For Your Consideration…SmackDown! (No Subtitle Needed)

For Your Consideration…SmackDown! (No Subtitle Needed)

So the long and the short of it is that after watching the WWE give away a blockbuster tag match (again) in JeriShow/DX, I figured I would recap the Smackdown where they give away a potential Wrestlemania match. See, a few months back I did a very premature hypothetical Wrestlemania card. Some of my predictions seem like they might very well be on pace to come true. I had said that I would have loved to see a Batista/Cena match where Dave was the heel. Now, only a few short months later, Dave’s a heel. I also said that I would imagine the WWE would go with HHH/HBK for the WWE Title, and now at Survivor Series we get the two of them locking up for the strap as friends, which will inevitably plant the seeds of animosity that will grow towards the inevitable showdown.

Lastly, I talked about who would face The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. He’s beaten most of the roster in Mania bouts, so with only a few years left, he would probably want to beat someone new. The list of folks that are of his caliber that he hasn’t pinned at Mania is shrinking rapidly. Undertaker could have faced CM Punk, but we’ve already seen them lock up a few times and despite Punk’s best efforts, the matches really didn’t seem to set the world on fire. Taker could face Cena, but that would mean not only doing a cross-brand feud with two faces (something that tends to confuse the audience unless Cena plays the heel…something Vince just won’t let him do), not to mention eliminating any chance of throwing Cena into a title match (or possibly his first Money in the Bank). Finally, I said that the should do Undertaker/Jericho.

Chris Jericho and The Undertaker have yet to face one another in a big match, making this one of the last true main event contests that would be fresh. Putting them on the “grandest stage of all” would allow Chris at least two months to deliver some of the greatest promos of his career. Imagine the vitriol he could spew about fans following a man who preaches following the dark side and embracing death. Best of all, your finish pretty much writes itself. You have Chris Jericho, the world beater. He’s taken down John Cena, he (hopefully by Mania) beat DX, won at Bragging Rights and he stood up to Bob Barker. The last thing for him to do to cement his legacy is to end the undefeated streak. Taker can then come out and it’s, “Blah, blah, blah, creatures of the night, blah, blah, blah, soul, blah, blah, blah, rest in peace.” Then at Mania, Chris could have his moment to actually pin Taker when all of a sudden Edge returns and costs him the win. Boom, you now have your insta-feud for Backlash.

Allowing Edge to be part of the Taker/Jericho match would ensure that his return has immediate impact. The story is, as Dusty Rhodes would put it, the ol’ gunslinger returnin’, lookin’ for tha man who done him wrong, and it don’t mattah who he gotsta go through, he gonna get him sum revenge. In other words, Edge hates Jericho so much that he was willing to help his one-time mortal enemy. Best of all, if Edge isn’t 100% by Mania, he has a limited physical role.

So all of this sounded great and made sense. Then the WWE realized they haven’t done Jericho/Taker, so what do they do? Give it away. For free. In England.

“Rest in peace…”

We open with the slick new Smackdown opener, which I like a hell of a lot better than the last opening video that seemed like it was thrown together on an Apple computer moments before airtime. Best of all, I love that they brought back the random octagon shapes that they used to use on Smackdown. Before I forget, random Twitter plug at twitter.com/awheeler316.

We…are…taped (well, they are always taped) from the United Kingdom (a.k.a. we aren’t in London and don’t trust you to know anything else in the area). Todd and Striker hype Taker/Jericho as the first time ever. We also have a Batista/Rey contract signing and Morrison/Ziggler for the IC Strap.

Opening the show is CM Punk. Wow, all my months of doing RAW prepared me for it to be some third rate celebrity. Also, a nice plus is that Matt Striker is calling the show, who is leaps and bounds above everyone else on the mic.

We get a replay of CM Punk losing to R-Truth, a sentence that I really hoped I would never have to type in my life. On the plus side, the look on Punk’s face after he got pinned was priceless. A lot of people seem to think that CM Punk is getting buried, but I disagree. See, the addition of Batista (and subsequent heel turn) has significantly shifted the dynamic on Friday Night Smackdown. The WWE didn’t seem to have many options for Punk, so this is what they have come up with. Undertaker has paired off with Jericho (and Big Show, who also had nothing to do until their inevitable DX feud), so throwing Punk in the mix would be too cluttered. Rey Mysterio and Batista are off warring with each other, and CM would be nothing but a third wheel. He could face Morrison for the IC Title, but that would be a pretty large fall from grace for the most recent former World Champion. That leaves him to be the guy warring with management. Look, it ensures that he gets weekly television time, he gets matches that further a storyline and a slot at Survivor Series. The other alternative would be him beating members of Cryme Time on Superstars and sitting out one of the Big Four PPVs. Punk will be back in the title picture (his microphone skills and in-ring performances guarantee that), so let him show Creative that his heel shtick is strong enough to carry even the lamest storylines.

Punk has the microphone now (along with an ever impressive beard) and now he buries the UK. He talks about it used to be Kings and Knights, but now it’s as pathetic as America. Punk then moves into his rant about pub drinking, cigar smoking, chewing tobacco (which is admittedly pretty disgusting) and generally weak minded. He says that they are practically decomposing in front of him and all they can do is boo. Fantastic. Punk says that they need to be preached to. Yeah, because religious figures in English history have always led to good. As long as Punk doesn’t say that he’s on a crusade, we should all get out alive.

CM Punk has filed a formal complaint over Scott Armstrong. He is facing R-Truth again tonight, so let’s hope he quickly pins the former TNA Champion. “What’s up? Straight edge, that is what’s up.” See, what did I just say a few paragraphs ago? Punk is opening the show in a sub-par mini-feud and he makes it seem epic.

Speaking of epic, here comes R-Truth. On a given week, how many times do you think Vince forgets that R-Truth is even on the roster? Striker and Todd hype Team Orton versus Team Kofi as Truth continues to be the 21st Century minstrel act. Oh crap, he’s cutting a promo. Truth says that he wants to file a complaint against Punk…a complaint against him for impersonating a man. Look, if he ad-libbed that himself, that’s fine, but if someone actually wrote that line for him, it’s time for Vince to do some housecleaning in Creative. Truth calls him a punk. Uh, okay. Truth then turns into Dr. Phil and talks about why Punk feels the need to preach before asking everyone what’s up. Alrighty then. Hey, at least Truth is trying. Maybe Punk will accidentally elevate Truth.

R-Truth starts off by hammering away on Punk before getting caught in the GTS position but turns it into a kick to the face. The sound in the ring is much louder than normal due to the differences between NTSC and PAL. Punk gets launched over the top rope and lands hard on the…

Commercials.

We’re back and Striker is praising Punk for filing to get Scott Armstrong removed as his referee. Truth goes to the top rope and Punk kicks him off and R-Truth lands hard on his knee. And now we go to work as Punk takes apart the knee. Striker calls Punk Smackdown’s Johnny Cash, which is a great subtle example of why Matt is the best asset the WWE has at this point on commentary. If they added Jim Ross to this duo and made it a three-man booth, we would have a winning combination. Hell, Ross and Striker would make a strong combo.

Truth, still selling the knee, hits a jawbreaker but gets caught by Punk, who goes back to picking apart the knee. He bridges the leg lock into a chin lock and just stretches Truth. Striker, breaking the cardinal rule of storytelling, talks about the move itself and how it feels. No Matt, we talk about the main event, not the match that’s going on in the ring. Punk launches off the top rope for the clothesline but gets nailed by Truth. I tell you what, Truth has consistently sold his injured knee and hasn’t looked completely lost in the ring. Maybe there’s hope for him yet.

Punk signals for the Go To Sleep, gets Punk up for the GTS put Truth tries to roll him up but Punk sits forward, grabs the ropes and gets the pin. Well, it wasn’t a definitive win (though it was a dominating performance), and now the fans want to see him face Truth at Survivor Series. Simple booking folks. Punk and his glorious chest hair smirks as he leaves.

Striker and Todd (both dapper in suits) pimp Rey Mysterio’s book before they sell the contract signing. The exciting and buoyant Mickie James heads to the ring before Layla pops up to tell her to just leave. Speaking of leaving…

Commercial.

We’re back and still hyping Taker/Jericho before we see Parliament. Mickie James is here with her stupid jaunty hat (which apparently got drafted with her) and in the ring already is Natalya. Well, at the risk of keeping up my misogynistic comment streak, both of these ladies have a…uh…low center of gravity. And by that I mean they both have giant asses. Seriously, to paraphrase “Axe Murderer”, it’s like an orange on a toothpick.

Mickie and Natalya start off with some actual wrestling, which is a nice surprise. Striker talks about how Natalya is the only official female graduate of the Hart Dungeon, and just like that she has more credibility with the fans. Mickie gets thrown to the outside and then launched into the steel steps before being tossed back into the ring. Natalya goes back on the offensive, dominating James. I love the fact that as she’s cheating, she apologizes to the ref.

Mickie takes over, apparently due to her strong thighs, which are a product of horseback riding. Also, apparently she’s part Native American. (Insert Nava-Ho joke here). McCool and Layla come out to the ring and cut up Mickie’s clothing. She gets distracted, locked in the Sharpshooter and taps. Oh I get it, it’s like they are Mean Girls and she’s Lindsay Lohan. Well, she was at one point a lesbian, so I guess it makes sense.

Fans buy tickets to Mania and we watch.

Commercial.

We’re back and Josh Matthews interviews John Morrison. Wow, the only two true Tough Enough success stories. Morrison talks about how he is nervous (and sounds generic and boring) before doing lame jokes about Dolph being nervous. John then drops really generic British celebrity references before holding up his title. You know, they could have just done THAT as the main event for the UK show.

Here comes Drew McIntyre in his sleeveless coat, making him look like a really angry guy in a backwards barber smock. We relive Drew taking out Finlay two weeks ago. I will point out that in one week’s time, Drew took out Finlay and Sheamus took out Noble. Talk about overkill. Striker hypes Team Miz versus Team Morrison, and if anyone on Team Miz gets eliminated, I’ll be pretty shocked.

Drew has the microphone. I like the gimmick he has of not letting unworthy opponents step in the ring. Too bad he talks like a slow grandmother. He has the same intensity about beating Finlay that someone’s nana would have about someone leaving the window open.

Commercial.

Here comes Finlay, who seems to get a nice pop. I’m curious to see if Drew can finally show us why Vince believes that he will be a future champion. Take that promise with a grain of salt; the same thing was said about Elijah Burke and Nathan Jones. Finlay is hammering away on Drew as Todd informs us that Ireland and Scotland are fierce rivals. Coming up next on overstatements…

Striker talks about how Drew got signed by Vince at a celebrity golf tournament, which doesn’t make a lot of sense but is plausible. Finlay hammers Drew out of the ring, then back into the ring, then out of the ring and then back into the ring. You really get the impression that they don’t like each other. Finlay’s ability to work with the young talent makes him worth his weight in gold. Well, maybe not his weight because he’s pretty round. Let’s say Hornswoggle’s weight. Drew and Finlay trade punches and the ref ends the match “for the safety of the superstars.” Drew gets Finlay’s stick and lays him out as Striker questions why Drew would risk professional discipline for personal reasons. About time someone pointed that out. Drew leaves, comes back in, grabs the sheleighly and wails on Finlay again.

Finlay is still in the ring. Striker says that normally they would have cut to commercial but we are getting an intimate look at the risks that wrestlers take. Wow, this is actually pretty brilliant. Drew McIntyre was able to do that to Finlay, so he must have an air of credibility. I had said for a while that ECW was the best of the three shows (a statement by colleague Pulse Glazer re-iterated a few days ago), but this week’s episode of Smackdown so far is giving them a run for their money.

Commercial.

More generic English shots bring us back and Matt Striker is in the ring with a black table and two chairs, which means its contract signing time. Rey comes out first in a leather jacket, some chains and a mask. He’s like an S&M freak that kids can get behind (no pun intended). Striker introduces Batista as a former World Heavyweight Champion, keeping himself neutral. Dave is out in his standard borderline gay see-through shirt and he’s holding an ominous black folder.

Both guys sit down and Striker is STILL selling this like its real. Rey reluctantly wants to just sign the contract and leave. Batista signs first with heelish pen strokes before sliding the contract over to Mysterio. Well, it’s official. Wait, Batista pulls out the ominous black folder. Wait, is HE really the father of Rey’s kid? No, it’s a “hold harmless” agreement in which Rey would absolve Batista of any guilt after what he does to the Mexican at Survivor Series. Legally, the document means nothing. When you enter a wrestling ring, you are consenting to physical conduct. You cannot contract with someone to not sue them for battery. Alright, that’s enough legal nonsense. Rey refuses to sign but Dave tosses off his sunglasses to show that he’s evil, calls Rey a coward and promises to break his neck if he doesn’t sign (at which point Rey could sue him). You know, I love the way that Dave is sort of this cool and calm heel who just sort of rages like an abusive husband at the drop of a hat. Rey signs it and promises to embarrass Batista before flipping the table onto Dave. Batista roid rages the set as we smash to…

Commercial.

We’re back and its IC Title time. Dolph Ziggler, complete with a shiny silver vest reserved for most mid-80s jobbers comes to the ring. Poor Dolph has been so mishandled that…well…he reminds me of the way they used to treat John Morrison.

Speaking of which, here comes the “slow motion superstar” dressed like Fozzy Bear. Wow, this match has the potential to be a good one. Morrison goes for a takedown but gets punched in the face. Dolph then runs for the ropes and demands a clean break. He then jumps John from behind. The IC Title has changed hands three times in the UK apparently. Morrison hits a flapjack and then delivers the twisty-turny-leg drop. See, its stuff like that move that makes me believe that Morrison should have stayed a heel. The move isn’t flashy, it’s arrogant.

Morrison goes to the top rope but eats a clothesline. Dolph drives the knee into Morrison’s stomach. He goes for the pin midway through Striker tossing to commercial, and Striker STOPS HIS PROMO TO LISTEN TO THE COUNT! On the scale of little things, that has gotta be at the top. If that doesn’t make one of the countless “10 Thoughts” columns, I don’t know what will.

Commercial.

We’re back and Dolph is still in control. Ziggler has looked good so far in this match, delivering some high impact offense. Unfortunately, he is breaking this up with an oddly timed rest-hold (which should have been saved for the commercial breaks…come on, it’s a taped show). Dolph is still stomping away as he mocks Morrison, only to eat an uppercut. We go through a boo-yay punch fest before Ziggler eats a flying forearm.

Maybe it’s been all the RAW recapping but I can’t remember the last time two midcard guys were given this much time. Morrison goes for the Moonlight Drive but Dolph counters it for a two count. Striker is praising Dolph for conserving energy, which keeps a bit of realism that is sorely missed when I’m watch a midget wrestle a guy in a chicken costume.

John goes for Starship Pain but Dolph moves and Ziggler gets a two count. John hits a flying kick off the second rope for two. These two are giving their all in a free match, which has got to inspire the majority of the IWC community. They are both on the top rope, hammer each other and then knock each other off the top rope to the outside. They are both out cold and the match is over. Well, that’s an inventive way to secure a count-out. I don’t blame them for not going with a finish here, and we get a few replays of the bump. So we didn’t get a finish but that was a solid contest.

Commercial.

Beth Phoenix is out now and she’s facing Lisa Taylor, a jobber who apparently is the British Commonwealth Champion. Not since WCW have I seen so many female jobbers on a weekly basis. Beth squashes this girl, hits a neckbreaker and then delivers the Glam Slam for a pin. Even while she’s pinning her, she flexes. That’s a great little touch to accentuate her character. Again, a great way to remind the fans that Beth is on Smackdown and a dominant wrestler.

Josh interrupts Jericho who is getting ready to go out there by asking him about facing the Deadman. Jericho points out that The Undertaker is just a man and that for ten year we’ve all waited to see Jericho/Taker. This promo is an example of what we could have gotten to build up Wrestlemania. Oh well. Hey, we got a straight-forward promo from Chris. Huzzah.

Commercial.

We’re back and next week Dolph and Morrison will compete in a 2-out-of-3 falls match for the IC Title. More awesomeness.

And here comes Jericho draped in gold as we get a graphic for the triple threat match at Survivor Series. The production folks get a great shot of Jericho no-selling the Undertaker’s gong and here comes The Undertaker, officially topping Rey Mysterio as THE S&M Superstar for kids. Well, we know this is a big match because Taker gets the fireballs with his entrance.

Striker calls Jericho’s title hunt a vision quest, quoting one of the best/worst teen wrestling movie titles of all time. Sure Taker looks spooky, but I mss the hat. He waits for a thunder crash before removing his leather kimono to reveal the World Title.

There’s the bell and Jericho goes after Taker first before getting pulled off from the ref. Taker then launches Jericho in the corner and Charles Robinson tries to break it up but scampers in fear. Taker then tosses Chris over the top rope. He tosses him then back halfway into the ring before hitting the legdrop.

Striker points out that the two of them have won 36 titles, and when you toss in Big Show, that brings it to over 50. Well damn. Taker works the arm before going for Old School but Chris tosses him off the top rope, onto the mat and into…

Commercial.

We get a hype video for the RAW Main Event triple threat tag match that feels like a PPV piece.

We’re back live and Jericho is hammering away on Taker. Chris is trying his best with an injured undertaker, and you have to wonder how long Taker wants to keep going before he breaks down. Taker gets sent to the outside and Chris is taunting him. By allowing Chris to control the offense, you can mask the fact that Taker is injured. Taking offense allows him the majority of the time to just stand there or lay there and let Chris do all the hard work. Striker, looking to invoke the rage of the IWC, talks about Taker’s legendary battles and mentions Yokozuna. Now I’m flashing back to their casket match and looking for a fork to pluck out my mind’s eye.

Taker is back in control and hits a running clothesline in the corner, hits snake-eyes but eats a dropkick. Chris takes over but eats a boot. They are going back and forth, but Jericho has been made to look like he can hang with Taker, something they really didn’t do with Punk.

Jericho has Taker down and mocks the throat slashing, goes for the Tombstone but Taker reverses, Chris breaks free and chops down Taker. Undertaker sits up, goes for a chokeslam but Jericho rolls it into the Walls of Jericho. Well that was pretty cool. Taker rolls out of it and slaps on the Hell’s Gate and Chris immediately taps out. And Chris Jericho jobs again. Maybe Chris will get the pin on RAW.

Well, it’s the Big Show (said less with enthusiasm and more with indifference). Taker stumbles to his feet and JeriShow go to work. Show Chokeslams Taker before hitting the Hogan legdrop. Jericho then locks in the Walls as Show goes for his Hog Lock nonsense. Wait a minute…wait a minute…that’s gotta be…that’s gotta be Kane!

Big Show leaves the ring and Kane lays out Jericho. I smell next week’s Smackdown Main Event.

Vince McMahon is in the back on the phone with Teddy Long and sure enough he books JeriShow versus The Brothers of Destruction. Kane in the ring summons the power of pyro and we…are…outta…here.

This has been for your consideration.