On a side note, today wasn’t that good of a day. I had a virus infecting my computer, which was a nice four hour cleanup. Luckily I didn’t lose any files, but that explains why Total Nonstop Weekly was a washout. I could very well post a late edition, but that depends on number two…which is me being sick. Luckily RAW is taped tonight, but that won’t stop me from at least bringing our readers real-time RAW coverage. Ricky Hatton is your guest host tonight, so keep it to the Pulse for real-time updates!
We get the always awesome setup for the UK and we’re TAPED from the U.K. Justin Roberts gives the verbal fellatio to Ricky Hatton, accompanied by the Bellas. He gets a hero’s welcome in Sheffield and he discusses his career. He talks and JeriShow promptly interrupts things. I’ll pull a ZZ Top here. JeriShow are sharp-dressed men. Big Show had a breakfast that was bigger than Hatton. Show says that he knocked out some men as well, but he forgets to say he got KTFO by Mayweather, so Ricky Hatton reminds us of that. Show wants Hatton to try to knock him out. Ricky says that he needs a ladder, so Big Show gets down to a knee. Hatton goes for it and Jericho wants to pick on a man his own size. Jericho wants Big Show to worry about him and Undertaker. I am enjoying this disfunctional tag team, but Ricky Hatton has other plans. JeriShow v. DX tonight! Jericho goes off in a racist rant that is toned down to PG. Ricky Hatton tells Jericho to speak their language.
Cue DX. Thank you Hunter, he finally asks the question as to why JeriShow keep giving the guest hosts a hard time. They thank Hatton for the match, but they want to do it now. Jericho goes down and Big Show loses the suit. He then takes the easy way out. The three celebrate.
Commercials.
Last week: It was diva mayhem as Alicia Fox won the #1 Contendership to the Diva’s Title.
Kelly Kelly (w/Gail Kim) v. Alicia Fox (w/Jillian Hall)
The bell rings and they are standing breast on breast before Alicia piefaces Kelly. Kelly responds by going nuts on Alicia. The wheels turn and Alicia is in control. Melina watches on from a monitor and Alicia takes Kelly down hard. We get a pimp for Hogan’s DVD being released next week.. Chinlock applied to Kelly, but here comes Kelly Kelly. Alicia misses a corner charge and Kelly comes out with a headscissors. She does a splitting leg drop, but Alicia botches the pinfall attempt. Alicia hangs Kelly off the ropes and she connects with the Scissors Kick for the pinfall.
Winner: Alicia Fox
Grade: C-
Wrestlemania 26 hype.
Ricky Hatton is with his son? He’s a big Cena fan. I need confirmation on that. Cena is upset that he’s not wrestling tonight, but Hatton wants Cena to be ready for his defense.
Commercials.
Last week: Sheamus kills Jamie Noble.
Sheamus says that he ended Noble’s career last week and tonight, he’s going to beat a jobber.
Sheamus v. Some Jobber
Nothing to say here. Sheamus does his thing while the jobber gets a single move in. High Angle backbreaker slam sets up for the Yakuza kick. He ends this with the RAZOR’S EDGE!?
Winner: Sheamus
Grade: F (The Razor’s Edge saves this from the FTS rating; but they need to give Sheamus a feud fast.
Commercials.
The Bellas hang out with Hatton backstage and they talk boxing and his fitness building. They want lessons from Hatton with darts. Santino is here in a fat suit and this brings Chavo Guerrero. Chavo says that he is a good dart player, so Ricky wants him to throw a dart. He sucks at that, so he wants Santino in a match. However, Ricky Hatton makes a match with himself and Chavo Guerrero. Kill me.
Josh Matthews is with the Miz. We talk about Survivor Series. His team consists of winners. Jack Swagger comes in and he puts himself over. They bicker and we have “REALLY?” as over as a catchphrase. REALLY!
Commercials.
Sure enough we get Hatton v. Guerrero tonight. But we have an air bourne sighting!
Evan Bourne v. Jack Swagger
Swagger overpowers Bourne to start. Bourne goes pillar to post and Swagger drops him on his head. Second rope splash connects and Swagger does some pushups. He stretches Bourne’s arms and he throws him in the corner. Shoulder thrust connects, but a second connects with Bourne’s knee. Bourne gets a two count. Schoolboy gets two and Bourne gets some kicks in. Off the ropes, Swagger goes down for a two count. Swagger gets a kick in and the Miz makes his way to the ring. Belly to Belly by Swagger connects and Swagger goads the Miz to get in the ring. Vertical suplex attempt is countered to a knee to the face. KICK TO THE CHIN! Bourne hits the Air Bourne and Swagger’s undefeated streak ends!
Winner: Evan Bourne
Grade: D-
The Miz rubs in.
Commercials.
We get some NASCAR coverage with Kyle Busch.
Mark Henry and MVP is in the ring for the VIP Lounge. They NEED a tag team name. Mark Henry introduces Kofi Kingston as a man that recently came out of his shell. Kofi looks ummm…interesting when he isn’t in his attire. Kofi needs the World’s Strongest man and “Mr. 305” MVP. The theme is that everyone’s tired of being pushed around by Randy Orton and Legacy. We recap last week and the bottle comes popping. Randy Orton and Legacy make their way out. Orton stares deep at the hired security guard and he lets them through. This should be good. Orton calls the three low class street thugs before personally dissecting each one of them. Orton vows to embarrass Kofi and his team at Survivor Series. Orton and Legacy belong in the ring and Kofi, MVP, and Mark belong in the hood. SLAP! Kofi lays one on Randy and tensions escalate…
Commercials.
Randy Orton v. Mark Henry
We’re JIP as Orton is having issues with Henry. Orton proves his smarts by turning the tables on Henry. Ten Punch…equals big mistake. Henry with a bearhug, followed by a lariat for two. Galvin stomp by Orton and the knee drop follows for a two count. Orton with a chinlock and we miss something that gets Henry taken down for a two count. Orton drops the knees and he stomps on the side of the face. Chinlock once again applied. Orton off the ropes…POWERSLAM BY HENRY! That gets a close two count. Henry counters a few punches with a headbutt and he squashes Orton in the corner. Headbutts fly and Orton is reeling. Sunset flip attempt…doesn’t work on Henry, but Orton gets an opportune RKO for the win!
Winner: Randy Orton
Grade: C-
Kofi checks on Mark Henry and Orton pimpslaps Kofi. Kofi responds with a huge right hand that knocks Orton out of the ring.
Commercials.
Next week, the new RAW Theme debuts. “Burn it to the Ground” by Nickelback. Someone within WWE forgot to check the lyrics to that song.
Boxer v. Wrestler: Ricky Hatton v. Chavo Guerrero
Ricky Hatton is in his bizarre outfit and Justin Roberts bills this a MMA match. Here is WWE’s take on MMA. Chavo takes a cheapshot. Chavo has to win by pinfall or submission and Ricky has to win by countout. Chavo plays keep-away for the most part and Hatton punches Chavo to the outside where he takes a breather. Chavo tries a single leg takeover, but Hatton escapes. Chavo kicks him in the gut and he tries a waistlock. CHAVO GETS KNOCKED THE **** OUT!
Winner: Ricky Hatton
Grade: N/R (I won’t rate this as this wasn’t a wrestling match, but it sucked either way.)
Commercials.
Did You Know: WWE.com owned MLB.com during the World Series. Is that even an achievement? Let me know when WWE.com surpasses someone credible, like CNN.com.
We hype Survivor Series.
John Cena is now Hornswoggle’s caretaker. He sends them away and DX wants the midget. Cena wants to deal with Hornswoggle. Shawn says that he should not judge them, but Cena says thats a personality problem. Cena knows he’s the odd man out. He brings up Twitter and Trips and Shawn say they never tweet each other. Cena reminds them of the Triple Threat concept and Hunter knows it better. Shawn warns Cena to not distract them. Shawn wants the midget. Hornswoggle comes out and he is a mini-Cena. DX leaves and Horny sheds off the Cena outfit.
Commercials.
We recap last week’s Crazy Train!
Next week Roddy Piper is in charge!
And here comes Cena! (TM Michael Cole) He’s on commentary for our main event. Last week, Vintage was overused…what happens this week?
JeriShow v. DX
Michaels and Jericho begin to start. Hunter quickly tags in and Jericho goes pillar to post. Jericho comes back. To the ropes and Hunter gets the high knee. Jericho gets catapulted out of the ring as we go to break!
Commercials.
We’re back and Shawn is in peril as Show comes in and he takes care of him until Michaels kicks him in the legs for two. Double handed chokebomb connects and Show toys around. Tag to Jericho and he continues the onslaught. Tag back to Big Show and Shawn gets out of danger and tags in Hunter. Knee smash connects, but Big Show backdrops out of the Pedigree. SPEAR BY SHOW! Cena flubs his mathematics with Show’s spear, but who am I to judge? Tag to Jericho and he connects with body shots. Headlock applied, but Hunter gets out of things…until he runs into a knee from Jericho. Cover gets two as Michaels looks on. Tag back to Show and our disfunctional tag team is functional tonight. Show stands on Hunter because that is a move he uses. Pillar to post we go and Trips knocks the gum out of Show’s mouth. He responds with a lariat. Big Splash gets two. Jericho goes to the commentary that Big Show is a giant destroyer. There’s people BIGGER than Big Show? Headbutts connect and Jericho comes back in. Hunter goes corner to corner and he explodes with a SPINEBUSTER! Shawn gets the tag and Jericho is in trouble. Atomic Drops are tossed like candy and Big Show gets taken down. Shawn goes to the top and he hits the elbow for our first Vintage usage in the match. Shawn tunes the band and he misses the Sweet Chin Music. Jericho gets the Walls, but Shawn gets out of it. Show squashes Shawn and he accidentally KO’s Jericho. Hunter takes out Show and Jericho is pinned.
Winners: DX
Grade: B-
Justin Roberts informs us of next week’s tag team Triple Threat! DX v. JeriShow v. John Cena & The Undertaker! The Undertaker shows up on RAW and YAY! Perfect.
Show over.
The WWE RAW Report Card
DX d. JeriShow: B-
Ricky Hatton d. Chavo Guerrero: N/R
Randy Orton d. Mark Henry: C-
Evan Bourne d. Jack Swagger: D-
Sheamus d. Some Jobber: F
Alicia Fox d. Kelly Kelly: C-
The Final Grade for WWE RAW: D+
The show was fun to a degree, but the effort was definitely lacking. The segments were fun and inoffensive, but the absence of Chris Masters (not counting the RAW Rewind) didn’t help matters. Here’s hoping MSG is kind next week. I know I’m on tap Sunday for TNA Turning Point, so see you then or somewhere in between!
