There is NOTHING in the news this week. Just nothing. I started writing a rant about how I was a meaner writer now cause my life sucked so bad, but no wants to read that crap and it started to hurt my stomach to write it. I read Monday’s spoilers for TNA and the show looked so bad I almost fell asleep just reading about it. I read the spoilers for Smackdown and nothing special happens. After weeks filled with trials and arrests and that horrible thing that Tyler Reks did to that poor Filipino ladyboy and deportations, we have hit my first snag since I once again started writing this dumb column: There is no news.
This leaves us with a bit of an ethical quandary. Should I ditch my unpaid responsibilities, instead masturbating and going to do my crappy job while my 19 faithful readers wait patiently for my lazily written jokes about wrestling? Should I dutifully post the TNA spoilers and the Smackdown spoilers with my usual ‘witty’ commentary? Shall I once again make up some stuff about Tyler Reks or even better, insult a young woman I’ve never met for 4 paragraphs? What do I owe you in this social contract? What do you expect of me?
I mean, SOOOOOO much happened at the first TNA tapings and the fun continued at the second. How about I mute that loud, intrusive video game ad that my column is apparently sponsored by and once again drag up the crappy TNA spoilers written by old timey Inside Pulse reporter Iain Burnside. Iain is a Libra who enjoys long walks on the beach with your fat, ugly mom. He also has an extra I in his name.
Main Event Mafia begins the first show by coming out and bitching about how the worst wrestler in the world and the reason I don’t watch TNA, Matt Morgan, cost him the world title at the terrible PPV. Angle whines like a little bitch and then Eric Young and the World Elite come out and make Angle promise to have the Mafia beat up Hernandez. Angle promises to roid up and steal Hernadez’s car and stalk Hernandez at a Starbucks. Angle isn’t worried about getting arrested because there is no justice for minorities in this country, and a rich white man can do whatever he wants to a poor black woman or a Latino man without consequences. Make no mistake, Kurt Angle belongs in jail for what he did, and he should have been suspended by TNA for being caught with HGH. But it’s okay because he had a 3 year old prescription for it. What a joke Dixie Carter is. It would be different if they put on a watchable show, but nope. OH! They brought in Ed Ferrara and probably promoted Vince Russo. Yay. TNA is saved. Saved by the team that brought us the worst run of WCW of all time. Come on Ed! What’s the harm in it now? Break out Oklahoma! We want Oklahoma you piece of garbage.
Sheik Abdul Bashir! Aren’t you supposed to be a terrorist? Shouldn’t you have blown up the Impact Zone by now? Get your act together.
Suicide fights The Pope again. I know how you feel Pope. I’ve been fighting Suicide lately. The best thing to do is keep yourself busy and try not to think about the past and you’ll be just fine.
Rhino fights D-Von to a no contest. They bust each other open, have a real physical match and then Bubba runs out and says all three of them should work together to create a hole of suck. Remember when TNA was going to finally be the company to exploit Rhino’s potential? How’d that work out Rhino? You joke. You nothing. You work as a mid-card wrestler for the worst professional wrestling company of all time. How proud you must feel.
Mick Foley begins a series of vignettes about someone who stole his trading card. These vignettes include pretty much the only performer I care about on the show, Alex Shelley. I’m pretty sure it’s the only time he’s shown on tv in the 4 hours they filmed this week. In yet another parallel to WCW, this is exactly what they did with Chris Jericho. They are wasting Alex Shelley, costing the company and him money for absolutely no good reason. He probably didn’t shake Kurt Angle’s hand and Kurt went all Undertaker on him. Just ridiculous, petty and unentertaining.
AJ Styles challenges Sting to a title match at Bound for Glory. Oh good. Another main event with Sting. Finally, TNA responds to what the fans have been clamoring for: Sting. I hope he gives another one of his game show promos. Come on Bashir! Blow the arena up! What are you, a pussy? Do you not adhere to your beliefs? DO IT!
Sarita and Taylor Wilde defend their soon to be phased out Knockout’s Tag Team title versus ODB and Tara. I don’t love how WWE runs its women’s division, but I get the thinking behind it: If the girls aren’t going to be the best wrestlers on the planet, they might as well be way beyond average in the looks department.
More stupidity with fat Mick Foley. God, I’ve ballooned in the past few years. I almost resemble Mick. But I have better knees and less injuries than him, so I would probably be a more convincing threat than him.
Samoa Joe defends his title against Daniels and Homicide. That looks okay, but I heard the X-Division match at the PPV was terrible and that Joe has become a shell of his former self.
The World Elite and Main Event Mafia EXPLODE when Kurt Angle throws Eric Young in front of a Matt Morgan bicycle kick. Matt Morgan is absolutely the worst. Just the worst. It’s not completely his fault. Who is in TNA to teach him the correct way a big man should wrestle? Abyss? Kevin Nash? The man has no one to learn from. He’s just so boring and terrible.
Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin appear on tv at this point to earn their per diem.
THE BOSS Bobby Lashley fights THE HOSS Jethro Holiday. They should stop letting Bobby Lashley come up with his own nicknames. Here are some suggestions:
The Black Lesnar.
The Higher Pitched Mike Tyson.
The Awful Wrestler.
Those are enough. Mick Foley turned on Abyss in the main event, beating him with a barbed wire bat! Why, another heel turn for Foley in the course of a few months?!?!?! Welcome back Ferrara and Russo!
Wasn’t that fun? If nothing else, we’ll get through the second week of tapings quicker.
Scotty Goldman defeated a Puma in the dark match. I’d be more impressed if it was the animal, but impressed if it was the shoe.
Abyss demands an explanation from Mick Foley. Mick Foley calls Abyss a wannabe Mick Foley. “No,†replies Abyss. “I’m not nearly as fat or successful. Also, when I retire, I won’t come back 80 times.â€
Amazing Red beat 5 or 6 other X-Division guys to win a title shot. No Alex Shelley though. No Chris Sabin TNA sucks ass.
Oh! But great news! They don’t have my favorite wrestler in a match, but they have Dr. Stevie vs. Kevin Nash. We can finally blow off that feud. No more worrying about that.
AND THEN HEMME VS. BROOKS! OH MY GOD! Did TNA read my diary? By the way, I’ve seen the nude Traci Brooks photos. Definite meh.
And they follow that 4 star classic with ODB fighting Awesome Kong, which is rudely interrupted by Tara. She probably does stuff with her spider.
Hernandez vs. Kurt Angle is interrupted by the super crappy World Elite who beat up both men. The Main Event Mafia makes the save. So we have Matt Morgan fighting Angle at the PPV but he’s caught up in this World Elite silliness with Hernandez for some… forget it. TNA is retarded.
Lacey Von Erich joins The Beautiful People. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay,
Matt Morgan fights Eric Young. Kurt Angle, dressed as Abyss, hits Matt Morgan with a chair and then attacks Eric Young. Then everyone attacks everyone.
Samoa Joe attacks Bobby Lashley after what I’m sure is just an awful, awful match cause Bobby Lashley is terrible and an obvious steroid user.
Let’s spoiler Smackdown quick and get on with the joy of living.
Cm Punk cuts a promo. Undertaker comes out with druids. Druids let Teddy Long out of a coffin. Teddy makes some matches in the Undertaker’s favor including at Hell in a Cell. It all looks very childish.
Morrison and Finlay fight Dolph Ziggler and Mike Knox in the 80th variation of that match. Knox keeps losing. I think he’ll fit in nicely in TNA.
Slam Master J fights Kane after he is caught spray painting Teddy Long’s office. Represent Slam Master. Is his winning move a slam? It should be.
Jericho and Big Show beat down Batista, who challenges them to a match with his partner Roid Mysterioid.
DH Smith fights JTG, Vince meets with CM Punk, and Punk defeats Undertaker by count-out. Don’t worry though, it’s probably all very one sided and Undertaker gets back the heat he lost at the end of the match.
Hope you have a cheery week! See you in 7 days with more hard hitting professional wrestling jokes and commentary
