For Your Consideration…We Couldn’t Get Entertainment Tonight?

For Your Consideration…We Couldn’t Get Entertainment Tonight?

Yes, that’s right, tonight’s title references an obscure line from “Clerks: The Animated Series”. Well, obscure for people that haven’t seen it, and chances are, if you’re a wrestling fan and you’re reading this site, this reference is right in your wheelhouse. No, no, I mean that as a good thing. Honest.

So due to an impromptu dinner with the future in-laws, I wasn’t able to start the show on time, which means DVR temptation is very apparent. Hey, I’ve got a Dolphins game to sweat out, not to mention the fact that I have the ability to turn Santino, Primo, Masters and Hornswoggle into mere blips with the push of a button. It’s like being omnipotent, only instead of controlling the universe, I get to control my avoidance of the horrible RAW undercard.

One quick thing I want to touch on, though, is the whole CM Punk “controversy”. Everyone who reads me knows that I’ve been a Punk supporter since day one. I think that his unique look, style and promo skills made him a valuable asset to Vince, and one that I’m thrilled he is finally exploiting. The problem is that Vince does what’s best “for business”, and everyone loves a scapegoat. SummerSlam did abysmal numbers when you consider the hype they put behind it. The show featured DX in a prominent feud, strong outings from Mysterio/Ziggler, JeriShow/Cryme Time and a Cena/Orton title match. On top of all of this, the main event promised to feature a TLC match between Hardy and Punk. The problem, of course, was that everyone knew that Hardy was not long for the WWE (or apparently long for the world of the un-incarcerated), so most people figured the ending was a foregone conclusion and decided to torrent it. So, the WWE did what they always do and reacted in classic knee-jerk fashion; they blamed Punk and hot-shotted the title onto the Undertaker. And can you really blame them? When one of your big four PPVs (a show that I took to task for failing to really live up to its big four feel, despite what Glazer and the Way Too Long guy Charlie say) fails to meet expectations, you try to go back to a default position and correct the mistake.

Perhaps the mistake lies with Cena and Orton. Those two have had a feud that couldn’t set kindling on fire, let alone the world. Well, we can’t blame Cena and Orton because they’re established guys. Can’t blame DX because they’re DX, and they sell shit. Can’t blame Legacy, because despite the fact that they haven’t shown anything resembling true skill, they’re the “future” of the show. So the blame falls on Jeff Hardy’s shoulders. Wait, Jeff’s not with the company! Crap, who can we blame? I know, how about the guy that refuses to wear slacks. Yeah, blame him.

The Undertaker is a proven draw, and if his days are in fact numbered (a threat I remember hearing back in the days when he rode a motorcycle and wore neckerchiefs and passed them off as bad-ass bandanas), then why not get as much out of him now as possible? Punk will again hold the World Title. He’s too good of a heel not to. In the meantime, let’s be thankful that he’s not the champion when the numbers are down. Aside from the inexplicable continuation of JBL as champion, when a new guy fails to draw, he gets shuttled down the card (see Jericho, Chris). Punk will be World Champion again, but for the time being, there is still money to be made from the fake dead guy with the inexplicably long tongue and the broken hip…and knee…and back…and probably his eye sight because his wife looks like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer from SNL. So the ‘Net will be up in arms that Punk lost the belt because he broke the fake dress code, but in actuality, giving The Undertaker the title might make the most sense for the time being. Fans like Taker, just like they loved Hardy, so let the mass audience pony up the cash to see him on PPV while we bide our time for the inevitable Punk/Danielson match that they’re bound to toss our way. Hell, at the very least, I’d like to see another Round of Punk/Edge.

Alright, enough of this, onto the show…but not before I whore myself out and plug the Twitter page at twitter.com/awheeler316. P.S. Thanks to all of my followers who have been avid commeters. Appreciate the love.

Suck up time over, onto two hours dedicated to getting Marella over.

“Andre…the Giant…”

We open with Chris Jericho in the back, who says that he is the best there is at what he does. Apparently the main event is 7 versus 7. What the fuck? Why do we have Survivor Series anyway?

Jericho has been named Smackdown team captain, and he wants to humiliate the RAW team. He gets interrupted by Nancy O’Dell, who tells him that RAW doesn’t start with Jericho, but rather with DX. So it really is 2000 all over again.

Speaking of which, bow to the masters (don’t worry, it’s not Chris Masters) as a middle aged guy with glow sticks saunters into the ring. Hmm…conspicuous by his absence is the other middle aged guy who loves him some Jesus. Speaking of Jesus, thank you Tim Tebow for leading the Gators to yet another victory.

Lawler finally asks where Shawn Michaels is before Hunter starts picking on the timekeeper. Apparently the timekeeper is filling in for Shawn by doing the microphone laps. Later on tonight, the timekeeper will wrestle a three star match with Chris Masters. See, anyone can be Shawn Michaels as long as you believe in the power of Christ. And befriend X-Pac, because that cannot be an easy thing to do. Seriously, he looks like he’s a quarter rat.

Hunter asks if we’re ready and the crowd gives a rather apathetic “yeah”. You know, without Shawn, Hunter just seems like a sad guy milking an old gimmick. Somehow the addition of Michaels makes it a wacky fun time. Without him, it’s like watching Van Halen with Gary Cherone. Obscure but true.

HHH pulls out his cell phone and decides to call Shawn, who apparently “no showed”. So not only are we reliving 2000, we’re reliving the mid 90’s. Ah, the gag is that Shawn recorded his own voice message set to his ringtone. Yes Jimmy Hart, that means another royalty check.

Shawn then answers the phone in the hopes that no one heard his ringtone. Which, you know, means he wasn’t watching the show. No wonder the ratings are down, not even the talent is tuning in. Michaels then reveals that his daughter is sick. Apparently she lost her smile. Too soon?

Hunter turns this into a plug for DX’s book, which I’d imagine is mostly kayfabe nonsense with some sprinkles of “inside” stuff like “DX was formed from members of the Clique.” There you go, I just saved you fifteen bucks. I’m like a one man stimulus package.

Hunter moves on to Bragging Rights, but then he gets interrupted by the JeriShow music and…holy shit…Big Show is wearing one of the belts around his waist. How the hell is that possible? How many cows had to die to make enough fake leather to surround his frame? That’s worth the price of admission right there.

Jericho gets major heat by throwing the book on the floor. Clearly the fans haven’t read it. Chris compliments Hunter on not having the Steelers out with him before moving on to talk about NOT SURVIVOR SERIES, Bragging Rights. Jericho reminds us for the second time in 11 minutes that he’s the captain of the Smackdown team. He also says Smackdown is a better show because he’s on it. Can’t argue with that logic. HHH then turns this into burying Teddy Long before calling Jericho a grumpy troll. Huh? Hunter then says it has great wrestling like The Great Khali. Ouch. I hope this means they’re gonna go ahead and release him. On a side note, how cool would it be if this is going to lead to a situation where ECW just bands together and interrupts the main event?

Jericho wants Big Show for the Smackdown roster but then Hunter points out that Jericho is the “pitcher” and Big Show is the “catcher”. You know, because Jericho is the one that fucks Big Show up the ass. Yes, this is TV-PG folks. Hunter then gets Jericho and Show to argue over who carries the team (not before stealing my line AGAIN and calling them JeriShow). Jericho and Big Show argue over who got humiliated more by the Guest GMs, but I think the true loser in the Guest GM world is the WWE audience.

“You’re no longer known as the guy who got knocked out at Wrestlemania by Floyd Mayweather.” Nice. How the hell did big Show not turn this into “At least I didn’t get knocked out by the star of ‘The Pope of Greenwich Village’.” Big Show now decides to be on Team RAW. Hunter then tells him there’s no slots open. Show can earn a spot by facing Chris Jericho. Whoa, total shocker. Did not see that coming. Nope, not at all. I mean, wow. Wow. Alright, enough of this nonsense, time to go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Jericho is nose to nipple with the Big Show. So what the hell did they do throughout the commercial break? Man, first the Indy fans don’t get Shawn Michaels and now they get three minutes of stalling before a match built around stalling. Wow, I hope tonight’s main event features Orton and Santino. That would make this the best RAW of the week.

So now we’re doing a comedy routine as Jericho tries to get a waist lock on Show, but clearly it doesn’t work. Jericho then tries to slap him, but Big Show slaps him instead. Why the hell did the WWE turn the evil-smart Jericho into a buffoon? Wouldn’t the devious Chris Jericho just let Big Show pin him and then use Big Show as a double-agent? See, that would make Chris seem like a true heel instead of yet another shmuck getting pushed around by DX like a Canadian Spirit Squad (and yes, I know he’s from New York, but I don’t wanna start trouble with Scott Keith).

Show and Jericho slap each other some more but then Show goozles him and tosses him into the corner. Jericho goes for the CodeBreaker but gets deposited on the top rope. Show tells him to calm down, so he gets slapped again. Then he slaps Jericho off the top rope and now Chris is favoring his knee. This is quite possibly the worst Chris Jericho match I’ve ever seen. Jericho tries to run in the ring to beat the count but Show pulls him out and he slides in and wins via count-out. This show already smacks of “Oh no, Shawn’s not here so we have to rewrite the entire broadcast.”

Show leaves in disgust (and after that Sports Entertainment nonsense, you can’t blame him) as we see Jerry “Pimping himself with his shirt” Lawler and Michael “tie” Cole throw us to Maria Menunopolis. She’s with Legacy, completing the personality-lacking vacuum. It’s like a black hole of talent. Legacy believe that they belong on Team RAW, but apparently there’s a triple threat match between Teddy, Cody and a third man, John Cena. Doesn’t Cena already HAVE a match at Bragging Rights? How hard is it to pay attention?

Commercial.

Three members of the Pacers, including Tyler Hansbrough, are there. They get to watch Mickie James and her jaunty cap defend the tramp stamp title. Her opponent is Jillian Hall, who I half expect to just job during her entrance. Seriously, she’s like the Barry Horowitz of the women’s division, except she doesn’t have the great slimy hair or the back pat.

So now we get a few minutes of pretending that Mickie might lose her title, which means the fans go from bored to completely bored. Mickie goes into the ropes and gets powerbombed and Jillian Hall puts her feet on the ropes and…wins the title? Um…what? What the hell just happened? Jillian now has a microphone and demands that everyone take a picture of the new Diva’s Champion. She’s apparently going to sing Lady Gaga and I just remembered I have a fast forward button. My guess is that the Guest GM is going to bust out the Dusty Finish. Sure enough, I hear “American Woman” for some reason and here comes Nancy O’Dell. Apparently there’s been a trade and Jillian Hall has to defend her title right now against…oh fuck…Melina. Well, Ms. Ed gets a title shot and is back on RAW, which means that she must have tried to screw Batista again so they shuttled her back to Monday Nights.

I can’t really have to watch two Diva’s matches in one night, can I? Melina hits her finishing move, she botches it completely and they turn it into a two count. Melina the calls a VERY audible finish, hits the Canadian Destroyer, and wins the Tramp Stamp Title. The original goal was to make this a one move match, but Melina and her sloppy work made it a two move match. Welcome back, Melina. Thanks for reminding us that just because Jackie Gayda is gone, her legacy will live on forever.

Commercial.

Next week, Snoop Dogg will guest host. Yup.

Hunter and a Shawn Michaels cut-out cut a promo in the back. Shawn is on the speaker phone and apparently they’re cool possibly teaming up with one of the Legacy guys who…you know…tried to kill them. Hornswoggle shows up dressed as Shawn Michaels. Oddly enough, he looks like Edge. Hunter calls this gimmick infringement as Shawn turns on the television and freaks out. Hornswoggle beats up the cardboard cut-out of Shawn before Hunter tries to wrestle the midget. And no, I don’t mean Jericho.

Cole and Goldie Lawler are on camera to tell us that the Diva Trade details will be on WWE.com after the show, so hold your breaths.

Santino is in the back with Nancy and Maria as he auditions to host Access Hollywood. Beth Phoenix shows up dressed like the green M&M and she’s pissed about getting sent to Smackdown. Beth then threatens Maria and Nancy before grabbing Maria and turns it into a women’s prison movie. Apparently Maria and the Divas will compete in a match tonight. Yes, that means THREE Diva matches tonight. Three. In one night. And we haven’t even seen Primo yet. It’s gonna be a long night.

We get a preview of Cena and Orton using Smackdown v. RAW 2010. You know, like that stupid thing we do on Pulse where we simulate the PPVs. I’m sure you read it every month. I know I do. Every single month. Never missed a time where we did that. Because it’s a great read. Honest. Amazing stuff.

Commercial.

Legacy gets one entrance, which is one more than they used to get. Cena is out now and you just gotta wonder what the hell they’re thinking with this. If Cena wins, he’ll have to wrestle for 60 minutes AND be in a 7-man. I mean, he won’t have to carry the match, so it’s do-able, but nothing says paper thin roster like that. On the plus side, less Legacy.

So this match is a no-DQ match. Why the hell doesn’t Legacy just beat the crap out of Cena and let him win the match so that he’ll be softened up for Orton? Where is the logic? Anywhere? Why wouldn’t Randy want them to just demolish John tonight and then force him into two matches on the PPV? Ugh, I give up.

Legacy beat on Cena. Cole just realized it was ten o’clock, so he interrupts Lawler to remind us again what show we’re watching. Thanks, because for a minute I thought this was Antiques Roadshow (insert joke about TNA’s main event scene here).

Legacy is still beating on Cena as Cole tries to apply some of my aforementioned logic, only to abandon it and just let Jerry prattle on about how Cena is outnumbered. This whole thing is just waiting for the inevitable moment where Legacy fight each other. Until then, it’s just sort of standing on principle.

Legacy hits a double dropkick followed by more slow beatdowns. This is borderline painful to watch, as we’re getting generic offense from two guys who don’t seem to have any really definable moves on their own.

Cena takes Rhodes outside before Teddy hits a clothesline on Cena for two. Yeah, because Cena was going to job to a clothesline.

Yay, Commercial.

We’re back as Teddy is still slowly beating on Cena. Thankfully, Teddy’s strategy seems to revolve around giving Cena time to recover after every move. Sure enough, he gets dumped out of the ring but Cody rolls in with an weak looking swinging neckbreaker. My beef with Legacy, folks, is that they got the biggest rub the WWE could give them (beating DX), and it still didn’t make them any kind of legitimate threat. The sign that someone’s over is that they can move on to a new feud and keep their heat. You know, you work with DX and then keep that momentum in a feud with MVP and Hey-Hey-Henry. Instead, Legacy gets the same weak reaction they got before the DX feud, with the lone exception being that time that Orton RKOd Dusty and Cody almost looked like he was going to do something.

Cena just hit a double suplex on Legacy. He then dumps Cody outside and starts punching Teddy. Wow, Legacy has looked like complete bitches at the hands of Cena. The same Legacy that almost destroyed DX. Teddy is in the STFU but Orton shows up to save him. Meanwhile, Cody rolls up Teddy for the pin. Orton stops them from fighting and Cena has a big smile. I need Tylenol, or a scotch.

Nancy O’Dell shows up on the screen and books a match…Legacy versus Cena and Orton. What the hell is going on tonight? Seriously, how did no one realize until tonight that RAW has no roster?

Commercial.

We’re back and we see the Colts and a kid in a Gators jacket! Go Gators!

Qualifying match time as Jack Swagger is out first, which means Swagger is on the team. His opponent is MVP, who misses his pyro mark. Well, in spite of their SummerSlam match, this could be good. But it’s RAW, so it’ll go for like five minutes. I hope they didn’t forget about Swagger’s undefeated gimmick, because killing that after one week would suck. Lawler calls Jack deceptively big, and if that wasn’t gay enough, Cole starts talking about Swagger’s wingspan. Who hears something like that and suddenly decides they want to order a PPV? Cole might be a storyteller, but he really needs to be a commentator.

MVP hits the BEFT (Ballin’ Elbow For Two) but Jack kicks out and hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb and it’s over. Cole reminds us that Swagger is undefeated since…last week.

Orton is in the back and makes peace with Legacy. Randy will not team up with Cena but instead will make this a handicap match as Orton goes into James Bond villain mode and elaborately explains his plans. Teddy and Cody bicker, which again shows how much Legacy is flawed. They are, at best, petulant. And not petulant in the funny Chris Jericho way, but rather in a way that ensures that they will never be taken seriously as killer heels.

Our next qualifying match is coming up (and, to quote Tony Schiavone, is almost like a qualifying match) and features Kofi “Ghanna make me crazy” Kingston. Shut up, it works. His opponent is Evan Bourne. Given time, this would be entertaining, but remember, this is RAW. Also, it’s RAW Evan Bourne, not ECW Evan Bourne.

Commercial.

We’re back and the two high flying guys are trading restholds. That makes sense. Oh, and the final slot will be determined in a match between Mark Henry and Chris Masters. WHY?! Whew, it’s airing on Superstars. Cole, with line of the night, quips that the Masters/Henry match will be a “fun match to call.” Sure.

Kingston launches Bourne in the air and hits an uppercut. That was a decent looking move. Too bad he can’t do that with most of the roster. Kingston goes to the corner but almost gets pinned. Kofi then hits the SOS…for two? Way to get that finishing move over. Bourne hits two knees before going to the top rope but hops off and then hops on and then hops off and eats Trouble in Paradise for the win. Would have been cooler to give Bourne a shot, but whatever.

Shawn’s cut-out has bandages as Hunter entertains Maria and Nancy before plugging the lame book again. Maria is wearing a leather two-piece with a Greek flag. Apparently this was Maria’s lifelong dream. Hunter offers to teach her how to wrestle, and we all know how that worked out when he helped Trish (inspiring the “Saved by the Bell” flashback… “Hold me tighter Slater.”) Chavo shows up and believes that Hunter is conspiring with the midget to hold down Guerrero. Chavo seems to be shooting all over the place. Maria then kicks him in the nuts. Shawn finishes the segment over the phone as we mercifully go to…

Commercial.

Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez and Beth Phoenix are in the ring and will take on Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim and Maria Menunopolis. Gail Kim and Alicia Fox start it out before tagging in Maria. Double-clothesline and now Maria hits a hair toss on Fox. She hits another one. She goes for a third before getting picked up. She turns it into a Schoolgirl but then gets kicked. She’s actually a little better than Lawrence Taylor. Beth Phoenix is in now but gets kicked in the shin and slapped in the face. She tags in Kelly Kelly who then eats a backbreaker.

Rose gets tagged in and eats the cartwheel knee before getting dropped by Maria on the apron. Kelly gets the pin. Hey, it’s over.

Commercial.

We relive Miz winning the US Title and sure enough, here comes The Miz. He demands respect because he’s the new champion and he’s wearing a skinny tie. With a hoodie. Miz announces that he’s facing the Intercontinental Champion, his old partner John Morrison. Miz reminds us that they won a Slammy. Somewhere, Joey Mercury is sobbing. Well, I don’t know if he can sob what’s left of his nose. He’s like a shorter Brutus Beefcake.

He’s the Miz and he’s Awesome and we’re…uh…going to another Cole/Lawler on-cam.

They run down the Breaking Point card as Orton comes out and we go to…

Commercial.

Orton is in the ring with the microphone and apparently Randy called Snoop Dogg to let him know that it’s Cena’s last show. Thanks to years of smoking, Snoop Dogg has already forgot. Lucky bastard might forget most of this show. Seriously, it’s like the entire show has been booked with half the roster on tour. Except the entire roster is there…minus Shawn Michaels.

We’re going to find out right after this match who Cena is facing on his potentially last RAW match ever. So Cena’s out now and we get to…again…watch Legacy beat down John Cena. Hell, Cody’s had a resthold locked in for a good three minutes. For three minutes we’ve watched Cody just sort of hold Cena’s head. Thankfully, unlike the folks in Indy, I didn’t pay for this. Cena powers out and tags Orton, who looked like he was sleeping. Can’t say I blame him.

Oh snap, now Orton has to wrestle Cody Rhodes. Why the hell do they feel compelled to wrestle him? It’s not like they can’t just lay down for him. This match means nothing to them. Rhodes tries to pin Orton but then Teddy gets tagged in and he goes for the pin. See, they both want to pin the champ despite the fact the champion is their leader. Orton tags Cena and they go toe-to-toe before Teddy tries to take Cena out. How many times in one night can I watch Cena beat down Legacy? Two, the answer was two. Not by choice, mind you.

Cena hits the You Can’t See Me but Orton tags himself in and attacks Cena. Wow, I didn’t see that coming. Teddy interrupts the beatdown to pin Orton. What the fuck? Seriously. Tonight’s RAW had no Shawn Michaels and no logic. On the plus side, Cena just hit the FU on Orton. “A terrible night for Randy Orton.” Thanks Cole. A terrible night for people who like coherent storytelling.

Next week, John Cena will face…Triple H. Next week. Hmm…intriguing.

Cena looks concerned as the trademark logo pops up. Don’t worry John, that means your intellectual property is protected. Though there’s a chance he was concerned about the fact that he’s facing Triple H, but I like to believe it’s because he’s worried about gimmick infringement.

This has been for your consideration.