For Your Consideration…It’s RAW from MSG with Piper. What more do you need?

For Your Consideration…It’s RAW from MSG with Piper. What more do you need?

It’s Monday Night Live with Rowdy Roddy Piper at MSG. I don’t need much hype here. All I need to do is hope they pull out all the stops. Speaking of which, I have a Smackdown recap that should hopefully FINALLY be up (I turned it in Saturday morning and it’s not up yet). You can find it at: http://tinyurl.com/yk6e28p I know it’s a few days old, but I promise you it’s worth it. Also, come follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316.

The World is Watching.

And it’s Roddy Piper in the back. And he has Luis Guzman. Wait, what? Guzman is pimping “Old Dogs”. Wow, it took ten seconds and Piper is already freaking out. Why the hell didn’t they bother to do this live in the ring?

Roddy Piper invites out Bobby Flay but this brings out Iron Sheik who starts ranting about Hulk Hogan. Sheik has his old action figure and it is pummeling Hogan’s figure.

“Live from New York, it’s Monday Night RAW.”

And here’s the new RAW theme, which is…uh…borderline competent. Speaking of borderline competent, Michael Cole welcomes us to RAW at MSG. Tonight we have DX versus JeriShow versus Taker & Cena.

We open with a US Title match. I love that rather than use the regular stage, we get the MSG stage that they tend to bust out for WWE MSG PPVs (I love typing acronyms, saves me some time). Miz is out first and manages to draw heat from the notoriously smart crowd. Miz then goes conventional and mocks the Yankees for buying their World Series championship. Well that’s just uncalled for.

Miz mentions that he’s from Cleveland but gets interrupted by a “Let’s Go Yankees!” chant. Gotta say, I am impressed that Miz is actually controlling the raucous crowd. By the way, if this is Bryan Danielson, the place is going to fucking explode.

Unfortunately, his opponent is MVP. Well, that sort of killed all the momentum they just built. MVP comes out and whores for the fans in a Yankees cap. Sherri Shepherd is ringside and he gives her his cap. She’s dressed like Michael Jackson for some reason.

For some reason, the New York fans are ridiculously pro-MVP. My guess is they are clinging to the OLD MVP that had limitless potential in the ring and amazing microphone skills and not the current MVP who is pretty dull and just taking up space. In the match itself, Miz is doing his best to keep this thing going, and MVP is more than happy to hit offensive moves and soak in those rapidly dwindling pops.

MVP hits the Ballin Elbow For Two and then goes for the Playmaker but the whole ordeal only gets two. On the plus side, this match has been a great example of MVP’s whole career in the WWE. Big opening, diminishing returns. By the end, the fans were pretty disinterested with him. Miz hits the SCF for the pin and Sherri Shepherd isn’t happy.

Tonight, Melina and Alecia Fox will compete in a “Who can botch more spots” match for the Divas Title.

Commercial.

The WWE Slam of the week is brought to you by Sonic. Speaking of something bad for you and nothing but filler, here’s a replay of Chavo losing to Ricky Hatton.

Chavo is in the ring and doesn’t even get a televised intro. His opponent is Santino and…he gets a pop?! Come on New York, you’re better than that. Santino comes out in a Rangers jersey to suck up to the crowd. He takes off that jersey to reveal a Giants jersey to boos. He takes that off and reveals a Knicks jersey and gets booed again. He then reveals a Jets jersey and now he’ll need security to leave the building. He takes that off and is wearing a Mets jersey. He then reveals a Phillies jersey before finally revealing a Yankees jersey. Hope he washes that before giving it back to the Brawler.

Chavo kicks Santino in the stomach, hits the Three Amigos and goes up top for the Frog Splash, but we get a cute bit where Santino keeps rolling around the ring. This is somehow getting a pop. Oh fuck, here comes the midget who distracts Chavo and Santino wins.

But wait, here comes DX doing their manly skipping to the ring. HHH sucks up to the fans by calling this the most famous arena in the world. Dude, they just popped for Santino, you’re safe.

Remember when New York crowds would destroy people’s careers? Now they are letting DX get away with this crap. HHH and Shawn are shilling their book before talking about Survivor Series. Hunter mentions Cena’s name and the fans boo him. Original. HHH talks about how DX will still be a unit after Survivor Series (not at all foreshadowing their inevitable breakup). Shawn now transitions into talking about Hornswoggle.

Hornswoggle comes into the ring and starts doing the DX chop over and over again. This segment is STILL going on. HHH promises to let the midget into DX, but only if he’s ready. You know, like their catchphrase. So, this lame abomination continues as DX goes into their standard shtick, “thousands…millions…and for Hornswoggle…” but then HHH sets Hornswoggle up for the Pedigree. And he hits it. That was the smallest Pedigree HHH ever delivered in MSG…excluding Benoit.

DX pulls out a DX stretcher as this confusing segment continues. No, this wasn’t a heel turn. This was the only way they could be “edgy”. They did pretty much the same thing to Jim Neidhart and look how things worked out for him. Basically what I’m saying is that next week Hornswoggle is going to beat Jay Lethal on Impact.

Commercial.

My biggest problem with the last segment wasn’t the lame comedy or the confusing ending, but the fact that HHH, Shawn Michaels and John Cena have a WWE Title match on Sunday and it’s been treated like a filler match. What happened to the HHH that was so consumed with the belt that he was willing to pretty much kill anyone in his way? What happened to the Shawn Michaels who would politic until he got the strap around his waist? What happened to the John Cena who had no trouble hyping a crowd over a PPV match? The WWE Title match has no momentum at all, and has been treated as a joke. This is ridiculous.

We’re back and we get to see the midget get another Pedigree. I think the WWE was counting on the MSG crowd to pop for that, but they didn’t, because all the New York smarks stayed home.

Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” is the official MSG theme. Jerry Lawler and a tie-wearing Cole throw us to an MSG package. We get all the standard shots, including Vince getting stunned for the first time, Superfly’s splash, Hogan winning the belt, Hart winning the belt, Ali at Mania, HHH’s return, Cena showing up at the Rumble, Kane being unmasked, Eddie beating Angle, a random Owen Hart shot, Cactus, Andre and Austin stunning Brock and Goldberg. Wow, this was a great example of how the WWE controls history.

Piper is in the back before Chris Jericho shows up. Seriously, why is this not in front of a live crowd? Do they not trust Piper? Chris Masters shows up and does his pec bounce thing again, which draws the attention of the Bella Twins. This was pointless.

Speaking of pointless, the two other members of The Black-Eyed Peas are ringside and the Divas are walking to the ring and we are on our way to…

Commercial.

Justin Roberts invites out the guest ring announcer, Judah Friedlander. Alright, Judah’s someone I can get behind seeing on television. He seems legitimately enthused, which is a plus. Melina is out first and she is defending her Tramp Stamp title as Cole hypes Survivor Series.

Her opponent is Alicia Fox, who almost makes Primo look polished. Why does the WWE think that she’s the heir apparent to the Divas division? I mean I’m just as glad as anyone to not see Jillian Hall, but seriously. Judah came to RAW for two reasons: 1) to see Melina’s entrance and 2) make it a lumberjill match. Well, that’s a way to get the Divas on television.

Melina does the Trish Matrix move before getting thrown outside and the heel Divas, who are all dressed like…what’s a nice way to put this…butch women who enjoy craft shows…toss her back into the ring. Once she’s in, Alicia delivers some highly telegraphed moves before Melina hits the Canadian Destroyer, a move that will someday kill one of her opponents.

The Divas flood the ring and the faces clean house before hugging Judah. He now starts doing RVD’s shtick before we go to an awkward commercial break. Coming up next, Roddy Piper will FINALLY come to the ring…

Commercial.

Cole and Lawler announce that the WWE renewed their contract with USA through 2014. Wow, Lawler said the deal is better than he and Cole. Ouch.

Piper is out and I really hope he keeps the crazy to a minimum long enough to do something classic. Roddy doesn’t get the same reaction as Santino, which just makes me sad. We then get a shot of a guy in an ROH shirt, so I know that the fans here are outdated.

Roddy stops his promo to yell at the camera guy. Roddy says that he had some embarrassing moments in the ring but he turns it into a promo against Cyndi Lauper. Roddy puts over Captain Lou before mentioning Bruno, Andre and Hogan (who gets some boos). “If you mess with Hot Rod, you’ll either be bald or dead.” That was great. “I love the dead ones, not so much the bald ones.” That’s fantastic. Roddy loses his point for a minute before waking up and snapping into Hot Rod mode and demands a match against Vince McMahon.

I think we might have ventured off script here, folks. Roddy brings up the “Real Sports” angle and here comes Vince. He’s in a pinstriped suit that he stole from Guys ‘N Dolls and the place erupts.

The thought of Piper and McMahon in the ring live in MSG may redeem this entire show. Vince starts off complimenting Piper’s dye job. “The worst thing you ever did in the Garden was show up here tonight.” Vince buries Piper’s physique and his ugly mug. Piper mocks Vince’s suit as a retaliation. Vince says that he looks better than his locker-room and he’s beaten everyone in the business. Yeah, that’s what happens when you own the company.

Vince turns this awkward promo into announcing his retirement from action. Piper then says that he’s insane and if he can beat cancer, he can beat Vince. He wants the match tonight. That promo was like being on drugs; you know it’s a bad idea when you do it yet you hope for the best, and when it starts to turn on you, you realize that the only way out is to just wait it out and hope that in the end it isn’t as bad as you think.

Commercial.

We’re back and we have a graphic for Piper/McMahon.

Sheamus is out next. I think the WWE over-estimated the MSG crowd. They opened with MVP/Miz in the hopes that Miz would get a face pop and it didn’t. They hoped the fans would turn on Hornswoggle and they didn’t. They hoped the fans would love Vince/Piper and they didn’t. Now? Sheamus who gets no reaction.

Sheamus calls out anyone from the back. Will this be the moment where we get Danielson? Apparently he officially retired Jamie Noble and now he’s going to attack Mark Eaton. Wait, Lawler has taken off his microphone and was going to challenge Sheamus but eats a wicked bicycle kick. That was great. He didn’t even let Lawler get the bat off his shoulder before taking him out. That should have drawn him immense heel heat. Instead, it drew a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Matt Striker is out filling in for Lawler. Yay for Striker on RAW. Cole is still using his “this is serious” voice as we pimp Team Kofi versus Team Orton.

Here comes Evan Bourne, who should get a nice pop from any random ROH-bots in the crowd. We relive Swagger losing to Bourne last week as Striker puts over the fact that he has seen both men evolve in ECW. Here comes Swagger and a break, so stay tuned to watch Bourne get pinned.

Commercial.

We’re back and Swagger has Bourne in a wasitlock. We get a replay of Bourne eating a wheel barrel suplex, which I wish they showed live. Instead, we get this resthold. I love the fact that Striker is pointing out why we should care about this match, namely that guys like Austin and Cena started out just like them. Bourne gets some token offense before eating a gut-wrench powerbomb for the pin. Nice little thing on Swagger’s part where he waits for Justin Roberts to say his full name before letting the ref raise his hand.

Piper is in the back and he’s walking…well, limping…to the ring.

Commercial.

We get a promo for Survivor Series hyping the WWE Title match with more drama than any of the combatants have done live. Even worse, the promo is teasing this DX dissention that has barely been mentioned on RAW. It’s like they expected the promo to do all the work for them.

We’re back and Piper is in the ring in jeans, so we know it’s a street fight. Roddy calls for the stick before Orton’s music hits. Well, at least Randy is on RAW. So how long does Orton kill him before Kofi makes the save?

Randy has the microphone and babbles for a minute before kicking Piper in the stomach. Five gold stars to Striker for mentioning the history between Piper and Bob Orton. Cole immediately shuts that down for some reason. Orton pulls out the Garvin Stomp and Piper just over-sells it like he’s being shot. Randy lines up for the Punt of Mild Annoyance before Kingston finally makes the save. Orton walks to the back but Kofi finally realizes that just because someone leaves the ring doesn’t mean they can’t be touched, so he jumps Orton at the entrance and they fight into the crowd. Wow, the WWE might actually accidentally book Kofi to look smart.

Randy has gained control of Kofi now and has Kingston back in the ring. He goes for the Punt but Kofi leaps up and pounds on Randy. This thing seems like a legit fight, which is what they needed to do. Now it seems personal. Added bonus on the part of Striker for pointing out that no one knew that Kofi had this in him, which makes the brawl all that more unique. Finally, the zebras show up to break up the fight.

Well, at least they tried. Kofi and Orton have now battled all over the arena, as they are behind the tech position. Randy is now IN the tech booth as Kofi has a nondescript case. He blasts Orton in the head and the look on Randy’s face is hilarious. Wow, it actually looks like Orton has been busted open. Well, definitively winning a brawl is one way to get him over. But wait, there’s more as Kofi climbs onto the security railing to splash Orton, but the refs pull him down. He shrugs them off and does the Boom Boom Boom, driving Orton through the table. Ladies and gentlemen, Creative might have just made Kofi Kingston.

If you listen closely, you can hear John Morrison weeping into his fur coat.

Commercial.

“Hulk Hogan in his prime.” Take that, TNA. Now those three or four TNA fans might not credibly believe that a man Hogan’s age can beat young, roided up WWE Future Endeavored talent in Orlando.

We are in the back and there’s Cena. He talks about how great NYC is before hyping the main event. This is a bit of a risk putting Taker in front of a live New York crowd and teaming him with Cena. A production guy delivers Cena a message that apparently it isn’t a handicap match but rather a triple threat match. Again with the humor for this match? On the plus side, Cena drops a Ghostbusters reference, which earns him one million cool points.

JeriShow is out first, complete with their remix. Wait, it’s 10:57 and we’re going to…

Commercial.

So this main event is getting like 5 minutes. What is this, Nitro? Well, if this was Nitro, they would have pulled The Undertaker, replaced him with Road Warrior Animal, and end it with Dennis Rodman pinning Cena.

Next week Jesse Ventura is our Guest GM (complete with Matt Striker impersonation) for three hours. Oy, three hours. That might require me busting out a Red Bull.

Here comes DX, but will it be for the last time? (cue ominous music and thunder crashing)

No, no it won’t.

And here comes Cena and here come the boos. Cena hightails it to the ring so that we can get an eight minute long Undertaker entrance followed by 30 seconds of wrestling. Hope you didn’t set your DVR for RAW, because it’s 11:02 and the match hasn’t even started.

I hear druids moaning nonsense, which means it’s time for Taker. Well, we know we are at MSG because I see druids with torches. We hear the gong and the fans pop like the Pavolovian dogs they’ve been all night. You know, back in the day he walked slowly towards the ring to build ambiance. Now? I ‘m not sure he can go any faster.

We get the FULL Taker entrance, complete with him taking off his hat. He’s like a giant Mickie James. Striker points out that there are a lot of storylines going on here, which is a bit of an understatement.

Cena, Jericho and Michaels start it off, but in comes Big Show. Apparently we’re doing dueling three-way dances. Now it’s Taker, Big Show and Triple H in the ring. Taker and Triple H double-team Big Show, who eats a knee drop and a clothesline. Taker then boots Triple H in the face. Hunter then hits a Spinebuster that looked a little sloppy. Michaels gets tagged in and the two MOTY competitors are in the ring. We get a few seconds of the greatest hits before Big Show spears Taker and takes down Michaels. Jericho is in the ring and delivers a bulldog to Shawn. Chris goes for a Lionsault but it gets blocked and Cena is somehow in the ring. It’s now Cena, Triple H and Jericho. This thing is basically a hodgepodge of Superstars doing some random moves to pop the crowd and nothing more.

Taker clotheslines Big Show out of the ring but Show tosses Undertaker into the security railing. Jericho gets two on Cena for some reason and now Chris, Hunter and John are lying on the floor. Michaels is in now and he’s going for the elbow drop on Jericho. Sweet Chin Music misses before Cena goes into the Five Moves of Mediocrity.

Hunter and Cena are in now and we are at 11:12. Spinebuster by HHH, Pedigree attempt but Big Show breaks it up. He turns around and eats Sweet Chin Music. Codebreaker on Shawn. Taker Chokeslam on Jericho. Clothesline out of the ring by HHH. FU by Cena on HHH and it’s over. That was a whole lot of frosting and no cake.

Undertaker now for some reason Tombstones John Cena, and are we foreshadowing Wrestlemania?

This has been for your consideration.