Edited by Brad W. (red29)
So here we go again. Another month… or three weeks… and another WWE pay per view. Yea? Fifty percent of the stuff here is a repeat from Summerslam, possibly less if you don’t want to count Christian vs. Regal as an actual match. My readers have been trying to get me fired up for this one. No less then seven e-mails assured me that DX vs. Legacy II was very improved over their Summerslam effort.  Of course, these are the same readers who told me how awesomely awesome the Summerslam match was, so I’ll take it with a grain of salt.
Following my Summerslam review, Pulse Glazer lambasted me for my poor judgment in how I scored the show. Then we ended up jousting in the comments section because we’re both unprofessional cunts. He blamed DX/Legacy letting me down on myself being over-hyped on it. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron… no. Like anyone else, I do get hyped for matches. That said, the only matches I actually do get hyped for are ones where all the participants have shown some form of talent. Legacy has not. I could not give a shit less what the excuses are for why their matches are no good. “They’re holding DiBiase back so he can turn babyface.” Who cares? I don’t. I review matches, not political bullshit. Make no mistake: I have wrestlers I don’t like. But I want EVERYONE to reach their highest potential. All I do is review matches. I want those matches to be of the best quality. Why? Because it makes my job less boring. So if Ted DiBiase has a legitimate excuse for being a terrible wrestler, goody on him. Hopefully when he’s allowed to wrestle well, I’ll still be sane enough to write these reviews. Until then, I’m stuck having to rate the product that is presented to me as it was, not as it could have been.
September 14, 2009 from Montreal, Quebec. If they break off from Canada, and Texas breaks off from the United States, they should merge to form a new country. Call it “Quebexas!” It would be populated by rude, standoffish, white supremacists that talk funny, smell bad, and hate it when black people get elected President of any country. Oh, and a few French Canadians would live there too.
By the way, was anyone actually surprised how this pay-per-view ended? Submission only-PPV… in Montreal! Get it? Hello, McFly!
Match #1: Tag Team Championship
(c) Big Show & Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry & MVP
I bet Mark Henry loved tagging with MVP. It’s the first time in his thirteen year career in the WWE that he was guaranteed to not be the least-talented person in the ring. Jericho and Show had their custom music by this point, but they don’t have a custom Titantron. I don’t get it. Wouldn’t it be neat to see Jericho’s name appear in Big Show’s style of lettering, and vice versa? Then again, I’m a nerd for Titantrons. Mark Henry had been seriously getting over as a babyface prior to this show, but as always the WWE failed to strike while the iron was hot and at least give him a title match. For whatever reason, I’ve convinced myself that Randy Orton and Mark Henry have compatible styles and would actually have a pretty decent little brawl against each other. For real. I think Orton’s systematic stomping and bully-moves would work well against Henry, who has proven that he can at least clutch a body part in pain long enough to make it seem like he’s wrestling.
MVP and Jericho start. Jericho cowards out of the ring when MVP teases a punch. He returns to the ring and we lockup and brawl. Jericho gets pissy and shoves MVP, then eats a hiptoss. MVP then fires off Greco-Roman suplex of all things. I applaud him for trying to give some variety to his moveset, but the fans shit on it because even when it’s hit correctly it looks more like a botched armdrag then an actual offensive move. Jericho staggers into the wrong corner and gets smacked down my Henry, then MVP fires off some shoulderblocks. Blatant punch to the nose by Jericho, then he gets reversed on a shoot-off and hit with a drop-toehold. Swinging neckbreaker by MVP and he tags Henry. Jericho bails and tags Big Show. Fans clearly favor Big Show for this one. We get a lockup that goes nowhere. Show tries to stay heelish and suckers Henry into going for a test of strength, then kicks him. Show slings Henry to the corner and goes for a splash, but Henry catches Show ‘in the air’ and slings him to the corner for some punches. Whip across the ring and a splash by Henry. Once again, I actually LIKE Mark Henry and think he has value as a performer, but someone has to tell him to cut the stuff out that he’s no good at. Running in general isn’t one of them. When he does a running splash in the corner, it looks like crap because he’s incapable of getting any speed going. If he would just cut out some of the moves he does that don’t look so good, he would, I think, become a very good wrestler. Someone get Paul Heyman on this. He was good at this kind of stuff.
Henry goes for a slam on Show, but MVP ends up distracting the referee and allows Jericho to come in and smack Henry down. Show falls on top and gets two. Kicks in the corner, then some cheating by Jericho. Show brawls Henry down and tags Jericho back in. More brawling, then Henry shoves him down. The referee goes to break them apart, so he tags Show back in. Shoot off and a double clothesline, and again it looked bad because neither guy can run. Tags all-around and MVP throws Jericho a couple times. Shoot off and MVP springs off the corner, and then hits a diving clothesline. Facebuster on the knee by MVP sets up the Ballin’ Elbow for two. Jericho snatches him down in the Walls of Jericho, but MVP counters out of that and we shoot off. Big boot to Jericho, but Show got the blind-tag and spears him down to make MVP the face-in-peril. Front chancery by Show and the tag to Jericho. Arrogant kicks, followed by a few non-arrogant kicks. What’s the opposite of arrogant? *looks it up* Humble? Really? Those kicks weren’t fucking humble. Light brawling until MVP gets a small package for two, and then a clothesline for a double KO. MVP doesn’t really do a good job of selling a near-tag spot and Jericho brawls him back to the corner. MVP flips out a hiptoss and gets a DDT for another double KO. Hot tag to Henry. He hits a clothesline and a headbutt, and then catches Jericho coming off the ropes and press slams him. Big splash gets two as Show saves. Show dumps MVP, then Henry dumps Show. Standing-splash by Henry gets two as Jericho gets a foot on the ropes. Henry lowers his head into a kick, then catches the Codebreaker and alley-oops Jericho. Show climbs on the apron and hits the knockout punch on Henry and Jericho slowly crawls over and scores the pin.
*** Completely by-the-book tag match with no bells and whistles. That said, MVP actually looked pretty decent out there. Big Show and Jericho really have started to click as a tag team. Mark Henry needs to cut a couple moves out of his set, and then I think he would be ready to advance up the card. By the way, I’ve thought of the PERFECT finisher for him: Lex Luger’s torture rack. Luger has been out of the national spotlight for ten years now and that move was ALWAYS OVER and is due for a comeback. With the way Mark Henry’s body is built, that move would look insanely good if someone taught him how to slap it on. Give it to him.
-Meanwhile, Legacy is out. Cody Rhodes continues to improve on the microphone, but there’s one thing that bugs me: he doesn’t look into the camera when he’s cutting his promo. A heel isn’t supposed to just be intimidating to his opponent. A heel should look like they’re addressing each and every fan and threatening them as much as they’re threatening the babyface. Meanwhile, DiBiase is still terrible on the stick. This guy is NOT going to cut it as a hero. Unlike Rhodes, he does look into the camera as he finishes his speech, but he’s about as convincing as my neighbor is when he tries to explain why George W. Bush is really a secret genius.
“I’m telling you, the guy sounds like an idiot but I bet he can do long division and everything!” I swear to god, he said that without a hint of sarcasm.
Match #2: United States Championship
(c) Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
Unless some kind of disaster strikes, Miz has pretty much locked up my vote for Most Improved Wrestler in the 2009 RSPWs. Michelle McCool was neck-and-neck with him for a bit, but his match with Kofi Kingston on Raw put him over the top. Kofi, I’m guessing, is a frontrunner for some of the not-so-good awards, and I don’t get it. He’s more then acceptable in the ring. His moveset is unorthodox and he’s got fewer dimensions then a piece of paper does, but his whole shtick works.
Miz cuts an evil promo in French. Anything spoken in French is evil by default, but when Miz says it, it becomes double evil. We start the match with a lockup that drags all around the ring and ends with a clean break. Another lockup goes to the corner, where Kofi offers a clean break and gets kicked. He charges into a headlock-takeover and we go to the mat. Back to their feet, where Miz gets shot-off but hits a shoulderblock. Miz goes for the SKF but Kingston drops through it and gets a roll-up for two. Kick to the gut by Kofi, who leaps into the corner and gets a ten-punch. A series of kicks gets two for him. Snap suplex by Miz gives him control of the match. He shoots off but misses a clothesline and Kofi gets a couple crossbody splashes and a dropkick for two. So much for control. Kofi shoots him to the corner but gets dropped on the apron. Kingston climbs but gets his legs swept, and he ends up lying across the top rope. Miz takes him down and preps for a catapult, and for some reason the WWE production fuckwits decided that this was the best time possible to show a replay of the leg sweep. I’ve been bitching about this for only a month now, but I can say this stuff has bugged me for years. And this was honestly the most blatantly bad use of it I’ve ever seen. It’s not like they didn’t know Miz was firing off a move. He was right in the middle of doing it. This shit has got to end.
Fans are totally dead for this match, sadly. Miz fires off the catapult into the bottom rope and covers for two. Now we get a chinlock. Kofi fights loose and bounces off the ropes but charges face first into a boot from Miz for two as we get our third replay in the last 72 seconds instead of watching Miz mount punches. The referee pulls Miz off, so he boots Kingston. We now move into our fourth instant replay in 82 seconds to see the big boot spot again. Nice. You know, I wasn’t convinced it was a big boot the first time I saw it, and I’m incapable of using the rewind button on either my DVR or my DVD player. Thank god that I was given another two chances to confirm that it was indeed a big boot. Thank you so very, very much, production fuckwits. I’ve seen roughly 25,000 big boots in the twenty-five years I’ve been watching wrestling and they never, ever get fucking old. Each and every one is like getting a handjob from Jesus Christ himself. If you production guys are ever in Washington, let me know, because I so need to suck your cocks for this. I mean, three views of Kofi eating a big boot… wow… I’m tearing up. My life story is now complete. I have seen a guy get booted in the face three times in thirty seconds. I would offer you cash and stuff, but only a good penis suckling would be able to express how much gratitude I have for you. I just want to fucking hug you right now. I’m so at a loss for words… god, be right back guys. I have to cry.
Where was I? Miz has a clutch-chinlock on Kofi, who slugs his way out of it only to get shot off and hit with a flapjack for two. Knees to the gut and face by Miz followed by a choke on the ropes. Punches to the gut by Kofi to fight back. Miz grabs a waistlock, so Kingston builds up momentum and slings him out of the ring. Kofi goes for a plancha, then lands on the apron when Miz moves out of the way. Miz was waiting for this and trips him up and makes him tumble to the floor. Miz tosses him back in and covers for two and two again. Miz drives Kingston to the corner and slugs it out, then hits his diving clothesline into the corner. He climbs and hits a sledge off the top for two. That looked pretty fucking cool, as far as axe-handles off the top rope go. Miz brawls him in the corner, but gets drop-toeholded into the turnbuckle. Kingston is still out of it so Miz fires off his own series of kicks. He taunts the crowd, and we end up with a kick-off. Nice, and the fans get into it. Kingston wins out and goes for the tornado kick, but Miz ducks it. SKF is turned into an armdrag by Kingston, who then fires off an STO for two. Clothesline misses for Kingston and Miz hits a reverse DDT on his knee and the canvas for two. Love that move. Flying clothesline by Kofi but the Boom drop is countered by a pair of knees for two. They trade rollups for a series of two counts. Kofi drives Miz to the corner for two, turned into a two by Miz. Russian legsweep and the Boom drop by Kofi gets two. He climbs and hits a crossbody, but Miz rolls through it for two. Snake eyes by Miz and a schoolboy with a handful of tights gets two. Miz gets frustrated and mounts a couple punches. High knee and an attempted neckbreaker by Miz, but Kingston turns the neckbreaker into the Tornado kick for the pin.
***3/4 Pretty good match, but the crowd gave them almost nothing and created pacing issues as a result. These guys clearly have chemistry with each other and proved it this past Monday on Raw when Miz took the US title. And what a story in the Miz. When he first got called up to the big leagues, he was easily on the shortlist for worst worker in the company. He even stayed near the bottom for a while. And then, like magic, he started to get a little better. People joked about how John Morrison was rubbing off on him. But he kept getting better. He’s to the point now where you can actually tell that he’s better then he was from even the week before. If he keeps this up he’s going to end up as a very big star in the grand scheme of things. He’s second only to CM Punk in terms of being able to draw heat on the stick. In the ring, he’s passed over many guys to become one of the better workers on Raw. He’s the real deal.
Match #3: Submissions Count Anywhere
Shawn Michaels & Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase
Rehash of: Summerslam 2009
Prove me wrong, Legacy. Fans give both guys a ‘you screwed Bret’ chant before Triple H can finish his spiel. “There was an incident here that happened years ago and apparently people can’t let it go. So on a personal level; from me sincerely… it was all his fault.” The fans laughed, but they still boo Shawn when he gets the microphone. Again, I don’t get the ‘you screwed Bret’ chants. What’s the point? They only serve a purpose if either Shawn Michaels forgot about it or he wasn’t proud of it. Neither seems to be the case. Shawn clearly remembers the Survivor Series, and he’s very proud of the fact that he was involved with it. Let’s face it; Shawn and Bret were bitter enemies. They had come to blows at one point. And in the end, Shawn not only embarrassed his enemy on live television, but his enemy’s entire life fell apart as a result of it. If the fans want to keep chanting that crap, they should save some time and just shower him with confetti and play “We Are the Champions” for him. If they dislike him, pick something he’s NOT proud of to chant. Then again, it’s tough to do a “You were forced to job to Hulk Hogan at Summerslam 2005” chant harmoniously.
Four-way brawl to start. Shawn hits the flying forearm and the nip-up to Rhodes right off the bat, and Cody bails. Teddy eats a facebuster from Trips, then a chopblock from Shawn. Half drop to Rhodes from Shawn, then a chopblock from Trips and things spill out to the floor. Shawn chops Rhodes, while Trips slams DiBiase into the announce table on the other side of the ring. Both fights are taking place in completely different areas and thus it becomes impossible to follow the action. Shawn takes Cody into the audience to fight, where he slams him into something in the seating area. DiBiase jumps Michaels out of nowhere, then Trips follows and the fight goes higher up. Fans can’t stop themselves from being knuckle-dragging retards and reach out to pat them. Cody and Trips end up in the hallway while Shawn and DiBiase fight.
This match is a huge production fuckup as the idiots in the truck do quick cuts from one fight to the next, and as a result we miss EVERYTHING. Cody is leaning up against a concession stand and Trips charges at him to hit him, but a half-second before the move is completed, we cut to Shawn and DiBiase who are doing NOTHING! We then cut back to Rhodes selling whatever Trips did to him. Trips picks him up and tosses him into a wall, then mounts some punches. DiBiase comes in to attack Trips, but Shawn shows up and we end up with both guys getting locked in a figure four. The cameraman is TERRIBLE! Michael J. Fox could have held the fucking thing more still. Believe it or not, even the retarded Montreal fans standing next to this mess start to sing “OVER THERE” pointing towards the actual arena. I’m embarrassed for everyone involved. This is worse then backyard shit in every way possible, wrestling and production.
We fight back to the stairs where Cody mounts some punches on Shawn. We get some of the worst brawling I’ve ever seen, and the action is impossible to follow because the cameraman is a non-functional dipshit who’s zoomed in too close. The fans are too close as well. Someone finally gets in their ears that this shit fucking sucks, so they take it back to ringside, where Trips 360 clotheslines DiBiase over the rail, while Rhodes backdrops Shawn over the rail and into the announce table. Sounds good, but the camera angles still suck and I had to rewind it four times to figure out what actually happened. Trips loads up Rhodes on a chair, while the camera angles are STILL DOG SHIT! What the fucking fuck is going on here? Trips slaps on a sharpshooter on the chair, then Michaels runs in with a chinlock. The camera then quickly zooms in and out like Wayne’s World when they do an “extreme close-up.” I’m not fucking kidding.  I hope Vince McMahon had one his legendary blowups while watching this. Someone deserved to be fired here.
DiBiase brawls Trips around and tosses him into the steel stairs. Back into the ring, where Trips hits a spinebuster. He then slaps on the crossface (Tripler Crossface?) but Rhodes saves. Shawn gets dumped by Rhodes, but skins the cat and headscissors Cody out of the ring. He tries the same on DiBiase but gets shoved off, where Cody hooks in a Gory-Special type of move. Trips clotheslines DiBiase and then weakly makes the save. Cody gets tossed into the stairs, then Trips returns to the ring to smack DiBiase around some more, while the imbecile cameraman returns for more EXTREME CLOSEUPS~!! WHOOOAAA! Party on, Garth! Michaels and Cody bail back onto the stands, where nothing happens. Shawn starts to punch Cody, so naturally we cut back to Trips and DiBiase just lying around. Back to the short guys, where Cody tosses Shawn off a balcony, where he lands very comfortably on what looks like an air mattress covered with a black bed sheet. For those people who swore to me that this match was good, I hope you brought enough drugs to share. Everyone acts all shocked, then Trips brawls with both of Legacy. The Incredibly Shaky Cameraman is back for more extreme close-ups, now with an added bonus: focus issues! We go to the back where I think Triple H gets brawled around by Legacy. I can’t really tell. The camera won’t stay fucking still for more then a nanosecond. After a whole lot of nothing, Cody charges at Trips only to get caught and spinebustered into a catering table. Tripler Crossface to Cody, with Trips hooking his arms around Cody’s forehead. This whole thing has to be an elaborate rib. I simply refuse to believe that these four guys and the entire production staff could team up to make something this bad.
DiBiase makes the save by using a flimsy looking cooler. Well, maybe it was flimsy. I couldn’t tell because he totally feather-dusted Trips with it. Cody makes DiBiase look even worse by plastering Trips with a chair. The cameraman finally gets over his seizure long enough to show a close-up of Triple H’s dead body. Cut to the ramp where Legacy scoopslams Shawn on the steel. The fans are hate-hooing this whole thing. Legacy mugs like this is heel heat for them. It’s not. They toss Shawn back into the ring and double up on him with their usual punches and kicks. Shawn almost comes back, while Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler call the match using their “someone fell from the rafters†voices. Cody charges into a boot, but DiBiase slams Shawn down. Michaels avoids an elbow and dumps DiBiase, and then Cody snatches him in an anklelock. DiBiase gets back in to help, but he sucks the goodness out of everything he touches and thus Shawn fights back and dumps DiBiase. Sweet Chin Music to Rhodes and we have a fucking double KO while Triple H starts to stir in the back. Shawn snatches Rhodes in a figure-four, but DiBiase saves. They load up a spike piledriver, which is a banned move of course and thus there’s no chance in hell it’s going to hit and 90% of the audience likely knows that. Shawn fights off and goes for Sweet Chin Music on DiBiase, but Cody trips him down. Cody brawls Shawn down and slaps on a ring post figure-four. DiBiase adds the Million Dollar Dream to this, while Trips staggers down the ramp. He’s too late, and Michaels surrenders to end this nearly thirty minute horror of epic proportions. Wow, if only they had put them over in a good match, it might have meant something.
DUD I’m stunned. This is the new frontrunner for Worst Match of the Year. One of the very worst matches I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and that’s not hyperbole. All four guys did practically nothing except some very, very light brawling around the arena. None of the spots had continuity about them, nothing was particularly high impact, and there actually was no structure at all. Triple H and Shawn Michaels are two of the most talented wrestlers out there, and they clearly led the match, so it’s actually even more shameful then it seems. I know why your average ‘smart’ (ha) fan would like this. “Like OMG!11 they fought in the seatz! thats so gangsta1!”  Did they actually do anything cool while they were in the seats? Fuck no, they just punched, punched, and punched a little more. I’m actually not scoring against the ending, but even that blew. You have Triple H, a guy who survived being dropped twenty feet inside a car, being completely taken out by a shot from a cooler that clearly missed and one chair shot? Horseshit, says I.
And then there’s the production of the match. No, the score above doesn’t factor that in. You know, I almost gave this match a “no rating” due to it being unwatchable. It turned out it was unwatchable in more then one way, but really, if it had seemed like they were doing something other then NOTHING for the entire match, I would have gone that way. Who’s producing this shit now? Did the WWE fire everyone with talent and replace them with first-year college students in an attempt to save money? There’s fan-cam footage out there that’s better then this. The view kept zooming in and out like someone was playing a first person shooter and was trying (and failing) get a good shot off with their sniper rifle. They couldn’t even keep the important stuff in frame. Then, when both guys kept separating, the idiots kept cutting back and forth between shots of nothing and missing every thing that might have been good. WWE production has been bad for a while now. I think you can actually pinpoint the decline to around the time they switched to HD. Here, in what should have been an important match, it sunk to an epic low.
Everyone, top to bottom, wrestlers (especially DX), production, agents, and cameramen should all hang their heads in collective shame. This was a farce. And I’m not just saying this to get a reaction. I’m actually offended at how bad this match was.
And Paul Marshall gave this an A+. Paul, I can recommend a good shrink for you.
-Meanwhile, Randy Orton asks if he has a reaction to the previous match. He asks Josh Matthews to pull up a chair instead of gloating about being off the hook for his stink bomb from Summerslam. He then cuts a sleeping pill of a promo.
Match #4: Singapore Cane Match
The Great Khali vs. Kane
Rehash of: Summerslam ’09
I seriously just burst out laughing. Shawn Michaels and Triple H just went out and fucked the fans over more then they did at the ’97 Survivor Series and now the Great Khali has to go out and save the show. Kane brawls to start and gets punched in the corner. The dipshit cameraman is still around and now EVERYTIME his camera is being used the shots just continuously zoom in and out. Thankfully, this is his last appearance for the show. Hopefully someone took him out into the desert and shackled him to a boulder made of uranium. Shoot to the corner and Khali and Kane both grab a stick and they have a light saber duel. Khali seems to trip into Kane to make him drop his stick, then canes him across the back. I need something to drink. To the floor, where Kane takes the kendo stick from Khali and beats him with it. Back into the ring where Kane whacks him some more. Khali grabs a chokehold, then starts to swat off various shots, so Kane goes to the legs with the stick, then dropkicks his legs for two. Fans become hostile and hate-hoo this whole thing. Kane ties up Khali’s arm, but Khali hulks up and smacks him around. Both guys are covered in legitimate welts. It’s not really worth it, because the fans are shitting all over this. Brain chop by Khali gets two and the fans groan. Head vise by Khali, but Kane grabs a stick and whacks him in the head with it a few times. Kane climbs and whacks Khali off the top for two. BUT WAIT~! because Ranjin Singh runs in and smacks Kane with the stick. This only pisses Kane off and he attempts to kill Singh. Khali brain chops him again. The fans are ready to perform ritualistic suicide if necessary to end this. Khali goes to check on his brother and gets smacked by Kane and hung up on the ropes in what was the worst fucking hangman ever. Kane fires off a Chokeslam to a huge pop and that finishes.
DUD Another abortion. On the plus side, it was about twenty minutes shorter then the last match. Mathematically, I think that makes it twenty times better, right? What’s 20 x Rancid Ass?
-Meanwhile, CM Punk shows up and hopefully says something funny so that I don’t have to start cutting myself for entertainment. Punk talks about how nobody gives him a chance against the Undertaker, but nobody gave him a chance at Summerslam either. He then brags about how he retired Jeff and sent him off to get busted for drugs. “You’ll never see my mug shot posted all over the internet.” Love it. He busts on the semi-Frenchies in attendance, followed by saying he’s not intimidated by the Undertaker. Then the lights go out and he shits his pants. BUT WAIT~!! because it was just Jimmy Wang Yang. CM Punk goes to shake his hand, and then beats him down. He composes himself and says “As I was saying, I’m not intimidated by the Undertaker.” Punk is a fucking god.
Match #5: ECW Championship
(c) Christian vs. William Regal
Eh, I won’t call this one a rehash since we never got to see it the first time around. Regal has got his Jackson & Kozlov with him, but they get banned from ringside and have to leave. Neither guy sells this. I don’t think they’re capable of it. The word going around is the WWE wants to appear completely international and thus they’re encouraging Regal to wrestle a much more English style then he had previously been allowed to do. I’ve always loved the hard-hitting, chain wrestling stuff they do in Europe, but if someone without experience doing it can’t keep pace with it, it gets pretty ugly. So far, Regal has had mixed results on ECW, based on who his opponent is. This last Tuesday on ECW, he really stunk up the joint with Yoshi Tatsu. Here, he’s got Christian, who I’m obviously not a big fan of. North American audiences are not even close to warming up to Regal’s new (or in his case, original) style, and this crowd is not happy to begin with. But I’m cautiously optimistic.
Lockup and they roll around the ring. They trade shots and Christian goes for the Killswitch early again, but Regal avoids it. Lockup and Christian grabs a wristlock. Regal tries for an armdrag but Christian rolls through it and grabs a hammerlock. Regal tries for a backdrop but Christian turns it into a sunset flip for two. Shoot off and Christian gets a dropkick for two. They roll around on the mat, and then Regal dumps Christian through the ropes. He sticks the landing and comes back with some shots on the apron, then hits a crossbody off the top for two. Punches in the corner, then Regal shoves Christian out of the ring in a nice bump. He tosses Christian back into the ring with some punches and a bizarre cover for two. Stronghold by Regal, which Christian powers out of and hits a monkey-flip, then floats over for two. Double-knuckle lock pin sequence by Christian, then Regal nips up and hits his half-nelson suplex for two. Mexican surfboard with a dragon sleeper added to it, but Christian quickly fights out. Can’t blame him. That shit looked painful. Christian goes for a springboard sunset flip, but Regal rolls through it and knees him in the face for two. Full-nelson by Regal. The production fuckwits decide they haven’t been retards for a little bit so they fire off a replay in the middle of Regal hitting a Roman suplex for two. Regal grabs a clutch side-headlock, but Christian fights out and hits a tornado DDT for two. He charges into a brutal looking forearm for a two. William Regal covers like a bully, sitting on Christian’s chest and poking at his eyes. Very cool. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Regal instead hits a reverse fisherman’s suplex for two. Fans wince at that one. I loved it, but it was so cool that it should not have been used, because anyone kicking out of that is bullocks, as Regal would say. Slug out while we get a replay from another angle that indeed shows how vicious that move was. Christian hulks up and hits a flying forearm off the second rope, along with various other punches. Scoopslam and a diving elbow to Regal’s face gets two. Missile dropkick off the second rope, then he climbs all the way to the top, fights off Regal, then climbs again. Regal side-steps another missile dropkick and hits a rolling senton for two. Christian goes for the Killswitch but Regal fights off, but this time Christian avoids a running knee and finally hits the damn move for the pin.
**** Hey, big props to both guys here, especially Christian. I would have bet against him being able to follow Regal’s lead, and he really surprised me. And Regal really proved how smart he is by doing enough high impact stuff to pop the crowd enough to make it appear like they were actually awake. I’m guessing some people will think I’ve overrating this, and heck, maybe I am. Anything would look good following the last two puss-drinking matches. But I think the style they worked was spot-on and it actually went a long ways towards hiding Christian’s weaknesses. This was the first singles match of his I’ve really enjoyed in many years.
Whoa… I’ve praised MVP *and* Christian. On the same show. I must be getting sick.
-Pat Patterson comes to the ring to address the fans. He’s about to introduce John Morrison, but Dolph Ziggler comes out instead. Of course, this is all being done to eat up time because a match got dropped from the card. Let’s see, what match was that? Oh yeah, it was Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison. I guess Shawn Michaels and Triple H needed as much time as possible to be rotten tonight. Now that I think about it, every time Trips and Michaels work together and are given more then twenty minutes, they stink up the joint. They did it at Armageddon ’02 in their three stages of hell match. They did it at the ’04 Royal Rumble. They did it at Bad Blood ’04 in their hell in a cell match. And I’m sure they personally requested that time, because otherwise someone would have figured out by now that they have no idea how to fill it.
Anyway, Patterson jokes on how nobody talks about Ziggler, and then says he’s just fucking with him. Patterson starts to put him over and talks about how he could become the Intercontinental Champion someday. He wishes him luck. Ziggler is offended and grabs the microphone. “First Bob Barker, now Pat Patterson… when did this company get taken over by senior citizens?” Huge heat. “Who’s at home watching re-runs of the Golden Girls?” No heat for that one. Wouldn’t be shocked if at least a dozen people in the audience were like “Fuck! Is that actually on right now?” Another line bombs for Ziggy, this time a joke at Wilfred Brimley. “Does the retirement home know you snuck out?” Again, nothing. He’s batting .250, which is actually better then anyone else on the roster, sans Punk and Miz. Ziggler thought that Patterson had died, and then says he looks like a million bucks. He then jaws about him being a fossil, and talks about how he won the IC title from Abraham Lincoln. This is NOT working and he actually taps the microphone to ask if it’s on. “Actually, I was checking on your hearing aid.” The fans start to “WHAT” this shit. I feel bad for him. He’s drowning out there. Ziggler calls Patterson a coward, and then kicks him in the dick. Not cool. That dick has been in some of the finest asses this side of San Francisco. Ziggler goes to leave, comes back for the kill, and then John Morrison makes the save. And that’s it. Horrible segment. There have been some sweet non-match heel segments on pay per view in 2009, so this was a letdown.
Match #6: WWE Championship, “I Quit” Match
(c) Randy Orton vs. John Cena
REHASH OF: Backlash ’07 (four-way), Summerslam ’07, Unforgiven ’07, No Way Out ’08, Wrestlemania 24 (three-way), Backlash ’08 (four-way), Night of Champions ’09 (3-Way), Summerslam ’09
I’m sure booking an “I Quit” match in a city full of pseudo Frenchmen was someone’s idea of a joke. This would be the follow up to their disaster of a match from Summerslam, which just got defeated about fifty minutes ago for the 2009 worst match of the year winner. These guys have no chemistry with each other, so listening to John Cena go on Raw and talk about how legendary their feud had become made me wish I had the power to reach through my television screen and strangle him. And now they’re going to wrestle for an hour. And I have to review it in November. Pray for me.
Big stare down to start and Cena takes Orton to the corner with some shoulderblocks. Belly to belly suplex by Cena, then more brawling. Hard whip to the corner and then a fisherman’s suplex. Jeeez, maybe someone told them how slow and boring their last match was. Orton reverses a shoot-off and then ducks a flying shoulderblock. Cena ends up on the apron, where Orton rams him and knocks him off it and into the announce table. We’re about two minutes in and we’ve already had more action then their entire last match did. Orton stalks Cena around and acts like he’s in a psychotic trance. He loads up Cena for the rope-DDT, but pauses long enough to give him a chance to quit. Cena says no, so down he goes. Orton preps a chair while the fans have a chant duel. Orton loads up for a bulldog on the chair, but Cena shoves off and kicks the chair away. A pair of flying tackles and a protoplex by Cena. Five knuckle shuffle leads to the FU, but Orton grabs the ropes to block it. He ends up on the apron, where he gives Cena a hangman. This leads to Cena being in position for the Punt, but Cena avoids it and goes for the STFU. Orton escapes it and bails. Cena quickly catches him on the floor, only to be shot into the stairs. Orton picks up the stairs and whacks Cena with them. Randy places Cena’s face on the base of the stairs, and then starts to act all freaky as he measures a stomp. He then executes it. “My gosh” whimpers Lawler. Simplicity, folks. The ref asks Cena if he wants to quit, and he blurts out a quick ‘no’ instead of screaming it. Little touches. Orton bails under the ring and grabs some handcuffs, along with a key that’s attached to a necklace. This could be interesting. He handcuffs Cena to the ropes. Orton looks like a super villain as he wiggles the key around his neck. This is kind of awesome. Orton stomps away at the defenseless Cena, who still won’t quit. Orton takes the microphone and acts like he’s going to talk with it, but instead smacks Cena with it. He unlocks Cena from the rope, places the cuff on Cena’s free arm, and ties him to the ring post. Straight punches by Orton, sold perfectly by Cena. Orton gets worried that Cena might pass out, so he grabs a bottle of water and dumps it on him. The referee asks if he wants to quit. Cena spits water in Orton’s face in response. Orton is fucking pissed now, so he grabs a kendo stick and goes to town on him, finishing it off with a shot to the head. Cena still won’t quit, and now Orton’s eyes are bugging out. He starts to choke Cena with the stick, but John knees him in the balls. One of the best ball-shots I’ve seen in wrestling. Cena’s chest is covered in very visible welts, but he manages to get himself off the post, but he’s still handcuffed. Orton destroys Cena with a chair to the head, and then changes the cuffs so that Cena is tied to the bottom rope. Orton grabs a chair and smashes Cena in the back with it. He still won’t quit. Orton starts to have a nervous breakdown. Cena is holding himself up by the post, so Orton takes aim. He misses and injures himself. Cena backdrops him, then gets the key and frees himself. Huge heat for him on this, as the fans are totally digging this whole sequence. Cena gets them back on his side by handcuffing himself to Orton. He slugs it out and slams Orton all around on the outside, then brings it back in the ring. Backdrop and some mounted punches, then a few knees in the back. Cena looks like he has bad intentions, so I’m a bit miffed when he simply goes for the FU. Orton turns this into the RKO. The key is on the other side of the ring, so he now has to drag Cena to it. He can’t quite make it, then Cena suddenly slaps on the STFU, to which Orton quickly surrenders from. Damn, that ending sucked after all the brutality of before.
****1/2 These were the same two guys who had the worst match in Summerslam history? Hey, I’m as fucking amazed as you are. This was one of the best structured matches I’ve seen from the WWE in years, right up until the finish. I normally don’t score against bad endings, but in this case I have no choice. After Orton started to play wrestling’s version of a “Saw†movie, to have Cena submit him so quickly and without any buildup completely deflated me. Otherwise, everything here clicked. The angle this match used was so very perfect, and Orton’s psychotic ticks and facial expressions really helped put it over. Hell, imagine how fucking sweet this would have been in the WWE had not lost its balls and allowed them to bleed. Why, oh why could this have not had a better ending? I would have voted it match of the year over Undertaker/Michaels. For real. The stuff with Orton and the key was so unique and I’m really impressed at how good Orton has become at selling this character he’s created. This was a big winner and should have been the main event. Summerslam’s match was slow-paced, soft-hitting, and had no psychology. Here they started out fast and only slowed down for bits when Orton was getting himself over as a fucking nutjob. Crappy brawling was replaced by some incredibly stiff stuff. And psychology? Randy Orton was very impressive here in his timing and ability to keep the fans guessing.  Wonderful match that felt like an unfinished masterpiece. Randy Orton has officially arrived.
Gee, maybe an Iron Man match won’t be so bad. Oh, and Marshall gave this a D+. I have to wonder if he scores are based on actual quality or on the wrestlers he likes going over. Because this match, bad ending aside, was incredible.
Match #7: World Heavyweight Championship, Submission Match
(c) CM Punk vs. The Undertaker
I admit, I cheated on my ‘Don’t watch the matches until the DVD comes out’ rule for this one because I wanted to be able to talk about it on my podcast. And I ended up getting a lot of hate mail because I was ‘too easy’ on the Undertaker. You know what? They were right.
Punk enters first, then bails out of the ring to sell Undertaker’s entrance using this perfect mixture of facial expressions. He’s both defiant and scared at the same time. It’s so perfect. This guy really is the next mega-star, and he belongs in the main event of Wrestlemania 26. He’s certainly earned it. The fans absolutely boo the shit out of Punk. We’ve gone years without anyone actually getting over as a heel on this level, and Punk has done it in only the span of a couple months.
The bell rings and Punk immediately bails to the biggest boos of the night. He comes back in and avoids a lockup, then goes crazy with some punches and kicks. All the shots looked amazing, but Undertaker is an MMA Zombie and not easily punched out, so he grabs Punk and slings him out of the ring. Awesome spot thanks to CM Punk having his flying shoes on. Punk shits his tights again from this and runs for his life. He dives back in the ring and gets a few shots in, but Taker clotheslines him. Taker brawls him to the corner and stomps away. It becomes obvious that Undertaker can’t stand up straight without being in pain. I don’t get why they brought him back so soon from hip surgery. Didn’t anyone realize he would be like this? They could have found someone else for Punk to feud with while they waited for Batista. Throw him in a quickie feud with John Morrison or something. Taker stomps away on Punk’s body, and then dumps him through the ropes. Punk tries to fight back, but Taker punches him down. Punk tries to fight back again, and again Undertaker cuts him off. A kick to the face takes Punk down to the canvas. He whips him into the rail, but misses a running boot and crotches himself. And again, this is a move Taker has done a lot of times, but now it looks pretty bad, because he’s not flexible enough anymore to actually do the spot right.
Punk comes in and stomps away to HUGE heat. He grabs a chair and kills Taker with it, once with a shot to the gut and one with a shot to the face. Taker doesn’t really bother to sell this and simply crawls back into the ring. Oh dear, Undersized Dick is back, named as such because he’s clearly trying to make up for something with this bullshit. Back in the ring, Punk hits the running knee and goes for the bulldog, but Taker throws him off and sends him to the corner. Taker grabs a wristlock and cranks it around, firing off some shoulderblocks in the process. He goes for the rope-walk, but Punk crotches him. Not really, as Taker falls across the ropes on his stomach before putting himself into a sitting position. Taker fights off Punk, so CM comes in with a dropkick to the face. Superplex hits and we have a double KO. We end up having a slug-off. What the fuck, serpico? Why did Punk’s offensive move lead to the babyface comeback brawl? That makes no damn sense. Taker wins out and drops Punk, then sends him from pillar to post. Snake eyes and the big boot, followed by a leg drop. Taker almost covers for the pin, but catches himself and instead calls for the Chokeslam. Punk fires off a roundhouse kick to block it, and then crawls over into Undertaker’s Hell’s Gate for the submission. Well, that fucking blows. Taker celebrates by fucking YAWNING. 2:48:28 in the DVD. Watch it yourself. I take back everything I said about Undertaker cutting out the bullshit, because the insecure little child is back.
BUT WAIT~!! because after making CM Punk look like a panty waist for the entire match without giving him anything back, Teddy Long comes out to say that the Hell’s Gate was banned the previous year by Vickie Guerrero, and it was never actually lifted. Thus, the match must continue. You know, I thought chair shots were banned in general as well, but this is a submission-only match. What are they going to do, DQ him? Punk returns to the ring and immediately gets booted in the face. Wedgie Bomb attempt by Undertaker doesn’t work and Punk wiggles free, clips his leg, and slaps on the Anaconda Vise, and the bell rings before it’s even hooked on. Yep, the Montreal Finish. The announcers go silent like this wasn’t part of the show. Teddy Long is out with this stern look on his face, while Punk plays his part by acting like this was a big deal. He then reaches for a tampon for his ass, because he just got his shit pushed in and needs to let the clotting start.
1/2* Well, if the mission of this match was to make CM Punk look like one of those so-called ‘enhancement talent’ guys, mission accomplished. I must not have been paying attention when I watched this live, because it sure seemed like Punk got in a bit more offense then he did. In fact, the match was 90% for Undertaker and a whopping 10% for Punk, who was the heel. Mind you, this was the main event and CM Punk is the World Champion. And he’s clearly become the most over heel the WWE has had since Triple H in 2000, which was damn near ten years ago. I don’t get it at all. He wasn’t even given two offensive moves in a row. If the WWE felt this strongly about Punk’s worth, they should have just made this twenty seconds long and given Taker the belt. At least that way Punk’s burial would already be complete and he could go back to having decent matches in the midcard. Fucking pitiful. And from what I’ve heard, their rematch at Hell in a Cell was even more of a squash. I would like to give Undertaker the benefit of the doubt, but his history prevents that. Given the evidence presented here, it sure seems like he wants to add CM Punk to the list of careers he has ruined.
BONUS FEATURES
-Highlights of Bob Barker on Raw. Because WWE Raw is not a wrestling show. It’s an action-adventure-comedy-drama-episodic-thingy and it needs to have guest stars just like a real show does. It runs about two and a half minutes and ends with Chavo Guerrero getting punked out by an 80+ year-old game show host. Fun.
-We also get to see Chris Jericho and Big Show brag about retaining their title. Big Show talks about how unbeatable they are, and how they could take over the company if they wanted. Jericho is sick of the disrespect they are getting. Both guys bitch about the guest hosts on Raw, then Jericho talks about how they are unstoppable. Pretty generic. Runs about a minute.
BOTTOM LINE: Well, that was a rollercoaster of a show. It started off pretty good, with a quality tag match and US title match. Then the breaks got put on as we had to endure the torture that was Legacy/DX for thirty agonizing minutes. I figured the show was done for, but then two guys I never expected to save a show became the WWE’s saviors: Christian and Randy Orton. The ECW title match, completely different from anything the WWE has put on PPV all year, rocked the house. And then Randy Orton comes out and proves that he’s for real and blows my mind with one of the most amazing psychological wars we’ve had in years. Leave it to Undertaker to nearly ruin a show by going back to being all insecure and having to prove he’s got a big cock by squashing the shit out someone, even though his time is clearly up. But it doesn’t ruin the show for me. Two **** matches, and Orton/Cena is absolutely in the MUST SEE category. The streak of bad shows has ended at three, because Breaking Point gets a thumbs up. As bad as DX/Legacy or Punk/Taker was, they couldn’t drag down everything else.
Retire now, Undertaker. You had a good run and people had started to forgive you for being such a cocksucker your entire career. Don’t blow it by being you.
