For Your Consideration…Oz-Man Cometh, Kevin Nash Nowhere to be Seen

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For Your Consideration…Oz-Man Cometh, Kevin Nash Nowhere to be Seen

So tonight we’ve got Ozzy and Sharon hosting RAW, but I think everyone and their mother has been so focused on Hulk Hogan and TNA that this week’s WWE programming is going to be an afterthought. There are a lot of thoughts on the Hogan situation (don’t worry, I’ll throw my two cents in on it also), but I think we’re missing something unique in Camp WWE.

Last week, for some inexplicable reason, the WWE pushed Kofi Kingston. That’s right, the WWE pushed a guy who isn’t 6’6, who isn’t a third generation star and who isn’t currently doing a member of the McMahon family (though I would imagine if he was, he would not be long for this world). I have made no secret of the fact that I’m not a huge fan of Kofi (mainly due to the fact that I think he’s been unnecessarily sloppy and tends to rely too much on jumping instead of executing moves), but if the WWE can allow him to show his actual personality and let him work with some talented guys, he could be a true player for Monday Night RAW.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why in a week where Hulk Hogan jumped to TNA would I would talk about Kofi first. Look, we all know Hulk Hogan needs money and TNA needs buzz. It’s like a first grade math problem. On the other hand, the WWE is now willing to drop what was a fairly over midcard gimmick in order to risk it and see if Kofi has wings on his own. If Kingston catches on, he would be the first fresh face in the upper echelon of RAW in quite some time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suddenly declaring that Kofi should get a title shot, but rather I’m just sort of pleasantly surprised that Monday Night Live is willing to take a (albeit very small) risk.

Yes, that’s what it takes to color me surprised; a midcard guy gets a halfway decent push for one episode of RAW. This could either turn into a Punk move or it could fall into the bin of a million failed Shelton Benjamin pushes.

Oh yeah, there’s also that Hogan nonsense. Look, anyone who thinks that they have the definitive answer is clearly peddling something that the IWC would be wise to not be buying. On the other hand (such a great lawyer phrase), there are several scenarios that can play out.

First, there’s the fact that Hulk can be a cancer. A major cancer. The kind of cancer that can kill a major federation backed by a global tycoon. If Hogan wants, he can be the TNA champion as soon as tonight’s tapings. TNA, for the first time in a long time, seemed to finally have their act together. Older stars like Booker T, Scott Steiner, Sting and Kevin Nash were finally sliding away from the focal point of the company, allowing Styles, Morgan, Hernandez and Joe to assume more prominent roles at the top of the card. Add to this the signing of Nigel Wolfe (a fair compromise in the stupid names department), and TNA almost seemed to be lining up a decent offense to combat the WWE juggernaut. Then, just a few short days ago, it breaks that Hogan is coming to Total Nonstop Action. Now, Styles and Daniels seem like little guys in a big pond of yellow and blue. It’ll be only a matter of time before Hulk and his pals wander onto a television screen near you, dominating a broadcast that by all rights should finally have been inherited by the young and exciting.

Then there’s scenario two, where Hulk’s involvement draws in casual fans who tune into Spike to UFC and bad action movies and are the kind of nostalgia buffs who might tune in for morbid curiosity. If Hogan draws eyeballs to TNA, he’ll be viewed as a success. Unfortunately, this was the same logic TNA used when they signed Tazz. And Mick Foley. And Kurt Angle. And Booker T. And Scott Steiner. And Raven. And Sting. And Kevin Nash. And Randy Savage. And Scott Hall. And The Dudley Boys.

TNA has tried numerous times to secure that big “get”, but no one has solidified TNA as the true alternative company on even footing with the WWE. Hogan’s involvement feels entirely self-serving, so any comparisons to his run in the early 00’s in the WWE can be thrown out the window. Sure, Hulk did a nostalgia run and got the strap, but he also put over Brock Lesnar and in the end was sort of a freak show attraction feuding with Vince McMahon and a one-legged kid. Hogan now needs the money (and the spotlight), so why not have him score some wins over Matt Morgan and Samoa Joe? If Hulk lays down for anyone, it’ll be for Bobby Lashley, which is a misspent push if I ever saw one.

No one that has gone to TNA and was a prior legend has benefitted in the end. TNA has turned into a parasitic company; rather than generate star power on their own, they look to survive by glomming off the fading light from stars of the past. Sure, these Legends and “legends” sign up with TNA for the paycheck, but in the end they will all come crawling back to Vince. Why? Because Vince McMahon owns the single most important element in all of wrestling, their legacies. Vince’s tape library is unparalleled, and he can make even the most faded talent seem like a true superstar with one DVD. Foley cares about his legacy (especially when you consider Vince not only owns his ECW stuff, his WCW stuff and his WWE stuff but also a lot of his Japanese work), so I fully expect him to crawl back through the doggy door and kiss the ring. Hogan will ultimately come back to Vince, especially when he realizes that there’s more money wresting in 30,000 seat venues as opposed to 8,000 seat venues (not to mention the fact that the WWE draws an audience with the appeal of a lot of stars, as opposed to TNA shows where folks will come to see Hulk first and everyone else second). Hell, I even expect Sting to appear on WWE TV because you know he’s chomping at the bit to get a cut of a “Best of Sting” DVD set.

Hogan will spike the ratings (no pun intended), but it’s up to TNA what they do with those viewers. If they use Hulk like stunt casting (sort of the world’s best Guest GM) and hook the audience with new talent, then this was money well spent. If they start running Hogan at the top of the card, they are going to alienate their current fans and chase away returning fans who are too hip to everything to believe that a man that old can take down most of the roster. Wrestling fans can only suspend their disbelief for so long before it comes crashing down and it hurts inside.

Alright, enough of that. Shameless Twitter plug at twitter.com/awheeler316. Onto RAW.

“Hulkamania is running wild” is alive and well on the intro.

We open with the fans cheering for The Prince of Darnkess as we see the ring fill with smoke. If they don’t have Jericho in segment one, they have missed one hell of an opportunity. Ozzy and Sharon look slightly confused as they wave to the fans, but then again the odds of Ozzy being clean and mentally clear are really not that great. Eh, he’ll make more sense on the mic than those NASCAR fools from last week.

Ozzy welcomes us “all aboard”, but sadly there’s no ho train. Sharon thankfully handles the heavy lifting as she throws us to a clip of Ozzy at Wrestlemania 2. Oddly enough, we get a clip of Ozzy declaring “British Bulldogs forever.” We also get clips of his lazy performance from Smackdown two years ago. I think the random shots of the Dynamite Kid make up for any lameness that might occur here.

Hey, I hear The Miz’s music. Sure enough, here he comes. Unfortunately, he’s in his trunks and not jeans and sport coat. I think if he’s gonna do a promo, he has to come out with the neckerchief. Miz gets the mic and keeps milking the Seth Meyers “really” shtick before saying that he’s a bigger star than Ozzy. Sharon keeps calling him little boy, which is oddly creepy, even for them. Miz talks about how he got robbed against Evan Bourne, so he wants it to be stricken from the record. Holy shit, there really is a record book?

Ozzy asks who the hell The Miz is. Miz tries his “I’m the Miz and I’m awesome” but he gets cut off by…Legacy? Legacy is getting their entrance played? Hmm, must be a special week. On a side note, no one has told Duck-Billed Rhodes to not wear the sliced and diced t-shirt.

Teddy and Cody complain that their gift to Randy was destroyed. Apparently getting a defeat stricken is petty but a black guy vandalizing a car is major news (see, random kids who write for Pulse all of a sudden and decide to bait your audience, THAT’s how you do it, so cut it out and let the grown ups handle the heavy lifting). Cody and Teddy demand retribution and want a handicap match against Kofi Kingston. Sharon continues to beat the “Really” crap into the ground but this all gets interrupted by The Big Show. How many random superstars can we jam into this segment? I half expect The Iron Sheik to wander out.

The World’s Largest Goatee tells Ozzy and Sharon to ignore the midcarders and do something about the fact that he was treated like a bitch by the entire roster. Big Show asks for an apology, so Ozzy apologizes. Wow, comedic timing from Osbourne? Odd.

Oh for the love of fuck, here comes DX. Not only that, they’ve got their glow sticks. What? Do they just wander around the back with those things on the off chance they need to come out and extend an already too long promo?

Shawn and Hunter shake hands with the Guest GMs before Hunter calls everyone in the ring ratings killers. Well, can’t really fault him there. HHH pulls out Ozzy’s book and plugs it right before pulling out their DX book. Miz interrupts and says that this is serious, so HHH takes over as Guest GM apparently.

Ozzy declares that The Miz will fight Evan Brawn for the US Title. Not gonna lie, that’s a better name. Thanks Ozzy. Shawn plugs the fact that Wrestlemania tickets go on sale and that Legacy better get in line to buy them. High-larious. Sharon says that it’ll be Kobe Kingston facing Randy Orton. That’s right, they’re 0 for 2 at getting the faces names right.

Ozzy makes a triple threat match: John Cena versus Chris Jericho versus The Big Show. Wow, that’s a hell of a match to give away for free. Sharon then leads the crowd in a “Suck it” chant as Ozzy poses with DX. It’s gonna be one of those nights, folks, so let’s enjoy some…

Commercials.

We’re back for the US Title Match and The Miz is already in the ring. Wow, sick burn for The Miz. But hey, at least Evan Bourne gets an entrance. Is it wrong that there’s a small part of me that actually believed that the WWE would go risky and let Bourne win the title? Yeah, I thought so.

Bourne poses as if he’s a real live WWE star, when we all know that since coming to RAW he’s been nothing more than a glorified jobber. And quite frankly that sucks. Hopefully this match won’t suck. With two talented guys like this, that’s highly unlikely.

Miz attacks Bourne to start in such a way that makes me believe that if Evan’s gonna win, it’ll have to come via a fluke pin. Hey, speaking of which, Bourne starts getting some token offense before hitting the knee drop on The Miz on the outside of the ring.

There’s a small contingent of fans that are chanting “Miz is Awesome!”, which might mean that he’s actually getting over. Don’t look now, but The Miz might become a legit title contender before Morrison does. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Miz almost gets pinned by a reversal from Bourne.

These two are playing this match just right, with Bourne getting offense in at moments that seem authentic. It’s hard to believe that someone as small as Bourne is really going to control the match, so having him score impactful moves when he has openings works well for both guys.

Bourne goes to the top rope, goes for Air Bourne, misses and eats the SCF for the pin. Well, it was a fast paced little match that showed that these two have some chemistry. Sadly, it ended a little quicker than I would have liked, but at least Miz continues to win using some actual logic. Wow, Kingston AND Miz being poised to be legit superstars? Must be something in the water. Speaking of water, I’m sure there’ll be some sort of beverage ad in…

Commercials.

Josh Matthews is in the back with Sheamus. Apparently Sheamus is facing Jamie Noble tonight and, while Ozzy’s career should be over, Noble’s career will be over. Lawler and a camel jacket tieless Cole express concern that Sheamus is going to hurt people. Remember when that was Mike Knox’s gimmick? You know, like two weeks ago?

Lawler takes about twenty seconds to call Sheamus pale as Sheamus just demolishes Noble. Sheamus throws him out of the ring, pounds on him, throws him back in the ring, pounds on him some more. What? It’s a squash, there isn’t much to it. Why does the WWE feel the need to spend this much time establishing a guy they built up on ECW? Can’t they just take for granted the fact that those that watch all the shows know him and those that don’t will get the point based on his size?

Sheamus hits the bicycle kick, goes for the pin and pulls up Noble. Sheamus then wails on him in the corner before the ref stops the match because apparently Noble cannot continue. Sheamus then kicks Noble off the top rope to keep trying to kill him. Even after that, he gives Noble a sick powerbomb onto the outside mats. The moaning coming from Jamie is pretty sick. I take back what I said a moment ago, THIS just made Sheamus seem like a legit badass psycho.

Commercial.

We’re back as we re-live the Kofi/Orton/Car situation from last week. Kofi is in the back and he tells Josh Matthews that he doesn’t regret a thing and that he left Orton the mirror so he can see why he’s not WWE champion. Apparently that week’s script was written in reverse so you have to look at it in a reflection.

Commercial.

We’re back and Randy Orton comes out first without a promo. Hey, I could get used to this. The Ghanna-Rican is out next and, like I said at the top of the column, I’m anxious to see how the WWE handles this. If Orton wins, then Kofi’s push is pretty dead. If Kingston gets a clean win, that’ll do something huge for him.

Sure enough, the crowd is actually chanting for Kofi. Months holding the US Title did nothing compared to one well constructed backstage segment. Orton is hammering away on Kingston but the fans are still behind Kofi. Just as I say that, Kofi hits a dropkick. And here comes Legacy…

Kingston suicide dives through the ropes and takes out Legacy. Cole, showing that he’s not at all racist, calls it a hit-and-run.

Ozzy pops up on the screen and makes this a six-man tag team match. Kofi’s partners are…Generic Random Black Tag Team!

Commercial.

We’re back as MVP is working on Teddy Rhodes before tagging in Hey-Hey-Henry. I’m all for balancing things out, but now Kofi seems less like a potential break-out guy and now someone bogged down in the midcard nonsense. I think giving Kofi a clean win against Orton would have catapulted him. Instead, he’s just one man on a team. Not just any team, mind you, but a team that’s not exactly “over”.

MVP is being mauled in the Legacy corner as Cole reminds us that we’re watching RAW. Thanks Cole, I almost forgot. Cody Rhodes is in now and he hits his Bob Holly-esque dropkick. This leads to Orton coming in and hitting HIS Holly-esque dropkick. Apparently everything Orton does is malicious. It’s true. Just ask any hotel the WWE stayed in from 2004-2006.

Orton is wailing on MVP before locking in a dreaded resthold. Orton tags in Teddy who takes some offense from Porter before MVP tags in Henry. Someone this breaks down to Henry and Rhodes before Orton comes in going for the RKO but Kofi takes HIM out. Cody comes off the second rope, gets caught and eats the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin. Wait, how the hell did Kofi not get the pin here? Oh, I get it, we’re going to continue to build this Kofi/Orton thing until we finally get the singles match. Just don’t wait too long, WWE, because you might actually have something here.

Commercial.

We’re back and they’ve apparently decided to do a lame RAW’s Got Talent. The fans have already turned on this segment. Ugh, this is painful. Oh, apparently the third judge is The Great Khali. Wait, he hasn’t been released yet?

This already feels long and nothing’s happened yet. Khali speaks gibberish before we find out that Khali has a thing for Kelly. My eyes, the goggles do nothing.

Santino is out first to sing “Bark at the Moon.” Marella is dressed like Ozzy and decides to bite the head off a bat…man. This gets buzzed and the fans boo Marella. Sharon calls it rubbish, and that’s about as spot on as it gets.

Next up is Chris Masters doing performance art to “Crazy Train.” Chris Masters AND Khali in one segment? That’s right folks. Masters apparently can flex his pecs to the beat of the song, which is the most entertaining (and least gay) thing he’s done on WWE TV ever. Jerry buzzes him. Thanks for coming Chris.

Chavo and Jillian Hall are out to sing a duet. Good, let’s get all the bullshit over with in one segment. What a swerve! Jillian Hall can’t sing! This gets buzzed but Chavo and Jillian come down to the ring to confront them. Sharon slaps Hall, who sells it as if she’s been shot. There’s a sign in the crowd “Ozzy for President”, so clearly someone doesn’t understand our Electoral Process.

Chavo gets in Sharon’s face, but Khali stands up and delivers his terrible chop to knock out Guerrero. Oh fuck, here comes Hornswoggle dressed as Jack. He hits a frogplash on Chavo and NOW this thing is over. I thought for sure Ozzy was gonna bite his head off.

Commercial.

Next week, the classy and talented Rick Hatton is guest hosting. Awesome.

We’re back and it’s a Divas Battle Royal. The winner is the #1 Contender. It’s the Bella Twins, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, Alicia Fox and Kelly Kelly. Yeah, I don’t so much care, especially after that last segment.

Jack Swagger is there checking out Eve, a bunch of women get eliminated and it’s down to Kelly and Alicia Fox. Fox dumps Kelly and it’s over. Super.

We get another replay of Sheamus killing Noble before replaying the DX stuff.

Commercial.

We’re back and we toss to a Batista/Rey package.

Then, in the back, we FINALLY get Jericho and Ozzy on camera together. Jericho looks all bitter before smiling. He says that they are making a mockery of RAW. Chris says that he has all the talent because he’s the best in the world at what he does. Jericho says that Ozzy was his hero before saying the word record and instantly dating this segment. Chris talks about how he cribbed everything from Ozzy before realizing that he’s better than the fans and better than Ozzy.

DX is in the back with Hornswoggle, who has apparently been hung up on a hook. Shawn tells Hornswoggle that he can’t steal his Intellectual Property. It’s at this point that I would point out that the WWE owns the intellectual property of DX, not Shawn Michaels. As an independent contractor, he cannot claim proprietary interest in the works of the corporate parent. That is all.

So they have Hornswoggle hung up on a hook before Cena shows up. Then, in the greatest obscure reference of the week, Cena drops some “Johnny Dangerously”. Once. Awesome, awesome stuff. That almost makes up for WWE’s Got Talent. Almost. Apparently Cena is hip to the fact that Hornswoggle booked the triple threat match. “I beat you, I beat you, we beat each other all the time.” TV-PG at its finest. Cena promises to have four words for DX, “The Champ is here.” Shawn gets sick of people stealing their stuff, and before we hear Hunter’s punchline, we get cut off to…

Commercial.

We’re back and DX is on commentary. Cena is out first and does his stumble out, act surprised that he’s getting cheered, salute the crowd and slide into the ring. Jericho is out next as Cole pimps tickets again for Mania. Big Show is the final entrant as Shawn Michaels pimps the DX hat. Yes, they have a hat. HHH buries Cole about not throwing them to commercial, so we throw to…

Commercial.

Big Show and Jericho kill Cena but then argue over who gets to keep killing him. Shawn and Hunter act all insider by constantly talking about how Vince is yelling in their ear, telling them what to say. “Shut up, Cole!” Thank you Shawn. I want that as a ringtone.

Jericho and Big Show keep walloping Cena as HHH and Shawn keep making jokes about math. Jericho dodges a Big Show splash, which HHH calls “Vintage Big Show.” Jericho hits the Lionsault but Show breaks up the pin. Now we get the dissention in the ranks. Big Show launches Jericho out of the ring in time to eat some punches. Show goes for the Chokeslam, misses and Big Show lands on his head. Jesus, it looks like he really landed on his head. Show’s going for a Vader Bomb but Cena moves out of the way.

Cole AGAIN reminds us that we’re watching RAW (bare in mind that it’s 11 o’clock and if you couldn’t figure it out by now, you probably think you’re still watching Nitro). Cena goes through his finishing routine with Jericho as HHH snidely buries his offense. Jericho goes for the FU but eats a Big Show fist and Jericho gets the pin.

Jericho goes for the Walls and Big Show locks in the Colossal Clutch. Michaels runs in but gets knocked out. HHH eats a CodeBreaker, and JeriShow has left Cena and DX lying in the center of the ring. Well that’s a nice change of pace.

Solid RAW this week. Minimal nonsense and a solid Michael Keaton reference makes this a fairly legit show.

This has been for your consideration.