston, who comes bounding down to the ring. For a guy who just found out that the WWE has upped the fine for smoking marijuana, he sure seems happy. His partner is…oh come on…Primo. Primo has new and incredibly crappy theme music. Just when you thought he couldn’t suck more donkey balls.

Their first opponent is Jack Swagger, who has the most raw talent. I hate you Cole. I hate Cole more than I hate Jack Swagger’s push-up pyro. Swagger’s partner is The Miz. We get a replay of this exact tag match from Superstars.

Miz and Primo start off and Miz takes a cheap shot at Kingston on the apron. I love that! It’s like playing Smackdown v. Raw on Playstation. I wish more heels did stuff like that.

Swagger is in now and he’s beating on Primo. I have no problem with that. My only fear is that Team Sloppy will injure one of the bright future stars. I’m not going to lie, if Primo winds up being a main event star, I’ll stop watching wrestling. It’s kind of like when the WWE used Steve Austin to get Savio Vega over.

Kinston is in now and is in control of Swagger. By the way, for as much as I’m a fan of Swagger, I gotta say that he’s using too much bronzer. We’re talking carrot orange.

Miz grabbed the US Title belt, which distracted Kofi long enough for Swagger to hit his powerbomb for the finish. We get a shot of Kingston’s bugged out (and noticeably less red) eyes as we head to…

Commercial.

I suddenly feel a bit deflated as Mickie James and her popped boob is out to do commentary.

The next match is a match for the #1 contenders slot. Huzzah. First out is Gail Kim, who I’m pretty sure forgot she was still on the RAW roster. Out next is Alicia Fox, who still can’t get the DJ Gabriel stank off of her.

I can’t wait until Cole calls Gail Kim elastic and then calls the women smart, sexy and powerful. Before he can shill, Mickie acknowledges the time when she and Trish were involved in a feud. And what a feud it was. Where else but in pro wrestling can you get an obsessed lesbian stalker story end with the psycho chick becoming the company’s new sweetheart?

Alicia Fox isn’t looking too bad in the ring with Gail Kim, but quite frankly I wouldn’t have minded this being on the shorter side.

You’ve gotta give it to Gail, she’s trying hard to get the fans to care about this match. However, just like Mickie’s commentary, the crowd sounds disinterested. Alicia Fox hits a kick to the back of Gail Kim’s head and…that’s it? Hmm. Well okay then. On the plus side, it’s a new feud.

Commercial.

Jerry Lawler and Michael “No need for a tie” Cole toss us to a video package replaying all of the times Orton injured Batista.

Meanwhile, in the back, Trish is lighting candles, which summons Beth Phoenix apparently. She’s all pissed that she wasn’t in the last match, but before she can answer a hurricane of awesome blows into the room in the form of Chris Jericho.

Jericho said that Trish is still obsessed with her. Trish said that this is why he seems so angry, though she’s okay with Jericho and Big Show being in love. Wow, this show seems gayer than normal. Beth Phoenix calls out Trish Stratus for retiring, so tonight Jericho and Beth Phoenix will face Trish and a player to be named later. Jericho pops in to say that he’ll fight Bob Barker. Awesome.

We get still shots of the DX/Legacy match followed by Legacy walking in the back towards…

Commercial.

Best of Smackdown DVD pimp.

Legacy is back on cable’s hottest show, which says a lot about cable. Ted DiBiase is being led out by a sleeveless Cody Rhodes as they relish the chance to actually get an entrance. Even better, they have microphones.

Cody asks…well mostly lisps…if we’re ready. Apparently this is the dawning of a new era in the WWE. They made DX tap out, so now they get their own era. Wow, it takes very little to get your own era. Legacy goes through a list of people who never made DX tap out, including The Rock, Steve Austin, the McMahons and Rated RKO, not to mention Techno Tag Team 2000.

Teddy gets on the stick and the crowd is still dead for them. That’s not a good sign when you let them get over on DX and the fans are still indifferent. I’m all for putting over new superstars, but are they really the guys for the jobs?

HBK and HHH are walking as we get another…

Commercial.

DX is out now and they are all super serious in their cowboy hats and camouflage. Teddy and Shawn are going at it and the crowd starts in with a “You Screwed Bret” chant.

Shawn and Teddy are having a nice back and forth but the crowd is so anti-Shawn that it seems counterintuitive to have this match in Canada because they aren’t going to cheer Teddy but they will boo Shawn. To the viewer at home, it seems like the fans just don’t care at all about Teddy. They don’t, but we don’t need to remind the audience.

Teddy is walloping Michaels and NOW an HBK chant starts. Alright Canada, I tried to explain your actions, but apparently I have no idea what’s going on in your maple syrup-saturated minds.

Teddy goes for the Million Dollar Dream but gets launched into the turnbuckle. As this match drags on, show of hands if you think Trish’s mystery partner is gonna be Cena. I thought so.

Hunter is jawing at Teddy, which distracts him long enough to eat two atomic drops. Michaels then scores a some vintage Michaels elbow drop. For some reason HBK reverts back to selling the eye injury. It’s like there was a bag of body parts in the back and Shawn pulled “eye”. Cody grabs Shawn’s leg and that draws the DQ. Hunter is now “exploding on Cody Rhodes”, which again is less gay than it seems. DX and Legacy are battling on the outside until we battle on to…

Commercial.

This show continues with…Honrswoggle. Seriously. Please stop.

Well, here comes Evan Bourne, which means we’re getting what can only be a terrible tag match. Their opponents are Chavo and Carl Ito (accompanied by Eve Torres in a leather dress), so now Carlito is drawn into the suck circle that is Hornswaggle.

Thankfully Chavo and Bourne are in the ring, showing us what RAW could be.

I give up. Crap happens and in the end Hornswoggle hits the tadpole splash to pin Chavo. There’s insulting our intelligence and then there’s really insulting our intelligence. Even Lawler’s lost it when he says that Chavo needs to find a new feud. Get ready Nigel, you could be next.

Chavo has the microphone and gives up. Finally. Mercifully, we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back Josh Matthews and John “Jack Bauer” Cena. Cena mocks Orton for quitting and talks about how he wouldn’t quit. Oh, and apparently at Hell in a Cell we’ll see a more intense John Cena. Then, finally, we get to hear “the champ is here” with the spinny belt.

Trish is out now and…yay. Welcome back Trish’s boobs. And Trish. Trish’s partner turns out to be MVP. MVP makes sense as a 10:30 partner. He isn’t an 11:00 partner anymore. I figured it would be Cena in a low impact match, but he must be hurting.

Speaking of pain, more commercials…

Beth and Jericho come out next and it’s on.

Trish looks tiny compared to Beth Phoenix, so I expect Stratus to sub in for Kelly Kelly as Beth’s prison bitch. Sure enough, Phoenix is woman-handling Stratus until Trish pulls out the old lick her hand and slap the boobie chop. This is followed by the Matrix move. Jericho breaks up the pin but MVP launches Chris outside. Big Show then runs…well “runs” out to get the DQ, and then Mark Hey-Hey-Henry “runs” out to make the save. That was more of a WCW match, folks.

Trish has the microphone and now makes it a 6-person tag match. But first? You guessed it…another

Commercial.

We’re back and I’m glad this thing is still going on. Tonight’s RAW ratio of decent to suck is still on the decent side, so I’m happy.

MVP is now in the ring with Beth Phoenix, and she is slapping Porter. Hey, he might be all white-washed now, but he ain’t gettin’ slapped by no white gal. This draws in Stratus to take Phoenix sown and she and MVP hit the Ballin’ Elbow.

Trish runs into the rope but Big Show takes her out. Henry and Show take each other out on the outside. Trish gets the standing headscissors in the corner and now Stratusfaction for the win.

Dave walks to the ring to…

Commercial.

We’re back and next week Cedric the Entertainer is hosting. Random. The fact that this announcement came after a Popeyes promo was purely coincidental, I’m sure.

Orton is out now looking darker than Cedric.

And here comes the Animal…and I think the audience is already sick of him. Sure enough, Dave keeps his “missing the pyro mark” streak in tact. Also, keep in mind that its 11:00 and they haven’t even locked up yet. How long could this thing possibly go?

Orton and Batista circle but Orton runs out of the ring to grab a chair. Batista follows him out there and just wallops Randy. Batista explodes with a clothesline as Cole uses “explodes” for like the twentieth time tonight.

Orton and Batista battle for a while but Cena comes out to stop Orton from running out of the arena. Cena throws Orton back into the ring in time for Batista to spinebuster him. Thumbs down and powerbomb. Wow, Dave really botched that one. He looks like he almost broke Randy’s back. Somewhere Mister Kennedy…Kennedy is laughing. “Look out Smackdown locker-room.” Yeah Cole, no kidding.

Batista poses and we…are…outta…here…

This has been for your consideration.