For Your Considerationâ€¦Slapsgiving
So, itâ€™s a three hour RAW Thanksgiving Extravaganza, complete with three brands of talent, an ex-governor and probably a food fight. Can you feel the excitement? If so, you should probably seek the care of a physician (see, you thought I was going lame Slim Jim joke, but instead I just went overall lame joke).
Also, last night was Survivor Series, andâ€¦wellâ€¦Iâ€™m a moron. See, every singe PPV ever on PulseWrestling has had a Rasslin Roundtable. So normally the writers on the site go to the previously named Super Secret Writers Forum and we all compile our thoughts into the column that you know and love (and by love I mean mildly skim through in an effort to see if you are smarter than the folks who write for a site infected with annoying banner ads with insanely loud sounds). Unfortunately, for some reason, one was not done. I, probably not of sound mind and body, wrote one before checking the forum to see if we were actually doing one. Apparently relying on every single previous PPV was a foolish move, because we werenâ€™t doing one. What does that mean for you? Well, you get to read my damn post anyway, because it was actually really well written. Even better (and this can be verified), I got every match right. So, to my Twitter followers who were let down when I promised a Roundtable and never delivered (you too can be a Twitter follower at twitter.com/awheeler316), and to the rest of you who didnâ€™t really know it was coming but arenâ€™t going to complain about interesting reading material, I present:
Andrew Wheelerâ€™s Rasslin Roundtable Picks (clever name, huh?)
John Cena v. Triple H v. Shawn Michaels
Andrew Wheeler: This has got to be the single worst build towards a WWE-esque Dream Match of all time. Seriously, strip away the DX gimmick and youâ€™ve got Shawn Michaels and Triple H, two of the biggest draws in the company today competing for a world title. Thatâ€™s right folks, this is a WWE Title match. Triple H and Shawn Michaels have always been billed as two men who are obsessed with being champions, yet their attitude towards this match has been casual at best. That is not the type of action that is going to inspire confidence in the fans. If they donâ€™t really care about the match, why should the audience? The bulk of this feud has revolved around a fucking midget. Iâ€™ve let my anger over Hornswoggle take a backseat in the past few weeks because, to be perfectly honest, he was finally being used properly. The WWE wasnâ€™t putting him in any major matches (unlike Survivor Series 2007 where I got to watch him wrestle The Great Khaliâ€¦I still wake up at nights screaming), and the bulk of his screen time has been shared with Santino and Chavo (two guys who arenâ€™t exactly one good push away from becoming world champions). Then the WWE started putting him in DX segments. That was fine too, because Hornswoggleâ€™s shtick has revolved around the Guest GMs, and DX has done nothing but suck up to the celebrity of the week all the time. Again, thatâ€™s fine. Hornswoggle serves his purpose in the WWE well. Heâ€™s there to pop the fans a little, entertain the kids, do lame comedy skits and stay out of the way of the serious stuff. Now, however, heâ€™s smack dab in the middle of the serious stuff. Hornswoggleâ€™s nonsense has somehow melded into the WWE Title picture, and rather than the participants elevate him, heâ€™s dragged them down to his level. There is zero intensity going into Survivor Series between these three. The title itself is an afterthought, which is a shame because despite the Age of Orton being a complete borefest, it at least made the WWE Title seem valuable. Sure, DX was hamming it up with Bob Barker, but Randy Orton was willing to almost kill people for his precious title. Now it seems all of the intensity and violence that normally surrounds the strap has segued into the Orton/Kofi feud, while all of the shenanigans that permeate most of Monday Night Live have seeped into the title picture. My guess is the WWE is using this match to subtly tease the inevitable HHH/HBK match at Wrestlemania. A few months ago, I did what most would call a â€œfantasyâ€ Mania card, but I tried to be as realistic as possible. My card back then seemed borderline clairvoyant, as it appeared my Undertaker/Jericho match was pretty damn accurate. Unfortunately, after looking at the RAW roster, it was clear that the only big draw left was to see Triple H and Shawn Michaels go at it for the first time ever at a Wrestlemania. This meant that DX would have to split up, but not before getting a few good live tours out of them. DX will not split up after Survivor Series. Iâ€™m sure what the WWE is setting up is for there to seem like trouble in paradise between the members of DX and JeriShow, which will lead to the inevitable DX/JeriShow match next month. Ultimately, DX will break up and go to war with each other, but for now they will continue to skip to the ring and pull wacky pranks that mean nothing. Oh, and theyâ€™ll job to John Cena, because thereâ€™s no way they are taking the strap off of him here.
Winner: John Cena
Undertaker v. Chris Jericho v. Big Show
Andrew Wheeler: Now hereâ€™s a match that seems to be taking this thing seriously. Chris Jericho cannot help but convey authenticity when he is competing for a title, whether it is a tag strap, a singles title or a Bragging Rights trophy. Hell, his overselling excitement of the trophy alone made the entire PPV seem worth it. Then thereâ€™s The Big Show. Say what you want about the guy, he is still a main event level wrestler. His partnership with Jericho has been something of a renaissance for him, which has added significant value to the big man. Again, with that said, neither Jericho nor Show are actually winning the belt. Taker is saving his title for a run against heel Batista, a match-up that we have yet to actually see as a traditional face/heel program. Meanwhile, Jericho and Big Show will move on to their double-super team storyline, as the intrigue will build as to whether DX or JeriShow will implode. Not exactly an earth-shattering storyline, but it should make for some decent promos. Yep, thatâ€™s it. I do all that analysis for Cena/DX and this is all you get for the Smackdown main event. Sorry.
Team Kofi v. Team Orton
Andrew Wheeler: Well, on the one hand, Team Kofi has had all of the momentum building up to Survivor Series, which usually means they are going to lose. On the other hand, Team Morrison is so weak that Iâ€™m pretty sure that Team Miz is going to win there (and maybe sweep). My guess here is that MVP, Henry and R-Truth get knocked out, but Kofi and Christian use their plucky underdog status to somehow come back and win. They need to further Kofi/Orton further, which does make me think that Team Orton could win here. After all, that would mean you have to job out Legacy, Regal AND Punk. Then again, nothing straps a rocket to your back and launches you up the card like being the sole survivor. So, in weighing the options, I guess I will have to go withâ€¦
Winner: Team Kofi
Team Morrison v. Team Mix
Andrew Wheeler: Morrison seems to have a team of all jobbers, so this one is pretty much a no-brainer. My guess is that Miz is going to get eliminated by Morrison thanks to Jack Swagger, and then Swagger steps up and wins it for his team. I like the Swagger/Miz quasi-feud, so chances are having one of them cost the other a pin at SurSer should further those proceedings. The other reason I think that Team Miz is winning is that I donâ€™t think creative wants to job out Drew just yet. Yes, I know most Survivor Series eliminations come from a clothesline, but a pin is still a pin. Maybe Drew will be the one to eliminate Morrison, setting up a feud for them down the line. Either way, this one should probably be a lot more entertaining than the other 5-on-5 match, because this one has no Mark Henry (the presence of Matt Hardy and R-Truth cancel each other out).
Winner: Team Miz
Batista v. Rey Mysterio
Andrew Wheeler: So hereâ€™s the deal; Rey is injured, but thatâ€™s not why heâ€™s going to lose. Heâ€™s going to lose because Batista needs the heel momentum, and him getting pinned on Sunday will do nothing but damage what the WWE is trying to accomplish in the first place. Dave needs to win in an uncomfortable style. He should win because of a ref stoppage. He should win because Reyâ€™s wife comes out and begs him to stop. If you are the WWE, you need to cement the fact that their friendship is over and that Dave is a bad man. This way, when Mysterio challenges him for the rematch, everyone will think that heâ€™s nuts. Dave has to be the top heel on Smackdown to feud with Undertaker, while Rey can simply fade into oblivion to fix his busted up knees.
Team Mickie v. Team McCool
Andrew Wheeler: Well the heels are all mean girls and the faces are all chaste, smart, sexy and powerful girls, so the good girls should win. Look, this match is on the card simply to pop the fans, so why not let Mickie get the pin on McCool in the end to set up their continuing feud?
Winner: Team Mickie
So there you have it, my Roundtable picks. And, seeing as how I got them all correct (and was the only shmuck to do one in the first place), I announce myself Survivor Series Roundtable Champion. Please, hold your applause.
Alright, onto RAW.
â€œWhat a night!â€
We go right to the terrible Nickelback opener, which makes me long for â€œRAW is War is goinâ€™ in your eyeâ€ or whatever the song said.
And hereâ€™s the pyro and hereâ€™s the WWEHD logo and hereâ€™s Michael Cole wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving despite the fact that itâ€™s Monday. Apparently Cole had a flashback to doing pre-taped SmackDowns. Either that or heâ€™s just given up entirely and hit the Jack early. Iâ€™m leaning towards the second one because he welcomed us to Chocolate Town, and Hersey looks nothing like Detroit (ooo, controversial and edgyâ€¦).
Tonight, in honor of our three hours of wrestling, the WWE is giving us Punk/Cena. For the first time ever. With zero pre-show hype. Even better, they gave away the result of Survivor Series without making a big deal about it. When you have a Big Four PPV, you tend to want to drag out the suspense for those folks who may not have seen the show. Oh well, falling on deaf earsâ€¦kinda like the incredibly lame leaf graphics surrounding Punk and Cena.
Justin Roberts welcomes us to a raw Thanksgiving, which is exactly the reason you donâ€™t wanna cook your stuffing inside the bird. He then welcomes out former governor, color commentator and apparently future host of a TruTV show, Jesse â€œThe Bodyâ€ Ventura.
And here comesâ€¦Orton? Well, as Randy slowly saunters towards the ring, it allows me time to point out how smart it was for the WWE to have Kofi pin Orton so quickly that their inevitable one-on-one match will still have added intrigue.
Randy calls attention to the monotony of RAW by saying that normally the GM comes out and gets interrupted, but Orton is going off script. Randy points out that the Cowboy thought of Jesse as a radical. Not a Radical, mind you. Wow, random thought, half of that stable is dead. Hmm.
Orton reminds us that heâ€™s not allowed to face Cena, but apparently that written in stone stipulation can be waived by any GM. And here comes Ventura. Heâ€™s wearing something from the Fabulous Moolah collection, which makes me think heâ€™s going more the route of Piper and less the route of dignity.
Jesse slips right back into wrestling mode and says that he ainâ€™t dressed like a governor, heâ€™s dressed like pro wrestling. On that alone, make him the permanent GM. Pay him whatever his other job is paying him and let him run wild. Ventura says that Orton reminds him of a young Body. You know, except for the fact that Orton was successful in the ring and became a world champion as opposed to suffering an injury and ending his career. Also the fact that I donâ€™t think Randy is pro-union.
Ventura calls himself the Governor of Revolution, which, if it wasnâ€™t already a terrible WCW stable, would have been a kickass name for a new group in the WWE. Jesse says that weâ€™ve seen the same people get shots at the title week after week, and I love where this might be going. Remember a few months ago I said that it would be wise for the WWE to try someone like Swagger out at the December PPV or at Rumble, so maybe one of the young bucks is getting a chance starting tonight. Or maybe Randy Orton jumps him and this is all for naught.
Jesse says it wonâ€™t be Orton, Big Show, Triple H, Shawn Michaels or Chris Jericho. Tonight there is going to be a series of matches. They are qualifying matches (which, according to Tony Schiavone, is almost like a qualifying match) and the only way in is to have never been a world champion. Whoever wins goes into a Breakthrough Rumble, and the winner of that match is the #1 Contender. I like it a lot. Anything is better than the same-old, same-old.
Ventura pulled out notes from his pocket to tell us that Cena is facing Punk. Yeah, youâ€™re a few minutes late on announcing that. The Hart Dynasty is wrestling DX. Well thatâ€™s pretty good too, as long as they donâ€™t get squashed.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse Ventura has shown us what a Guest GM is capable of.
The first competitor is coming to the ring, and itâ€™s Kofi Kingston. Okay Randy, just jump him now. Please.
Instead, Kofi and Orton just stare at each other and thatâ€™s it. Cole believes its Orton showing Kofi respect. Uhâ€¦okay.
Kofi is still smiling and dancing to his fake Jamaican music as we flash back to Orton/Kofi at MSG. Kingstonâ€™s opponent is Dolph Ziggler and the announcers clarify that all brands are participating.
While they go through their early motions, I wanna point out that itâ€™s odd how Dolph seems to be getting buried for no real reason. Sure, his matches with Morrison were great, but he is still the guy who canâ€™t seem to win the IC title. Oh, and the fact that he got beaten relatively clean last night by Evan Bourne.
King and Cole belabor the point that no one can compete if they were a world champion. My fear is that they might do something stupid and give someone too new a title shot. What if they go ahead and let Sheamus or Drew McIntyre win and compete for a title despite being on the roster for under a year?
In the ring, Dolph is dropping about ten elbows into Kofiâ€™s chest. Dolph then locks in a resthold that is shrugged off by Kingston. Kofi hits some kicks and jumping punches, goes for Trouble in Paradise, Dolph ducks, Kofi turns around and hits it again and it is over. No major shock here, as Iâ€™m sure Orton will cost him his shot later.
Lawler and a tie-wearing Cole welcome us to the three hour show before tossing us toâ€¦
The Miz. Heâ€™s got a full Thanksgiving spread and leaves. Miz is thankful for the love he gets. Heâ€™s thankful for being the only RAW star to win at Bragging Rights, the captain of the winning Survivor Series team and the best US Champion ever. Wait, heâ€™s taking this back and saying heâ€™s not thankful because he expected it. He even does a Rock-esque sing-a-long with his catchphrase. Miz seems to have â€œitâ€.
Weâ€™re back and hereâ€™s Sheamus. Lawler says that heâ€™s going to let Sheamus get away with kicking him and let someone else handle it. You know, a young up-and-comer.
That someone else? That up-and-comer? Finlay. Cole reminds us that Sheamus eliminated Finlay with a cheap shot before Lawler corrects him and says that Finlay was legal.
Finlay launches Sheamus into the announce table, but as they come back into the ring, Sheamus is in control. Well, this is definitely a cross-brand dream match because Finlay has shown that he can make the youngsters look great, and thatâ€™s what heâ€™s doing here. Sheamus has been dominant all match, which really says something about the confidence the WWE has in him.
Sheamus hits the Razors Edge and itâ€™s over. Then, after pinning Finlay, he decides to beat the crap out of him before bicycle kicking him over the guard rail. Well dang, that Irish guy sure did kill that other Irish guy.
Cole points out that Wilt the Stilt scored 100 points in this town. Speaking of successful black people, hereâ€™s Teddy Long. He starts saying heâ€™s thankful before being interrupted by Vickie and her generic Hispanic wrestler gigolo (who will probably be future endeavored) who says that he should be thankful for having her. Teddy teases that heâ€™s going to dump potatoes on her but Escobar stops her and he and Vickie start canoodling, complete with Spanish cooing. That makes me legit uncomfortable, like having your tooth pulled without anesthesia.
Ventura is in the back and the WWE was nice enough to set up all of his old outfits. Orton pops up to plug Conspiracy Theory and asks to be in the battle royal. Ventura says it isnâ€™t gonna happen because thereâ€™s going to be a revolution. Jesse then says that heâ€™s proud of the fact that Orton keeps retiring old people (which he hasnâ€™t done in a few years excluding Piper last week) and Randy justâ€¦leaves.
Well folks, itâ€™s clobberinâ€™ time. Wait, strike that, itâ€™s vacant stare from behind a wicked beard time. Thatâ€™s right, itâ€™s CM Punk. Letâ€™s hope he doesnâ€™t job too quickly to John Cena.
Personally I would have loved for them to save this match, but Iâ€™ll take it over Hornswoggle.
Punk has the microphone and he says that heâ€™s thankful for being straight edge. Punk goes into his greatest hits, culminating with â€œStraight edge means Iâ€™m better than you.â€ Get that on a t-shirt, stat.
CM Punk turns this into a rant about fat people eating too much at Thanksgiving before going for antacid and then right to the dessert. Apparently we are all fat and gluttonous and not as strong as he is. He has willpower. He is above doing things that are bad for himâ€¦besides Lita, of course.
Punk calls Cena a turkey and that â€œthrough these sober eyes, I can see you.â€ Heh, cute.
Weâ€™re back and John Cena is out and heâ€™s rocking Gators colors. Go Gators. Stomp FSU like we did the real Indians (see, I made it Thanksgiving relevant).
Cena is getting a decent reaction before Punk pegs him with his shirt. That was pretty great. Cena, calm and composed, picks up the shirt, folds it and then takes an unofficial poll over which shirt the fans like best. Well that was certainly something. Not something good, just something.
Punk and Cena go for a feeling out before Punk goes into the ropes. Itâ€™s strange seeing a fresh match-up like this, but a welcome surprise.
Punk and Cena collide in the center of the ring to continue the stalemate. They lock up and Punk unleashes some kicks. Cole reminds us that Punk has won the title three times and that his entire body is a weapon. Long story short, fear the stubble.
Cena hits a bulldog for one and now John takes over. The nice thing about this three hour show is that we get to see all kinds of unique matches, so hopefully this one doesnâ€™t end with a definitive winner.
Weâ€™re back and Punk is choking out Cena. John uses his Wellness Approved strength to power out of the move. Punk is now in control again as Lawler reminds us that Punk holds a submission victory over The Undertaker.
Punk is now slugging away on Cena and quite frankly I am shocked that Cena has this much energy after his great match from last night. John now gets the upper hand and we move into the Five Moves of Mediocrity before Punk hops out of the FU in midair! He goes for the GTS but Cena grabs the knee and locks in the STFU. Punk crawls towards the ropes and finally gets the break. Whew, that was an exciting little sequence.
Cena stalks Punk but eats a kick to the head for two. Punk tosses Cena into the corner before hitting the high knee. He goes for the bulldog but it gets blocked. Cena goes off the top rope and hits the leg drop for two. Wow, Iâ€™m shocked that they didnâ€™t just job Punk to a transition move. Cena picks up Punk for the FU but eats Danielson-esque elbows to the head before being kicked in the skull for two.
Punk goes for the high knee but no one is home. Cena has Punk on his shoulders and he busts out the second rope FU for the pin. Well, Punk did the job, but at least it was to Cenaâ€™s world beating FU as opposed to a standard FU.
We relive earlier tonight (if you wanna know, just scroll back up) before seeing McMahon and Ventura backstage. Well, this could get entertaining. Ventura points out that McMahon used to be just an announcer. Jesse points out that there are plenty of conspiracies in the WWE with Vince in charge before saying that he controlled more money than Vince has. Jesse calls this a throwback night and Ventura says that heâ€™s going to run things like when Vince Sr. ran things. Jesse points out that Vince Sr. didnâ€™t trust Vinny, so tonight Ventura and McMahon are going to take over the announce position. Seriously, this is the best Guest GM ever. Wait, things get even better as Jesse pulls out the red bowtie!
Swagger, Masters and Chavo are in the ring, and apparently this is how far Jack has fallen. Their opponents are MVP, Hey-Hey Henry and R-Truth. Oh come on, you canâ€™t really put these three in the ring with Masters and not expect the entire world to explode. Who needs 2012 when you have this?
Swagger and MVP start out doing mat wrestling, which more accurately is Swagger mat wrestling himself as Porter just sort of lays there like an exhausted wife. Masters is in the ring now stomping away on MVP before Chavo gets a chance to get offense before Chris comes in. Porter gets a tag and now we get to watch R-Truth wrestle Chris Masters live on television. Yup.
Lawler calls R-Truth indie, which I guess is due to the fact that heâ€™s sloppy, boring and wonâ€™t be working in the WWE much longer. Wait, as I type that, R-Truth hits his spinny move to pin Masters. Oh come ON! No Swagger? Who did he and Ziggler piss off? Seriously?
DX are in the back and Shawn looks tentative and HHH scowls. They then turn this into a â€œyou woulda done it to meâ€-fest before Shawn points out that he has a dodgy eye. We then get a midget attorney who serves DX with a lawsuit. Kill me, next week DX is going to little peopleâ€™s court. We get some more midget jokes as we take a short break. Yeah.
Evan Bourne is out next and thankfully doesnâ€™t get pinned on his way to the ring. His opponent is, oh fuck me, Primo. Wait! Itâ€™s Randy Orton! Heâ€™s jumped Primo! He has become my favorite wrestler ever! He spared me having to watch Primo! Huzzah for Orton!
Ventura gets on the Tron and says that heâ€™ll break a rule and promises that if Orton can beat Bourne, he is in the battle royal.
Randy basically starts to kill Bourne before Evan gets some token offense. Knee drop from the top rope for two and now Randy is back in control. Orton catches Bourne with a great scoop slam before he hits the RKO for the win. Well, I donâ€™t like his Bourne killing policy, but I DO like his Primo killing policy.
We get a montage of Vince and Jesse doing commentary. Ah, good stuff. I miss those old powder blue tuxes.
Hey, Melina Kelly Kelly and Mickie James are dressed like injuns. I smell time filler.
Weâ€™re back and hereâ€™s the trailer for The Marine 2. Well that wasâ€¦uhâ€¦a movie.
Cody and Teddy are in the back talking about who knows what. Maybe Glazer was right and Teddy is going to win the rumble tonight.
Itâ€™s a Mayflower Maylay and here comes the Pilgrims; Layla, Jillian Hall and Michelle McCool. McCool cuts a promo about how unoriginal this was. Justin Roberts calls out the guest timekeeperâ€¦The Gobbledy Gooker. Stop the pain.
The Gooker gets a recap package and here come the Indians, compete with Tatankaâ€™s old music. To spare my sanity, I will not call this nonsense. Basically the Pilgrim heels get sick and tired of this match and leave. Jillian Hall gets pinned and thatâ€™s it. Smallpox doesnâ€™t seem so bad now.
Lawler is in the ring with Gooker and Melina. I canâ€™t really tell which oneâ€™s which. So is that Maryse in the costume? Wait, yes it is. Even in the turkey costume, sheâ€™s pretty hot. Since Lawler is in the ring, allow me to do the honors and say that thereâ€™s a turkey Iâ€™d like to stuff. Maryse takes off the costume (but not before falling) and she does her shtick before going toâ€¦
I see green glowsticks, which means itâ€™s time for hip forty-somethings and Canadians!
No shtick from Shawn and Hunter tonight, as The Hart Dynasty get a legit full entrance. That was a pleasant surprise (one of many tonight). Even better? Weâ€™ve gone through two hours of RAW without Santino or Hornswoggle. This show might get the nod for best RAW of the year, even with Masters/R-Truth.
Tyson Kidd and Shawn Michaels start and you can hear the IWC explode. They go at it for a few seconds before DH Smith hits a sick belly-to-back suplex. Smith tags Hart back in and Iâ€™m floored that Creative came up with some great matches tonight.
Youâ€™ve gotta give it to DX and Cena, despite their physical match last night, they are going at it tonight at full speed. Oh, and while Iâ€™m on the subject, I actually liked the Survivor Series main event a little more than the TNA 3-way last week. Yes, Joe, Daniels and Styles put on an incredibly entertaining match, but the WWE match had added intrigue and a story that seemed to be lacking from the highly exciting but depth-lacking TNA bout.
In the ring, Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music and Triple H hits the Pedigree and weâ€¦areâ€¦outtaâ€¦here.
But wait, here comes Chris Jericho, and just like I said in the Roundtable, let Jericho tease them about the tension. Apparently at TLC, itâ€™s officially DX versus JeriShow. Jericho says that Big Show is on a vacation day. Triple H says that he knows the truth, and the truth is that Big Show is eating chocolate. If this was TV-14, I would have expected a Hershey Highway joke.
Shawn says that this is serious because apparently at TLC, there will be Tables matches, Ladders matches, Chair matches (which I doubt is a match between chairs), but apparently DX and JeriShow is a TLC match. Uh Shawn, please donâ€™t die. Please.
Jericho interrupts Shawnâ€™s catchphrase before reminding us that he is the best in the world at what he do, and JeriShow is the most dominant tag team ever. Jericho reminds us that DX has never held the tag straps. Well, NAO were. Iâ€™m also pretty sure X-Pac and Kane held the straps while X-Pac was in DX. Oh, apparently for as long as Jericho has the titles, DX never will.
Batista is in the back dressed like Wolverine with a bad haircut and he is coming to the ring.
Itâ€™s Mysterioâ€™s music and here comesâ€¦Batista. Classic. They would have done the old midget joke, but no one would have noticed. By the way, considering how great he is at being a dick heel, how did they not turn him sooner (something I called for every month since I started my column, mind you)?
Dave points out that Rey Mysterio will be spending Thanksgiving in a hospital bed. I will point out, however, that Mexico doesnâ€™t celebrate Thanksgiving. Dave goes into his rant about why he did to Rey what he did before recapping how he killed Mysterio last night. Seriously, that was a brilliant way to end that match. Batista says that someone from RAW better win the battle royal tonight, because Taker is Batistaâ€™s. Wait, thatâ€™s gotta beâ€¦thatâ€™s gotta be Kane!
Apparently someone woke up Kane and now he will get the honor of being beaten down by Batista. Hell, Kane literally begs Dave to make an example out of him. Batista drops his microphone and does his slow walk to the back as we fade toâ€¦
Cryme Time apparently still works for the WWE and they are in the ring. Theyâ€™re facing Legacy, so three guesses whoâ€™s winning this one.
` Cody and JTG mix it up before Teddy gets tagged in. He pounds on JTG before Shad gets tagged in and wails on the star of â€œThe Marine 2: The War at Home Video.â€ Shenanigans occur and Teddy hits Dream Street for the win. Super.
Gail Kim starts saying sheâ€™s thankful but gets interrupted by Alicia Fox. Gail has a pie. Alicia has a pie. Santino arrives and my prediction about a food fight may come true. Marella says that the women should be cooking before doing a PSA. He delivers one of the most entertaining little bits for a few seconds, reminding us why he used to be loved by the IWC. He then goes back to being lame before eating pies. The Bella Twins show up before they hit him with more pies. Eve Torres arrives before hitting him with another pie. Vickie tries to hit Santino with a cake but gets nailed in the face by accident. I feel like that segment should have ended with someone saying â€œSock it to me.â€
Here come the guest commentary team for the Breakthrough Battle Royal. Jesse has switched coats and he appears to be wearing Finlayâ€™s old leather jacket with the silver studs. Jesse has a live microphone and he introduces his broadcast partner Vinny McMahon.
Vince comes out and he looks more like Bob Backlund in the tux.
Kofi comes out first and itâ€™ll be interesting to see if either of the commentators know who the competitors are.
Weâ€™re back and everyone is in the ring. More importantly, Vince shows that he hasnâ€™t lost a step behind the mic. We hear voices and Randy Orton gets his own entrance. I canâ€™t lie, it is strange to hear Vince doing his straight man commentator shtick.
Legacy go after Kofi but the rest of his Survivor Series team break it up. Randy Orton rolls to the outside of the ring and Jesse Ventura breaks rule number one by calling him a wrestler.
Sheamus stands in the corner as Legacy and Team Kofi battle it out. Sheamus strikes out of nowhere and tosses R-Truth. Gotta love that no one has touched him in this match.
Sheamus attacks MVP and he gets eliminated. Hey-Hey Henry grabs Sheamus and looks to dump him but Legacy stops Henry for some reason. Gotta love stupid logic. Henry double clotheslines Legacy and Sheamus dumps him and I guess thereâ€™s your winner.
Kofi and Orton wail away on each other and Iâ€™m shocked at how intelligent they are willing to make Sheamus look. I guess Sheamus is going to be like Obama winning the Nobel Prize; too early for most but possibly worth it.
Kofi skins the cat and eliminates Orton. Randy looks shocked but Sheamus takes Kofiâ€™s head off with a clothesline and now heâ€™s officially the #1 Contender. Someone in the back better put Jack Swagger on suicide watch.
Apparently coming up next is the contract signing.
Jesse is in the ring and theyâ€™ve set up the contract signing. Cena comes out and Sheamus demands that Cena stand up and face him. John plays the role of a grizzled veteran and talks about how Sheamus picks on weak people. Cena then gets fired up and turns into serious mode. He promises to go to war and this thing is on.
Ventura makes it official and suddenly an ECW midcarder seems like a legit contender. Jesse thinks thereâ€™s a conspiracy in the Worldâ€¦Wrestlingâ€¦Entertainment to keep the title on Cena. Ventura bitches about not getting a title shot. Cena gets distracted and Sheamus bicycle kicks him. He then tosses Cena into the ring post before finally slamming him through the table. Oh, because the match is a table match.
TLC has Cena/Swagger, JeriShow/DX TLC, Kofi/Orton and Taker/Batista. Thatâ€™s a pretty strong crowd for a filler PPV.
This has been for your consideration.
Tags: Andrew Wheeler, batista, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Cryme Time, divas, DX, evan bourne, For Your Consideration, hart dynasty, jack swagger, Jesse Ventura, john cena, John Morrison, kane, Kofi Kingston, Legacy, Michael Cole, randy orton, Raw, rey mysterio, shawn michaels, sheamus, Smackdown, survivor series, ted dibiase, The Miz, TLC, triple h, Tyson Kidd, WWE