Junk News, Huzzah!

Hi gang! I’m rested and refreshed and ready to once again rock the wrestling world with my brand of hard hitting journalism. About pro wrestling. Sigh.

Let us begin with the TNA spoilers, since a bit of the column will deal with the debut of Wolf Desmond, the animal with the first name last name.

Kurt Angle comes out and basically ends the main event mafia. He looks around TNA and sees wrestlers like AJ Styles, Eric Young, Scott Steiner and Matt Morgan all growing up. They’re becoming men, and Kurt Angle wants to make it official. Angle forsakes wrestling and declares himself a rabbi, saying he will Bar Mitzvah all of the up and coming wrestlers.

Team 3D and Rhino come out and bicker for a bit. Rhino is mad that there are new main event wrestlers, and Team 3D is upset Rhino tried and failed to cost them whatever titles they won at the PPV. I don’t know how it was resolved.

AJ Styles vs, Samoa Joe vs. Daniels is the main event for Turning Point. HUGE score. HUGE. I might actually go watch a TNA PPV again.

Homicide fights Amazing Red. In a fight between murder and a piece of gum, I’d pick murder most of the time.

Matt Morgan fights Scott Steiner in a battle of the up and coming stars. Scott Steiner harrasses Krystal Marshall which angered my least favorite professional wrestler ever, Bobby Lashley So Bobby Lashley and Matt Morgan are in the same program? This is going to create a vortex of suck that will destroy professional wrestling as we know it.

Joe and Nash fight AJ and Daniels in a really good match except when Nash is in.

The Beautiful People do a little skit. Sounds like we’re settling into the comedy portion of the evening. A little Kevin Nash, a little Beautiful People. Nothing like some light entertainment. They should follow this with a woman’s match.

And they do! It’s between Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed and… oh. Oh no. It sounds kinda violent.

Hernandez kicks the snot out of Rhino, then Rhino attacks him but Team 3D runs in for the save. Wouldn’t Rhino be too beat up after losing a match to attack the winner? I guess no.

Nigel McGuinness shows up and beats the crap out of Kurt Angle. His new name is Wolf Desmond. Why not Desmond Wolf? Doesn’t Demond Wolf sound a little better? Anyway, alot more on this in a bit.

Beer Money wins the tag titles from Brittish Invasion in a tag match by disqualification. IN A CAGE MATCH. Come on Russo! You almost had me, and then you do this. Just stupid.

Angle goes to the ring and demands Wolf Desmond come down and face him. Long story short, McGuiness jumps him from behind.

And the main event? Motor City Machine Guns versus Lethal Consequences in an Ultimate X match. That’s reasonably awesome.

Okay! So. This looks like a GREAT episode of Impact. I haven’t watched any TNA at all lately, but I might tune in for this show. Wrestlers I like getting pushes, big main events, and a huge get for TNA in Nigel McGuiness.

It’s a hard call to say whether or not Nigel did the right thing. The money he could potentially make in WWE dwarves his potential TNA income. The work load for TNA is going to be much less than it would have been in the WWE. In WWE he probably would have started out fighting Golddust and Yoshi Tatsu, the new number one contender for the ECW championship. In TNA he’s going to headline the first PPV he’s on versus the best wrestler in their company. I’m not sure there has ever been a Brittish WWE heavyweight champion, and in TNA they’ll put their belt on anyone of any color or ethnicity. TNA might have saddled Nigel with a ridiculous name, but we can all agree his WWE name would have been far worse. From all indications, TNA looks like the best place for Nigel.

Of course, news has just broken that it was the only place for Nigel since he failed a prescreening. I bet it concerns his numerous injuries and maybe his use of steroids.

Bryan Danielson, meanwhile, should definitely go to WWE. They’ll team him up with Hornswoggle. It’ll be fantastic.

Hulk Hogan’s new book will have a chapter in it where he said he tried to commit suicide with xanax and rum, or as my friend Brian calls it, pregaming. Hogan was then saved by Muhammed Ali’s daughter. So, add suicidal to the list of terrible traits that define Hulk Hogan.

RVD gave an interview where he said Vince Russo and Dixie Carter were perfectly nice if a little corporate. He added, “Dixie looks like she’d give great head. Wanna hit this?” RVD would love TNA and their collection of drug using hippies.

Terrible news! Booker T is gone from TNA! OH GOD! OH GOD! WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHAT THE HELL? FIRST THIS HORRIBLE WASTED LIFE, AND NOW BOOKER T IS GONE FROM TNA? NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Huge news, as Lex Luger gave an interview to WWE.com saying he found Jesus. AND BONED HIM!

Someone from the creative team let it leak that the reason they’re not using Carlito is he doesn’t seem to care or contribute ideas. Isn’t the team supposed to come up with ideas? I mean, they are “creative”.

I’ll help: If John Cena wins the Iron Man match, Carlito interferes in his match the next night on RAW, replacing Ted Dibiase in Legacy. Carlito is jealous of how they’ve both been there the same amount of time but John Cena is a champion. Carlito would make a nice little surprise challenger for the title. If Randy Orton wins, Carlito interupts his celebration to pretend to join Legacy, but instead backstabs Orton. He loses a match against Orton that night and is beat down by Cody Rhodes with a chair or something. Then those two are in a program.

It’s not rocket science people. You don’t even need to give these people a reason to dislike one another. Carlito can wrestle and he can cut a promo. He should be on tv somewhere. Maybe in Matt Hardy’s spot.

Let’s spoil Smackdown and post this thing as news.

Jericho drones on about the dumb 7 man match at the PPV. You know what would be great? If Christian led down a group of jobbers to make it a triple threat match. Christian and the jobbers take on the world, and Zach Ryder gets the pinfall! Woo woo woo indeed.

The weak ass Smackdown team is replaced by a slightly less weak ass team of Matt Hardy, Finlay, R-Truth and the Hart Lega… Dynasty. Finally, Matt Hardy is back on PPV! And undoubtably jobbing.

Morrison fights Knox and cuts a witty little promo. Poor Knox. I thought he had a little something going on. Nope.

Scott Armstrong has a bunch of skits with Vince McMahon about screwing the Undertaker. Mmmm. I mean, no. That does not turn me on.

Mae Young showed up to slap Michelle McCool. So that’s her final WWE appearance before she dies.

Kane and Jericho fight BatRey in a match I won’t watch if the Yankees have a playoff game that night.

Mickey James kicks the living piss out of Layla.

Undertaker jobs out CM Punk, that little no talent bitch.

Thanks for reading! Only positive comments below. Seriously. If you didn’t like the column, Widro or Matthew Michaels would love to hear from you. Not me. I don’t care. I don’t care at all. I don’t get paid for this, I barely enjoy it and I don’t care if you live or die. So shut up. And yeah, I posted this as news. It’s filled with news. Filled with it.

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