For Your Consideration…Are You Ready for Some Heavy-handed Football References?

For Your Consideration…Are You Ready for Some Heavy-handed Football References?

So Hell in a Cell was last night, and I’m sure everyone and their mother has read all of the post-show fallout, so I’ll spare you the standard rehash. All I will say is that while the matches tended to deliver (with the notable exception of the women’s match and the odd R-Truth debacle…seriously, could that NOT wait for Superstars?), the storylines didn’t.

First, there’s the Punk match. Am I one of those bitter smark fans annoyed that Punk lost the title? Not really. While I have grown to have a healthy appreciation for the old ROH stuff (thanks a lot Glazer), I was never a ROHbot, so I’m not outraged because of that. Also, I don’t really buy into the whole idea that he needed to have a message sent to him about not wearing the right pair of slacks. Yes, Vince has weird rules, but at the end of the day, he isn’t about to take away someone making him money because the guy refused to throw on a blazer. I’m annoyed because storyline-wise, it didn’t make much sense.

You really cannot feel that the Undertaker/Punk feud came to a satisfying conclusion, and we all know that the purpose of the Hell in a Cell is to create satisfying conclusions to bloodfeuds. Taker and Punk were the opening match of the night, and in the end Taker won. There was still significant mileage in a CM Punk title reign, while Undertaker’s recent runs tend to fall on the VERY short side. Who else is there for Taker to feud with? Is the WWE really going to turn Batista heel and hand him the top slot on Friday Nights? Will we see the WWE get trigger-happy and feed Dolph Ziggler to the Undertaker? I think Punk as champion gave them a number of satisfying options, while Undertaker holding the title seems to bring the recently great run of Smackdowns to a grinding halt.

My next objection is the Cena/Orton match. I’m shocked that Orton went over clean-ish, and while I know that they are going to have another match (an Ironman match no less…ugh), did we really need to see the title hotshot like this? At the rate Randy is going, he’s going to surpass Triple H and Ric Flair combined. I still cannot believe that the WWE is willing to shuttle that title back and forth between Orton and (insert face here) again and again. Give us something next and different, we’re begging you.

Finally, there’s the fact that Kofi Kingston AGAIN went over to retain the US Title. Seriously, give Kingston something to do. He’s held the belt for about ten years and the most we ever got from him in terms of character development was when he took back his stolen title from The Miz.

Before I start the actual show, here’s the customary Twitter plug: twitter.com/awheeler316. I’ll give quick shout-out to those folks who have been commenting on my recent columns, namely the stuff I said about Jeff Hardy. Thanks folks.

“Rest in peace…” You jerk.

No highlight package as we slam right into the opening credits. Not gonna lie, I am not happy about the fact that we are getting a post-PPV RAW without a recap. Back in the old days, those were the only times we would get great opening video montages. They felt special and made those of us who missed the PPV feel like we missed a true event.

Instead? I get a shrieking Cole who, within the first thirty seconds, drops the first not at all subtle football reference by calling this a “Super Bowl” atmosphere. Uh, Cole, when your show’s commercials are something other than Castrol GTX and a Bowflex, you can compare yourself to the Super Bowl. Right now I’d compare the atmosphere to an arena bowl game…and not one with Bon Jovi.

Also, apparently Wilkes-Barre is Cole country (yes, I know he meant coal, but screw him). We get asked if we’re “ready”…you know, like Monday Night Football.

Ben Roethlisberger comes out to the Monday Night Football theme song (which, by the way, was a generic piece of music that ABC happened to pick up rather than have commissioned…glad I spent that semester taking Entertainment Law) and a chorus of boos. Why? Well it might have something to do with the fact that most of the fans are dirty, no-good Eagles fans. Either that or they think he’s Jewish and are…well…still dirty, no-good Eagles fans (while I am technically a Dolphins fan, I have always been raised proper to be a gentleman and a Giants fan).

Thankfully, tonight everyone is a WWE fan. Oh, Ben apparently has something special from the “get go”. He asks if we’re ready, which brings out the Diva Bowl. Seriously? This was the big surprise? While I’m all for seeing Maria in her little jersey, I would hardly capitalize on a guest host with something like this.

Glad we’re not starting RAW by…you know…talking about the WWE Title picture. Lawler makes some jokes about how he wishes he was in this match, and then follows it up with some mayor-esque sexual harassment jokes.

All the women get in the ring and it turns into a giant catfight. Gail Kim, the referee, has a whistle. This is all way too cute for its own good, and the fans are gonna turn on this quickly. After all, these are the people who threw batteries at Santa…and cheer for Michael Vick.

Speaking of dog fights, Alicia Fox and Mickie James are going at it, and after their match last night, this could get hound-dog ugly (Jim Ross and his country bumpkin quotes ain’t got nuthin’ on me). Now a bunch of women start flowing in one at a time like ninjas fighting in every movie ever.

In the end, Mickie hits a DDT on Michelle McCool before rolling up Alicia Fox for the pin. Well, at least it’s over. Now let’s never speak of the Diva bowl again. On a side note, we are eight minutes into the show and I’m sick of the Monday Night Football song.

Wait, I hear voices! I never thought I’d be happy to see Randy Orton. The champ has the women all trapped in the ring, because apparently they are all either frozen in fear or distracted by his shiny title belt. Remember, these women are smart, sexy and powerful.

Cole manages to call him a viper with coal eyes during the twenty seconds it takes for him to come out. Orton holds up his title and we…go to commercial? What the hell was the point of this?

Commecial.

We’re back and the champion finally got in the ring. Seriously, did we need that commercial? Then again, did we need that Diva Bowl?

Randy, forgetting that he’s holding the title, reminds us that he beat Cena to become 6-time champion. The fans apparently say that he takes shortcuts, but he reminds us he isn’t Rey Mysterio. “John Cena and myself walked into Hell…in a cell…and I…beat him.” Dramatic…pauses…only…work…when…they…are…dramatic.

Orton then reads from the script by saying that Cena is going to come out and ask for a rematch. “Say what you are going…to…say…because I…know…what I am…going to…say…to…you.” Yes Randy, because it’s in the script.

Cena is out now and the place seems to erupt. Randy says that Cena will not get a rematch tonight. Well duh. Cena says that Orton doesn’t give a damn about the fans. Again, well duh. If they’re not gonna try, I’m not gonna try.

John congratulates him on his win last night. Yes, congrats Randy on missing the punt to Cena’s head by such a large majority that even small children now realize that this sport is about as legitimate as MyNetwork’s chances of ever becoming a real network again.

Cena said that he noticed the fans were on their feet the entire time. Maybe if he were focused on his match, he wouldn’t have lost. You know, because it’s real. Cena then lies and says that every time he and Orton are in the ring, it’s amazing. If by amazing you mean, “Its amazing people pay for this,” then yes, it’s amazing. John promises to give the fans THE match…an Ironman match. Well, in the pantheon of ideas, that’s certainly one of them.

So apparently this will be the final match ever between Cena and Orton. Yeah, and Ric Flair will stay retired forever. Randy responds to this in classic negotiating style by saying that if Orton wins, Cena has to leave RAW. John agrees. Randy further makes it a no-DQ match.

Well, the match is on officially as Cole repeats the stipulations ten or fifteen times to make sure that everyone in the audience understands.

Commercial.

We get a highlight package about how to help Ben’s Foundation for Kids Who Can’t Read Good.

The All American American is out next and we get the stupid push-up pyro. Jack points out that he didn’t get pinned last night and he promises that he will go undefeated. He also approves this message. Well, it’s not like he wrote this or anything.

Oh come on, Primo. Why? Seriously? On the plus side, the awful Spanish wrestler is following in the footsteps of another awful Spanish wrestler as Primo now gets the old Aldo Montoya fireworks pinwheel (though to be fair they originated with the awful black wrestler Wildman Johnny B Mero).

Swagger is wailing in Primo and my only hope is that he beats Primo without Primo injuring him in the process. Cole takes time to remind us that Jack was in fact a former ECW Champion, something that I thought was taboo on RAW.

Jack gets a resthold and then proceeds to treat Colon like a complete jobber. If this ends with a fluke pin, I’ll lose it. And by it I mean my desire to watch RAW. Thankfully, Primo leaps of the top rope only to be kicked and then eats a gut-wrench powerbomb for the pin.

JeriShow are in the back chatting as we go to…

Commercial.

And this show…sigh…continues as the Divas are bickering in the back before being broken up by Santino in a referee outfit. Ah, he’s doing the gimmick where he repeats himself to sound like he’s in a stadium. Because tonight’s host is from the NFL. Bet you didn’t know that.

Marella tries to get Mickie and Alicia to make out, but Alicia slaps the Italian shmuck before going back into a catfight.

Jerry “Dressed in an outfit my grandmother wouldn’t wear” Lawler and Michael “I will wear a tie, but only if it looks like something from the Willy Wonka collection” Cole throw us to Ben in the back with The Miz. Wow, there’s a Fathead on the wall. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of those. Miz takes umbrage with the fact that Swagger insinuated that he got pinned. How do you think I feel, Miz? I picked you in the Roundtable.

Miz talks about how awesome he is before asking for ANOTHER US Title shot. Ben books the match on the stipulation that Miz has to say, “I’m the Miz and I’m awful.” What the hell is with these lame stips? Seriously.

Commercial.

Chavo and Chris Masters are apparently tagging despite the fact that Chavo slapped him in the face. Oh how I wish this would just end.

Their opponents are MVP and Mark Hey-Hey-Henry, as Porter shows his ignorance by saying that it’s “all about the U.” Sorry, MVP, but Miami has nothing on the National Champion Florida Gators. The Hurricanes are nothing more than Gator Bait.

Mark Henry and Chris Masters start it of, just to show everyone what happen when that much lack of talent meet. Henry appears to have hurt his knee so he tags in MVP. Why the hell did the WWE bother to hire back Chris Masters? He hasn’t really improved all that much and I can’t imagine at the salary they are paying him that he’s worth having around to further a Hornswoggle angle.

Chavo is in now and is actually getting offense on a full grown wrestler. See, and you all complain that nothing shocking happens on RAW. MVP goes for the Ballin Elbow for Two before Chavo gets pinned by an errant Chris Masters elbow. Henry continues to sell the knee as the faces wander to the back.

In the ring, Chavo and Masters begin to argue before Masters locks in the Masterlock. Before he can get it in, the fucking midget runs into the ring and bites him to save Chavo. Hornswoggle then delivers a DX chop to Chavo before leaving. Is anyone even trying anymore?

Ben is walking to the ring apparently as we head on out to…

Commercial.

We’re back and there’s that damn MNF music. Again. Cole talks about how the Steelers beat the Chargers and that it was great preparation for him hosting RAW. Right. Ben gets the microphone before JeriShow interrupts. Chris Jericho is in his normal suit while Big Show is dressed like the world’s largest Gap employee.

Big Show asks why they call him Big Ben. Show asks where his big offensive line is, which brings out the Steelers offensive line. Most importantly, Max Starks is out there, so let’s have another “Go Gators!” I will point out that Starks and I took Sociology 101 together.

Jericho runs down the “gang of mesomorphs” and talks about how he never got turf toe. He then calls JeriShow the most dominant team in sports. The offensive line huddles up and Big Show lines up against all of them. Show then turns tail and flees. I liked this the first time when it featured Lawrence Taylor.

Hey, DX is out, and I will take this time to point out that I was the first guy in the IWC to call a DX/JeriShow feud. See, you should feel good about yourself for reading this, because now you know where all the stuff other sites will steal comes from.

Jericho and Big Show flee to the top of the ramp as DX and the offensive line start giving the DX sign. Jericho calls DX miscreants who only care about selling DX merchandise. “Go to WWEShop.com to buy all the useless merchandise.” Thanks Jericho.

Triple H compliments Jericho’s hair before saying that it looks ridiculous. Shawn then points out that he got his ass kicked at Hell in a Cell last night, but apparently it isn’t as painful as this promo. Apparently this is how DX officially challenges JeriShow. Big Show calls Shawn “little dog”, which, little known fact, is his Indian name. Just like Hunter’s Indian name is “lays with she-beast”.

Ben books DX/JeriShow tonight. Wow, way to give that match away for free, folks. Cole now officially is calling them JeriShow as I call my lawyers.

Commercial.

We get at on of replays before Kofi Kingston comes out. I will point out that Kingston is still officially being billed as being from Ghana. Miz comes out next, and don’t forget the killer stipulation.

If Miz beats Kingston tonight, then what was the point of the PPV? If Miz loses, what the hell is the point of pushing him to begin with? So many questions…well, okay, two…but still, I demand answers. On second thought, I don’t really care that much.

After some rolling around, we roll to…

Commercial.

Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise but he flops to the outside. Kofi now picks him up to dump him back in the ring. Why? Why not just take the count-out victory? Why does the WWE feel the need to make their champs look like idiots?

Kofi goes for the “Boom Boom Boom” but Miz tries a brilliant counter by rolling slightly to his left. Miz and Kingston are now trading blows as Lawler over-reaches to compare this to Ben.

Kingston busts out the SOS for two and we are getting a ton of near falls. Kofi loses his balance and there’s the SCF for the pin. Miz wins the United States Title…on RAW. Why the hell didn’t we just get this LAST NIGHT on the PPV? When you consider the fact that Jack Swagger’s new gimmick is the undefeated streak, why did he need to be in the match yesterday at all? For a PPV payday? Is the WWE really that short-sighted? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions?

Miz has the microphone now and he introduces himself as the new US Champion. Well, I guess Miz/Morrison is booked. Hey, the crowd chanted along with the “I’m the Miz…and I’m awesome.”

Commercial.

We get a replay from the earlier Cena/Orton promo.

In the back, Hornswoggle and Ben have a conversation before Santino shows up to complain about being slapped. We then have to sit through Santino and Ben trying to pronounce his name that I typed once and won’t again because it takes too long.

JeriShow is walking to the ring and we go to…

Commercial.

I can’t believe they are giving this match away on free television. Seriously, why give away an unadvertised match like this?

Jericho and Triple H start it off, and when you think about the awesome matches Chris has had with Shawn and Hunter in the past, you have to be excited.

Michaels is in now, and I can’t believe he has enough energy to work a match like this. Big Show is in now and we build towards a HHH/Show confrontation but instead get…

Commercial.

We’re back as we watch a Big Show rest hold before Jericho gets tagged back in. Finally, after some nonsense, we get Shawn and Jericho again. The nice thing about this feud will be that every week we’ll get awesome pairings between these guys to build up to the PPV.

Seriously, Shawn shouldn’t need to work this hard the night after having to carry Legacy in the main event. Michaels slowly crawls for the big tag and the place erupts. Cole throws yet another plug Big Ben’s way as Hunter flattens Jericho for two.

Hunter goes for the Pedigree before both members of DX wind up in a Chokeslam position before they try to suplex him only for Show to suplex them. Jericho now goes for the Walls and I’m having flashbacks to the time Hunter tore his quad thanks to JeriOit during the Two Man Power Trip days. I still contend that could have worked, by the way.

DX is now alone in the ring with Jericho and Chris hightails it. Smart man. Oh shit, here’s the MNF music again. The offensive line comes out in DX gear to stop Jericho from fleeing.

Oh, Jericho’s been intercepted. Because that’s a football term.

Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music and it’s over. DX and the Steelers pose and, to quote Cole, “there is no doubt that Ben threw a touchdown.” That’s how this odd, rambling show ends…with the least logical analogy ever.

This has been for your consideration.