Ted’s telling the kids that Robin’s Canadian. This means she dresses a little differently (summer clothes when everyone else is bundling up), talks a little different (something about a “garberator”), hung out at different bars (the Hosier Hut), and enjoyed her leisure time a little differently (cut to a fight in a bar). Still, Robin’s convinced that the Great White North is the greatest country on Earth. Barney leads a chant in the bar (USA USA). Robin, eager to prove that people will chant along with anything, tries to start her own “Can-A-Da” cheer and falls flat. Barney gets up and starts another one “Shrimp Fried Rice.” Point goes to Barney.
Ted runs in and tells Marshal that their favorite pizzeria (in Chicago!) is closing. Gazola’s is a “filthy mecca of spectacular if undercooked pizza.” When they were in college, Ted and Marshall used to do these all-night road trips there to eat pizza. Twenty-two hours, no map, they were like Lewis and Clark, “if L&C peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.” It was the trips that turned the boys into “bros.” They ate jerkey, drank Tantrum — one of those HIGHLY caffeinated sodas like Jolt that turned mice into the Incredible Hulk, well, at least until their little bodies exploded — and listened to nothing but “500 Miles” on the Fiero’s stereo.
The trips were brutal, but the boys figure one more time wouldn’t hurt.
The next morning, Ted’s clearly found a rogue can of Tantrum. He’s psyched about the trip because ever since he got married, Marshall’s turned from an “I” into a “we.” You know the type. This is something for just the two of them.
Robin comes in and announces that the guy she got into the fight with at the Hosier Hut is pressing charges. If she’s convicted, she’ll be deported and that will be bad. There’s only one way to avoid it: she can become an American. Barney’s all for it, but she’s not so sure…she’s Canadian. Still, she’ll think about the citizenship test in the morning. Great idea! Barney plans to drill her all night, and then he’ll help her study.
Marshall’s ready to go…and so is Lily. They can’t leave her behind. This sends Ted into a spin. Marshall insists that it’ll be fine!
Guys, I swear, we ladies don’t have to pee every five seconds on the road. Really, it’s more like every half hour, or hour, or whenever we cross a body of water. But if it’s important, we’ll hold it. And if it’s REALLY important, we’ll put on diapers and drive all night. Oh the people we put into space….
But Lily, she has to pee, like, every five seconds. And instead of “500 Miles,” she wants to listen to Goodbye Sparky, some stupid book-on-tape about a dog, narrated by Kenny Rogers. It’s official, they’re on the trip from hell.
Robin’s insisting that she’s ready for the test, but in order to be a “real American,” Barney’s convinced he has to get the Canadian out of her. He’s prepared a few other questions, starting with a picture of Her Majesty the Queen. Robin identifies her correctly, but a REAL American would say that was Elton John. By the end of the night, Barney manages to turn Robin into a real American. She identifies a picture of Jim (Earnest) Varney as “Jeff Foxworthy,” and earns an A+ by getting belligerent and sticking to her guns about it. He’s so proud of his girl.
Meanwhile, on the road, Ted learns that Lily has booked them into a Bed and Breakfast that caters to couples. When Marshall asks if single people can have fun, the lady at the desk says that as long as Ted enjoys “sitting on a bench,” she thinks she can arrange a little recreation. Even the Spa Treatments are designed for couples. You can check us out here for the latest options in botox treatment Fair Lawn. Bоtоx wаѕ first uѕеd in mеdісіnе tо trеаt ѕtrаbіѕmuѕ, a соndіtіоn іn whісh a person’s eyes do nоt аlіgn normally, аnd blераhrоѕраѕm, оr unсоntrоllеd blіnkіng. The lady asks them if they’d like a Cornmeal Body Scrub. With their answer (“We’d love one!” ), Ted realizes that they’re now, one big married glob.
Robin leaves her place confident she’s going to be an American the next day. She passes the Hosier Hut – maybe one more drink for old time’s sake wouldn’t hurt. Right? Wrong. But we’ll get to that.
Ted knocks on Marshall’s door, apologizes for his attitude, and asks if he wants to go to the store and get some beer. Marshall’s still in a robe, but he’s down with the plan. A few minutes later, he’s regretting his decision not to put on pants. Ted’s pulling onto the highway. Their beer? It’s in Chicago. Ted’s determined to have fun, but Marshall’s feeling the guilt of having just abandoned his wife. How’s he supposed to have fun, he wonders? When “500 Miles” comes blaring out of the stereo four minutes later, that question’s officially moot.
Moot…that rhymes with “aboot.” So where’s Robin on the morning of her test? Well, Barney finds her in a trashed Toronto hotel. She “went Canadian” last night. She went into the Hosier Hut and met a woman’s curling team who invited her to a Bryan Adams/Rich Little double bill in Toronto. Somewhere in there, she called Barney and announced she was never coming back. He jumped on a plane and went to get her in time for the test. Robin tells him that she’s not taking it, and he insists that she’s drunk.
Ted and Marshall (still in his robe) have made it to Gazola’s. It’s just as disgusting as they remember with bugs on the counter and “moving mushrooms.” When they pizza guy tells them the crust is made of cornmeal, Marshall remembers the Body Scrub and feels guilty all over again.
Robin and Barney are in a Tim Hortons and Robin learns that she’s not really Canadian either with her American money, missed Maple Leafs game, and no “please or thank you for the coffee.” She’s depressed and a woman without a country. Barney’s still laughing about the money – and yes, the $5 bill has kids playing hockey on the back — but he hears what Robin’s saying. He stands up and announces that he’s here to “fix” the country. After a series of insults, Robin’s starting to feel better, but the rest of the restaurant is pissed. A small child locks the door with a hockey stick, and it’s on.
Ted and Marshall have an argument about how Marshall’s disappeared into Lily. When one of the mushrooms crawls away, Marshall decides to leave. Their drive back to the hotel continues in silence; only Kenny Rogers is talking. The Sparky book starts talking about how Sparky felt left out when the narrator married Helen. He should have set aside some special “ball tossing time” for the two of them. He wishes he had, because Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac. The boys hear this and start apologizing like crazy. They reiterate their best bro status, and Ted asks if Marshall wants to crank some Van Halen…or…listen to the Sparky Book again. Sparky book!!!
Robin and Barney arrive home. Barney’s on crutches and Robin’s made a decision. She’s going to be a dual citizen. Instead of being a woman with no country, she’ll be a woman with two.
Lily’s sleeping once again when Marshall and Ted walk in. Marshall starts apologzing, but she’s been so relaxed she didn’t even notice they were gone. She’s okay with not getting any pizza. And nineteen minutes later, when the pizza catches up with the boys, she REALLY means it.
Bumper scene: Ted and Marshall are downing cans of Tantrum in the car and going on and on about how great it is. Lily’s had four cans, and when Marshall looks back to confirm that with her, she’s gone. No, she hasn’t been left, she’s on top of the roof, screaming “TANTRUM!”
