For Your Considerationâ€¦Something, Something, Something, Izzle
Yeah, itâ€™s another Monday Night, which means two hours of poorly executed comedy skits bumpered by three minute matches featuring guys you either despise or are indifferent about. Can you feel the excitement?
Before I begin, I wanna touch on Shane McMahonâ€™s departure for a moment. I, like most of the good, honest wrestling world out there, viewed Shane as the lesser of all evils. If we were given a choice, Iâ€™m sure weâ€™d all want to see Shane on television over Stephanie, Vince or Congressman Linda. While that doesnâ€™t sound like a real ringing endorsement, I assure you that itâ€™s high praise.
Shane McMahon really had no choice but to leave the WWE. Heâ€™s the next generation of a family that really has nothing but contempt for its product, so his departure isnâ€™t really a true shock. The stories are always told that Vince was ashamed of wrestling, and that his desperate attempts to rebrand it Sports Entertainment were equal parts placating advertisers and pandering to the media world so that they would embrace his travelling freak show. Since Vince and Linda were never truly embraced by the world of phonies they desperately sought the approval of, they decided to make the best of being branded wrasslinâ€™ folks while they lived in a mansion and flew around the world in a private jet.
Shane and Stephanie really didnâ€™t have any choice but to be part of their fatherâ€™s bizarre world. Both kids worked at various levels in the WWE, with Shane doing everything from ring crew to referee to announcer to head of New Media. He didnâ€™t seem to have a true passion for the booking end of the company, but he seemed to embrace the idea that he could turn the WWE into a multimedia empire the likes of which his father could never imagine. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, no matter how many deals he brokered or how many ground breaking ventures he entered into, he was still in the wrestling business.
For those people who are career driven, their goal is to be the top of the rock. In the WWE, Shane was never going to be the true heir apparent. Stephanie and her HHHusband became the golden children because they showed that they could script wrestling shows long after Vince finally succumbed to what appears to be a decade building stroke. Shane, on the other hand, would be the guy slaughtering the cows in the back while Steph and Hunter served the steaks to poppa. There was no chance that Shane was going to be the head of the WWE outright. If he stayed, heâ€™d be, at best, a co-owner with his sister. His sister, by the way, who is responsible for the content that he has to go out and peddle. Shane made the right move now trying to go out on his own. If he does in fact follow Linda on her path to Congress, then maybe he will get a chance to be a policy maker in D.C. If he follows his wifeâ€™s family into the Mazola company, heâ€™ll be a respected leader in a quality product.
Look, itâ€™s not like Shane is going away forever. Sure, heâ€™s stepping away from his role as the guy who ensures that kids in Japan and India can watch Smackdown, but heâ€™ll always be a McMahon. Shaneâ€™s legacy for the fans is enduring. Without Shane, we would never have learned that pretty much anyone can do a Van Terminator. Without Shane, there would be no Mean Street Posse. Without Shane, there would be no bad commentator barometer. Without Shane, there would be no one to release the chicken that Vince had to chase. Without Shane, there would be no insanely sick bumps taken by a silver spooned kid who should know better. Without Shane there would have been no consistent (and mind boggling) pushes for Test. Without Shane, there would be no car battery to the testicles.
Goodbye Shane. Despite being covered in shit, having your nuts zapped, putting over Steve Blackman and associating yourself with Pete Gas, you somehow are leaving the WWE with a measure of dignity. Well done sir, well done.
Alright, enough of this. For more Shane hilarity (and your constant For Your Consideration updates), you can follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316.
â€œHulkamania is running wild all across that country that plays knifey-spooney.â€
Weâ€™re starting right with the crowd in Jacksonville as Justin Roberts introduces a â€œmovie starâ€, â€œrecording artistâ€ and apparently CEO, Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg rolls out in a pimped out pink car and sure enough, in the first thirty seconds, we get eight â€œizzlesâ€. Snoop Dogg, Eve and the Bella Twins roll out of the car as we pretend that this is remotely relevant to anything. Seriously, the fake enthusiasm Cole and Lawler have is borderline uncomfortable. Next thing you know, Bill Watts is gonna come out and put Snoop over.
So Snoop and the Divas are dancing in the ring in what appears to be businesswomen costumes on loan from a porn shoot. Snoop Dogg talks about how heâ€™s a huge WWE fan and that heâ€™s in business mode and that RAW is going to embarrass Smackdown. Thatâ€™s right, the show that features Morrison, Punk and Ziggler is going to be embarrassed by the show with Chavo, Primo and Hornswoggle.
Snoop reminds us that Cena and Hunter is booked for tonight. Also, weâ€™ve got Randy Orton against Ted DiBiase and Chris Jericho versus Shawn Michaels. Snoop Dogg asks if weâ€™re ready and then introduces DX. When youâ€™re using your celebrity to put over guys who donâ€™t need to be put over, you know youâ€™re doing something right.
Shawn and Hunter scurry out with glowsticks as we try desperately to remember a time when DX was actually cool and edgy. I think the best mini-feud DX had was when they faced Miz and Morrison, because at least those guys called out DX for being frauds before they got jobbed out. Oh, it should be pointed out that Shawn appears to be wearing a DX ascot, which makes me embarrassed to just watch him.
Hunter does kiss-up stuff to get a cheap pop for Snoop Dogg before pointing out that people tend to use izzle a lot when heâ€™s around. Shawn then talks all black and itâ€™s funny. We then get absolutely awful comedy for a team that used to be the most dangerous men on the stick. HHH goes into full pimp mode by talking about Bragging Rights.
We get a shot of Team Smackdown. Hunter buries each guy one by one. First, thereâ€™s Jericho, who both HHH and HBK beat at Wrestlemania. They move onto Kane and bring up Katie Vick. We move on to Cryme Time, who get minimal pops. â€œThey can be seen in the parking lot trying to sell Smackdownâ€™s unused tickets.â€ Look, Iâ€™m all for a little back-and-forth, but drawing comparisons between your own show and Nitro isnâ€™t going to do anybody any favors. Dolph Ziggler is next and actually draws a decent boo pop before HHH says he forgot his name. Hunter then says he has no idea who Drew McIntyre and Eric Escobar are. HHH then says that Teddy Long must have sold off the last two spots.
Shawn puts over Drew McIntyre and then pretends to not know who the Spanish guy fucking Vickie Guerrero is. Hunter then says that Escobar parked his car, which is about as racist as you can get on TV-PG. We get a joke about Hunter nailing Stephanie thatâ€™s about as weak as it gets.
We now move on to introduce Team RAW. So Big Show wants to kill DX. Cody Rhodes wants to kill DX. Jack Swagger wants to kill Kofi Kingston. Mark Hey-Hey-Henryâ€¦uhâ€¦is probably just hungry. No, this makes sense to pt all these guys in the ring as friends. Hey Shawn, remember when Cody tried to kill you on three PPVs?
Hunter calls Big Show fat and calls Mark Henry Kool-Aid. Hip, hip stuff. Shawn says that he likes Jack Swagger before saying American a lot. Duck-Billed Rhodes takes the microphone away from Shawn to get pissy before HHH buries him again. Cody points out that heâ€™s gonna do what he wants to do and that heâ€™s the true team captain. Cody promises to tag no one in and beat Smackdown on his own. Who do you think you are, Triple H?
Big Show takes umbrage at this and demands respect. Show promises to destroy Rhodes and anyone else that gets in his way. Man, I hope he turns on them and gives Smackdown the win. Wait, Hey-Hey Henry decides that he wants to get in Big Showâ€™s face before Jack Swagger jumps in to put himself over. Jack then takes the microphone away form his mouth before he finishes talking, which looked terrible. Kofi Kingston calms everyone down andâ€¦wowâ€¦he sounds incredibly white. HHH then calls him out and asks where his Jamaican accent is. Tonight we have a five on five tag team match, and whoever gets pinned loses their spot to the person who pins them. Zuh?
MVP, Primo, Bourne, Chavo and Masters are out now as J.O.B. Squad 2009 as we go toâ€¦
Weâ€™re back as Chavo is in there with Kingston. Hey, letâ€™s embrace the fact that there hasnâ€™t been a midget or Santino yet on this show. I will also give the WWE props on the fact that the Jobber team members are all wearing Bragging Rights shirts. Show and Henry are fighting over who got tagged in and so Cody Rhodes wanders in to get his ass kicked by Chavo. Chavo tags Porter as we try to remember back when we all thought MVP was going to be the next great thing in wrestling.
Bourne is in quickly and seriously, why the hell didnâ€™t they take a shot and let him appear on the PPV? Primo is in now just to remind us how much he sucks. Cole calls the Smackdown team a formidable team before Cody hits CrossRhodes on Primo. Swagger tags himself in and pins Primo. Hey, not only was it quick, but Primo lost to boot!
Team RAW starts beating the crap out of each other, culminating in Big Show spearing Mark Henry. Oh no, now RAW might lose in a seven-on-seven match that means absolutely nothing! How can I give the company my forty bucks?
Jerry â€œWrestling Mayor, thatâ€™ll be the dayâ€ Lawler and tie-less cabana shirt wearing Cole throw us back to a replay of Cena/Orton from last week. You watched it, you read my review, I think we can skip this over.
Josh Matthews is in the back with Teddy DiBiase. Teddy says that heâ€™s a competitor and wanted to win the match. Apparently Randy hasnâ€™t returned his calls but, oh wait, heâ€™s standing right next to them. I find it hard to believe they didnâ€™t notice him. Randy says that if he were Teddy, but then pauses. Possible finishes to that sentence: If I were you, Iâ€™d be even worse at promos than I was. If I were you, Iâ€™d show that talent really isnâ€™t genetic. If I were you, Iâ€™d have hair. If I were you, I would have passed on The Marine 2.
Weâ€™re back and Teddy is back to the land of no entrances. Yay. Randy Orton is out next with his superâ€¦slowâ€¦walkâ€¦toâ€¦theâ€¦ring. Just like that, the RAW overrun is going past 11:11.
Randy gets in Teddyâ€™s face, and for a brief moment it looked like this was going to turn into a romantic comedy. Will Teddy face Orton or will he lay down? Guess weâ€™ll never know because Randy just kicked Teddy. Oh, and Teddy isnâ€™t gonna fight back. I guess they want the crowd to react when Teddy does some sort of offense, but that would require caring about Ted. Seriously, why did the WWE bother putting Legacy over DX if they intended to turn Cody into a petulant bitch and Teddy as a plucky midcard future Charlie Haas minus the attractive wife?
So Randy is stomping on Teddy and asks if he wants to hit him. When did he turn into Boss Vic Koss from â€œThat Thing You Do!â€ (for the two people whoâ€™ll get that reference, youâ€™re welcome). Sure enough, Teddy gets in Randyâ€™s face and the crowd kinda cheers. The audience wants to see Teddy pop Randy and they are letting this simmer, until finally Teddy shoves Orton down. Whatâ€™s the point of this? Teddy is shaking like heâ€™s about to bawl like a child, and the look heâ€™s giving Randy couldnâ€™t be gayer if he were actually blowing him. Whatâ€™s the point of putting Cody and Teddy in situations where they look like they are going to turn only to have them stay with Orton? Youâ€™re blowing your big future â€œmomentâ€ when they do break away and it means something.
Jesus, Orton just grabbed Teddy by the chin like every man did to Sandra Bullock in every single rom-com sheâ€™s ever been in, but instead of planting a wet one on him, he hits the RKO. Somewhere in the snow of Canada, Pat Patterson is a satisfied man.
Cole and Lawler throw to a package on the legendary Captain Lou Albano. He was one of the best ever, period. He truly shows that male managers are a lost art. This is a great package, featuring shots of the British Bulldogs, Snuka, George Steele, US Express and even a shot from â€œSuper Marioâ€™s Super Show.â€
We get shots of the Jacksonville Jaguars, who show that they can sit and point a lot better than they can play football. We then get a sneak peak of Snoopâ€™s new â€œsongâ€ before seeing him in the back with the Divas. Hornswoggle shows up in the HBK cowboy hat before Chavo wanders into the skit to fulfill his contractual obligation of being humiliated.
Chavo begs to be on the RAW team before Ms. Piggy Hall demands a title shot before singing â€œGin and Juice.â€ Santino then pops up dressed as Charlie Brown. Alright, that was cute. Snoop throws out the â€œcomedyâ€ crew before asking Eve for his bag. He then pulls out what is not at all a bong and we get a â€œtechnical difficultiesâ€ bumper with Cole hugging Hornswoggle. Weâ€™re back and thereâ€™s smoke coming fromâ€¦candles! Get it? Candles! They make you think that itâ€™s marijuana but itâ€™s really scented candles. Hilarious! I now wanna order Bragging Rights.
Cena is in the back looking aimless as we go toâ€¦
Cena is out first for what could be his final appearance ever on RAW. Forever. For-eh-ver. What? Sandlotâ€™s not timely?
Triple H is out now and heâ€™s all super cereal and not in DX mode, so we know he means bidness, as Dusty Rhodes would say. Well, not say so much as lisp, but you get the idea. I see the trademark logo pop up on the screen, which means itâ€™s time for Cole to remind us what show weâ€™re watching. Thanks Cole. I know THC makes peopleâ€™s memories fade, but even Snoop Dogg remembered what show heâ€™s pretend hosting.
I find it a bit odd that a former Wrestlemania main event is airing at ten oâ€™clock. I smell a screw-job finish. Cena and Hunter start off pretending to wrestle like this is a real match as we count down the seconds to either an Orton run-in or a Jericho run-in or both. Or neither. I donâ€™t know, nor do I really care. If the WWE decides to have Cena lose, theyâ€™ve got an interesting situation on their hands.
As Cena locks in this headlock, allow me to explain. If Cena loses to Orton through the DQ chicanery, he would wind up on Smackdown. While on Friday Nights, you could have Batista finally turn heel and have Cena and Mysterio carry the face banner so that Taker can wrestle a light schedule. Then, we can see Cena/Punk, Cena/Jericho and Cena/Batista, until he toils for a Rumble win so that he can get revenge on the man who cost him his slot on RAW, Randy Orton. Then, after Mania, Cena can make his triumphant return to Monday Nights.
Or, you know, he could beat Orton and they could wrestle again next month.
Hunter is now hammering away on Cena in the corner as we get some standard back and forth between two guys trying to make this look like a serious match without actually doing anything. Hunter goes for the Pedigree but Cena throws him over the top rope and hurtling towardsâ€¦
Weâ€™re back as Hunter is burying his shoulder into Cenaâ€™s stomach as Lawler tries to beat into our skulls that Cenaâ€™s Ironman Match will last an hour. Or, to put it another way, you know how long that Chris Masters/Mark Henry match felt from Superstars last week? It kinda feels like that.
Cena goes for the STFU but Hunter gets to the ropes. Cena hits the Fisherman Suplex and then goes for the Bulldog but Hunterâ€¦you knowâ€¦just moves out of the way. Now heâ€™s going for the Pedigree but Cena turns it into the STFU. Hunter now begins to crawl towards the bottom rope as the crowd doesnâ€™t know quite what to do. Cena drags him back to the center of the ring but Hunter squirms free. HHH now hits the Pedigree. Cena gets his foot on the bottom rope and these guys are moving towards a decent little RAW match as we move towardâ€¦
Cena is hitting the shoulder blocks and now weâ€™re in the Five Moves of Mediocrity as John goes for the You Canâ€™t See Me and the Five Knuckle Shuffle into the FU but HHH gets out and hits the high knee, which is, of course, vintage HHH. Gawdamnit Cole.
Cena hits a second Pedigree on Cena but apparently weâ€™re in Wrestlemania mode because Cena kicks out. Cena gets the FU out of nowhere for two. Well, both guys have no-sold the other oneâ€™s finishing move, which means I expect the run-in any minute. Cena is on the top rope but misses the leg drop. Pedigree Number three gets reversed to an FU but thereâ€™s another Pedigree andâ€¦HHH wins? What the hell was the point of this? Either Cena is really leaving RAW or they want us to get over the shock of seeing Cena getting pinned.
Cena looks all emotional as Orton starts staring at Cena on the monitor with the same hungry/gay look he gave Teddy. Seriously, this is getting out of hand.
We get a replay of the great Dirt Sheet from Smackdown, where Jannetty officially became the biggest insult ever.
Miz is out now and his opponent is some jobber before Snoop Dogg pops up on the Tron. Mizâ€™s opponent isâ€¦Marty Jannetty? Seriously? No fucking way are they giving him another shot. Take THAT, Jeff Hardy.
Marty gets some token offense before Miz murders him with a clothesline. Well, say what you want about Marty, he hasnâ€™t looked completely lost tonight. Janetty goes to the second rope and hits the fist drop. Miz hits the Stun Gun and the SCF for the win. Well, Marty didnâ€™t kill Miz, so weâ€™ll call that win all around.
Maybe on Smackdown Morrison can fight Stevie Ray.
Chavo and Jillian Hall are commiserating in the back for some reason. My guess is that theyâ€™re comparing notes on whoâ€™s been humiliated more on RAW.
RAW Fact: Itâ€™s been on a really fucking long time.
Tramp Stamp Title match time as Jillian Hall is now apparently with Chavo. Her opponent is Melina, who almost bites it as sheâ€™s walking up the steps. Awful, awful stuff here.
Jillian goes for the handstand move before Melina blocks it and Chavo distracts Melina before Hornswoggle attacks Chavo dressed like Ice Cube. Oh, and Melina won. Snoop Dogg runs out to save Hornswoggle before Chavo throws him down. Chavo shoves Snoop Dogg and I just want to point out that the former ECW Champion just sold big time for a rapper. Careful Chavo, Snoop most certainly has had nothing to do with any murders. Snoop Dogg takes Chavo down again and at some point this has to end. I thought for the longest time that this was gonna end with Chavo becoming the new GM, but at this point I just donâ€™t know.
Cole and Lawler pretend to dance as we pimp White Collar. It was either that or Pacific Blue.
Weâ€™re back and the Official Bragging Rights song sounds like the same nonsense we always get.
This is followed up with a video recap of Cena/Orton before Cole and Lawler run down the entire Bragging Rights card. Iâ€™ll use this time to plug the Rasslin Roundtable thatâ€™ll be up this Sunday.
Weâ€™re back and here comes Chris Jericho in a Smackdown t-shirt. When did this turn into the Draft?
Shawn Michaels saunters out now as Cole and Lawler put over the fact that no one says RAW more than Shawn Michaels. Sure, why not. Jericho has the microphone and he lets us know that his new goal is to humiliate Shawn Michaels and the RAW team. This then leads to the Cryme Time music and sure enough, here comes Cryme Time. Shawn tries to bail but Kane shows up wit the rest of Team Smackdown.
All of Smackdown is in the ring but then the DX music hits and Triple H shows up. Thatâ€™s right, we might get to watch DX flatten all of Smackdown. No, wait, here comes the RAW team, who seems to have kissed and made up.
Hunter says that Team RAW can agree on one thing, that DX holds them down. Wait, I mean they donâ€™t like Smackdown. My bad.
Wait, for some reason Vickie Guerrero just showed up and the crowd goes apeshit. Wow can she draw heat.
Vickie promises that DX will get a fight but that it wonâ€™t happen until the PPV. HHH realizes he doesnâ€™t work for Vickie and then all hell breaks loose and we fade to black.
See you at the Roundtable!
This has been for your consideration.
Tags: Andrew Wheeler, big show, chris jericho, DX, For Your Consideration, john cena, randy orton, shawn michaels, triple h, WWE