The Way Too Long Review of WWE Hell in a Cell 2009

It’s been three whole weeks, so it’s time for another WWE pay-per-view to be released on disc.  The top matches in this set are ALL repeats from Breaking Point, only this time they take place in the Hell in a Cell.  That could be okay.  In theory it should help counteract what I found to be the aimless and slow crowd brawling that afflicted the Legacy/DX match from the previous show.  I’m also curious how Orton’s new version of Jake “The Snake” Roberts will play in the Cell.  It looks like a fun card top-to-bottom, so let’s roll.

October 4, 2009 from Newark, NJ.  Cory Booker for President in 2016!

Match #1: World Heavyweight Championship, Hell in a Cell Match
(c) CM Punk vs. The Undertaker
Rehash Of: Breaking Point ’09

Since I don’t watch Smackdown, I have to admit that I’m highly amused by highlights for the build to this match.  Some really unintentionally funny stuff.  Sadly, they don’t lower the cage while the video package is playing.  This could very well be Jim Ross’s last pay-per-view, and his doctors should check to see if he’s having dementia in addition to all the other stuff going on.  He claims that CM Punk matched up very well against the Undertaker at Breaking Point and held his own.  He did?  How does J.R. figure that?  Does the fact that he didn’t shit his tights before it was over equal some kind of moral victory?  Were the two moves he got in that were actually sold for a whole second enough for people who bet on him to cover the spread?

Punk slugs away and is no-sold.  Taker yanks Punk out of the ring and tosses him into the cage, then punches him around some more.  Whip into the cage, then a ram into the cage, then more punching.  Punk tries to fight back, but Taker blocks and rams Punk into the support beam.  Back in the ring, where Punk rolls out to the apron.  Taker boots him off the apron and into the cage.  Punk dropkicks the stairs into the Taker.  CM Punk must have caught Undertaker on a good day, because he’s in a good enough mood to actually sell that.  Punk stomps away, and then places Undertaker on the apron.  Taker has had enough of this selling bullshit and starts to make his comeback, but Punk swats him away and gets his distance.  Running knee-lift on the apron by Punk, which looked like shit.  He goes for his bulldog off the apron but Undertaker tosses him into the cell.  Taker preps Punk on the apron and drops a leg on him, while still selling the leg injury.  Undertaker grabs at his leg, giving Punk enough time to lightly dropkick Taker through the ropes.  Punk dives through the ropes with a suicida that rams Taker up against the support beam, and both guys are out of it on the floor.  Back in the ring, we have a slug-off on their knees of the “yea-boo” variety.  Taker shoots Punk to the corner and goes for the snake eyes, but Punk wiggles out.  Taker still hits a big boot and a leg drop.  I’m guessing I’ll be typing THAT a lot in a couple weeks.  It gets two.  Taker goes for a chokeslam, but Punk wiggles out.  Punk loads up the GTS but Taker turns that into the Tombstone, but Punk turns THAT into a chop block.  He bails to grab a chair and clubs Taker with that for two.  Punk seems like he’s trying to act like he’s crying, but it looks more like a huge belly laugh.  Ugh.  His coolness factor is SO gone for me after that.  Running knee-lift in the corner but Taker turns it into the Wedgie Bomb for two.  Taker winds up for the rope walk, but Punk yanks him down into a kick in the face for two and two.  Punk charges with the chair but gets it booted in his face.  Chokeslam, Tombstone, see ya.
** Better then Breaking Point, but still not a good match.  All attempts at psychology were rendered worthless, and everything else was slow moving and low impact.  There was simply no need for this to take place in the Cell.  At least it was quick and made its point.  Hopefully Punk is sent to the undercard so that he can start to look good again, because this feud with Undertaker totally buried him.  Another notch on Undertaker’s ‘careers killed’ belt.

Match #2: Intercontinental Championship
(c) John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler

This could very well not suck.  Circle and a lockup leads to Morrison grabbing a boot and a back-heel trip.  Ziggler gets a cover out of nowhere for one.  Back-trip by Ziggler gets one.  Clutch-pin by Morrison gets one, leading Ziggles to bail to the ropes.  Lockup and Morrison grabs a headlock and grounds it down for one.  Ziggler turns it around for a one count, leading to another stare down.  Ziggler slugs it out, while the crowd can be described as mouse-fart quiet.  Headlock is shot off by Morrison and he eats a shoulderblock.  Ziggler starts to bounce off the ropes, leading to him getting dropkicked for two.  Scoopslam and a twisty leg drop gets two.  Headlock by Morrison leads to Ziggler punching him in the back of the head for one.  And back to the headlock, which he grounds down and uses his knees for leverage.  Ziggler mounts some punches and pushes down for one.  Standing headlock, which Ziggler snaps down on for some one counts.  To their feet, where Morrison shoots off and slides into Dolph’s legs to take them out.  He then hits a springboard crossbody for two.  Dropkick sends Ziggles to the turnbuckle, knocking him down.  Morrison goes for the Starship Pain and whiffs, letting Ziggler get a two count.  Mounted punches and a big elbow gets two for Ziggler.  Standing dropkick gets two.  Bridged reverse-chinlock by Dolph, but Morrison escapes so Ziggles shoots him off and gets smacked.  Morrison charges into a powerslam for two.  Neck-snapper by Ziggler, and for just a split second I thought Curt Hennig and been reborn.  The resemblance is uncanny.  Ziggles chokes in the corner, and then hits a stinger splash for two.  More punching, then a blatant choke. and Morrison is getting pissy.  Scoopslam for two by Dolph.  Snapping fireman’s carry by Ziggler, which was very sweet looking.  He does it again and covers for two.  Dolph is acting all cocky as he loads up a slam, but Morrison spins around to turn it into a DDT for a double KO.  That was awesome looking.  This leads to a slug-off.  Morrison hulks up and hits a series of punches to take him down.  Heel kick and a standing shooting star press for two.  Ziggler flips out of a suplex and gets a roll-up with a hand on the ropes for two.  The referee catches him and bitches him out, leading to Morrison getting a roll-up for two.  Morrison charges in the corner, misses, rolls through something and misses his running knee.  Ziggler turns this all into a jawbreaker for two.  Ziggles loads Morrison up on the top rope, but Morrison fights him off.  Morrison jumps and Ziggler goes for a dropkick.  Morrison expects it so he catches it and turns it into a catapult into the corner for two.  Morrison springs off the ropes and misses everything but the canvas, leading to Dolph Ziggler hitting a bridged German suplex for two.  Rocker Dropper gets two and Dolph is having a fit.  From a distance he looks like Mr. Perfect, but up close he looks like Billy Gunn.  It’s scary.  He charges into the corner and eats a boot to the face.  He took all of it too.  That’s a man’s man there.  Morrison goes for Starship Pain again, but this time Ziggler hits a reverse slam off of it.  Damn, that’s just self-mutilation there.  It gets two.  He goes for the Zigzag, but Morrison holds onto the rope and Ziggles wipes out.  Starship Pain follows to give Morrison the pin.
***1/2 Perfectly acceptable match that remained entertaining through-out.  And yet it was clearly directionless and told by two guys who are full of potential but not anywhere near ready to be main players yet.  That’s fine, you know.  That’s why guys at their level have the Intercontinental Championship to fight over.  But they have a ways to go before either is ready to have a kick at the main event can.  I would suggest getting someone like Arn Anderson to help them learn how to put a match together.  They have all the tools needed to be exciting and they have the personalities to get the matches over, yet I’ve never felt it has ever come close to coming together.  Both guys are incredibly talented and good learners, so I imagine it’s only a matter of time.  They just need the right person to get in their ear.

-Meanwhile, Josh Matthews talks to Team ‘Do It For Eddie’.  Ugh.  Josh asks them if they can recreate the magic.  Rey Mysterio says it’s not re-creation, it’s reunion of family.  Thankfully this was the first step towards Batista’s heel turn.

Match #3: Diva’s Championship
(c) Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox

Speaking of coming into someone’s ear, Alicia Fox has a match.  No, I don’t know what that means, but it sounded funny when I came up with it.  Lockup goes all over the ring.  Mickie slings Fox down, but Alicia holds the lockup and we break clean.  Fox grabs a wristlock, then tries to figure out what time it is using it.  Not really.  Mickie cartwheels out of it and gets a takedown for one.  Mickie tries for her own wristlock, then stops a comeback and gives Fox a monkey flip.  Snapmare and a dropkick to Fox’s face gets two.  Neckbreaker and Mickie climbs.  Alicia stops her and slings her off by the leg for two and then zero.  Now to a rear-chinlock.  Yea.  I’m so excited that I just can’t hide it.  Alicia nearly loses control and kind of likes it, but the referee makes her break at five.  Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets two, and then Alicia tries body scissors.  Mickie fights out and throws some forearms, then comes out fighting with clotheslines.  Mickie gets an elbow up in the corner and a snap-rana.  She climbs and hits a seated senton, then mounts a punch.  Yep, as in one single, shitty punch.  I’m sure it’s not the first time Alicia has been mounted for a single punch, though it’s usually of the donkey variety.  Mickie loads up a DDT, but Alicia runs her into the corner and hits a northern lights suplex for two.  Scissors kick misses and Mickie hits a DISGUSTING roundhouse DDT for the pin.  Poor Alicia Fox took it at a horrible angle and I bet her neck ached for a week or so.  I hope the irony of the WWE putting up disclaimers telling people to “Not Try This at Home” and then putting untrained chicks with less knowledge about wrestling then your average ‘Yard Tard’ isn’t lost on anyone.
* Not bottom-feeding horrible, but far from presentable.  If nothing else, I’m guessing Alicia has more respect for how scary a DDT can be.

And what do you know, they really did show the “Don’t try this at home” video following that last match.  I can just picture the conversation in the production truck.

Idiot A: Hey, there weren’t enough instant replays in that last match!

Idiot B: Forget that, did you see how Alicia Fox took that DDT?

Idiot A: We better put the “Don’t try this at home” video up.

Idiot B: Good idea.  Kids should only try to mimic a DDT that doesn’t look like it can hurt you.

Idiot A: Like Santino’s?

Idiot B: Bingo.

Match #4: Tag Team Championship
(c) Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio & Batista

Jim Ross notes that Rey Mysterio embodies the spirit of Eddie Guerrero… which I guess explains the wellness suspension, but that’s not what J.R. was aiming for.  He realizes this and, after a very brief pause, notes that like Guerrero, Mysterio is rarely the biggest guy in the match.  Nice save, Jimbo.  Jericho starts with Rey and gets smacked down a couple times.  Kick to the gut by Jericho and more punching and kicking.  Shoot-off leads to Rey getting an armdrag and a monkey flip.  He sets up Jericho for the 619, then catches Jericho trying to avoid it and hits a springboard moonsault for two.  Tag to Batista who hits a shoulderblock.  Shoot to the corner and a splash, then shoulderblocks.  Tag to Mysterio, and then Batista whips him into Jericho with a dropkick for two.  Buzzsaw kick gets two.  We have action going on in the ring, so it’s time to cue an instant replay.  If you squint really hard you can see Batista lower his head into a kick, but still fire off a back-elbow.  Vertical suplex gets two.  Tag to Mysterio who hits a splash off of Batista’s shoulders.  So let me get this straight: Mysterio’s top rope splash is good for a finisher, but doing it off of Batista’s shoulders, which are quite a bit higher then the top rope, is only a two count?  Hey, neat spot and everything, but a little continuity goes a long ways.  Back to the match, where Big Show gets the tag and Mysterio tries to be a giant-killer.  He kicks away at Show’s legs but gets picked up by the neck and slung down.  Show then steps on Mysterio to assert his alpha male status.  He places Rey on the top rope and skillet-chops him to the floor.  Huge groan from the crowd, which is followed by a round of applause.  We get a break, and then Big Show palms Mysterio by his skull back into the ring.  Huge pop for that too.  Of course, these guys are supposed to be the villains but they’re getting the coolest moves in.  Why would anyone boo them?  Big Show slings Rey by the arm into his corner and tags Jericho, who raises up an arm in triumph.  He catapults Mysterio’s throat into the rope for two, then grabs a full-nelson.  Mysterio fights back with an enziguri that preps Jericho for the 619, but it’s a sucker play and Jericho hits a clothesline for two.  To the top rope where Jericho tries to rip off Mysterio’s mask.  It fails and Mysterio fights him off and hits a seated senton.  Hot tag to Batista.  Forearms for all and a sideslam on Jericho for two.  Jericho ducks a clothesline but his crossbody is caught.  Jericho wiggles out of Batista’s clutch and gets speared for his trouble.  Batista tosses Jericho into Show, and then hits a spinebuster for two.  Big Show grabs Batista’s leg to distract him, allowing Jericho to recover enough to hit the Code Breaker for two.  Tag to Big Show for some stompery.  He yanks Batista to the center of the ring but whiffs on a leg drop.  Batista tries to fight back but walks into a Chokeslam for two as Mysterio makes the save with a splash off the top.  Tag to Jericho who mounts punches and goes for the Lionsault, but it misses.  Tag to Show, and a hot tag to Mysterio.  A series of reversals leads to Big Show missing a headbutt and eating a tornado DDT.  Show charges but tumbles over the top rope.  Jericho gets prepped for the 619 and ducks out of the way, leading to Show taking the 619 in the back of the head.  Jericho gets back-dropped over the top and into Batista, who catches him.  Batista comes out of nowhere with a spear on both of them.  That was an awesome sequence.  Mysterio preps Show for the 619 and hits it.  He goes for the West Coast Pop but Show hits the big knockout punch on Rey coming down to score the pin.
***3/4 Not quite good enough to get four stars, but some really clever spots from everyone involved and a really fast pace towards the end.  Very good.

Match #5: WWE Championship, Hell in a Cell Match
(c) John Cena vs. Randy Orton
Rehash Of *deep breath*: Backlash ’07 (four-way), Summerslam ’07, Unforgiven ’07, No Way Out ’08, Wrestlemania 24 (three-way), Backlash ’08 (four-way), Night of Champions ’09 (three-way), Summerslam ’09, Breaking Point ’09

I’ve made a lot of controversial ratings since joining Pulse.  Funny enough, my DUD for Cena/Orton from Summerslam is not among them.  I fully expected to be torn a new asshole for it.  Instead, everyone sort of shrugged and said “yeah, it was pretty bad.”  As we neared the release for Breaking Point on DVD, people looked forward to me tearing the “I Quit” match an even newer asshole.  Instead, it was a Match of the Year contender that’s only drawback was the ending came out of nowhere.  The way I look at it, Breaking Point was their ninth match on pay-per-view.  Maybe the first eight were warm-ups.  This is the tenth meeting these guys have had, but not the last.  Oh lord, not the last.  I still have one more to go, and it will last an hour.

But we’re here for Hell in a Cell, so let’s get this fucker going.  The fans have a “Cena Sucks” chant going before his music even hits.  Cena blocks a punch to start and slugs it out with Orton, who bails.  Randy looks for a way out of the cell, but Cena catches up to him.  Orton dives back into the ring and then catches Cena coming back in with some shots.  Random brawling while the fans shower Cena with hatred.  Oh poo, I’m already feeling like I’m back at Summerslam.  Cena goes for the FU but Orton wiggles out.  Cena charges into a powerslam, otherwise known as a scoopslam if you’re Michael Cole or if you are retarded.  It gets two.  Crappy slug-off ends with Cena ducking a clothesline and hitting a shoulderblock.  Cena tries for another but Orton ducks and John wipes out.  He gets up on the apron, so Orton pushes him off and into the cell.  Orton goes to a stomp off the cage while a little kid in the front row notes that “Nobody likes you anymore!” to him.  The Newark crowd takes exception to this and proceeds to perform an upside-down crucifixion on the young boy.  Not really.  Now if it had been the bingo hall that kid would have been toast.

Back to the match, where Orton stomps again, then grinds him up against the cage.  Orton goes for a ram but Cena blocks it.  He hoists Orton up and rams him into the cell a couple times, then picks him up for a lawn dart.  Orton wiggles free of it and pushes Cena into either the stairs or the cage.  Can’t really tell from the angle shown.  He then tosses Cena into the stairs anyway.  He removes the top part of the stairs and stomps Cena on the base of it.  Orton tosses the stairs into the ring.  He then takes approximately twenty-three years to prep them, give or take.  I’m not feeling the build to this spot like I did the stuff from Breaking Point.  He loads up for the rope DDT, and the crowd buzz I would describe as decent. but unspectacular.  Cena blocks it anyway and backdrops Orton over the top rope.  He picks up the stairs and tries to murder Orton with them, but that doesn’t work either as Randy moves out of the way.  Back in the ring where Cena walks right into the wrap-around backbreaker for two.  We then have a long bit of nothing.  And unlike Breaking Point, Orton’s not putting over the nothing with some kind of build of having bigger things to come.  It’s just a complete void.  Orton stalks around, and then charges into a boot in the corner.  Hulk up time.  Shoulderblocks, protoplex, you can’t see him, five-knuckle-shuffle, and the FU.  Orton blocks the FU by flipping over it and to the apron, where he hangs Cena up on the ropes.  He loads up the rope DDT and hits it, but the crowd barely reacts.  Well yeah, after teasing that same spot on the steel stairs, that’s a letdown.  Just like this match.  It gets two.  He coils up for the RKO, and then after waiting forever Cena pops up and counters it with the FU for two.  This match sucks.

Cena climbs up the ropes and loads up the FU off the top, but Orton counters and hits a shitty electric chair for two.  Orton slowly loads up for a superplex, and I mean so slow that by the time Cena fights him off fans are already bored with Hulk Hogan in TNA.  Orton lands on the canvas to set up the leg drop off the top.  That whiffs as well, which causes Orton to bail to catch his breath.  He grabs a steel chair and starts to channel that awesome Randy Orton from Breaking Point.  Suddenly he’s selling the build to these moves with body language and facial expressions, instead of just going through the motions.  This is the character that works, Randy.  Drop all the other shit you do and build your matches around THIS version of your gimmick.  He stabs Cena in the back of the neck with the chair, then again in the stomach.  This gets two, causing him to have a breakdown.  He preps a chair under Cena’s head and stomps him.  Orton backs away and tries to work himself up to drop a huge knee on him.  He fires it off and wipes out on the chair.  Cena hooks in the STFU.  Orton gets to the ropes, but that’s not good enough to break it.  Wow, wrestling logic avoided.  Kudos.  Orton gets under the rope, which causes the rope to get caught under Cena’s chin.  So he releases and tries to pull Orton into the center of the ring, but Orton kicks him into the referee.  Cena does get the STFU on, but the referee is out of the ring.  Cena tosses the ref back in and eats the RKO for two.  Orton is really freaking out now.  He clubs away at Cena some more and ties him into the rope.  Orton has what I think one would call an ‘episode’ and fishhooks Cena’s mouth, and then slaps on a chinlock against the ropes.  Trust me when I say it’s the most badass chinlock in wrestling history.  It looks vicious.  The referee unties Cena, but he’s out cold and collapses.  Orton’s IED is going off the charts, as he goes through a range of emotions on the rope before seeing Cena get on all fours.  Suddenly he looks all nutty again and fires off the worst punt he’s ever done for the pin and the title.  Truth be told, I would have liked to have seen him pin Cena off the chinlock spot.  That would have been amazing.
** I just wasn’t feeling this one.  Use of the cage was practically non-existent, rendering this entire pay-per-view theme pointless thus far.  The awesome Randy Orton: Raging Psychopath didn’t make an appearance until over half the match was finished.  By then it was too late to make the save.  The fans, who were big into Orton going into it, are clearly let down, and why shouldn’t they be?  They teased a lot of spots that would have been high impact and very dramatic and never paid them off.  Truth be told, I think the Cell gimmick should have been retired with the TV-14 rating.  I’m sure this show will pop a higher buy-rate then the average No Mercy show did, but I’m guessing anyone who watched this show will never hold the Cell gimmick in high regard again.  The magic is gone.  When the high point of a match is a chinlock, you know you have a problem.  Granted, it was a very awesome chinlock that should have been the finish of the match, but come on…

-Meanwhile, R-Truth is having issues with Drew McIntyre.  This guy was the champion of TNA?  That makes Christian seem like an acceptable choice.

Match #6
R-Truth vs. Drew McIntyre

This was not advertised on the case.  Yea?  This is the first match I’ve watched of McIntyre’s since he joined the WWE.  I think the gimmick they’ve given him is not going to work out.  The whole “McMahon endorsed” evil rookie shtick is a proven loser.  Just ask Test, assuming you have a flashlight and shovel.  Lockup and McIntyre gets a headlock-takeover.  Fans are already chanting boring to this.  Shoot-off and Truth gets a dropkick, then flips around and gets another dropkick.  Typical horrible offense from Truth.  He follows these ‘moves’ with a terrible throw thingy for two.  Truth punches Drew in the corner, causing the referee to break it up.  McIntyre gets a dropkick to the face and mounts some stiff punches.  Short-arm clothesline gets two.  Half-nelson chinlock by McIntyre and the fans shower more boring chants on them.  Truth escapes and we have one of those wacky, business-exposing “both guys hit a crossbody on each other” spot for a double KO.  R-Truth is up and is a house of fire with a leg takedown, crappy mounted punches, a couple of clotheslines (only one of which is shitty, which is kind of improvement), and a bicycle kick for two.  A scissors kick misses and McIntyre loads up a double-arm DDT.  Truth turns this into a jack-knife for two.  Ten-punch by Truth, but McIntyre slams him off and hits the double-arm DDT for the pin.
1/2* Well that was hard to watch.  Incompatible styles usually are.  In this case the styles were ‘potential’ versus ‘stinky rotten ass’ and those two things always mix like oil and water.  McIntyre is going to end up like a better built version of William Regal, where American wrestlers are either going to get it with him and produce magic or they’re going to be at a complete loss for his style of pacing and stink up the joint.  Then again, if you took the combined DNA of Ric Flair, Lou Thesz, Shawn Michaels, Chris Benoit, and Jesus Christ (not for the wrestling but to balance out the murderous Benoit DNA… we’re not trying to create Hitler in tights after all), mixed them all together in an attempt at creating the Serpentor of wrestling, that wrestler would still not be able to get a one-star rating out of R-Truth.  Well no shit.  That’s because you forgot Sgt. Slaughter.  Everyone knows that the key ingredient of any Serpentor is Slaughter DNA.

-Meanwhile, Randy Orton is all sore and emotionless over winning the title.  Legacy comes out to congratulate him and talk about how they’re going to go out on the town to celebrate.  Orton says that it’s hell in a cell and you just don’t walk away.  You know, like he just did.  Did Cena ever even toss him into the cell?  Thankfully I recap EVERY MOVE and thus I can go back and read it.  Indeed, Orton was rammed into the cage twice.  Let’s call the Red Cross for poor Randy Orton.  He got bumped into the cage twice.  No blood or broken bones, unlike the first time he was in the Cell, a match that got so personal that Bob Orton Jr. gave the Undertaker hepatitis out of pure malevolence.

Back to the interview, where Cody Rhodes gets all cocky and says that Orton is sounding like Dusty Rhodes.  Orton gets pissy at that, but Legacy won’t hear of it.

Match #7: United States Championship
(c) Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger vs. The Miz

Miz goes for the cheapest cheap heat possible, invoking the Conan O’Brien/Cory Booker feud.  He claims that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are from Newark.  I could have sworn they were in New York City.  Pssh, what kind of nerd doesn’t know where the Ninja Turtles live?  Next thing you know, he’ll be claiming that the Thundercats are dogs.  Miz begs Mayor Booker to ban him from Newark, but not until he wins the US title.

Kofi brawls with both guys to start.  Ten-punch to Swagger, then more punches for Miz, then a kick for Swagger.  He takes out Miz again, but Swagger comes from behind with a clothesline.  The heels double up on Kofi for some stompery, and then shoot him off for a double-elbow.  Double-suplex and the heels seem like everything is A-OK.  It’s not.  In fact, it’s not even D-OK.  It’s a letter much further back in the alphabet.  Maybe V-OK.  Possible even Y-OK.  Swagger breaks up an attempt by Miz at pinning Kofi.  But they stay together and shoot off Kofi, but both lower their head into a kick and Kingston rolls up Miz for two.  More double teaming, as Swagger gets Kofi to the corner for some punches, then both guys fire off a hard whip to the opposite turnbuckle.  Miz asks Swagger to whip him into Kofi for a clothesline, and then kicks Jack in the gut.  He sends him into the corner and clotheslines him, then hits a clothesline in the corner on Kingston.  Double sledge off the top rope to Swagger, and then the backbreaker into a neckbreaker combo to Kofi for two.  Stomps for both, then a whip to the corner on Kingston is reversed.  Kofi charges and almost gets back-dropped to the floor, but he sticks the landing.  Swagger loads up Miz on his shoulder and Kofi hits a crossbody on both.  It gets two on Miz and a one count on Swagger.  Kofi tries to slug it out in the corner but Swagger hits a snake eyes on him, and then sends him into Miz.  Belly-to-belly on Kingston gets two.  Miz saves and gets taken to the corner for shoulderblocks.  Swagger loads up Miz in the tree of woe, then does some push-ups for his amusement.  Kingston avoids getting whipped into Miz and sends Swagger into the corner.  Kofi fires off a back suplex from the top for two.  Swagger comes in with a pump splash attempt on both, but Kofi rolls out of the way and only Miz eats it for two.  Kofi rolls up Swagger for two.  Dropkick by Kofi and a big swinging elbow.  Boom drop gets two on Swagger.  Swagger knocks Kofi down, then attempts to dump Miz.  Kofi comes out of nowhere with the tornado kick to Swagger, then eats the SCF from Miz.  It gets two after Swagger saves.  Kofi catches a small package on Miz for two, but Swagger pushes it over for a Miz two.  Swagger tries to clothesline both guys but only connects on Kingston.  Gutwrench Powerbomb to Miz, but then Trouble in Paradise on Swagger gives Kofi the pin.
*** Entertaining and quick, but again lacking any structure or direction.  Really, all three of these guys could end up being main event players, but like John Morrison and Dolph Ziggler they need a lot more education on how to put a match together.

Match #8: Hell in a Cell Match
Shawn Michaels & Triple H vs. Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes
Rehash of: Summerslam ’09, Breaking Point ’09

Please let this be the last time I have to review a match between these teams.  Legacy jumps DX from behind and brawls them around the outside.  DiBiase is paired with Trips, while Cody fights Shawn.  Trips is the first to get the better of his man, and he dumps DiBiase over the announce table.  He makes the save for Shawn and they brawl Cody around.  DX preps the announce table and suplexes Cody on it.  The table doesn’t break and Cody bounces off of it.  They again, he only weighs like six ounces.  DiBiase comes out of nowhere and slams Trips into the cage.  Shawn doesn’t seem to notice as he decides to keep beating on Cody.  DiBiase and Trips spill out to the stands, so Shawn takes his end of the fight out there.  Cody seems to get control over Shawn, but he misses a charge and gets back-dropped over the rail and into the cell in what was a pretty good spot.  Meanwhile, the Cloverfield director is back in charge as we get EXTREME CLOSEUPS and shaky cameras.  Cody loads up the chain they use for the cell and punches Shawn into it, then charges at Triple H.  He lays out Trips with a punch with the chain, then the heels fire off a double DDT on Trips at the top of the entrance ramp.  Cody loads up the Cross Rhodes on Trips and hits it on the steel ramp, which should be enough for the divide and conquer strategy.  I must say, I buy it more now then I did at Breaking Point, and they did it in one-fifth of the time.  Plus the production fuckwits at least got smart enough to pay attention to the most important part of the unfolding story, rather then using jump-cuts from fight to fight.

Shawn is all alone now, so Cody grabs the chain and locks himself and DiBiase into the cell with Shawn.  Now THIS is brilliant and original booking.  I hope Legacy can actually pay it off.  The bell finally rings, so the heels mug for the fans.  They let Shawn recover enough to realize how much trouble he’s in, which is the heelish thing to do.  Shawn tries to slug it out with DiBiase but Cody is there to put an end to that.  DiBiase PLASTERS Shawn with a boot to the head in what might be the first move he’s ever done that didn’t suck.  High-low by Legacy gets two.  DiBiase slays Shawn’s knee down, then Cody hits a couple half-drops on him.  Shawn hits an enziguri to get Cody off him, but DiBiase is right there to hit an elbow drop on the bad knee.  Cody wraps Shawn’s leg around the post a couple times, causing Shawn to fall out of the ring.  Shawn finds a chair under the ring and throws it at Rhodes, but DiBiase is there.  Shawn tosses him into the cage, but Legacy keeps coming at them.  Shawn tries to fight them off long enough to give Triple H a chance to return to the ring, but it’s no good.  Cody catapults Shawn into the cage.  He tries to do it again but Shawn catches the cage and flings himself off of it with a Thesz press and mounted punches.  DiBiase breaks it up.  Meanwhile, Trips can’t find his way into the cage.  They bring Shawn into the ring, but Michaels tosses DiBiase into Rhodes, knocking him off the apron and into the cage in a huge bump.  Flying forearm and an elbow by Shawn.  Meanwhile, Trips buzzes the crowd by climbing the cage, but there’s no point to that as there’s a roof on it.  Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere to DiBiase only gets two as Cody clubs Shawn with a chair.  Trips grabs a chair to try and break the lock off the cage, but that doesn’t work and DiBiase taunts him.  Meanwhile, Cody powerbombs Shawn into the cage.  Trips tries to pry the door open using the chair but that doesn’t work either.  DiBiase with a powerbomb into the cage as well.  Credit where it’s due: Legacy is finally wrestling like heels.

Legacy taunts Trips some more, so he bails on the match.  Legacy laughs and beats Shawn into the cage.  DiBiase picks him up and smashes him repeatedly into the corner and the post.  They really needed blood in this match.  They toss Shawn back into the ring and jaw with him.  Shawn tries to fight back but he has nothing left and DiBiase levels him with a clothesline.  Teddy is pissed now and screams to finish this.  Cody holds a chair to Shawn’s face and allows DiBiase to fire a pretty stiff dropkick off on it.  Excellent heel spot.  They drag Shawn to the corner and load up the figure-four on the post, which is the spot they won their previous match with.  Shawn tries to fight it off, but Rhodes won’t be denied.  DiBiase puts the Million Dollar Dream on for good measure, while Triple H makes a well-timed return, and he’s armed with bolt-cutters.  Rhodes releases so that DiBiase can finish Shawn off with the Million Dollar Nightmare.  I *REFUSE* to call it the ‘Dream Street’ and fuck anyone who disagrees with that.  Trips gets through the door and dumps DiBiase, then hits the flying knee on Rhodes.  DiBiase lowers his head into the facebuster, and then HHH sends Rhodes into him.  Trips preps a chair and hits a spinebuster on Rhodes.  He loads up Cody for the Pedigree on the chair, but DiBiase saves.  Michaels saves the save, or something like that, and mounts punches on DiBiase.  Teddy charges and gets back-dropped to the floor.  Trips and Shawn both bail while a referee comes out to lock the door again, but Trips steals the chain for himself and kills DiBiase with it.  KICK WHAM PEDIGREE on the floor to Ted and he’s finished.  They drag him out of the cell and chain the door again.  Cody is fucked.  Trips hits a spinebuster on him, then preps a chair around his neck.  Shawn hits the Pillmanizing elbow drop to Rhodes.  Shawn wants to tune up the band, but Trips isn’t satisfied.  He grabs a sledgehammer instead.  Shawn tunes up and hits the Superkick at the same time that Trips hits him with the sledge to get the pin.  Out-fucking-standing.  DiBiase goes to check on Cody after the match and eats a Superkick himself.
****1/2 Now THAT was a good match that told a coherent story and had clearly defined heroes and villains.  All the problems from the previous two matches were gone.  Major props to Legacy for playing their parts for once.  Excellent pacing, good use of psychology, and a match structure that worked.  And give a raise to whoever removed the stick from Ted DiBiase’s ass, because he finally manned up and started wrestling stiff and deliberately like a good heel should.  Sure, it wasn’t quite up to the normal level of violence one would expect for a cell match, but this is the TV-PG era.  I wish it had blood… in fact, that might have put this over the top as a five-star affair… but otherwise what is there to complain about?  This was a major milestone for both of the young guys, as they look like real contenders and long term players now.

BONUS FEATURE: After the cell match they have to scrape up what’s left of Cody Rhodes and stretcher him out of the ring.  They load him up, and then Triple H comes over to give him a pat on the chest and congratulate him on finally arriving.  Pretty cool.  He then has a stare down with DiBiase, who sucks significantly less but still gets told to suck it.  And that’s it.  Whole thing ran 3:15 and was as worthless as tits on a bore.

BOTTOM LINE: Going into the last match, I was certain this show was getting a thumbs down.  The first two cell matches were garbage where they might as well have been wrestling in an invisible cage.  The IC and Tag Title matches were solid but unspectacular.  And then came the main event, where Legacy finally showed up, and DX gave them enough credible offense to look like legitimate threats.  And suddenly I think there’s enough meat here to recommend a thumbs up.  You get a very good main event peppered with enough decent stuff on the undercard so that your $15 purchase isn’t a waste of money.  I’m hoping Legacy can keep pace now that they have stopped being scared to wrestle like dicks.

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