Junk News, Huzzah!


Tragic. Foreseeable. Predictable. Despicable. Disgusting. Any number of words can describe what happened last week, but in the end we need to learn to live with what our hero did. We need to remember that he’s just a man, a man entitled to his mistakes. Brett Farvre recently said, “It’s my legacy. I can do with it what I want.” We all follow a path, a path of our own choosing. We can’t change the past, we can only hope that we can make better choices in the future. I hope that for our hero. I hope that for CM Punk, who for whatever reason is currently dating Lita.

I have no explanation for this. Does he like 8 inch clitorises? Does he enjoy manly arms and upper lip hair? He dated MARIA! One of the hottest women in the history of professional wrestling, he got to have sex with her a few times. And where does he move from there? To Dude McCheaterhead. “Boy, I sure liked driving that Porsche. I think I’ll get into that VD covered Corolla now.”

Maybe he has erectile problems? That’s the only way dating Lita would make sense. You can’t have conventional sex with her. Her drooling, gaping vagina prevents that. The only way she gets any sexual pleasure is to be violently fisted for hours on end, usually while the brave male holds a spiked bowling bowl. It then brings her slight joy to see the male punch himself repeatedly in the groin while she licks her vaginal blood off the ball. Then, worst of all, she sings one of her songs in her deep male-ish voice. So that’s sex with Lita.

In the end, we can only hope that this will be a learning experience for CM Punk. We’re willing to give you another chance, but Punk, you can’t let us down again. I think the worst part of all of this is how you claimed to be Straight-Edge. You claimed to never have a sip of alcohol. You ask us to believe you entered the eternal abyss sober? You ask too much of us sir. You ask too much.

Just kidding Lita! We here at Inside Pulse love and respect women, and that kinda includes you. I’m a huge fan of the Luchagors, your “band”.

Kurt Angle was found not guilty of all charges, except the assault charge which he still needs to deal with. Turns out the HGH in his car was properly prescribed to him for his dwarfism.

Kurt Angle broke down crying after the charges were dropped. “I have been completely innocent of any charges that have been brought to me,” Kurt said with tears in his eyes. “God has shown that today and my attorney has proven that in court.” God said, “What? What’d I do now?”

I hope this teaches us all a lesson. We all judged Kurt Angle as a drug addicted psychopath capable of anything. I think he has proven himself to be simply a drug addicted crybaby.

Well, that’s it for the news top stories. Oh! Except Jeff Hardy and his stuff.

So. Jeff Hardy. Kinda sad, but not really. The guy seemed to stay off drugs since his last suspension, I’m sure they were testing him every other day, and then he left the company so he could recover from his injuries and use a bunch of drugs. That’s a personal choice. Then some dickhead told the cops, “Hey! Y’all know that gaybo wrestler Jeff Hardy? He’s got allotta drugs in his trailer.” So the cops raided it. Hopefully those pills were legal, except the cocaine which he shouldn’t be screwing with, and this’ll turn out to be a slap on the wrist. Regardless, this cements his place as a future TNA champion.

Jeff Hardy has abandoned his twitter page and his myspace page. What about his plurk? His facebook? Is his website still up? His linkedin? His livejournal? His fartbot? His hotornot? His JDate? His GayDate? Is the Hardy Show still up? OH GOD, PLEASE LET THE HARDY SHOW STILL BE UP! PLEASE!

He started off on Twitter all, “I will make a statement later” and then deleted it when his lawyer yelled at him. Stop being a pussy and incriminate yourself!

Chris Jericho told us not to judge Jeff Hardy until we walked a mile in his shoes. That’s fair. I’m going to go jump off a ladder through a table landing on the back of my neck. Okay, back! That was easy and not at all painful. Now I’m going to do the same thing every day for a year. Back! Did you know they invent a time machine in a year? It’s pretty cool. Anyway, I’m totally fine. No pain at all. My conclusion is that Jeff Hardy is a big baby who doesn’t need drugs. Defend him now Jericho!

Oh! Batista is coming to Smackdown. Well. So much for enjoying that.

Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan might square off in a series of matches on the Hulkamania Tour. Brought to you by Eric Bischoff, it features all of the desperate, divorced stars of the 80s who need this money. God, do they need this money.

We’ve just gotten the update Wednesday morning… Ric Flair will be a part of the Hulkamania tour in Australia! So yay! You know what I’d love to see? Mid-match, one of them should just start crying and stop wrestling. Just break down sobbing about what they’re still forced to do at this point in their lives, way over 50 and still in their bathing suits pretending to fight for slack jawed idiots. It should be Hulk Hogan who cries! Then Ric Flair can walk over to him, put an arm around his shoulder and say, “When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, you gotta be a man. You can’t run and hide. Hulky, they hurt your friends and they hurt your pride. You need to be a man. You can’t let it slide.”

The two biggest stars of the 80s fighting in small venues for whatever small slice of fame and money they can still raise? Get to writing the theme song Springsteen!

Before we go any further, I want to do something I hardly do: Congratulations to TNA! What a nice week for them going into the PPV. Kurt Angle’s trial went well, no one else got deported, and the police arrested a wrestler who didn’t work for their company last. Granted, their top faces are still obvious steroid users Bobby Lashley and Matt Morgan, but still, what a nice week for them.

Well, my hatred of Tyler Reks has grown: “Apparently it takes a minimum of two chihuahuas to pull me on a skateboard.” 6:01 AM Sep 11th. So on the day when everything change, a day supposed to be dedicated to the solemn remembrance of those brave businessmen and fireman and police officers and pilots and US Government officials who died in the horrific attack on our country, Tyler Reks, wrestling surfer, was forcing tiny little dogs to pull his douchebag dreadlocked ass around on a skateboard? Tyler Reks, I hope Chihuahuas bite your balls off and eat them in front of you as you bleed to death. You terrorist sympathizer. Go back to Iran!

Okay! Let’s spoil Smackdown and get this posted early.

The show begins with Batista coming to the ring and cutting a promo. “It’s great to be back on Smackdown. I’ve been watching and enjoying this show for months now. I can’t wait to pin John Morrison in a 3 minute squash. I can’t wait to be attacked by all of these heels who have been built up and throw them all out of the ring while I no-sell their offense. Finally, I can’t wait till either the Undertaker or myself wins the world title and we headline the next 6 pay per views with terrible matches against one another.” Then Chris Jericho came out and got all mouthy, so Tista SPINE BUSTED HIS ASS! YEAH! BATISTA IS BACK!

John Morrison then fought Mike Knox while Dolph Ziggler did commentary. The moment of the night comes when all three men stop fighting, look at one another and start laughing. I mean, they all look so ridiculous! You wouldn’t look like any of them in real life. Knox has this giant beard! Who has a beard like that? No one! It’s all so silly.

Scott Armstrong and Teddy Long give promos about how they screwed over the Undertaker so they could keep their jobs. So Vince McMahon is secret villain behind it all! You know what would have been more effective than this? If when Scott Armstrong was asked why he cheated the Undertaker, he responded, “What? The Undertaker gave up in the middle of the ring! I heard him scream, it sounded like a little girl in pain. I did what I had to to protect the Undertaker from them mighty anaconda vice. Also, Vince McMahon said that if the Undertaker lays a finger on me or Teddy Long, he’ll be suspended for a year.” Then Teddy Long can come out and be all apologetic, instead of getting into yet another of the Undertaker’s limos. Oh, that happens again. Undertaker drives off in Teddy Long’s limo. It looks super lame.

CM Punk cuts a promo on the fans about straight edge and the Undertaker and stuff. He should begin every promo with, “I crawled out of Lita’s cavernous vagina to say…”

Melina fought Michelle McCool in a non-titty match! Get it? Cause Michelle McCool has small boobs. Melina has nice ones though. Don’t get me wrong. They’re both very beautiful. And classy. While I’ve read the Michelle McCool is very nice and Melina is perceived as a bit of a bitchy diva, I bet if you got to know Melina you’d like her more. I remember this one time I was watching them on tv and they both turned to the screen and beckoned for me to join them, so I did. Oh what fun we had. We went to this art gallery and we had wine and cheese and looked at art. I had so much fun, I stayed there forever. I’m still there today, in the art gallery with Melina and Michelle McCool. Forever looking at art.

The Hart Dynasty fights Cryme Tyme… who did Cryme Tyme piss off? I was really enjoying their little push. JTG turned out to be a hell of a wrestler. He got a singles win over Chris Jericho. I know everyone is beating Chris Jericho these days, but that could have been big for him. Eh. I sound more invested than I actually am. There are no African Americans or Africans anywhere near the top of the card these days. Batista is as close as you’re getting.

The Great Khali is sent back to India by Kane and R-Truth is sent back to jail by Drew McIntyre. I think R-Truth is slightly luckier. Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire? They have to swim through sewage to meet movie stars!

Batista faces Chris Jericho in the main event… wow. This looks like a really bad episode of Smackdown. 1 week back and Batista has ruined my favorite wrestling show. You know, you make jokes, but it doesn’t really hit you till it happens. Sigh.

Comment below, but not if you have something negative to say. I’m a delicate flower.

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