For Your Consideration…RAW is Entertaining (Fingers Crossed)

For Your Consideration…RAW is Entertaining (Fingers Crossed)

Hello and welcome to the (several hours late) For Your Consideration RAW recap/column/general spewing of misery. So, since this is already behind schedule, I don’t wanna waste time with all the inane patter that I usually put here about the “real world”, so I’ll just move right on to my shameless Twitter plug (you can follow Andrew Wheeler and get all the latest on “For Your Consideration” at twitter.com/awheeler316. Act now and Andrew will even give you a special @ shout-out…just like Jeremy Borash – only way less embarrassing). Also, a happy and a healthy new year to all of my fellow tribesmen.

I wanna touch on a few of the things going around the interweb community for a minute, so stick with me…

Jeff Hardy:

I let this one sit for a week because quite frankly everyone and their mother jumped in with their immediate knee-jerk reactions. The ‘net fans generally reacted with smarky anger while the members of the real wrestling world fell back on the “let it all play out” and “you can’t judge him, you don’t know his life” responses.

My quick thoughts on this aren’t going to be particularly original, though I am hoping for a slight legal bent. First and foremost, fuck Jeff Hardy. I am sick and tired of anyone that is a Hardy apologist at this point. Jeff Hardy’s last run will now be remembered like Jake the Snake’s last run; a poignant story about a recovering addict who sought redemption only for us to find out that in real life it was complete bullshit. To say that Hardy let down his fans is an understatement. I refuse to buy the nonsense that these guys are not at all role models for children. You cannot put on a TV-PG show aimed at kids and say that these impressionable little bastards aren’t going to idolize the stars. As smarmy ‘net folks, we tended to chuckle as Punk was made the heel for promoting a drug-free life. Now? We kinda all see the danger in the angle that was just run. Jeff Hardy’s “live for the moment” crap was created to excuse his reckless behavior. My concern is not for Jeff’s personal wellbeing. Do I care if he gets clean? Not at all. In fact, I tend to believe that drugs are a great Darwinian equalizer. Those people out there doing enough drugs to kill themselves deserve exactly what they get. Is that insensitive? Not at all. No one was forcing Jeff to take the quantities he was taking, and anyone that thinks he was in possession of that much and honestly believes it was all for him is naïve. No, I take that back. Someone like Jeff is dumb enough to use that much crap.

What I’m upset about is the black eye that this puts on a sport that, if you tallied the amount of blemishes it already has, you’d call Children and Family Services and report gross abuse. At this point, it’s cliché to bring up Benoit, so I won’t. It’s not worth it, and he has become like referencing Hitler whenever you want to compare the evils that someone commits. I will, however, bring up just the recent crop of morons. Rey Mysterio, who of all people knows better than to use poisons, got busted for another Wellness Violation. Another one! His excuse that a legitimate doctor would give him something that was a banned substance is the same Sgt. Shultz (I know nothing…) defense used by every fraud athlete in baseball. Then there’s Kurt Angle, who got cleared of the charges against him for drugs (though the assault charges stand…or the other way around, I’m too lazy to check). Why would they clear him of one and not the other? Because I’m sure he was offered a deal to drop one, plead out the other and go about his business. That not withstanding, his actions of aggravated stalking combined with drug possession paints him into a very dark corner with the average viewer.

My anger, and quite frankly, your anger, should come from the risk of alienation this causes for the fans. We are all quick to point fingers at Shawn Michaels for his erratic behavior in the mid-90’s, complete with having his title stripped off of him, but he’s cleaned himself up and right now is a model citizen (sure, he’s a guy who can pretty much write his own ticket, but still, you take what you can get). The loss of Hardy and Mysterio over the course of two weeks will do nothing but erode the fan base. I was wary for months about the WWE yet again pushing Jeff, and for that they have proven that they are complete morons. Jeff Hardy began to take over as the top face of the company at a time when no one internally knew whether or not he was going to stick around. For the past several months, the company did the equivalent of putting Bret Hart over Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series 97. Thankfully at that show they came to their senses. Here? They put the damn strap on Jeff about a month before his departure. The company got kids, a fickle group, to finally latch onto a star that adults could tolerate (well, some adults). They got kids to tune in to Smackdown, buy tickets to shows and even drape themselves from head to toe in merchandise. Now, with the loss of Hardy, where are they going to turn? Undertaker? Does the WWE really want to fall back into the position of relying on a 40-something guy with a deteriorating body to carry the banner for the youth?

Jeff Hardy’s actions were selfish, sure, but they were bad for the WWE. I’m pissed at Vince for not coming to his senses sooner, and hopefully this will be the final straw. Jeff has no desire to clean up his act. Even worse, since he’s a first time offender, they’ll probably waive most of the charges and he’ll enter a bogus rehab facility. Hell, they could give him some token jail time, which sure as hell won’t break his vicious cycle. Jeff Hardy should be hated by wrestling fans not because of what he did to himself, but for how badly he has damaged the wrestling community. Like it or not, we need young fans to become hooked and stay hooked, or else our so-called WWE Universe is going to implode.

So what I’m saying is maybe Hornswoggle isn’t the anit-Christ after all.

TNA:

I’ll keep this one brief, because hating on TNA is like eating when you’re hungry; it just comes to you naturally.

TNA dropping Jim Cornette seems like a terrible idea, but maybe it wasn’t. Getting rid of the vocal minority will only bring them success. I mean, it worked for George W. Bush, right?

Seriously, having a wealth of wrestling knowledge and not using it is another criminal example of what’s wrong with this company. Sure, when Russo was writing for the WWE, he was the guy going right into Vince’s ear. But what we tend to overlook is that Patterson and Briscoe were right there as well, creating a healthy balance. Now, without the loud conscientious objector, Russo and his returning writing buddy Eddie Oklahoma can let their crazy flag fly. Basically look for Bobby Lashley to adopt a Tarzan outfit and be accompanied by So-Cal Val in a loincloth, AJ Styles to grow a goatee and become his evil twin PJ Styles and Kurt Angle to claim that he built a time machine and is really the Angle from 1996. You know, on second thought, posting these ideas on line might get back to them, which might damage the TNA product. Who am I kidding, nothing could really damage the product any more than it already has, right?

On the plus side, TNA has put the belt on Styles, and maybe, just maybe, they will attempt to focus on the roster they have in front of them. I personally would love TNA to fold and for Vince to sweep in and pick up the pieces. Those pieces, by the way, would be Styles, Joe, Machine Guns and Daniels (a guy I should have mentioned earlier for his penchant for getting caught driving while drunk). I also wouldn’t mind finally seeing that Sting/Undertaker one-off. Alas, these are all topics for a full-on column, which I might finally get to someday. Someday.

Until then…

“Andre the Giant…”

A limo is pulling up with generic “hip hop” music, so I guess our guest GM is on time. Well, it’s not like Cedric the Entertainer had much else to fill his time with, unless I missed something and they’re making another “Barbershop” movie. Sure enough, it’s Cedric, his entourage and the Bella twins. Why the hell are they paying these gals?

Oh, we’re getting shtick as he first pulls out his boys from the limo and then football players in gear. And of course, an old woman. Because old women having sex is HILARIOUS and ORIGINAL. They also pull out a rabbi circumcising a baby, which is a complete rip-off from a great SNL skit. After the rabbi, we get a farmer and a goat. Guess Hillbilly Jim was booked. It’s gonna be a long night of “comedy” folks.

Pyro, ballyhoo and swirling cameras. RAW is live in Little Rock as Cole and Lawler point out that the fun has already started. Speaking of fun and original, here comes DX. Cole and Lawler start doing their DX philatio act.

Apparently Hunter is curtain-jerking tonight, which makes me thing he’ll be main eventing the next several PPVs and wants to point to this and go, “Look, I wrestled at the bottom of the card too!”

About 85% of me is hoping they use this as the farewell to Lillian Garcia and DX just openly mocks her. She’s terrible and I don’t buy the stories about the company making her look bad. Next thing you know, it’ll be reported that the company was behind why Abraham Washington sucks donkey balls.

Hunter and Shawn hype Hell in a Hell PPV where there will be…a…hell…in…a…cell. Hunter asks who was in the first Hell in a Cell, which we know was Shawn. Hell, he won the damn thing. “That’s gotta be…that’s gotta be Kane!” is still the best call ever by Vince. That should be a ringtone. Hunter then reminds us that he’s won 5 HIAC matches. Then we find out that Legacy has never been in a Hell in a Cell match. Shocking stuff. Yeah well they were never in a hog pen match and I’m pretty sure they’d win that.

Hunter and Shawn elaborately spell out the fact that since they’ve never been in a HIAC before, they are gonna lose here. What does that mean? Save your money folks, because DX is gonna win. Oh, and unlike Vince who they like (because on RAW he’s a face, but on Smackdown he’s a heel), they don’t like Cody and Ted. We’re gonna get destruction, carnage and beatings live on PPV! Also, Hunter has announced this match as the blow-off for the feud, which means TWICE in one promo we give away the ending.

Teddy and Cody are out next, and since Cody is shirtless, I’m guessing either he’s competing or he was just in the tanning bed in the back and forgot to get dressed. What I don’t get is that if this is in fact a bloodfeud, why would DX let Legacy come in the ring and pose? Why not just jump them and let this turn into a brawl? Civility and HIAC don’t go together. Kinda like Mark Henry and main event push.

Cody is hammering away with weak offense until he gets launched into the ring post as Cole tells us that Hunter won the title 13 times. Yeah Cole, but that means he lost 13 times too, so take that! Hunter pulls out the crossfacce but Cody gets to the ropes. Legacy confer on the outside and Hunter actually hits a dropkick!

The production folks are so shocked that we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Cody is in control of Triple H. Legacy is apparently really confident because they made DX submit. Why then have they not gotten any kind of push? The WWE should have had them squash other teams to build up to HIAC instead of having us see DX and Legacy work against each other for the next several weeks? Throw MVP and Henry out there and let Legacy beat them. Then have DX squash the Hart Dynasty. Seeing these guys work in various combinations is repetitive and the exact reason the audience tends to tune out.

Hunter is now making his 13th comeback of the match before Cody get dumped to the outside…again. Shawn gets bitchslapped and the chase is on before Shawn takes out Teddy. Then, through shenanigans he gets dropped onto the announce table and hit with the High-Low. Cody goes in but gets set up for a Pedigree only to be hit by a chair with Teddy. Ah, Legacy laying out DX in segment two…I wonder if DX will get revenge tonight? Hmm…

Legacy is now looking to Pilmanize Hunter’s neck but Shawn gets a sledgehammer and the heels bolt. The wounded and weary Shawn, looking like his hero Heyzeus Christo, stands over the fallen heir to the McFortune. DX then embrace in a man-hug as we go to…

Commercial.

We return with a Hell in a Cell promo for Cena and Orton. Isn’t it ironic that Cena said we’d see a different side of him and the official song of the month has lyrics about “a different side”? Either the WWE is really lucky or…dare I say it…this might be not 100% legitimate?

Lillian Gar-cya in a dress made out of nickels brings out Cedric the Entertainer. You can’t give yourself a nickname. Watch as WWE latches onto this and we suddenly get Chris Masters the Main Event Guy Who Doesn’t Suck.

Cedric gets the name of the show right and he promises that this is gonna be off the chain. Cedric is apparently a real WWE fan and loves The Raw. Cedric goes into Abraham Washington territory when he says that Big Show drives a Prius. He then moves onto a bit about 3rd Generation starts. They throw up a split-screen of Randy and Bob Orton, Legacy and Dusty and Teddy, the illegitimate son of Bundy and Giant, Big Show. They then steal my joke and compare Henry to Kool-Aid Man! We see a jackass and Miz. We almost get out of this segment but then Santino Marella comes out.

In hilarity, he calls him Fredrick the Entertainer. Because that’s SO not his name. We get a pimp for Cedric’s new DVD and now we’re getting Santino stand-up comedy. Wow, Cedric called him the Milan Miracle, which was a shocking moment of continuity. Then, Marella starts telling bad jokes. You know, because he isn’t a comedian. Cedric interrupts him for a Kanye joke. Timely.

Oh crap, here comes Chavo. Please don’t make him wrestle a midget. Please. Cedric then earns my hatred by putting over the Hornswoggle angle. Chavo finally realized that the Guest GM’s is why he keeps losing. Chavo then calls the guest host deal pathetic. Cedric then brings up the Bob Barker karate chop from last week, which is great considering that was TWO weeks ago.

Chavo challenges Cedric the Entertainer to a match. His microphone then cuts out, and if you listen closely you can hear an audio guy killing himself. Cedric then pimps his movie and movie website but Chavo demands a Chavo/Cedric match. Santino books the match for Cedric and mercifully this segment is over.

We get a replay of Miz stealing the US Title and Swagger pinning Kingston. Hopefully this will allow Kofi to show us that he has some kind of personality. Any kind of personality.

Josh Matthews is in the back with The Miz and Kofi’s title. Miz said that he acts more like a champ than Kofi, and you can’t really argue. Folks, this guy is starting to look like a star. Miz goes on a racist rant about how Kofi floated to this country with a Bob Marley CD but Kofi jumps him with a weak forearm to get his title back. Finally, for the first time in WWE history, someone was actually WATCHING the program and knew where their opponent was. In fact, Kofi’s nonchalant “Hey Josh” after taking the title was more character development than he’s had in months.

Commercial.

We have a HIAC contract signing tonight, which should be thrilling. Thankfully, we get someone legitimately thrilling as Evan Bourne is out. Hopefully the WWE will stop jobbing him out to everyone. Oh wait, his opponent is The Miz, so I guess he’s getting pinned.

Miz is still selling his lame beat-down from moments ago, and his trunks are starting to have a better design. Even so, they are nowhere near as cool as his jean shorts. Yep, I just used “jean shorts” and “cool” in the same sentence.

Well, we know Bourne is great in the ring, and at Breaking Point Miz showed us he can go, so maybe this will be entertaining. Cha, right, and monkeys might fly outta my butt.

Bourne explodes out of the corner with a dropkick, only to be bounced onto the floor. This kid sells everything like he’s being shot. Miz starts to get going before immediately locking in a resthold. That’s a shame. To all of the fans in Guatemala, this Thursday you can see RAW live. So that should make up for your economic ruin.

Bourne gets a quick roll-up for two, but Miz hits a neckbreaker followed by some kicks to the head. See folks, this is the kind of match that RAW needs to have on a more consistent basis. We opened RAW with DX nonsense, which is great because you reward your 9pm audience. Then, your 10pm main event is probably going to be Cedric/Chavo, which is mildly noteworthy and hopefully short, though I hoped that Kingston/Swagger would have been the 10pm spotlight. Finally, the main event will be the contract signing nonsense.

Yes, I was able to type that all during yet another resthold. Bourne now breaks free and hits some kicks only to eat the impressive corner clothesline. That thing always looks killer. Miz goes up top but Bourne breaks it up. Guess Miz is going to be the 21st Century Flair. Bourne now going for the Shooting Star Press, but Miz misses and hit’s the SCF for the win. Hey, that was a nice little match. I just hope that the WWE doesn’t forget about Bourne like they did with Paul London. And Jamie Noble. And Jimmy Yang. And Brian Kendrick (the WWE got to keep the “the”).

We replay the finish and then go to the back with Orton and Legacy. Randy says that he wants Legacy to have the night off. Orton says that this is just a contract signing and that he’s got this, which means he’ll jump Cena all by himself. And, in a pleasant surprise, that’s next.

Commercial.

Our official song is “Monster” by Skillet, so clearly people are still naming their bands while eating at Denny’s.

Lawler is in the ring to emcee the contract singing, and first up is a slightly less baby oiled Randy Orton. His slow walks allows us to relive him jobbing to Batista last Monday. John Cena is out next, and I will point out that this is the second week in a row he hasn’t been in full competition. He must be hurt. Either way, the less you see of him wresting the better. I like the notion of saving your bigger stars for PPVs and one or two RAWs. Hell, go back and read Scott Keith’s Smark Raw recaps from 93. You got plenty of IRS and Adam Bomb and not a lot of Bret Hart.

We see the copyright logo as Lawler asks for decorum. Oh, and there’s a no physicality rule. Cena perks up at the mention of Stratus, and we learn the stipulations. Either Randy Orton faces John Cena in Hell in a Cell or he can forfeit his rematch. Please let him sign it and not talk. Hey, I got lucky! He signed it and didn’t ta…oh wait, he has the microphone.

Orton demands that Lawler leave, and Mayor Jerry vanishes. Orton says that Cena thinks he knows him, so I guess Randy’s been cribbing from Edge. He’ll do whatever it takes to win, and reminds us that Cena’s never been in Hell in a Cell. He’ll never…eeeeevvverrr…be the same again. Thanks Randy Jericho.

Cena gets up with all of his intensity and then admits that he tuned out Orton. We get a replay of Orton tapping over and over again. Cena then says that Orton is boring and repetitive. No, John, not at all. The hilarity continues as Cena feigns surrendering the title and then signs the contract. Oh, apparently signing the contract was the funny part. Then, on top of everything, this is Orton’s last chance. And that Orton is a dude in his underwear who hangs out with dudes in their underwear. Yeah, no kidding.

Cena promises to destroy Randy Orton, so I guess what he’s going to do is release all of those buried Wellness Violations. Orton then talks about how he wants to RKO Cena, but legally he can’t do that. Zuh? Randy then says that Cena’s arrogance is why the fans hate him. Orton then promises to bring out two individuals who want a piece of Cena.

Well…it’s JeriShow. So now they’re stooges for Randy Orton? How the hell does that make sense? Instead of feuding with a tag team, they’re feuding with Batista and Cena. Yah, that makes sense. Then, in what turns into a “Smackdown v. RAW” challenge for PS3, JeriShow has to beat down Cena. John tries to fight his way out, but he’s overpowered by the tag champions of the world. MVP and Hey-Hey-Henry make the save, as my eyes burn from the red of their suits merging with the red carpet.

Cedric the Pretaped Entertainer books a six-man tag. That, apparently, is what he’s talking about.

Commercial.

We get an ECW promo with Zach Ryder as the #1 Contender. Wow, a logically written show with a young star getting a shot at the title? Crazy enough to work.

Speaking of things that kinda work sometimes, we get a replay of Alicia Fox beating Gail Kim. Wow, TNA sucks even on RAW.

Alicia Fox is sitting ringside and out comes that gal with the jaunty hat and the half-boob. Her opponent is Beth Phoenix.

Mickie and Beth do the standard diva shenanigans as Mickie dumps Beth to the outside. Then in an original moment, Mickie hits a Thez Press off the top rope onto Beth on the outside. Fox distracts Half-Boob so that Beth can take over and hits what should be called the Real Implant Buster for the quick win. Alicia now has the Diva’s title and then scissors Mickie. Wait, she scissor kicks Mickie.

Still to come tonight, a former world champion competes with the star of Code Name: The Cleaner.

Commercial.

Tomorrow Night on ECW: Zach Ryder versus Christian for the ECW Title.

And here comes Kofi Kingston, who stole back his belt. Yes, there’s a cheap joke about a black guy stealing back his stuff from a white guy, but we don’t need to go there. Out next is Jack Swagger, who is keeping the lame push-up pyro for good.

Cole reads off a list of people who held the title as Swagger out-wrestles Kofi. Apparently he’s been a great champion according to Lawler, as Cole finally gets a chance tonight to use the word scintillating. Jesus, Kofi just ate one hell of a boot. Oh wait, here comes The Miz and he stole the title again. Jack Swagger runs outside and levels The Miz only to steal the title for himself. It’s a white midcard crime spree. Kingston got robbed, and we got robbed of a good match.

Lawler and Tie-Wearing Cole replay the Cedric the Entertainer entrance from the limo that wasn’t that funny to begin with.

Commercial.

Did you know of the week: Did you know Chavo Guerrero was once a respected professional wrestler?

Chavo is out now promising to beat the onetime Fox Network star. The special guest referee tonight is…Santino Marella! What a swerve! That wasn’t on my programming sheet! That’s almost like a qualifying referee.

Hey, I don’t get it, I thought our referees were supposed to be anonymous. Cedric the Entertainer comes out dressed like Jerry Lawler and accompanied by the Bella Twins. Chavo over-sells the hilarity of the match. Cedric then pulls out a mask and then puts his hat back on.

We get some stalling followed by more stalling. Chavo takes off Cedric’s hat and stomps it, but Cedric rolls to the outside. What the hell is going on? Cedric goes under the ring and the fans finally start to turn on this segment. Chavo is waiting for Cedric on the other side, and as he pulls open the apron, another large black guy in the same costume as Cedric emerges. Not that I’m saying they all look alike or anything.

The giant black guy who certainly isn’t Cedric tosses Chavo into the ring as Cole yells Shazam. “We don’t wanna mess with no reefer addicts.” Masked Black Dude wallops Chavo for a bit, but then a midget in the same get-up hits a frog splash and finally Cedric emerges from under the ring to get the pin to end what might have been the second longest match on tonight’s show.

All three Cedrics dance as we go to…

Commerical.

Next week’s guest host is Reverend Al Sharpton. Seriously. Al Sharpton. Guest host.

We pimp HIAC before going back to see Cedric trying to nail Kelly Kelly. Sorry sir, Piven already beat you to that. And Test. Don’t forget that she screwed Test.

Jericho shows up in the back and apparently needs to talk. He no-sells him and goes back to Kelly. Then Big Show says they need to talk, and now he wants to talk.

Jerry Lawler has the microphone and sounds all emotional, so I guess it’s the send-off for Lillian Gar-cya. Sure enough, we’re sending her off tastefully. That’s a shame. I wish we could see a shot of her getting knocked off the apron by Charlie Haas. That’s embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as her CD, but pretty damn embarrassing.

Commercial.

Smackdown’s main event is gonna be Big Show/Batista.

Speaking of Big Show, he is standing in the ring with Jericho and Orton. Chris has the microphone and he reminds Orton that JeriShow hates Cena. Apparently if JeriShow loses, Orton has to face Cena and MVP/Henry in a 3-on-1 match. But, if they win, Cena’s got a 3-on-1. Ah, I see said the blind man to the deaf dog.

Cena’s out as we go to a rare 10:55 commercial.

Everyone’s out now and Cena and Jericho are going at it. Good thing we took all that time for the Cedric the Entertainer stuff, because we wouldn’t want to give this match any opportunity to get going.

Orton and Cena are in the ring now, giving us exactly what I hoped we wouldn’t see…more Cena/Orton for free. Try to make this stuff special guy, please. Jericho is in now and he’s continuing to beat down Cena long enough to tag Orton back in. Cena finally tags in MVP so that MVP can beat down Jericho. This stuff is pretty yawn inducing.

We get the ballin’ elbow for two because that move never, ever finishes a match. Cole screws up and says the name of the referee, so expect forty lashes with a whip. Big Show is in now beating on Porter as the crowd, in an attempt to stay awake, chants for MVP. Orton is brought back in and Cole finally gets to call him a viper. All he needed was Gail Kim out and for him to call her elastic and his night would have been complete.

So Porter is getting beaten by Jericho as the seconds tick away, though quite frankly there is no actual drama here. Yes, the loser of this match fights in a gauntlet match, but that’s not until NEXT Monday. So at best, our excitement tonight is to see a gauntlet match next week, and those aren’t usually that great.

Orton stops MVP from tagging in Henry, so thanks Randy. On the other hand, this means the match will continue. Randy starts his standard Garvin Stomp and it sounds like the crowd is actually chanting “Rocky”.

Apparently MVP tagged Mark Henry, so here comes Kool Aid Man. Henry takes out Jericho and Orton as Cena dumps Show to the outside but Orton hits an RKO on Henry for the pin.

So tune in next week for Cena to pin Jericho and Big Show only to lose to Randy Orton. Whoops, hope I didn’t ruin that ending for anyone.

This has been for your consideration.

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